The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off somewhere doing something. Warning right now: There are some very politically incorrect statements in this fic that don't reflect my views but are very in tune with Cobra Commander and the Dreadnoks. You know the drill, Cobra just can't do anything right lately. Not even have…
Another Night of Stimulating Conversation
"God I hate my life," Destro moaned as he slunk into the Rec Room. "Sometimes I wish I listened to my Uncle Hamish and became a sheep farmer slash illegal brewer of alcohol. I wouldn't have half the legal problems I do now plus I would always have a steady supply of alcohol!"
"Bad day?" Cobra Commander asked. He was sitting in a chair holding an alcoholic beverage with a straw in it.
"Do we ever have any good days?" Destro looked around. Zartan, Tomax, Xamot, Dr. Mindbender and most of the Dreadnoks were in the room as well. "Is this another meeting of the mindless society that no one bothered to tell me about?"
"If you mean a staff meeting I suppose you could call it that," Cobra Commander sighed. Using a tiny opening in his helmet he was able to take a drink using the straw.
"Where's the Baroness, Destro?" Zartan smirked as he took a sip of beer. "Did she chew you out again?"
"Very funny," Destro glared at him. "Currently she's chewing the rug in Room 15 G."
"Is that the room with the explosives in it?" Mindbender asked.
"No, it's the room where we put all those Cobra soldiers you hypnotized into thinking they're sheep," Destro corrected. "Once in a while the Baroness herds them around the room to get a little exercise."
"Oh right. The Baroness still thinks she's a dog," Cobra Commander realized. "Oh well then you might as well pull up a chair and join us."
"I take it this is another meeting to try and figure out a plan for world domination?" Destro asked as he sat down.
"No, we're just having drinks and hiding from everyone else," Cobra Commander sighed. "Basically our great plan is to drink, get bombed and wallow in the misery that is our lives."
"I'm in," Destro sighed as he took a beer from a nearby cooler.
"What's this? The Mighty Destro has stooped to having an alcoholic beverage and wallow in self-pity?" Zartan mocked.
"My girlfriend thinks she's a dog. An attack dog," Destro glared at him. "And I'm her favorite target."
"And that is quickly becoming our favorite joke of the year," Buzzer snorted.
"Aren't you missing a Dreadnok?" Destro asked. "Or should I say two?"
"Road Pig? He's not here," Torch said.
"I can see that. Not that I care but where is he?" Destro asked.
"He and Donald have a pottery class tonight," Torch explained. "Well Road Pig is having the class. Donald is teaching him."
"And my lack of interest has plummeted even further," Destro groaned. "Can we please do something other than discussing the hobbies of the Dreadnoks? Or any conversations regarding the Dreadnoks for that matter?"
"How about we watch a movie?" Tomax asked.
"It would be a good distraction," Xamot agreed.
"As long as it's not that stupid Rise of Cobra Joe Movie," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Worst movie portrayal of me ever! And I am including the millions of pimple faced online fan boys that make home movies using my action figure and put me in a dress!"
"You have an action figure?" Torch blinked.
"We all have an action figure," Tomax reminded him.
"GI Joe has that lucrative deal with that toy company," Xamot said. "Remember?"
"Where do you think the Joes get all that funding for their weapons and technology?" Tomax asked. "The government?"
"I can't believe what they did to me in that movie," Cobra Commander grumbled. "I mean I know I'm the villain but the least they could do was make me a halfway decent villain instead of a tool!"
"Here we go…" Destro sighed. "Let it go Cobra Commander."
"No! No! I will not let it go!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay first of all, my backstory is completely wrong!"
"To be fair Commander, not that many people know your true origins," Destro reminded him.
"And those that do, really wish they didn't," Zartan sighed as he took a swig of beer.
"Yeah but they still could have come up with a better plot than that! I mean, Duke being my best friend at one time? COME ON!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's as likely as a chicken being friends with Colonel Sanders!"
"That would be an interesting movie," Ripper thought aloud. "I'd pay to see that. Especially if the chicken gets killed and returns as a zombie at the end."
"You'd see anything with a zombie in it," Buzzer took a swig of beer.
"And what's wrong with that?" Ripper asked. "Zombie movies are great! Better than vampire movies!"
"They are not! Vampire movies rock!" Monkeywrench snapped.
"This from the Twilight fanatic over here," Zartan rolled his eyes.
"I got a thing for Bella! Okay?" Monkeywrench snapped.
"I'm sorry. I never got into that series," Ripper shook his head. "Seriously, falling in love with vampires? Ugh. Give me an old fashioned zombie movie every day!"
"Yeah at least you know that sooner or later the zombie is gonna bite you in the end," Buzzer agreed. "Those movies where girls fall for bloodthirsty vampires are so stupid."
