I don't own any characters except Esme

A/N: Hello, wonderful readers! This is my fifth of five installments centering around boisterous character Esme Slain (who's actually Esme Black now). If my summary caught your eye, fantastic! However, you may want to go back and start from my first story But You're My Best Friend. You should know that all of my fics are rated T mostly for swears, and that I really love to get feedback.

If you aren't new to the storyline: Enjoy!

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"AAAAAAGH!" Esme screamed stomping into the house. Anger bubbled through her like vomit and she wanted to hit the first person she saw.

"Oh look, your wife's home," Remus smirked.

"He TOUCHED me! He dared to lay a hand on me!" she carried on, not hearing Remus' snide comment.

"Um, Esme darling, we have guests…."

"Not now, Sirius! I have to go shower in scalding hot water as a means to rid myself of his, his desanitizing touch! I have been sullied! SULLIED!"

"All right, all right, time to calm down dear," he wrapped a comforting arm around her. "Now, why don't you just tell me, Remus and Tonks what happened." Esme paused, her eyes lighting up.

"Oooh, no way; my friends are here!"

"Hey, you can't just randomly stomp into a house, screaming at the top of your lungs, and not give us any answers!" Tonks laughed.

"Fine. I was out spying around the Malfoy Manor, Snape caught me and made me leave."

"That wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be."

"He felt me up, too." Sirius spit out his coffee as Remus and Tonks nearly died laughing.

"Oh, wow Esme!" Tonks laughed, wiping tears from her eyes. "I can totally see why you'd want to burn off his touch! Especially if his touch was on second base!"

"Shut up, Nymphadora," Sirius growled. Remus' laughter died and his expression faded into something more serious.

"Who stationed you at the Malfoy Manor?" he asked, his brow furrowing curiously.

"Moody," Esme said with a shrug. Moody had seemingly taken over the Order of the Phoenix after Dumbledore had died.

"He shouldn't have sent you," Remus said savagely. "He knew you didn't have a wand."

"He sent you without a wand?" Sirius exclaimed, color rising in his cheeks. "I'll kill him," he growled.

"Sirius!" Esme chastised, then turned to her friends. "Well, you two are obviously here for a reason, spit it out!"

Remus's face fell just as Tonks' lit up. She giggled and shoved a large, diamond-studded ring in her face. "We're getting married!"

"Married…?" Esme said faintly. Married? They'd just begun dating.

"Next week!"

"WHAT?!"

"Remus, other room, now," Sirius growled. The two men left; Sirius looking awfully pissed, and Remus just looking awful.

"You're getting married?" Esme asked again. She couldn't believe it. If ever there was a time not to get married, this was it.

"Uh-huh!"

"Eeeek! You're getting married!" Esme squealed. Still, a wedding was a wedding.

"I know! Oh my God, you so have to be the maid of honor!"

"Oh my God, I know!" Suddenly, Esme's eyes sharpened as she saw Tonks' hand drift to her stomach. "Oh, God…" Realization hit her like a brick wall. Of course, that was why they were getting married so quickly.

"What?" Tonks asked innocently.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"Ah, well, it depends on what you mean by…" but Esme was had already proceeded to bang her head on the table while muttering obscenities.

In the other room, things were taking a similar path.

"You knocked her up, didn't you?" Sirius massaged his temples and looked away from his friend.

"Is it so hard to believe that I can get a girl without impregnating her?"

"Yes."

"You're a cruel, cruel friend."

"You know the irony here? I'm the only marauder not to either betray my friends or knock up someone I barely know, and I spent twelve fucking years in prison!" he yelled.

"Sirius baby, do you need a hug?" Esme called from the kitchen.

"You can hear us in there?"

"Only when you're screaming like a lunatic, darling."

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"So what do you like better for your dress: pink or yellow?"

"Tonks, dear, we're going down to the Ministry this afternoon so you and Remus can sign some papers. We don't need gowns, and I'm not even going to mention the fact that you shouldn't be wearing white." She eyed the puffy white dress draped over Tonks's left arm.

"Oh, are we playing 'irritate the hormonal pregnant lady who can still kick your arse' game again?"

"You don't have the balls."

"Bring it on, midget!" The two girls looked ready to tackle each other when they finally noticed that they were getting the darkest glares from the large group of elderly women surrounding them, including Molly.

"Perhaps we should try a different store…"

"Perhaps we should try a different country."

Many, hours and many, many stores later…

"We were supposed to meet Remus and Sirius twenty minutes ago," Esme said through grit teeth, fingering the taffeta of her gown.

"Where'd they go anyway?"

"Well, Remus said he needed to go to confession, and Sirius, well you know my husband. When people are in their hour of need he's always there to go along and mock them for their hardships." They gripped hands and apparated. Molly had left them to their own devices long ago, saying that she'd rather not have to be a witness at their inevitable trial.

"Ah, the Ministry! From its corruption to it's…actually, it's just simply corrupted."

"Tonks," Esme said suddenly, stopping her, "are you sure you want to do this?"

"It's not like I have any choice."

"Of course you do! You and Remus can raise a child without getting married! You can give it a loving and supportive home, even if you're not together. In fact, if you are together and don't love each other you'll probably screw the kid up worse than my parents did me!"

"You're parents are dead. And honestly, I do love Remus. I love him so much that I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with him."

"Meh, my parents tried to stop me from getting married. I'm not stopping you."

"You're not my mother…I hope."

"C'mon, let's go get you hitched." Confidently, they strode into the small office where an elderly woman and Sirius and Remus sat. The boys both wore simple suits, and looked rather amused at Tonks' poofy white dress and Esme's form-fitting, pale yellow bridesmaid gown.

"All right, let's get this over with," the elderly witch said, sounding bored. "Just sign the papers."

"Don't you need to go through with the ceremony first?"

"Fine. I assume you pledge to love and care for each other and all of that. Let's skip to the 'Does anyone here have any reasons why these two should not be wed?'" She stared pointedly at Esme and Sirius. "Well?"

"There are dozens of reasons why these two shouldn't get married," Sirius shrugged. "You can't tell us to choose just one."

"And we know they love each other," Esme added. "If they want to do this and it turns out to be a mistake, then they have to learn on their own. They're like teenagers; you tell them one thing and they go against it so hard they get hurt. You tell them nothing and they carve their own paths and don't make the same mistake twice."

"I really wish you would stop referring to this as a 'mistake.'" Tonks muttered.

"Sorry love, but we're just being honest."

"Well, if that's all you have to say, you two are officially man and wife." She tapped her wand on their hands, causing a tiny explosion of snow flakes.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?"

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A/N: Good? Bad? Weird? And no need to worry about Snape; he comes back with flying, um, colors. Please review!