The Mundane Areas of Time Travel
AN: Hey how is everybody doing? So let me cut right to the chase, this is my first fanfiction (constructive criticism is, of course, always welcome, flaming is not however). So, this story is kind of a plot bunny I have going on in my head, I may scrap it, this may continue, I'm not entirely sure yet, but without further ado let's get on with the story shall we?
I forgot how much I hate this place.
Wait, my bad. I didn't forget, I was merely disillusioned with the thought that I could somehow change my rather odd life for the better, for self-benefit, and, ya know, maybe help save the world or whatever.
Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Ronald Dean Stoppable. I was born April 5th, 1987 and up until a few days ago, I was a 47 year old retired assassin, soaking up sun in Manila while being served fruity cocktails by attractive woman who I didn't even bother to flirt with, that whole 'playa' thing is long behind me. Even goofball sidekicks learn to grow up every once in a while.
So I'm sure your asking questions like 'where are you?' or 'who the fuck pissed in your cornflakes?' well the answer to your first question is that, thanks to some crackpot Hogwarts reject, I got stuck 30 years in the past with no end to my torment in sight. The answer to your second question is that, after 20 years of being a tool of the United States government, I think I earned a bit leeway in my bitching and moaning, that satisfy you? No? Well fuck you, too.
Also it should be noted I only ate Steel Toe Crunch for breakfast in high school, so…
Now I know what you're all saying 'that's your problem? How? You get a redo, dude!' And under normal circumstances you'd be right, I'm sure most of you have fond memories of your childhood that you'd just love to experience again, for me, redoing my bar mitzvah does seem like a nice little perk to this situation, however that's one of the few perks compared to the many, many drawbacks of this crapshoot.
"Ugh, what are you doing here Stoppable?"
Speaking of drawbacks…
I turn around to face the heavily bronzed and admittedly attractive face of one Bonnie Rockwaller. Now 30 years ago Rockwaller seemed intimidating, however after all the shit I've put up with in all these years, a spoiled brat is nothing, hell it's honestly insulting. She was somehow affronted by my being here, like Middleton's mall wasn't a public area for all shoppers to enjoy in their overconsumption of various products made by some poor Asian kid in a sweatshop half across the globe.
Shit, was that racist?
"Hmm, gee well I'm in a mall, could it be that I'm shopping? No that's preposterous" I say while waving my hand dismissively. She blows air out her nose and glares at me, like I'll somehow just spontaneously combust if she just concentrates hard enough.
"Funny, "she says, though her tone conveys that she would find it funnier if I fell down a flight of stairs "I just didn't expect you to be anywhere without your precious Kimmie." she mocked, smirking as if she had said something new or clever, instead of a somewhat rehashed joke that sounds like it belongs on some cheesy kid's show. Scratch that, the kid show would think of something better, maybe one of those fanfictions I heard about?
"I could say the same about you and Brick, shouldn't you two be swapping saliva by now? Or have you traded him for Tara? If that's the case don't let me stop you" I said while getting off the bench and walking toward the exit really wanting to leave.
"Hey where are you going? I'm not finished yet" she huffs stomping her foot in a rather childish display of 'dominance', instead coming across as threatening it's actually kind of cute like in a '4 year old pouting' kind of cute.
Jesus did that time travel stuff fuck with my brain too? Ah man I needed those brain cells!
I turn towards her, my irritation plain as day on my face. Now I wasn't really imposing in high school, however that doesn't change the fact I could knock this bitch's teeth in no problem.
You can tell that I've mellowed over the years, can't you?
But seriously Rockwaller's always been annoying and I've gotten quite the temper in my twilight years so I'm not in the mood to put up with her crap, hell I wasn't even back then, difference is that I now have a backbone
"I'm going home Bon-Bon. If all you're going to do is stand there and insult me, then this conversation is already over" I say with a swift tone of finality, and just like that I walking out the door leaving a gaping Bonnie Rockwaller behind me.
You know, this might not be as bad as I though it would be.
So where was I? Oh yeah. So About the assassin thing I should probably expand on that huh? Well it's like this: During College I took an aptitude test, two months later I had a pair of G-men outside my door, ya know those Agent K 'How do you know my name, slick' types? Yeah, you know.
I was assigned with about 2 years of training and afterwards given my first assignment, this guy was a real sack of shit, Child slave trader. I shot him, killed him, and spent two weeks in a New York hotel vomiting and crying my eyes out about what a terrible person I am.
But the pay was high and for a college dropout with student loans I needed the money, besides my parents kept thrusting Hanna on me and I needed to take care of her, if that meant taking out a few dirtbags then so be it.
So I sucked it up, like my CO once said, "you either get used to it or you'll be gargling buckshot, either way you're covered"
Great guy. He even has a wife and two kids in Bethesda.
Speaking of family, you mind keeping this between you and me? No one ever knew what I actually did, as far as they knew I was head chef at a swanky restaurant somewhere close to the Lincoln Memorial. At least I think that's what they used as my cover, I was never really a reader growing up, too much going on, too much to do. Besides we had movies, who needs books?