"You want to hear about stupid? That GI Joe movie! I was friends with Duke! Duke! That is the stupidest backstory I ever heard!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Yes the truth about you being a snake man from a society called Cobra La is much more realistic," Destro drawled.
"And they gave me the name Rex? Rex? Makes me sound like a dog!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"And you make cracks about my girlfriend acting like a female dog," Destro remarked. "At least she isn't named after one." Cobra Commander gave him a look.
"Rex isn't that bad a name," Tomax spoke up.
"It means King in Latin," Xamot added.
"A lot of famous people have the name Rex," Mindbender spoke up. "Rex Harrington, Rex Reed…"
"Tyrannosaurus Rex," Ripper spoke.
"My father's name was Rex," Monkeywrench spoke up. "And two of my uncles and one of my aunts."
"There you go," Cobra Commander pointed to Monkeywrench. "I rest my case."
"Well her real name was Rexxane but we all called her Auntie Rex for short," Monkeywrench went on.
"I don't care," Cobra Commander gave him a look.
"I liked my Auntie Rex. She was a lot of fun," Monkeywrench grinned. "She owned this strip club on the outskirts of town and let me work there when I was a kid. Mostly doing dishes and waiting tables and stuff."
"I said I didn't care!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Best summer job I ever had," Monkeywrench smiled. "Hell, I went to work there more often than I went to school! I remember this one time the truant officer showed up and my auntie…"
"HELLO! We're talking about me now!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Nobody wants to hear your stupid story Monkeywrench!"
"That's not necessarily true," Mindbender spoke up. "Maybe some of us want to hear it? Depending or not if it has nudity in it…"
"Uh yeah but only the guy gets naked so…" Monkeywrench admitted.
"Oh well then never mind," Mindbender waved.
"No explosions or anything?" Buzzer asked.
"Nah just your typical story about a naked government official in a banana suit," Monkeywrench waved. "Now that I think about it, it is kind of a boring story. Never mind."
"What is your real name anyway?" Destro asked Cobra Commander.
"It's pretty much impossible to say in human language because my people have a couple of extra vowels you don't have," Cobra Commander waved. "Loosely translated it means Son of the Great She Serpent that Swallowed the Sun and Vomited the Moon and Whose Venom Scatters Across the Earth Devastating All in Its Path."
"Good Lord Commander," Monkeywrench was stunned. "How did you pass the first grade writing that name?"
"Let's just get back to the movie shall we?" Cobra Commander snapped. "For lack of a better name of that travesty. I mean what else would you call almost two hours' worth of bad acting, worse writing and inconsistent visual effects that make the Transformers movies seem like Shakespeare?"
"NBC's Comedy Block after Community and Parks and Rec?" Mindbender asked.
"Okay there is something worse than that," Cobra Commander conceded. "But that's still television which has a separate category of badness all its own. I'm talking movie badness."
"Wait a minute. Community and Parks and Recreation are great shows!" Ripper protested. "I think they're bloody hilarious!"
"I said after Community and Parks and Recreation," Mindbender corrected.
"Oh right," Ripper realized. "Yeah…The Office really has gone downhill since Michael Scott left."
"I must admit Commander I agree with you on the movie," Destro sighed. "The directing was so uneven it made me long for the genius that was Ed Wood."
"It wasn't all bad," Monkeywrench pointed out. "The Baroness was hot in that movie!"
"That Baroness was hotter than the real Baroness," Buzzer thought.
"She was, wasn't she?" Destro smirked.
"Yeah. And she was also my sister!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Oh right," Destro winced. "I forgot."
"There's a right cold bucket of ice water," Monkeywrench shuddered.
"How do you think that made me feel?" Cobra Commander snapped. "And what was the deal on how I looked in that movie?"
"I dunno," Mindbender shrugged. "I thought the Deadpool on antidepressant medication was rather a step up from your usual look."
"Not that! I meant my uniform!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I have three classic looks from which the costume designers could get inspiration from! My usual commander's uniform, classic as always." He indicated his uniform and helmet.
"Yeah it's a classic all right," Zartan rolled his eyes.
"My dress uniform which includes my cowl for special occasions," Cobra Commander listed. "And my battle uniform. Which reminds me I haven't worn that thing in a long time. And I looked pretty good in it too."
"If by pretty good you mean a half formed Transformer then yeah you did," Monkeywrench spoke up.
"And what did they go with?" Cobra Commander asked. "A mask that made me look like Destro's retarded cousin!"
"Commander…" Destro sighed. "We've talked about using the R word."
"Oh bite me Destro! We're terrorists! You want political correctness go watch CNN!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Wait is there an action figure of me?" Torch looked around.
"Yes Torch. We left this conversation five minutes ago," Cobra Commander groaned.
