Light in the Darkness

Darcy sighed deeply, lying on her bed and staring up at the cracked ceiling in dismay. The ceiling resembled how she felt inside, cracked and broken with no chance of repair. How had she ended up in this situation? She still couldn't make sense of why this had happened to her. Her life had been spiraling downward for quite some time now and she didn't even know who she was anymore. First, she made mistake after mistake with her internet stardom. She just wanted to feel beautiful but it got out of control; her pictures had been leaked and she gained an internet stalker who was eventually arrested. It all seemed ridiculous when she thought of it. A story from a Lifetime movie, not her LIFE.

Then there was the night. She had been drinking that night for the first time. She had sex with who she thought had been Peter. It was painful to think of. Peter. Oh, she really cared for him a lot. But it was not Peter. It was a stranger; he drugged her and had sex with her against her will. A stranger who had done the very same thing to probably dozens of other girls. Dozens of others who felt the same way as she. But how could she find them? She felt as if maybe they would be the only ones to understand the pain she felt.

She shuddered as a flash of his alcohol-soaked lips on hers went through her mind. She could remember his tongue in her mouth. It felt wrong. She remembered his erratic breath as he forcefully unbuttoned her jeans, her cries of protest he ignored. She had no idea who he was, but she wanted him to pay for his actions. Now because of him she was terrified of Peter. Peter, really? He would never hurt her. Would he? He had hurt her before, maybe not sexually...but that night he'd pressured her and she almost gave in. Now she could not bear to think of intimacy with her boyfriend. It was as if she held her rape against him, an innocent party. It wasn't fair or even logical. But it was how she felt.

Her feelings were so scrambled. She had talked to Manny about the situation and somehow that made her feel better. Darcy didn't know what she would do without Manny and didn't want to think about where she would be without her. It was weird how not long ago they had despised each other, and now, Manny was the only person Darcy trusted.

Why do you care so much about me, Darcy thought, I'm such a mess.

Now Darcy was a shell of the person she had been before. She couldn't call herself a Christian, not after what had happened, how God had let her down. She had been faithful to him and in return, he did nothing to protect her. He was dead to her. Maybe he was not even there, maybe he never had been. Maybe the world truly was alone. That thought scared her. But what other explanation was there for his absence, his abandonment of her.

She felt dirty, she had been defiled by some man, she could have contracted AIDS...she was lucky she did not. But even now, weeks after Manny's rescue in the girls shower room, Darcy still wanted to die. There was no light in her life. Everything was as dark as the room where she'd lost her virginity. Now when she lay in bed she could feel the man on top of her, crushing her. She could taste his breath and hear his cruel laughter. It was like he was always there, clawing at her skin until it was raw. She tried to fight him off but she couldn't win. She didn't fend him off then and she couldn't now. She had reoccuring dreams of that night and each time she would wake up before she could see his face.

She could not participate in the world anymore. She felt separate from everything she had once cared about. Cheerleading did not seem important after her life had been wrecked. School was only an escape from her thoughts. She paid attention in class to keep her mind occupied, yet her grades were suffering horribly. Her parents gave her lectures upon lectures but nothing punctured the bubble she had created around her mind. They didn't understand what was going on with her. Of course they couldn't. But she could not bear to look them in the eye and tell them what had happened to her. They would think it was her own fault for going to the party. She had been asking for it.

Nothing made sense anymore. The only thing that made sense was Manny. As much as she hated to admit it, the girl was her only thread to this world right now. She could not die because of Manny.

Darcy thought of her friends, realizing they did not feel like friends anymore. She was so scared to connect to anyone for fear they might hurt her. She pulled her legs against her chest, remembering how Emma treated her after she had turned in Mr. Simpson for sexual harrassment. She knew it had been horribly wrong. Mr. Simpson had been the first person she told and he had been so caring that Darcy just felt like she loved him...she wanted anything to wipe away the memory of that scum bag on top of her...but it had been a mistake. It was obvious the teacher would not want to do anything with her. He was committed to his wife and he certainly was not a sexual predator. Now Darcy was in a sea of regret. She had horribly hurt the person who had been there for her. She had been so upset when he didn't return her feelings, or rather, her projection of feelings, that she wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her. She also wanted someone to get in trouble for what had happened to her even though he had not been the culprit.

People at school treated her differently now. Most of them were unaware of the rape. Including Emma. Of course Emma was angry with her. She had a right to be. Even if Darcy had been hurt, it did not give her an excuse to hurt others. She knew that. Peter was being so supportive. He was really a great boyfriend. He barely tried to touch her anymore. But she did not feel anything towards him now. She looked at him and remembered. She did not think she could ever be happy with him again. It wasn't his fault.

Manny...I wish you had let me die.

"Darcy?" The voice of her savior called out. "Are you okay?" Manny was standing in the doorway, her dark hair loose at her shoulders. She often came to check on her with no warning, probably because she was afraid that her friend was going to kill herself. Suicide watch. It made Darcy feel pathetic.

