Johanna POV

Until now, there was no one left that I loved. I was only an antisocial misfit with fully loaded rage, but for God sake's I didn't end up dead or completely out of my mind after the games and maybe Katniss is the one to repay for that. Something happened. I don't know what it was. Something made her kiss me and maybe it was just like how she kissed Peeta because he was wounded and helpless. I'd never looked like that and I guess she didn't know what to do. I was too sedated and drained of so much life to claw at her throat when she first kissed me back in hospital. I'd known she'd done it with Gale too. She'd kissed him and thrilled him because she sucked at words and couldn't heal them any other way.

But Snow can hurt me now. I'm vulnerable to him. If only he knew. It's a secret. Us. For Katniss it's Peeta in public and me in secret. There's somebody I love and it scares me more than the goddamn nightmares and PTSD. Big intimidating Johanna scared because of love! Isn't that crazy? And now here's Katniss, looking up at me wearily as she captures me in a cruel kiss, like I'm not real and I don't blame her because I'm not as sharp as I used to be. I'm kissing her back like she's the only thing that's keeping me alive and then that fire dies as her lips brush away. My force field isn't there anymore. Not around her anyway.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this." She says breathlessly, and her eyes look dead.

We're out in the woods, away from everything. She's looking away from me, like she doesn't know me. Like I'm nothing. I know more of Katniss than I thought I did. She's not just brainless or the girl on fire. Everything was already public and I guess her virtue of lies before made me hate her because she was just like everybody else, except it was more pathetic keeping up with the Peeta lovebird act and everything. I know better now. She's not only stubborn but stabbed her way into my heart and healed me with her lips. Shit, what am I becoming, needing love to keep me alive? It's pathetic, but I can't stop it, even if I know it'll only end up in ashes. It's inevitable.

I frown. "Why not? Katniss, you know Snow doesn't know about us. We're not in the games. We can keep secrets. We can be real right now."

She can't hurt me. She's not supposed to be like that. I'm maybe the only real person she knows, according most are fake and only know her as what she perceives to the public. She's whirling and confusing and fragile but she can't leave me. She pushed Gale away and almost Peeta, but she's not gonna do that with me even if I have to tackle her to the ground to make her stay.

She shrugs helplessly. "I know that. I just can't stop thinking about Peeta when I look at you and if Snow finds out I can't let you get hurt because of me. I'm poison, Johanna."

We both are. We can't live like this, acting like what we do doesn't happen. We're not a show. Sure, the Capitol makes us out to be, but when will it stop? I can't. I can't survive without her and the secrets won't ever end.

"So stop looking at me like I'm Peeta. I'm nothing like him, alright? Nothing." I snap—or try to, anyway, because it comes out flat and barely audible.

She chews on her lip, a faraway look in her eyes. "I can't stop. This is too risky. For myself. For you."

I shouldn't like her. Maybe I'm insane. The games do something to you, you know. I don't know why I saved her in the games, but we were allies. I'm not that cruel. I don't know what we are now. I can't say we're lovers because we're not an open book. But hell, I like Katniss and maybe I'm being brainless for once. I shouldn't have let her strike my force field, but I'm weak. I should have died. Most of us knew Katniss would be saved anyway and the old me would say that's bullshit but the insane part of me doesn't mind. The games were the only part of my life when everything was taken away from me. Katniss is my life now and I don't know why she can't risk this because I'd rather die than to live like I did again, having nobody left that I loved. Katniss sewed me together again. Partly. I still need stitches sometimes.

"Then we'll tell them. Not just Peeta or whoever the hell else, but everybody, okay?" I say before I can stop. "We don't have to be a secret."

I'm selfish. We're both selfish and stubborn and I don't get it. Of everything the games has made her be fearful of, there's nothing more powerful than love and we're poison to it. Maybe she's right. This is too risky. But the insane part of me just wants to keep kissing her until I can't breathe and it takes every will of me to not listen to my impulses.

"We can't." Her voice is quiet, her eyes downcast.

I groan lowly. "Fine. You know what? Fuck it. You do this with Gale. With Peeta. You're fake, Katniss. Be with him for all I care. You don't give a shit about me or him though, do you? You just want the thrill."

The soft edges are scraped off my voice and the sharpness is coming back again. I didn't think it would last long, me being all sentimental and everything. Look at that. Johanna Mason was actually being friendly for once! And now it's gone. I'm back to being a bitch, because that's the part I'm supposed to play and the show must go on. So I hide it. I don't want Katniss to see what a lonely, scared person I am. What would be good of me then? Nothing. I'd be worthless. Vulnerable. Nobody likes the vulnerable side. Nobody has the time for it.

She throws her head back, her forehead etched with worry lines. "No. That's not it. You just don't get it, Johanna! I never should've been real around you."

I should have stayed alone. I'm a coward underneath my cruelty and I can't be weakened by love. What the hell was I thinking? I'm an idiot. She doesn't need me. Clearly. I'm just a waste of space and she's too sincere to tell me to fuck off, but I guess I was waiting for it because I can see it in her eyes. She's not good at pretending. Maybe I just know her better.

"You're kidding me, right?" I laugh coldly. "I get it. I do. But I can't. I can't hide this. I'm done. It's me or him, so I'll make this easy. Have fun with lovebird and everything. I'm not worth it anyway. Everybody leaves me."

Katniss doesn't say anything. She doesn't need to. Neither of us are talking anymore. And then I leave because that's what I do. I'm a walking time bomb. I'm always gonna explode. I fuck things up, I get distant, and I walk away.