It's Getting Better All the Time

Song By: Brooks and Dunn

Authors Note: For storyline purposes I took out the last two bars of this song. – Enjoy!

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings
My heart don't race when someone's at my door
I've almost given up thinkin' your ever gonna call
I don't believe in magic anymore.

John McBain lifted the half full bottle of Whiskey to his lips and took a long swig, enjoying the burn the liquid made as it went down his throat. Setting the bottle back down on the pavement beside him, he stared blankly ahead as he remembered happier times.

Flashback

"Where are we going?" Natalie asked the excitement obvious in her voice.

"Have some patience will ya?" John replied lightly as he led a blindfolded Natalie toward their destination.

"You know patience really isn't my strong suit."

"Really? I never would have guessed that." John said with a sarcastic smile on his face – a look that Natalie sensed despite being blindfolded. She punched him lightly - as well as she could manage and shook her head. "I don't know why I put up with this abuse." She said with a mock pout.

"I know, I know, I am the worst boyfriend ever. But I'm still not telling you where we are going."

Natalie sighed dramatically. "Fine but payback's a bitch. Just remember that when I have you blindfolded and am leading you out in to the middle of nowhere."

"I would love to see you try." He replied with a laugh as he led her through the doors to their destination. "Anyways, we're here now."

She broke out into a wide smile as her hands flew to the blindfold. "So this can come off?"

John reached behind her and undid the knot on the silk tie. "Surprise," he said softly, both embarrassed and nervous about her reaction. They were standing in the middle of Rodi's which had been covered with dozens of candles and roses everywhere. It was unlike John to put himself on the line and do the romantic thing, but Natalie deserved it.

Her eyes widened in shock as she took in their surroundings and she whirled around to face him. "You did all this? How? Why?"

John looked sheepishly at the ground. "With all I have put you through in the last year with my search for my dad's killer, I wanted to make it up to you. I thought we could use a night alone to have a beer, play some pool and maybe I'll even make good on that promise of a second dance. Plus, today's a special day for us."

Natalie moved in closer and put her arms around him. "You remembered."

John laughed. "How could I forget our first kiss? In my eyes, St. Patrick's day will always be our holiday."

She smiled before leaning up and giving him a kiss. "This is beautiful, I love it. But John, you don't owe me anything. I always understood why you were doing what you were. You needed closure."

John nodded and kept her close to him. "I know you did, and that's what made me realize something."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

End Flashback

Natalie of course had been flabbergasted by his admission, but that shock soon turned to excitement as she lunched herself into his arms and replied "I love you too" through a slew of kisses and tears. That night had turned into one of the most memorable for both of them, but as John sat drinking his Whiskey he wished he could just forget it along with everything else.

I just don't lie awake at night
Asking God would get you off my mind
It's getting better all the time
It's getting better all the time.

He could deal with the occasional mention of her name, or finding something that she had worn or touched, but what John couldn't deal with were the memories. The memories were what still kept him awake some nights.

The good ones were hard enough to remember but ever so slowly they were getting easier. The bad however, were another story as they still haunted him and were the ones that had John wishing he could just have them erased from his mind.

Especially one in particular…

Flashback

"Lieutenant McBain?" The timid, shaking voice of Officer Matthews called out as he opened the door to John's office and poked his head in.

"Yeah Matthews?" John answered, slightly irritated by the interruption.

The officer closed the door and came over to stand in front of John's desk. "There's been an accident on Main Street sir."

"Have you alerted Peters? He's in charge of traffic?"

Matthews nodded. "I have, but sir… Your wife's vehicle was on of the cars involved and she's on route to the hospital."

"Natalie… Michael, where is she? How is she?" John asked frantically after rushing through the doors to the ER and heading straight for his brother who was standing by the reception desk.

Michael placed an arm around John's shoulders and tried to lead him toward the nearby seats but John just shook him off. "Where is she? I need to see her Michael."

Michael blinked back the tears forming in his eyes as he stared at his brother. "It's bad John." He said softly.

The all color washed out of John's face and he took a step back. "How bad Mike?"

"She lost a lot of blood, and there's internal bleeding…"

"How bad?" John repeated cutting off Michael.

"Really bad."

John felt as if someone was taking a knife to his heart. "I need to see her," he finally choked out as he blinked back tears.

Michael opened his mouth to object, but after taking one look at his brother, he nodded. Follow me."

End Flashback

Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning
This old job is all that I got to live
And no one even noticed I'd been crying
At least I don't have whisky on my breath.

In the first few months after her death, John had been a complete wreck. Everywhere he looked he was reminded of Natalie; the house that they had made their home, Angel Square Hotel where they had spent so many wonderful nights, the Palace where they had had their wedding, Rodi's which had been the sight of most of their happy memories, the police station… the list was never ending and John just couldn't take it. So he rented a room at a hotel outside of town and just stayed there and for weeks trying to drink away his pain.