So I did this whole 'Kill Bill' thing for almost 24 years from 2008 to 2032, After that I quit and traveled across the globe, doing all the things I wanted to do, seeing all the things I wanted to see, banging all the chicks that looked amazing in heels…
Ya know, the usual.
Yeah the 'playa' thing wasn't as far back as I made it seem
I know many of you are now probably wondering about Kim and rightly so. Everything was going pretty smooth for a while, she was at Harvard, I was snapping necks in the Middle East, then on our 5th anniversary she breaks up with me, wanting to 'explore her options'
She was cheating on me, you understand?
I'm not mad, at least not anymore. Oh I was pissed when I found out for sure, but I got over it, moved on. Really I'm fine now, she's kind of just an old flame at this point.
Unfortunately, said flame is now with me everyday and I have to deal with that.
I make it fun though, started flirting with her and pretty much everybody except Rockwaller (seriously, fuck that bitch) and it's kind of fun to see their reactions when they realize that I'm actually turning them on.
Hey those seduction classes come in handy.
However, the novelty is starting to wear off, pretty soon I'm going have to start doing it with Shego if I want to make it any fun and that's practically a death wish, god forbid I have a villainess and redhead trying to castrate me. You can only cheat death so many times before he becomes the wiser.
I'm standing in front of my moped now wondering how I ever thought this thing was cool, hell I'm 47 I don't care about cool but for god sakes couldn't this thing get a decent gas mileage?
I sigh in somber acceptance as I realize what exactly it is that I have to deal with here. I don't have my Naco royalties yet or a job so most of my money comes from my parents, which isn't much.
There's a Jewish joke there but come on, that's just too easy.
I start it up and it sputters and does its best impression of a coughing chain smoker before I'm allowed to actually drive the damn thing.
Pretty soon I'm off like a shot. Ok, shot isn't the best word to use when you're only going 35 miles per hour but hey, at least it didn't explode…yet.
About 15 minutes later I'm back home and surprise, surprise my parents aren't home. It occurs to me that this is possibly one of the reasons why I worked pretty well as an assassin I mean my mom barely tolerated me and my dad didn't really care for me until senior year.
At this point I'm wondering if Rockwaller was on to something when she called me an accident that one time in freshman year, only reason she stopped is because Kim judo threw her into a basketball goal, I shit you not.
Ah, the power of friendship...especially when said friendship is to Kim Possible, Hero Extraordinaire.
So I'm looking around my childhood home with a peculiar mix of nostalgia and bitterness, it isn't really that pleasant but according to U.S. law I can't own property for like, 3 more years and so I have to live (sort of) with my parents.
It honestly isn't that bad, if I was an emotionally growing teenager still then maybe it might suck but I'm now a self-sufficient killing machine, I have everything I need, food, water, shelter, a hidden stache of guns I stole last night and best of all no adults breathing down my ne-.
Ding-Dong
Fuck you Murphy, just...fuck you.
I slowly walk to the door, knife in the hand currently hid behind my back as I look through the peephole. I breathe a sigh of relief as I see Kim there looking a tad impatient. So I open there door.
"Ron, where have you been? Friday pizza night, remember?" she says putting her arms up in frustration "Also you haven't forgotten about the cheer competition tomorrow have you?"
"First off, sorry I was at the mall getting the newest Zombie Mayhem," I lied smoothly; I was actually looking for some...company. Kind of glad Rockwaller interrupted me now. "Secondly, No I didn't forget in fact I'm already packed so could we now get to the pizza? I'm starving!"
I aim to move past her but she puts her arm out in front of me and glares at me. She then crosses her arms and...honestly, it's kind of creeping me out.
"My intuitive sense of the female creature tells me you're angry with me."
"Yeah, you just lied to me, now what were you really doing at the mall?"
"Well you see I was buying lotion for when I get some alone time…"
My admittedly off color joke was cut off my Kim screaming and putting her hands to hears
"Oh my god, oh my god, RON, SICK AND WRONG!" she yells trying to get that mental image out of her mind, which I'm kind of insulted by, I work hard for this body and she acts like I'm Cousin Larry or something.
"Jesus, Kim calm down I was joking, okay? I was there just scoping out some babes, that's all"
"Ron, just…please never say that again, okay?" she says moving to sit down on my couch
"Hey, Kim that couch isn't sticky is it?"
"No, it's fine why…NO," she says as her face recoils in horror "You didn't…you wouldn't dare!" she says jumping off the couch, pointing an accusing finger at me.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Ron, I've eaten dinner on this couch!"
"You also once licked on a dare in freshman year"
After that (entirely bullshit) fact was proclaimed Kim calmly lowed her posture to a crouch position and said rather calmly "Ron, I am going to kill you"
I chuckled but that stopped as soon as I realized that there was a very likely chance that she wasn't kidding. So I did arguably, the smartest thing I've done all night.
I turned towards the door and ran as fast as I possibly could.
You know I'm honestly proud of myself here because I actually managed to make it to the door before she tackled me.
"No, please Kim I was kidding, I WAS KIDDING!"
"Who's ready to play Uncle?"
I want it on record that during that entire affair I only cried for 5 minutes.
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