"You've been thinking about that all this time?" Zartan asked. "I wondered why you were so quiet."
"I've got a bloody action figure of myself and I don't have it?" Torch was stunned.
"Of course you have it! We all have our action figures! Hell we all have the whole bloody set!" Buzzer snapped. "No wait, Zartan's holding yours."
"Why?" Torch asked.
"Because you keep setting yours on fire," Zartan said calmly.
"Oh right. Now I remember," Torch giggled to himself. "Hey remember the time we strapped the action figure of the Commander to a firecracker and set it off?"
"Yeah. And it still looked better than that movie version of his uniform when the fire went out," Ripper snorted. "What about the time we played Parachute with one of them and that gator choked to death on it?"
"Or how about the time we put one in a remote controlled helicopter and it crashed right into…?" Monkeywrench began.
"I GET THE PICTURE!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If you don't mind I would like to skip over the conversation about how many times you've burned me in effigy."
"We didn't always burn you," Torch said. "Didn't you hear Ripper? Once an alligator ate you."
"To think my life has been reduced to this," Destro sighed. "I'm stuck here listening to the Dreadnoks complain about vampires and toys."
Destro then thought. "Hold on. I don't have to listen to this," He pulled out his smart phone. "That's it. I'm calling one of my spare female companions and set up a date."
"Wait you're cheating on the Baroness?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Hello? She thinks she's a dog now!" Destro snapped. "I can't have sex with her. I'm not my uncle Hamish. I have standards."
"So you go to a hooker," Tomax remarked.
"Very classy," Xamot scoffed.
"Considering your relationship with Cadet Deming these past few years I would hardly think the two of you would be experts on class," Destro snapped. "And not all these women in here are prostitutes. A lot of them are clients or business associates."
"So sleeping with you is like a business perk or something?" Torch asked. "Bloody hell I sure don't want to be in that member's reward program."
"I bet most of them are dogs," Monkeywrench snorted. "Wait, that would be just like sleeping with the Baroness!"
"Not going to stop with the dog jokes anytime soon I take it?" Destro sighed.
"You keep pitching us fat ones! How can we ignore it?" Monkeywrench said.
"That's true Destro," Cobra Commander agreed. "We might as well drag this joke out as long as possible to get the most laughs and blackmail material out of it."
"Mostly at the Baroness's expense but some of it at yours," Zartan smirked. "So is Monkeywrench right? Do you have to pick some of them up at a kennel?"
"No! They are not dogs!" Destro snapped. "They are very elegant and sophisticated ladies…Who just happen to need a couple of weapons of mass destruction in order to keep the neighbors at bay."
"More like keep 'em off the lawn," Buzzer snorted.
"Yeah they need their lawn so they can go to the toilet on it," Torch snorted.
"They are not dogs! They are attractive women! Mostly attractive women!" Destro snapped.
"Mostly?" Zartan raised an eyebrow.
"Okay some of them are in their sixties but with all the plastic surgery they get you would swear they were in their early forties," Destro admitted. "And they are willing to do things that the Baroness would never do."
"Like what?" Ripper asked.
"Well currently hold an actual conversation," Destro sighed. "As well as eating with a knife and fork when we go to a restaurant."
"Now you have to bring her home a doggy bag," Monkeywrench spoke up. Destro glared at him. "Dude, you said restaurant! Of course someone had to make a doggy bag comment! You keep pitching us fat ones!"
"Wait you've cheated on the Baroness before? Why would you do that?" Cobra Commander asked. Destro looked at him. "And even as I asked the question I realized how stupid that was."
"Yeah it was even stupid for us," Torch pointed out. "So you know that's bad!"
"How many times have you done this?" Cobra Commander asked. "I mean I know about the instances in Jamaica and Scotland and that time in Vegas but…How often does this occur?"
"Let's just say for all those times the Baroness and I are either on break or she decides that she needs some personal space I have an option," Destro explained.
"That much huh?" Torch asked.
"That's about the gist of it," Destro looked at his phone. "Now whom can I trust not to turn me into the authorities? Well that lets her out. And her. Definitely her!"
"Uh Destro…" Zartan pointed to the phone.
"It's an unsecured phone with one of those location scramblers," Destro snapped. "I'm not a complete moron."
"You're right about the complete part," Zartan smirked.
"How much does the Baroness know about your little arrangement?" Xamot asked.
"Not as much as she thinks. And her not knowing saves me from plenty of battles. Ah I know just the woman to call," Destro looked at his phone. "The Countess. She's perfect."
"Wait The Countess? As in The Countess from those Australian terrorists we had the brunch from Hell with a couple of years ago?" Zartan asked.
"It wasn't that bad," Cobra Commander said. "Those pastries were really good."
