Part One: The Big Red Nose (And Bogeys) Fiasco

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew all lounged in the Gryffindor common room, bored as hell. For once there was nothing to do, and for once they were completely out of ideas for practical jokes. As for what they were doing while lounging around, James was eyeing a pilfered photo of Lily, his paramour. Remus was trying to see whether he could bite a hole in the couch. Sirius was kicking Peter (always with the physical violence!), and Peter was trying to dodge Sirius's huge foot. After three hours of this idleness, which, for their Head of House, was a godsend, Sirius got an idea. A very, very bad idea.

"Let's go raid Filch's office," he hissed to the others. Remus stopped biting the couch for a moment and raised an eyebrow. Peter, glad of the break from being pounded, jumped about half a mile in the air and shook his head fiercely (the very idea of being anywhere where Argus Filch had stepped scared the bejeezus out of him), and James dropped Lily's photo and did a double take.

"BRILLIANT!" he shouted.

"I don't know you," said Remus. He got up and moved couches. "You two are out of your minds. You know what he does to you when he discovers you rummaging through his things? He takes you down to the dungeons and flogs you until you can't sit down! And you're saying you want to try and breach Filch security?" Peter scooted away from Sirius and James, obviously agreeing with Remus.

"Don't be such an utter wanker, Moony," James said. "Please come with us? Please?"

"NO," Remus thundered.

"Fine, then, you've left us no choice," said James, making eye contact with Sirius for a minute. The two of them jumped up, grabbed Remus and began tickling him.

As students in Gryffindor began coming down from their dormitories to see what all the laughing and shouting was about, Peter hid in a corner and trembled. They were all quite amused at the sight of Remus being tickled to death by James and Sirius. His face was turning bright red, and he was shouting, "No," in between effervescent giggles.

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"Pretty please with a chocolate frog thrown in for good measure?"

"NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Cootchie cootchie coo!"

"YOU BASTARDS! GEROFFME! YOU FLAMING BASTARDS!"

"We promise we'll stop if you promise you'll go with us!"

"AARGH! GEROFFME! NO! YOU BLOODY LITTLE CHEEKY MONKEYS! I SWEAR I WILL GET MY OWN BACK! GEROFF!"

Suddenly, Lily pushed through the crowd of girls cloistered at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the dormitories and began whacking James with a closet broom.

"You get off him, you flaming twits, you're going to hurt him!"

"Just what is it you want him to do?" one of the other students asked.

"Noneya," Sirius snapped.

"Something illegal, no doubt," Lily said sarcastically. "You are too much."

"What, Lily, is this too much for you?" said James, rudely indicating an area of his body that should never be mentioned to a roomful of girls. Lily kicked him.

"It's obvious from the look on your face that it's definitely too much for you," Lily said coolly. "You'd better watch your back, Sirius."

"Eek," Sirius squeaked, turning pink.

Remus, Peter and James roared with laughter. There was something strange about physical violence that really got them going, and once they started, you couldn't stop them.

"You know," said Sirius after regaining composure. "I might sue her for rape."