Contest entering for JayleeJ's contest! That fic is amazing. Go read it!
WARNING: THIS SHOULD BE READ AFTER EXAMINING THE CONTENT OF "THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN" BY JAYLEEJ.
News Update: Chik-fil-A Just Got Owned
BuBBly CaNis lupus
"Go moo, you god forsaken cow." Itachi glared for the added effect. "Moo or it gets it."
Said god forsaken cow directed his eyes to the threatened object. Its eyes widened. How could this weird man take its DDR set as hostage?!
Sweating bullets, the cow twitched and went into a great, dramatic spasm before finally making a sound.
"OUUUAAWWW!"
Itachi blinked once.
Twice.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! YOU CALL THAT A MOO, YOU, YOU DESPICABLE ANIMAL MADE ONLY FOR YOUR DELICIOUS MILK AND BEEF??"
Suddenly, Itachi's whole crew gathered around him with various weapons in their hands.
"Oi, Itachi, calm down. It's just a cow. A Chik-fil-A cow," Pein commented evenly, holding Itachi back with the use of the awesome headlock.
A look of confusion spread across the dude-with-really-hot-brother-that-wants-to-kill-said-dude-but-can't-because-said-dude-is-way-too-hot-for-his-mad-skills.
"How is that any different?"
"What do you mean, how is it different?" Pein pointed at Kisame. "Explain, fish boy."
"HEY! I thought we established that you wouldn't call me that!" He sighed. "Anyway, what stupid freaky eyes over there meant was that being a Chik-fil-A cow is even worse than being a normal cow."
Itachi contemplated this silently whilst the Akatsuki remained in a circle, bearing puppets, enormous weird-looking swords, scythes…
They finally thought Itachi had calmed down, but sadly, they thought too soon.
"How so?"
Looks of astonishment were passed around the group, until Hidan burst.
"What the fuck do you mean by that, you mofo? It's bad enough being a cow, but a Chik-fil-A cow? Don't get me started on those creatures. They entertain customers with their sick dance moves before getting eaten when unable to support their own weight dancing."
Kakuzu shook his head violently, almost tearing out those creepy stitches with the clichéd movement.
"No, no. You've got it all wrong, immortal freak. It's the fact that they can dance at all which degrades them from the rest of their species."
Glare. Glare.
"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BIATCH!"
"GLADLY, FUCKFACE!"
Before they knew it, a full-out brawl between the two had started as the rest became peacemakers.
Leader tried to pry them off of each other, but their limbs were intertwined, and he fell into the tangle.
You know those cartoons with the cloud of dust covering the wrestling and random arms and legs sticking out? Yes? Then screw that, this fight was clear as day.
Hidan, Kakuzu and Leader were practically just rolling around in a pile on the floor of the Chik-fil-a down the street.
And the rest of their teammates? Laughing their freaky, but cool in some twisted way, cloaks off.
Jutsus were long forgotten in this group hug.
All the while, Itachi had escaped the grasp of Pein to find the dancing cow. With him, he had the DDR captive and he was looking for revenge. Nobody, not even a cow from Chik-fil-A, could ignore a direct demand from an Uchiha prodigy without suffering the dire consequences!
As Itachi wandered from table to table, ignoring the horrified faces of random customers, he bumped into the manager.
"Sir, your friends are making a scene. Please escort them outside until further notice."
Holy crap, there's a robot talking. Or some sort of gentleman.
"Yo, manager. Say 'Does not compute', will ya?" Itachi held up a kunai as threat.
Which the manager failed to notice.
"I'm sorry? I don't think I heard you correctly."
WARNING: DO NOT PISS OFF UCHIHA PRODIGIES.
Unfortunately for the manager, he had never even heard of the Uchihas.
"Oh I think you heard me, robot. You just don't want to cooperate, am I right? You will pay so-called 'manager'."
Without another word, Itachi initiated the torture.
"Oh. My. Lord. Are you trying to burn me with that match?"
Indeed, in the hand of Uchiha Itachi, a clan renowned for their fire jutsus, was a small match burning dangerously close to his finger.
