~Language Barrier~

Author: Aerys Krystie

Plot: Mayhem breaks out on the Enterprise when an Aussie joins the ranks.

Warnings: Insanity, chaos, stupidity at its finest, slash, OOC and Aussie-themed good nature.

Disclaimer: Everything of and referring to Star Trek is not mine. This is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Please support the official release.

A/N: Complete crack. Not to be taken seriously in the slightest. Yes, I am Australian so I maintain the right to pull the piss out of myself. Thanks and enjoy!

Written in collaboration with my dearest mother… AKA: The Harpy.

oOo

Once upon a five year mission, on a Constellation Class Starship – more commonly referred to as USS Enterprise – there beamed aboard a bloke, which for some strange reason was the newest head of security. The first thing Captain James Tiberius Kirk, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott and First Officer Mister Spock saw was a strip of neon pink across the bridge of the nose. Sunglasses hid the eyes. An open shirt hung from the torso and boardies covered the lower half, with thongs on his feet. His hair was covered by a slouch hat, which had the right side pinned up and a feather sticking out of it.

"Snowy…Chamberlain?" Jim inquired, glancing at Scotty. The engineer nodded, assuring the Captain that they had the right man. "Welcome aboard."

"G'day, mate! 'Ow's it 'angin'?" Snowy asked with a large grin, stepping forward and extending his hand to Jim.

"Um… Ah… This is First Officer Mister Spock and this is Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott," he said, shaking hands with Snowy. "And one of them will show you to your quarters." He quickly walked out of the transport room, shaking his head and clearly trying to understand what just turned up on his beloved ship.

Though he felt bad about leaving Mister Spock and Scotty alone with the new head of security, Jim felt Spock at least would be able to handle the situation more diplomatically than he would. And if all else failed, maybe Scotty could understand what Snowy was saying and become a decent translator for them.

Back on the bridge, Jim settled into his chair and gazed at the view finder, pushing his odd head of security to the back of his mind for the remainder of his shift. Unfortunately, it was not to be, as Spock initiated a communication with him.

"Captain, what is a 'mud map'?" Spock inquired and Jim could hear the underlining dumbfounded tone in his voice.

Jim frowned, just as clueless as Spock. "Why would you need to know what a 'mud map' is?"

From behind Spock, Jim heard Snowy ask, "In order to get from A to be B, do I need a cut lunch and a water bag?"

This hell? Jim asked mentally, knowing it showed on his face. He glanced up and saw the expressions on everyone else's faces, and noticed that they matched his. There was query all of them had in their eyes: Who or what the hell is that? And Jim had no idea how to answer, except with the explanation that that was their new head of security.

Suddenly remembering that he had a communications officer on the bridge, Jim turned to Uhara with pleading eyes. "Please tell me you know what he's talking about!"

Uhara lowered her eyes in thought for a moment, running the words through her mind. "Well, maybe he needs a map?" she suggested, though not with confidence.

"Eh, sounds good enough. Thank you, Uhara. Give him a map of the ship, Mister Spock. And as for that…other thing, just smile and nod. Or in your case, just nod." He cut off the conversation and shrugged his shoulders. "At least it's never boring here."

oOo

A couple of days later, at the end of his shift, Jim walked into the mess hall. Most of his crew was already in there, watching a certain scene act out. Before he even looked, Jim knew exactly who it regarded and closed his eyes for a moment. He opened them and approached his head of security, who was gazing forlornly at the menu.

Standing beside him, Jim asked, "Is everything okay, Lieutenant Chamberlain?"

"Ya don't have any-think," he mumbled.

"There's a lot to choose from, though," Jim stated, gesturing towards the massive menu they had.

"But… No chiko rolls, no snags, no snag bags, no pav, no lamington, and there's no beetroot," he said, with an expression that Jim could only describe as 'a kicked puppy'.

Jim quickly looked around the mess hall, beseeching everyone there. Most of them looked down, not wanting to touch that with a ten foot barge pole. So, Jim turned his eyes to the people that have never let him down; his bridge crew. Chekov and Sulu immediately found their food interesting, while Spock decided that the ceiling was interesting. The only one that made eye contact was Uhara, who couldn't look away quickly enough.

Still feeling her Captain's eyes upon her, she looked up and saw Jim mouth the words: Help me! Uhara shook her head, mouthing back: That's why we didn't go there. Jim could read her eyes, which said: we're not that stupid, Captain. Suddenly feeling like a kicked puppy himself, Jim tried to think of a way out of the situation, when Snowy's last words came back to him.

"Actually, I think Mister Spock – now! – might be able to help you, being a vegetarian. He would know what has beetroot on it." Jim beckoned wildly to Spock, glancing at the strange look in Snowy's eyes. "Never mind that growl – it's a tick of mine."

Spock was over there in seconds. "Can I be of assistance, Captain?" he inquired, though somewhat meekly.

Quickly ordering his own meal, Jim placed a hand on Snowy's shoulder. "Help out our head of security with picking out something to eat, please," he said as he scurried off with his meal. Sitting down with Uhara and the rest, he thought back to the words that Snowy had used and wondered if any of them were real. He gave himself credit for dodging that bullet and decided that taking his meals in his quarters was the wisest choice to make.

oOo

A couple of weeks later, with no more run-ins, the dreaded comm rang through the bridge, thick with an accent that they still couldn't place. "Captain?"