A plan that unfortunately hadn't worked.

Michael had finally tracked him down, sobered him up, dragged him back to Llanview and stuck by him through it all. The first six months were the worst – John had thrown himself into work and worked twenty-hour shifts, only stopping for quick naps on his office couch. Everyone had been worried about him and tried to get him to talk about his feelings, but as usual John just shut down.

But that wasn't to say he didn't feel.

The pain was there alright, and although it had eased up some once the one year mark had passed, John still found himself haunted by the memory of her voice, scent, touch and smile mixed cruelly in with images of their wedding and that final goodbye.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it
'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb
It's getting better all the time
It's getting better all the time.

Things were getting better, but John doubted they would ever be fine. He had contemplated packing up and leaving town, but knew it would be pointless as the pain and sorrow followed him wherever he went and was always there no matter what he was doing.

It was inescapable, just like that memory of their final goodbye.

Flashback

"John," Natalie whispered weakly as he entered the hospital room and rushed to her bedside "you made it." She choked out managing a very small smile.

John wordlessly sat down in the seat beside her bed and gently took a hold of her hand. Michael had assured him she was on enough drugs to keep the pain away but it was hard remembering that as he looked at her. Natalie's face was bruised and bleeding and her usually vibrant red hair fell in dull, wet ringlets around her shoulders. "Of course I made it," he finally managed trying to keep the tears at bay.

"We both know goodbyes were never your strong suit." Natalie said with great effort.

This was too much for John and the tears began to fall. "Hey, don't talk like that. You're going to be just fine and we'll be back at Rodi's playing pool before you know it."

Natalie softly shook her head. "Stop it… the day we got married we vowed no more lies or secrets, no matter how well meaning. John… I don't have much time…"

"Natalie no…"

With great effort Natalie squeezed his hand. "I need to say this," she said softly as her breathing became ragged. "There have been a lot of up and downs throughout our friendship, relationship and marriage, but I wouldn't trade a second of it – even if that meant living to be a hundred."

John let the tears fall freely as he stared down at his wife. "I've always loved you, even back before I finally admitted it, I always did."

She laughed weakly, as tears began to form in her own eyes. "And I always knew. I love you too John, but you're going to be fine."

"I can't do this Natalie, we've only had a few years... I can't lose you. I can't go back to being alone." John said with a burst of emotion as he began to openly sob.

"You'll never be alone John – you have your mom, Michael, Marcie, Uncle Bo, and you'll have Jess and my mom. They're going to need just as much support getting through this as you – please, be there for them and let them help you."

John remained silent and just let the tears fall. But Natalie had more to say and knew time was running out, so she rushed on.

"I need you to promise me a few things."

"Anything." John said sincerely wanting to do whatever he could for his wife.

"You have to look out for Rex for me. Losing Jen almost destroyed him, and I can't even begin to imagine what this is going to do. Please, make sure he doesn't slip into his old ways – and if he does remind him of how proud I was of him. And stay close to Brennan. With or without me, you're one of the few uncles she has, and as she grows up she's going to learn how hard it is to be a Buchanan. Be someone she can talk to, and escape those pressures."

"Of course," John promised, touched by how worried she was about her family.

"And I need you to promise you're not going to go back to being the John I met six years ago. I want you to move on, find someone else and let yourself be happy."

"I can't do that," John chocked out a fresh wave of tears beginning to fall.

"Yes you can. You are the strongest man I have ever met John, and you're going to get through this. But you have to promise me you won't just go back to existing. I want you to live, love and be loved. Promise me," Natalie said weakly, her eyes beginning to slowly close. "Promise me John,"

"I promise," he finally said through sobs.

Natalie weakly managed to flash him a very small, satisfied smile. "No matter what, I am always going to be with you John. Remember that whenever things get tough."

John nodded.

"I love you John." Natalie's eyes finally completely shut and the monitor she was attached to began to beep.

When Michael rushed in, John was repeating the words, "I love you too" over and over as he held on to Natalie's now lifeless body.

End Flashback

That one memory haunted him like nothing else and would probably stay with him for the rest of his life. Things were getting better – he was working again, sleeping a few hours a night and being sure to keep his promises to Natalie about watching over Rex and Brennan.

But as he raised that bottle of whiskey to his mouth one more, and learned back against the wall of the hotel roof, he thought for the millionth time about his inability to keep that third promise.

He was just existing and had no intention of changing that because without Natalie he didn't want to live, love or be loved. There was no way he would be able to move on.

But two out of three wasn't bad.

It's getting better all the time...