L's pen hovered above the plain white paper, frozen there as if paralyzed. He couldn't bring himself to make a mark. Nothing seemed adequate enough. Let it be known that L was not a romantic. It wasn't that he believed pen and paper were insufficient to express his level of sincerity. He was simply having trouble articulating his thoughts...for once in his life. Did he even know what message he was trying to convey?
Not only was L not prone to adhering to tradition, but he was also completely unsentimental. He knew Light would most definitely not expect this from him. In fact, he would probably react with confusion, and perhaps even mistrust, if L gave him a handwritten letter. But whenever L considered abandoning the idea on the grounds of it being ridiculous, something stopped him.
It was Valentine's Day, and Light was off on a date with Misa...pretending, of course. L wasn't sure why Light felt the need to perpetuate the lie, but the relationship was beneficial to L's purposes. There was an extremely high probability the two of them were the first and second Kira after all... Having Misa visit Light so often enabled L to keep a closer watch on her. Not to mention the possibilities if L could convince Light to manipulate her into revealing information about Kira...
In any case, Light's absence had given L a bit of free time to himself, so here he was, inexplicably sitting in front of a perpetually blank sheet of paper. Of course, he could be working on the Kira case... This time alone would be the perfect opportunity for him to focus without the interruption of others. Unfortunately, something unidentified by him compelled him to finish his current endeavor.
He had to write something. Just sitting there in indecision was becoming a gross waste of time. So he began.
"I"... And stopped there. Brilliant. L refused to throw the paper away and admit a failed attempt, though. He could work with this. Messages that are meant to convey what one thinks often do begin with "I." But "I" what? What did L feel he needed to tell Light?
Light had been acting differently lately. Ever since L and the task force recovered the Death Note, and L eliminated the handcuffs that bound him and Light. Frequently now, L was catching the same look he remembered in Light's eyes from before Light was confined. Before the momentous shift in Light's behavior that day, when he truly and freely seemed to believe he was not Kira. After that, there was an innocence, a genuineness of personality that L was rather ashamed to admit made him want to imagine that Light truly wasn't guilty.
During the past few months, L thought the two of them had gotten along rather well...considering they were attached at the wrist 99.5% of the time. True, they had fought a lot...but they had also developed quite an...intimate...relationship. Yes, despite all reason, logic, and wisdom, L had entangled himself mentally, emotionally, and physically with his murder suspect. L was still kicking himself about it. To this day, he remained clueless as to how he could have let himself fall in such a way—a way in which he had never even been tempted before. Though it was true, the two of them were actually very similar, disregarding obvious superficial differences. And they had made an impressive team...
But Light seemed colder now. L couldn't pinpoint an obvious, describable change in Light's behavior; for all intents and purposes, Light acted just the same as he always had. But L could sense Light's intent had changed. There was a controlled perfection to everything Light did now that made it seem as if it were all a mask—that Light was carefully watching every word and action, making sure it fit his affected persona. It made for superb acting. But Light had never seemed to realize that acting perfect made him suspicious. It was Light's natural, irritable, forthright, stubborn, intolerant behavior that made L's resolve waver...if just slightly.
L had a bad feeling about it all. Stronger and stronger every day, he sensed an impending...something. A dramatic change. Perhaps the real Kira was back, then... Whatever the case, L would soon find out. At this very moment, he was in the middle of organizing a test to determine whether the thirteen-day rule was true or false. If it were fake...then Light was almost definitely Kira. It would only be a short time after that before L would be able to convict him. But...the feeling was more than that. Different. Even as he was winning, L felt as if he were losing. That the closer he drew to solving the case, the farther away victory seemed. Some premonition was slowly convincing L his time was running out... Was it possible everything that had happened until this point had just been a part of Kira's plan? L had asked the shinigami attached to the notebook similar questions countless times, but never once did it reply with anything useful or revealing. It seemed the shinigami was on Kira's side.
L couldn't ignore the chronic, numbing sadness that pervaded his thoughts lately, imagining—no, knowing—Light is Kira...and that he was most likely planning to kill him—perhaps at this very moment, if Misa had resumed her role as the second Kira as well. That, accompanied by the feeling that Light might just succeed. Maybe that is why he felt he needed to write. It might just be his last message ever, and he knew he couldn't leave without a final word to his partner...suspect...equal. Absently, the pen moved.
L couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like if Light truly weren't Kira. Would they have ever been able to become truly happy? The concept of true happiness seemed so farfetched to L, it was almost unimaginable. ...They had made such a good team, though...
As L brought a thumb to his mouth to chew at his thumbnail impulsively, he looked down at what he had written. It was a single sentence.
"I wish you weren't Kira."
He stopped chewing, a blank expression on his face. It was probably one of the most obtuse, unintelligent...sincere things he had ever written in his life. Slowly, his arm lowered, and he stood, taking the paper from his desk. He found himself using the elevator and navigating the hallways to arrive at Light's new, separate room. After a moment's pause, he placed the note on his lover's pillow.
He wouldn't speak of it.
Author's Notes: This is based on a roleplaying universe created by me and my best friend...though I doubt that really matters to any of you. The fic was actually initially inspired by the song "These Words" by Natasha Bedingfield. At first, I was planning to make it funny. Then it morphed into fluffy and sweet, and now it's changed into something sort of sad and serious. Go figure. I realize the timing of it all is off. Valentine's Day would not occur at the time Light got his memories back. L would be more than two months dead in canon. (Oh, spoiler. Though why would you even be reading a Death Note fic if you didn't already know or didn't care about spoilers?) I have no excuses, sorry. I do hope you like it anyway! Considering, I usually keep most of my writing between myself and my best friend, a review would be pretty great to see.