Darcy looked up at her. She was so beautiful. I wish I looked like her. Every time Darcy looked in the mirror she saw a victim, an ugly girl who was too hurt to look normal. The pain was evident in her eyes, always. It was all she could see. How was it no one else could see that when they looked at her? Why was everyone acting like everything was fine again...she had tried to kill herself. She had even been a failure at that. But everyone assumed she was okay, even thought she wasn't.

She bit her lip, shaking her head in response to her friend's question. She couldn't lie to her best friend. Manny came towards her with a concerned look in her dark eyes, taking a seat beside of her on the bed and grabbing her hand. "Do you want to talk?" She asked. Darcy nodded. Her throat was dry and tears spilled down her cheeks as she spoke.

"I don't know what's going on with me." Darcy admitted, her stomach tied into knots. She just wanted everything to be right again. She just wanted to remember what it felt like to smile. What it felt like to not imagine cutting into your skin to feel the bone, to let the blood spill out as a confirmation she was still alive, to let that blood flow until her soul left her body. "I still feel like dying and I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I can't stop thinking about it."

"Maybe you should go to the doctor," Manny advised carefully, not wanting Darcy to get more upset than she already was. "When something bad happens to someone, they can feel depressed for a very long time. Maybe this, um, event...triggered something more. Maybe you have depression."

"Dep--" Darcy broke off. "You can't be serious."

"Think about it." Manny replied, stroking the top of her hand. "Let me look it up." Her friend looked unsure, but Manny stepped over to the computer in Darcy's room. It had recently been returned to the room following Darcy's internet "problems." She was very careful with her usage. In fact, she had not turned on the computer in weeks and dust was forming on the keyboard. Manny turned the computer on and its hum filled the silence in the room. After it booted up, she opened up a search engine and typed in Symptoms of Depression.

The page read:
"Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness: A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there's nothing you can do to improve your situation.
Loss of interest in daily activities: No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex.
Appetite or weight changes: Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5 of body weight in a month.
Loss of energy: Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer.
Self-loathing: Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes.
Irritability: Easily annoyed or frustrated. Lashing out in anger or snapping at others.

People suffering from depression often show distorted thinking. Everything looks bleak to them, and they hold extremely negative views about themselves, their situation, and the future. Trapped in their pessimism, they obsess over their problems and blow them out of proportion. Unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel, they may even start to see suicide as their only way out."

Manny read this aloud to Darcy.

"Wow." Darcy muttered. "I think you just read my biography. But what does this mean?"
"This means we're making you a doctor's appointment. You might need to go on antidepressants."
"But I don't want to. I don't need medicine to fix me."

"It's not about whether you want to or not.. It's about not killing yourself. It's about being able to get out of bed in the morning. If things are this bad, you need to get help," Manny explained slowly, making sure her eyes met Darcy's. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me. I don't need any more help. I have you." Darcy murmured, squeezing Manny's hand. She felt self-concious as her hand began sweating, and she tried not to notice how her heart was racing.

"Well that's obviously not helping enough or you wouldn't be feeling this way." Manny said after a moment.

"I guess you're right..." Darcy paused, gazing at her friend. Her eyes were rimmed with tears and Manny put her arm around her shoulder, pulling her head to her chest. Darcy swelled with emotion, pressing her head against Manny's. She could smell her hair. She closed her eyes and let in a deep breath. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Alright." Manny answered, kissing Darcy's forehead. "Let it out."

"I really appreciate everything you're doing for me. You're the only reason I'm alive right now and quite frankly, the only reason I want to be."
"That's sweet." The dark haired girl said after a moment, a smile forming on her face.

"It's not sweet, it's true. I need you. I -- I love you." Darcy's voice broke and she began sobbing uncontrollably. If she told Manny what she was feeling, she was going to lose her, too. But it was too late to turn back now. It was said. She didn't know how Manny would react and that scared her. She couldn't lose the only person she had in the world.

"Aw, I love you too, sweetie."

"You...you do?"

"Of course I do. How could I not? You're amazing, Darce. You're beautiful, kind, understanding. You're such a great friend." Manny looked down at her, wiping the tears from her sad eyes. "Now stop crying this instant." Darcy leaned forward, putting her hands around Manny's neck and pressing her lips to the other girl's. Manny's eyes widened in surprise as Darcy let her entire soul flow free in a passionate kiss.

Authors Note:
Okay guys...to be honest, I haven't written a fanfiction in a long time. The thought terrifies me. I'm not confident in my writing of these two characters, as I have never written them before. The darkness of Darcy's situation helped me a lot, because I find it difficult to write simple fluff. This isn't fluff. This is dealing with important stuff and yeah, it's a femslash. Manny and Darcy make sense. Often after a sexual assault, the victim is afraid of the sex that assaulted them. It's natural for her feelings to be for Manny. Manny saved her. She feels in her debt. And Manny...well, I'm not sure how she feels about the situation. I haven't been in her head yet.

Anyway I hope you enjoy this. I am trying to flesh it out but I'm not sure where the story is going yet. I just want your support in my newest fanfiction endeavor. Hopefully I will finish this one and move on to other Degrassi stories. Thanks to this season I really feel inspired again.