"Ouch! God-damned match. Burn my fingers will ya? You're going to regret that!"
Itachi, complete with crazed eyes and sneering lips, continued to stomp on the match until it became mere dust, burying itself into the cheap carpet.
"Um, sir? Sorry to disrupt, but I still need you to escort your friends out."
For once in his life, Itachi considered doing what someone in a lower class asked him.
Instead, he finally remembered something called chakra and hand-signs. He then proceeded to use the Fireball Jutsu on the manager, trying to melt the metal off the 'robot'.
Silence ensued.
So he wasn't a robot…
Shrugging, Itachi continued on his quest to make the DDR obsessed cow moo.
:xXx:
The epic battle between two comrades had just come to an end.
The winner, you ask?
Sasori of the Sand.
…Let's not get into details.
"Hey, you guys… where did Itachi go?"
Many responded, only one made sense.
"Dude, I'm hungry, when can we eat?"
"Holy mother of crap! What is this stain I see on my oh-so-awesome cloak?!"
"STOP WITH THE FISH BOY CRAP!"
"What the hell are we doing here? Taco Chime is way better."
"Oh, you mean our Itachi? He left awhile ago, I tried to tell you but… we got a little distracted."
Leader glanced around, alarmed.
"We, the Akasuki, must stop Itachi from slaughtering that cow."
:xXx:
He had never, not even once in his life, thought he'd see a cow dancing naughtily for a bunch construction men.
Swaying its hips to the music, nodding dirtily, it was all there. Dancing its worries away for a horde of drunken men.
This stupid cow could do all that, and yet, not be able to utter a single moo?
How dishonorable! Was it mentally retarded or something?
"Oi! Dancing cow! I got your DDR, and I'm not afraid to bash it into a million pieces while you watch with your pathetic eyes!"
Itachi got into position, ready to truly and utterly destroy the beloved game.
Its fate sealed, the cow resigned from dancing and followed the crazy man into the staff room.
:xXx:
"Now, you god-damned cow, go moo." Itachi held up the hostage threateningly.
The panicked cow nodded hysterically to moo.
In vain.
It seemed as if in exchange for sick dancing moves, the cow had lost its ability to moo.
Itachi, it seemed, didn't draw this conclusion yet.
So the horrible convulsing continued for another 15 minutes before Itachi finally got fed up with its "OUUUAAWWWs".
"I'm sorry to say this, cow, but this has been going on for far too long. The DDR must go."
To this, the cow starting crying while making terrible, ear-drum popping noises.
Itachi looked at in apathetically and sighed, stopping the cow from continuing its actions.
"Just kidding," the creature looked hopeful for a moment, "I don't feel sorry at all."
Without another word, Itachi used the deadly Amaterasu, forgetting that the black fire would engulf everything in its way.
Including the dancing cow.
"Oops, my bad."
And instead of fessing up and saying the great Uchiha Itachi had made a mistake, he declared that he did it deliberately and that "dancing cows deserve to die in my book".
…
The moral to this story? Children, no matter how hot Uchiha Itachi is, if you do not moo accordingly, be prepared to face the lethal flames of Amaterasu, ok?
:xXx:
"OH MY GOD! BETTY?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO BETTY, YOU SICK FREAK?!"
"Hey, in my defense, if you mean the cow, this 'Betty' you speak of did not do something I asked, and the customer is always right… manager? Are you the manager of this place? I thought I burnt you till a crisp…"
"WHAT?! YOU KILLED JERRY TOO! THAT IS IT MIS—"
"That word is over used, sir, I'd rather you use 'exterminated'."
"Whatever! You can take yourself and all of your friends to some place else! I'm going to call every single Chik-fil-A on earth and ban you from all of them, you got that?!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say."
Walking out, the Akatsuki, who never made it on time to stop Itachi, journeyed onto their headquarters in search of a new hang-out spot.
"HEY, YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR YOUR FOOD!"
:xXx:
That was fun to write! Sorry it took so long, Jaylee, but I kinda got sidetracked for awhile. BTW your stories are awesome, so go and review my submission, ok?
…And read JayleeJ's amazing stories while you're at it.