Echo of a Heartbeat
By Danyu
It was after Tokyo that things started to go downhill.
She had always been aware of the attraction between Starfire and Robin. Her mind was linked to the man's. The only thing that really surprised her after hearing of their kiss was that Robin had overcome his shyness and finally made his move. She had always thought Star would be good for him; the light to his dark, a relief to the burdens of his soul, someone who could make him happy and help him look to the future instead of lingering on his past. And for a while, he was happy.
There were two sides to the man. First and foremost, there was Robin. Strong, steady, loyal, reliable Robin. The fearless hero. The stern but caring leader. Robin walked the straight and narrow, but at the same time, he was disturbingly obsessive. He was a perfectionist, manipulative and impeccably detailed. He was cocky, confident, so sure of himself he bordered on arrogant. He was distant, held high above the rest of them, and whenever he fell from that pedestal, the fall was hard enough to jar his very soul.
Robin was the mask. Beneath it all, there was Richard.
There were parts of Richard that were still the scared, vulnerable young boy who had witnessed his parents' deaths. There were other parts of him that smothered that little boy with anger and obsession and violence.
His insecurities were hidden beneath the oppressive perfection of Robin, his fear beneath the bitter Richard often fell victim to. He was insecure and broken. Guilt and self-blame haunted him every step of the way. His parents, Slade, Terra, his fallout with Batman…Bruce. Every time a villain got away or one of his teammates was injured, he blamed himself.
He was determined to be perfect, but he knew he was anything but. He was only human, and it was the human in him that earned the affection and love of those around him. In love, he was patient and kind; he was tender in his affection and gentle in his passion.
He was one of the good ones, but he fought so ruthlessly to keep Richard buried beneath Robin and the more someone tried to get closer to him, tried to know him better (namely Starfire), the more difficult he found it to hide away the darker aspects of Richard.
Richard was gentle, Richard had a temper.
Richard was sweet, Richard was demanding.
Richard was attentive, Richard could be so passionate he was almost frightening in his intensity.
Richard was too much for Starfire to handle.
Starfire had been naïve in her love for him, imagining the white knights and happily-ever-after Earthling media depicted to her. Robin had imagined he could be the perfect boyfriend someone of Star's innocence would want from him- dates, flowers, cuddles, and handholding- without having to worry she would press to know him any more intimately.
No one was really at fault. Starfire couldn't have known what she was getting herself into, and Robin…Robin never realized how near the surface Richard was before someone got too closer. She had underestimated the complexity of the Boy Wonder; he had underestimated the maturity of the princess's affection for him.
The transformation of their relationship began to frighten her for reasons she could not quite pinpoint. All she knew was that the happiness she had always wanted for Richard was beginning to splinter away. And she didn't want to be selfish by focusing only on Robin- she knew that Starfire would suffer as well from the terrible backlash destined to occur if their relationship continued on its collision course. Consequently, she did what she thought was best: confronting Robin.
In retrospect, she ought to have known it wasn't one of her smartest ideas. Unfortunately for them both, it didn't go so well.
Confrontation quickly escalated into an argument of epic proportions, Robin roaring at her until his face was flushed nearly purple with fury, her magic nearly static in the air with the amount she used to throw things at him. The culmination came as he marched forward determinedly, grabbed her by her forearms, and crushed his mouth over hers.
His kisses were fast and hard, leaving her breathless and dizzy. She could have stopped him at any time she wanted, but something froze her, unresponsive but unresisting in his forceful embrace. He shoved her back against a wall, giving her minimal time to react before he was pushing his body into hers, trying to get as close as possible without little thought to her own comfort. He ravaged her mouth, burying a hand in her hair to better angle her head, moving frantically against her in a way that both startled and concerned her. It wasn't passion driving Richard to practically ravish her where she stood. It was pure, unadulterated desperation.
He growled, a low, guttural sound, as he nipped none too gently at her neck, and she sought to soothe him. She had never been the gentle type, certainly not physically affectionate, but with months of being awoken by his dreams and comforting him back into a needed sleep, she put her learned knowledge of how just to touch him to good use.
She gently stroked his shoulders, peppering soft kisses against his jaw and his rough growling changed into a soft keening sound as she felt the tension ease in the muscles beneath his fingers. He melted into her- it was the only way to describe the trusting way he fell into her- burying his face in the crook of her neck and breathing out with harsh, panting breaths.
"Rae…I don't know what to do…"
He raised his head once more, expression unreadable with the dark mask obscuring his face. And for the first time in nearly a year, his emotions were so tangled and erratic she could not clearly read him.
She stared. She had never before heard the impenetrable Boy Wonder ever say something so personal, so open. He had never before admitted to vulnerability of any sort, even in her presence. The only exception of the nightmares they shared and consequently comforted, and she could feel the raw pain roaring beneath the surface.
He released a broken sound, somewhere between a moan and a sob, viciously tearing away a mask uncomfortably wet with tears he had been bitterly shedding, desperately turning toward her for some kind of retribution.
Looking into his eyes, she came to a quick, startling realization she could have kicked herself for not seeing before. The entire time, she should have seen it. A gentle personality like Starfire couldn't be strong enough to hold out against the darkness that plagued the man before her.
And Richard…Richard had places in his mind- dark places- even she had not yet uncovered. It would kill him to hurt the girl how loved him so innocently, something inevitable, for he was not strong enough yet to battle his demons.
She did not embrace him, she did not mutter words of comfort or reassurance she knew he would not believe; instead, she merely raised a hand to rest against his cheek, staring unblinking into his eyes- let herself see, really see him.
