As I look back to the day I made my choice, it seems another lifetime ago. And yet I can recall nearly everything as if it were yesterday – how I couldn't sleep without waking up with dark images flashing before my very eyes, how every passing moment my stomach churned, how unusually hot it was. How despite the heat I could not stop trembling. It was as if something were constantly crawling up my back sending shivers down my spine. I remember this all so clearly.
Yet I can never truly remember how I justified it all. I know I said it was for my friends, but surely there had to be more there? Surely, deep down, I knew this wasn't the answer? And yet, I guess it was always somewhat expected. Not expected in the normal sense, but more like if it had to be anyone, it would have been me. Of course it would have been me. None of the others would have cracked. None of the others would have made the mistake. They were always better at everything anyway. James with his smooth, yet swift quidditch reflexes. He could have gone on to play professional too. But the war ate up that idea pretty quickly. Sirius. He was always the brash one. He'd do anything – no matter how dangerous or risky – just for a laugh. He was brilliant without even trying. Remus was the quiet one. I guess I never really understood it, til now. The more he listened the more he learned about others. I used to feel that he could see right through me. I wonder if he saw this coming? I doubt it. He trusted me too much.
That's what made my choice so hard in the beginning. But I was doing it for them. I know it was cowardly and I know they expected better of me, but that's all I could do. I am not like them. I'm not smart or funny or anything. I'm just me, the tagalong. I guess there was, no, there is no justification. Just a fool's hope. It may not have been the right way, but it was my way. I made my choice. For better or for worse I made it. And in the end it's me who has to live with it.