Disclaimer: xxxHolic belongs to CLAMP, blah blah blah. Midnight Bottle is a lovely song and property of Colbie Caillat.

Author's Note: I've always wanted to write a fic to this song and now I have. Always thought it was the perfect Yuuko one, especially when you consider her past with Clow. Always thought she turned to the drink after he went off into the sunset. Here, I attempt to look at a more human side, one that isn't dulled by alcohol and laced with duty.

Midnight Bottle

Midnight bottle
take me calmly through my memories
and everything will come back to me
Midnight bottle
make it real what feels like make believe
so I can see a little more clearly

It was perhaps around three in the morning, four, she wasn't sure. All she knew it as now were the hours between night and day. Mokona, Maru and Moro would be sleeping, the shop would be quiet and there would be nothing to distract her save for the scent of sake and the light buzz of alcohol coursing through her system. Over time, her tolerance was built and it would take more than two cups to send her spiraling into an absolute drunken stupor. Recently, it took two crates last Watanuki made note. Back then, it would take two cups. Now, the taste and light buzz were all she had when sleep wouldn't take her.

And quite often, it didn't.

It was a near systematized ritual. Night would fall, Watanuki would go home after dinner, Maru and Moro would retire to their room, she and Mokona to this particular porch where they would drink and talk. Eventually, Mokona would leave for bed and she would be left alone with her thoughts and the rest of the sake. Of course, the morning would find her sprawled in bed. There would be a massive headache where she would attempt to move herself from the divan in hopes Watanuki would spare her the lecture just this once and get yet another hangover cure before the day went on.

Quite often, she wasn't so lucky.

This night saw her out in the porch wearing her sleeping gown and gazing at the moon as she so often did during these sleepless nights and early mornings. The sake was warm and sweet, poured from a small ceramic jar decorated with small bunnies hand painted by intricate brushwork. Nearby sat a plate that once contained three sticks of stove grilled mitarashi dango and only now contained three sticks. The mitarashi was slurped away by Mokona along with two of the three dango sticks but that was hours ago. Outside, the wind was crisp, cool, barely any comfort and did nothing to chill the sake in the cup she often sipped from. She raised it to her lips, seeking comfort instead in that consistent burn that trickled down her throat from both the sake and the heat. A deep sigh followed as she set it down, her eyes and attention cast back down to the clear liquid that remained at the bottom. Nothing made ripples in that cup save for the occasional tear hidden by her hair as they fell. Somehow, they didn't surprise her. They were inevitable, like everything in her life had been.

Inevitable that she, in her long day and month of keeping her emotions in check would finally let them fall.

Inevitable that the only one to see these tears would be those delicate brushstroke rabbits dancing on porcelain.

Inevitable. Everything was inevitable.

His smile was inevitable. Seeing it in her dreams was inevitable.

The last she saw of him was inevitable. Seeing him pass as she herself was powerless to stop it was inevitable.

All these things, everything, was inevitable.

Pain, suffering, joy, hope, loss, tears, dreams, love, hate. All were inevitable.

Fuck the inevitable.

How she'd long wanted to curse it, how she wanted to turn back time and right all the wrongs, erase all the pain but she knew better than all who wished this was possible. She had seen backstage, seen the way of the world and knew its rules. These rules allowed her to bend them, to grant wishes by others but never to have a wish of her own granted. She had been careful to make the right decisions but no matter how much pain was caused, these pains were all inevitable.

Oh, but there were times where she wished to mourn the inevitable, how she'd long to ask why and what could be done to change all of it. There were times where she longed for a pair of warm arms around her and a hand moving through her hair to tell her it was alright. What normal person wouldn't? But then, no normal person was Yuuko Ichihara and Yuuko Ichihara was no normal person. She knew better and had to know better. There would be no time for tears. Those days were long gone now and all she had were memories of those warmer, better days.

Clow did what he had to and though this vortex, this purgatory he had trapped her in seemed like nothing more than further punishment to add to the burden called inevitability, it too had a purpose. Watanuki proved this as did the princess, the boy and the worlds they travelled. But somehow, someday, it would all finally end. The dream would end. Would she see him again? Would she, after all these years of sitting under the moonlight and crying tears seen only by brushstroke creatures finally catch a moment's peace?

She liked to think that it would be inevitable that his smile greet her when her time moved again. Yuuko knew that someday, her duty would come to an end and Watanuki would take over for her. It would all be alright. It would all work out. That was how hitsuzen worked, after all. Inevitability lead to things that would sort themselves out despite the fact that they often led to disaster. Someday, she would see his smile once more. Someday, he would take her into his arms again and tell her it was alright.

But for now, there would be these nights with sweet breezes, warm sake and bunnies on ceramic cups to drink away tears.

Got a midnight bottle
drifting off into the candlelight
where I can find you any old time
A midnight bottle
I forgot how good it felt to be
in a dream just like you had me
Cause lately I've been stumbling
feels like I'm recovering

But I think it's only for tonight

-OWARI-
Liked it? Loved it? Do I need help writing again?
Admittedly, this is my first fic in a long time.
You know where the comment box is.
Yes, I'll get back to work on that Bayo/Luka, I promise.