His eyes closed and his wearied features slowly relaxed as he leaned into her touch. He pressed a kiss to her palm and murmured in a muffled whisper.
"Thank you."
Beneath the mask, he was only a man. She wondered if there would ever be a way to show him how human he really was.
xx
Robin wasn't the type to cheat. Raven wasn't the type to let him.
They were connected: the bond formed between them the night she'd saved him from Slade's influence had created a constant, pulsating awareness of everything about him in the back of her mind. She knew what had happened between them had effected him profoundly: not necessarily in romantic sort of way, nor an utter guilt for his betrayal to Starfire (through he did carry the appropriate amount of shame) but more battles within himself over the things their encounter had broken loose inside him that refused to be quieted.
The break-up was a surprise only to Cyborg and Beastboy. Beastboy, for being naturally oblivious; Cyborg, though he had noticed some tension between his leader and the Tamaranian beauty, had clearly expected them to work it out with time. Starfire accepted the whole thing with a quiet, wistful sort of sadness, and with the looks she occasionally sent in Raven's direction, the empath strongly suspected Robin had confessed some version of the 'incident' in the training room. Though he took to holing himself up more often in his bedroom or evidence room, avoiding the others, Robin maintained the role of stern, solemn commander, and Raven herself reverted back to her usual distant stoicism as if nothing at all had happened.
But still, things were not yet done changing.
xx
It happened one night when they were both abruptly awoken by a commonly recurring nightmare of his- memories of his parents' deaths. She didn't hesitate to teleport herself to his room, nor to approach his bed and sit beside his trembling, sweating form. She didn't hesitate to reach out and rest a hand against his, slowly sliding the hand up his wrist and arm, over his shoulder and down to his chest, laying her palm flat over his heart. Feeling his body quickly falling into shock, she closed her eyes and focused.
It was a strange mix between her healing and her empathy, something that only seemed to work on him, most likely due to the complicated entanglements between their minds. Her powers were tightly tied to her emotions as it was- feelings she had for her leader that she never gave herself time to examine.
His heart began to slow and quiet to a normal beating, his pallor began to return as his blood warmed and flowed smoothly. Warmth and calm flooded through him, concern joining them as he watched sweat bead against her smooth brow, her breath quickly accelerating. She rarely did this for him, saving the process for the worst nights, knowing how much it took out of her.
Strong, capable arms were there to catch her, always ready, cradling her against the reassuring solidarity of his body. With a sigh of exhaustion, she laid her head against his chest, focusing on the steady pace of his heart.
"Rae."
Startled by the sound of his voice (they never spoke to each other on these nights, there was really no need for words), her head shot up. He smiled wryly, lightly tracing a finger along the curve of her cheek. "Thank you."
The words of gratitude were an echo of 'that night'. Whether intentional or not, they still startled her, even more so when Robin leaned even closer to her, drawing her closer to him, leaning his head against hers. Their eyes met and locked, holding them in the moment.
They were standing at a crossroads and in the end, it was Robin that made the decision for them, leaning forward to press his lips to hers. His lips were dry and hot, a bit chapped, and he was clumsy and overly eager in his initial passion. She pressed a hand against his chest in a gesture for him to ease off and he got the message, his mouth softening against hers, hand rising to her face to gently stroke her cheek.
When they parted, she rested her forehead against his, inwardly awed by the soft, relaxed expression that had fallen over his face. His eyes had fluttered closed and he sported a small smile; she kissed the contented curve to his lips, sighed his name softly, "Richard."
His hand reached out to grasp hers, their fingers intertwining. They fell quiet, and for a long while, all there was were the dual sounds of their breathing, eventually easing into the slow, deep patterns of slumber.
xx
They never said "I love you."
They didn't need to. They both knew how the other felt- it was evident in every subtle look and discreet touch. It was clear in little gestures- when he made her tea in the morning, when she allowed him to watch her on the rooftop during her meditation, silently taking solace in the pure calmness she radiated, when they sat together on the couch, heads close together as they quietly discussed one of her books.
She watched him, aware of the shifts in his mood. She was there to soothe the nightmares, she was there to call him on his actions when he went too far, she was there to confront his temper and his passions head-on without fear, she was there to understand when all he really needed was someone to talk to. Slowly but surely, he eased into some semblances of patience and calm; though there were aspects to him, scars on his soul she knew would never heal, there were ways he could learn and change.
She could never save him- she wasn't nearly presumptuous or arrogant enough to think she could- but she could help him heal, little by little. It was the least she could do, for he did the same to her, with every gentle smile, every laugh that came without falsity or bitterness; every sweet kiss and every slow touch, her past seemed to melt away with the tenderness of his love.
She watched him one night as he lay beside her, his sleep quiet and calm, free from nightmares with her sharing the bed. He was on his stomach, head resting against his arm like a pillow, mouth hanging open as he softly snored. She couldn't help but smile; she didn't touch him, merely taking comfort in his presence as she stretched out beside him, preparing for her own slumber. Unexpectedly but not unwanted, he shifted in his sleep onto his back, arms reaching out for her until he pulled her to him, cuddling her close.
Raven rested her head against his chest, contently focusing on the sound of his heart beating beneath muscle, flesh and bone- something that had quickly grown to be her favorite sound. Richard drowsily nuzzled against her neck, murmuring a quiet, "Raven," before falling into a light, wheezing snore once again.
He never said "I love you." He didn't have to.
She always knew.