"Commander you realize that you sounded just like a Dreadnok just now?" Mindbender gave him a look.
"Oh crap. I really need to meet new people," Cobra Commander groaned. "But getting back to Destro…Wait I remember The Countess. Blonde arrogant woman with an eye patch of some Eastern European origin?"
"That's her," Destro said.
"Didn't she have a boyfriend?" Tomax asked.
"A boyfriend that used to wear a metal mask?" Xamot added.
"They broke up. He had commitment issues and he cheated on her constantly," Destro waved.
"So instead with him…" Xamot began.
"She's with you?" Tomax raised an eyebrow.
"Yes. Why? What's wrong?" Destro asked.
The other Cobras exchanged looks. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all," Cobra Commander said with a straight face.
"But…" Torch began only to get hit hard on the head by Zartan. "OW!"
"Quiet Torch," Zartan said. "No one wants to hear about action figures."
"I wasn't say anything about that. I was gonna say…" Torch began. Only to get hit on the head again by Zartan. "OW!"
"Or anything about zombies either," Zartan covered smoothly. "Just sit there and keep quiet okay?"
"I'm sending her a text now," Destro sent the message. "Ah good news. The Countess is in. I tell you it will be a relief to get away from the Baroness for a while and be with a woman that doesn't act like a raving maniac."
"But wait a minute," Torch began. "Doesn't…"
This time Torch was hit by not only Zartan but by Ripper and Buzzer, the two Dreadnoks closest to him on the couch. "SHUT UP!" Ripper and Buzzer yelled at the same time.
"I'd worry about damage to your brain but since you don't have one…" Zartan hit Torch again. "Torch. Just be quiet and let the grownups talk. Okay?"
"She's sending me a text back. Why that playful little minx," Destro chuckled. Then he looked at the others. "Let me guess you're all going to want something from me to not tell the Baroness about this when she regains her senses. Am I right?"
"No," Cobra Commander said firmly. "We are not going to say anything to the Baroness. Right?"
"Destro I think it's safe to say that none of us wants to get anywhere near your relationship problems with the Baroness," Zartan said.
"Yeah look what happened to Dr. Venom," Monkeywrench said.
"It's uh…Part of the Bro Code," Cobra Commander came up with a lie.
"Bro Code. Yes. Like that show by the way," Mindbender covered. "Great show."
"Oh yeah. Great show. Funny show. Love Neil Patrick Harris," The Dreadnoks said quickly. "So funny."
"Am I allowed to talk about this?" Torch covered his head.
"Depends on how good you are," Zartan said.
"Well as much as I would love to abandon another night of stimulating conversation," Destro said sarcastically as he stood up. "I have a date."
"So you do," Cobra Commander said with a straight face. "With The Countess."
"Don't wait up," Destro went off.
"We won't," Cobra Commander said. When Destro was out of earshot he added. "We won't wait long for this disaster to blow up in your metal plated face."
"Okay is it just me or does this Countess dame sound exactly like…?" Torch began.
"Yes," Everyone else in the room said.
"And didn't she used to date some clod in a metal…?" Torch went on.
"Yes," Everyone replied again.
"And Destro doesn't…?" Torch added.
"No," Everyone said.
"And that bloke thinks we Dreadnoks are stupid?" Torch yelled.
"You are stupid," Xamot said.
"But Destro's stupidity…" Tomax said.
"Is of a very different variety," Xamot added.
"A very disturbing variety," Tomax nodded.
"So basically Destro is trading in one dark haired four eyed bitch for a blonde one eyed bitch?" Torch asked. "And he has no clue that they're practically the same person only with different hair and one has more eyes than the other?"
"That's about the size of it Torch," Zartan snickered. "Kind of gives you a bit of an insight into our resident Metal Head doesn't it?"
"A bit too much for my taste," Cobra Commander groaned.
"It does put a different twist in the betting pool doesn't it?" Mindbender snorted.
"Oh yeah. I'd forgotten about that," Cobra Commander said. "Okay new betting pool. Who wants to bet on what month the Baroness discovers Destro's cheating on her again?"
"That all depends…," Xamot said.
"On how long she believes she is a canine," Tomax remarked.
"Well if she's a dog she could sniff it out easy," Ripper said. "Dogs have a highly intuitive sense of smell."
"Please! The only thing the Baroness can smell is a vat of wine," Tomax snorted.
"Put us down for December," Xamot said.
"Well that should liven up the holidays more than usual around here," Cobra Commander said as he took out some paper. "Looks like tonight wasn't a total waste of time after all. If this betting pool grows large enough we might actually cover our budget for the week!"
"Put me down for September," Mindbender spoke. "I tell you one thing, what Cobra lacks in success for our world domination schemes; we make up for it in the success of our betting pools."