The good the bad and the Seabee
By Mat Growcott
"Hello Seattle, this is doctor Frasier Crane back after the news. Who's on line 1 roz?"
"His name is Sam and he's guilty because he cheated at poker and won a lot of money"
"Hello Sam, I'm listening."
"Hey Dr Crane. I'm a first time caller but I love the show. I listen to it whenever I'm feeling blue. So anyway, I was in one of my usual dives when this big man walks up to me and says "you look like a gambling man", well I'm not gonna say I'm not his head is nearly touching the ceiling and this ain't one of these small clubs. So I go with him to a poker game, I hadn't played in a while but I could still remember the rules. So I'm losing a lot of money so I use one of the tricks my uncle taught me. And I win $10,000. That is a lot of money for me, the only problem is that this guy is popular and if anyone finds out I cheated then I'm going to have an arm for a leg and a leg for an arm."
"You do know that this is public radio don't you sam?"
"wha…o god"
"well…that's about all we have time for today. If you see a man out in the street with an arm for a leg and a leg for an arm give him a dollar. This is Dr Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health"
Frasier stood up and walked over to the booth where his producer, Roz was sitting.
"good show today Roz, plenty of people out there who had things to share with the world" Frasier laughed "Have you got a date tonight?"
"No, my moms coming over tonight and I'm going to cook for her. And then I'm going to go online and find out the Seabee nominations"
"God, is it that time of year already?" Frasier asked, shocked at how quick time went bye
"Yeah, and you'd better have been as good as you think you are this year, otherwise we'll lose a Seabee AGAIN!"
"I know its important to you Roz, its as important to me, but I have a lot coming up. My dad's favourite singer is coming into town and I told him I'd go with him, My brother and sister in law, niles and daphne are going to a "Parents for dummies" class and they want me to baby sit there little one and I have tickets for the opera."
Roz grabbed Frasier's tie
"You'd better make time, buster, cause this year that Seabee is mine!!"
Frasier nodded and left the building
This little award…
Back at Frasier's home martin was sitting in his armchair snoring. Eddy was rolling around on the couch messing that up as well. Suddenly eddy jumped off the couch and Frasier walked in. As he did the phone rang
"Hello, yes I'm Frasier Crane. Yes, from the radio. Yes my brother is Niles. No he can't come to the phone he's not here. What do u mean she'll murder him? Yes…congratulations on what? WE'VE WON A SEABEE? YES….YES……..YES……YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSS…" he coughed "oh, that little award? That's just a bonus after getting the feeling of satisfaction of helping one of my loyal fans. Thank you, keep on listening…"
"will you keep it down there? I'm trying to get some sleep" Martin had woken up
"Dad, its fantastic, we've been nominated for a Seabee!" Frasier shouted happily.
"Well done doctor, now let your dad get some sleep"
"Dad, aren't you happy for me?"
"ecstatic, that's why I said well done"
Vote schmotes, bribe schmibe
1 week till the Seabees
"Hey Frasier" Roz walked into the radio station smiling, Frasier instantly started laughing when he saw her "you've heard then?" she said
"yes, I've heard…its great news"
"I don't know why it's great news for you. I was lucky my mom got flu it meant I could go on a date."
"ROZ!! We got nominated for a Seabee!!!"
"Wow!! This past week has been one of the best in my life" Roz laughed. Bulldog walked in
"Hey doc, guess who your up against?" he said out loud. He then made a Barking noise as loud as he could. "I'm going to kick your ass!" He barked at Roz who jumped.
"Well bulldog, I'll have you know that we've been nominated 3 times. One for the special spin-off show we did about drugs in the community, one for me, best male host…"
"How'd you get it then" Another bark "Only kidding, I got that one, I made a space for it already"
"And the last one for best producer. I just hope that the judges feel that we've done as well as the other nominees."
"Well, may the best man win doc, and that means that that Seabee is the bulldogs" Bulldog left the booth laughing
"We have got to win him frasier, by any means necessary. And he's bribing the judges. I heard that this morning, in the cafeteria. Hey, I wonder why nobody told me that we'd got nominated?"
"Bulldogs bribing the judges? I hate to think like this but I feel that that would be the only way we'd win, if the judges are accepting bribes. What are you doing tonight Roz?"
Life's little Ironies
3 days till the Seabees
Frasier walked into his apartment. He was angry. He slammed the door and sat down on the couch. Martin walked in and sat down in his chair.
"what's eating you?" he asked, in an uncaring tone of voice
"Well I had very expensive opera tickets and as I was watching all I could do was hum songs from that country singer we went to see last night" Frasier said angrily "During the love scene I was humming "ride 'em up cowboy'"
"Well I'll be damned. My son is finally turning normal" At that moment Niles burst in through the door
"This is typical! They had to cancel the "parents for dummies" meeting so now I have a whole evening ahead of me on my own. I have nowhere to go and the I remembered that my brother Frasier had the nutcracker on video and came over to see if he would be so kind as to lend it me"
"one of them at least" martin muttered
That must have hurt…
1 day until the Seabees
Frasier walked into the Cafè Nervosa and sat down. The waitress walked over and asked frasier what he wanted and he ordered his usual. As he sat there a man walked in. He looked as if he had been beaten up, and he was limping. The waitress stared at him.
"Sam? What happened to you?!"
"Those guys caught up with me…apparently they heard me on the radio. Obviously the only people who listen to That asshole cranes show are thugs and punks"
"yeah, What can I get ya?"
"my usual…if I ever see that frasier crane, I'll punch him right between the eyes. And worse of all, him and his producer might both receive AWARDS for doing this to me"
"Ahhh, it wasn't crane's fault. You shouldn't have cheated…"
Frasier let the conversation carry on as he quickly made his escape
This is your Seabee
The tables were packed in the giant room that the Seabees were hosted in. Both Roz and Frasier were sitting alone at a table when some drums started to be played. Frasier had seen the host before, he was the country and western singer who Him and Martin had gone to see.
"Welcome to the Seabees ladies and gentlemen. We have with us today the best people in radio. So lets get on with the awards. Lets first start with the best spin-off episode. Here are the nominations
'Boyz and Girlz' 'Bulldog' Briscoe.
'Brother, can you spare two grams, Drugs and the community' 'Frasier Crane'
'Baseball, My game' 'Sam lamolne'
'How philosophy changed my Life' 'Diane Charmsbe'
And the winner is…Frasier Crane ladies and gentlemen!"
Frasier stood up. He walked to the stage with his mouth open. He was in shock.
"well, what can I say? I won a seabee!! This is great, I feel…"
"Frasier Crane everyone! Take a seat doc!"
After many awards they finally got to the two that mattered
"Now ladies and gentlemen we have the best producer award. We don't need to tell you the losers, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN Roz Doyle!!"
Roz went up, accepted her Seabee and then went to sit down
"Next, the best male host in a radio show. This is almost even between Frasier and Bulldog by the way everybody…and the winner is…'BULLDOG'
Frasier sighed…at least he'd won a Seabee this year
The right angle
Frasier couldn't decide where to put the Seabee. It had been everywhere in the apartment, but still he couldn't find the right place. In the end he placed It on the mantel piece…where it had started out. It didn't have the right light on it. But it could be seen. And that means that Dr Frasier Crane could show off his Seabee