Bracing himself for what he knew was about to come, Jim simply said, "Kirk here." He glanced around, seeing his entire crew just staring at the arm of his chair.

"I have a pair of drongos locked up in the six-by-fours," Snowy stated with a proud lilt in his voice.

"Good work, Chamberlain. But… why have you got a pair of d-drongos in the six-by-fours?" he asked, unable to keep the WTF look from his face, glancing at his crew and hoping they could fill him in. They held their hands up in defeat, once again leaving the Captain to deal with it on his own.

"Well, one drongo threw a wobbly, which caused a blue with the other drongo and that ––"

"Stop," Jim ordered, holding his hand over the speaker as though that would work. "We'll down there shortly. Where are you?"

"Where do you think I am, sir? I'm at the brig."

"We're on our way." He looked around. "Did anyone else get 'brig' from all of that?" His crew shook their heads and returned to their stations. "Mister Spock, with me. Let's find out what a 'drongo' is, let alone a pair of them."

Jim and Spock entered the turbolift, both as unsure as the other. Jim turned to Spock, with a pleading expression that was becoming way too permanent on his face. "What is a 'wobbly' and why did they paint it blue and why is it in the six-by-four with the drongos? Shouldn't they have been separated?"

Spock shook his head. "Indeed, Captain. We will find out when we get there."

"And what is your logic telling you?"

"That Mister Chamberlain's logic is beyond me."

The doors opened and they saw Chamberlain waiting for them, who took them through. All Jim was two crewmen, wondering where the blue-painted wobbly was and the drongos. He turned back to Snowy with confusion, trying to understand the situation that was before him. He couldn't help but notice that even Spock had an eyebrow raised at the two crewmen.

"Mister Chamberlain, care to explain where the drongos are?" Jim asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"Call me Snowy, sir. And you're lookin' at 'em, sir." Snowy gestured towards the pair that were locked up.

Kirk's eyes gleamed as he got a piece of the puzzle. He turned to Snowy. "So drongo means crewman?" he inquired hopefully.

"No, sir. They were acting like drongos," Snowy replied with a large grin.

"Okay," Jim said slowly, regaining his composure. "Where is this blue wobbly that was locked up with them?"

"What blue wobbly, sir?"

Jim felt his jaw twitch at the question. "Not five minutes ago, you commed me and told me that two drongos – which I assume are these two – were locked in a six-by-four – which I assume is the cell – because they painted a wobbly blue," he explained through clenched teeth, feeling his jaw twitch again.

"No, sir. One had a wobbly and the other turned into a complete blue over their ankle-biters. One was utterly ropeable and the other was spewin'."

"Was the one with the rope biting the ankles of the one that was throwing up?"

"You're not making any sense, sir," Snowy said with a sincere look of confusion on his face. He had no idea about who had the rope, who was throwing up and he didn't even want to know who was biting whose ankle.

"Mister Spock, I believe it is your turn," Jim said exasperatedly as he ambled down the hallway, away from it all.

Spock watched as his Captain left him alone, before his eyes snapped to Snowy. "Very well. Let's start with how the crewmen were acting like drongos."

"First, they were piss-farting around talking about their ankle-biters. Then it came down to a pissing match. Then one mentioned that the other's ankle-biter was a few roos short in the top paddock, which caused the other to throw a wobbly and it turned into a fair-dinkum blue."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment, making his list. One: What is 'piss-farting around'? Two: What is an 'ankle-biter'? Three: What is a 'wobbly' to be thrown? Four: What shade is 'fair-dinkum blue'? Five: Where is it, because I cannot see anything blue?

With a deep breath, Spock opened his eyes and gazed at Snowy. "Mister Snowy, in clear Standard or Vulcan, what is 'piss-farting around'? And only in those two languages."

"Mucking around," Snowy answered and Spock's eyebrow went up. "Um… Um… It's ah… They were dawdling after shift – wasting time."

"Thank you. What is an ankle-biter?"

"Kids, sir." Spick's eyebrow went up a little further, wondering why two crewmen would be talking about baby goats. "Children, sir." That made more sense.

"How is one 'a few roos short in the top paddock'?"

"Mentally inadequate, sir. Y'know, an idiot." The grin was slowly returning to Snowy's face.

"What is a 'wobbly' and how does one throw it?"

"Temper-tantrum, sir. Have you never seen a child throw a temper-tantrum, sir? They can throw them quite far and quite loudly," Snowy explained with a sage nod.

"What colour is 'fair-dinkum blue'?"

"Denim blue, sir," Snowy answered and the eyebrow went up again. "Um… Well, sir, it's not a colour. Fair-dinkum is a saying, sir."

"And blue is what in your language?"

"An argument, sir," Snowy said as though it was obvious.

"Thank you, Mister Snowy. You may write up your report now – in Standard. Complete Standard." Spock walked down the hallway and found Jim tapping his head against the wall, muttering away to himself.

"The wobbly! They're everywhere! And they're blue!"

"Captain, I got to the bottom of what happened. Mister Snowy is writing up his report, which you should be able to read. I have told him to write it in Standard," Spock explained, holding Jim's shoulders to still him.

Jim looked at him. "You actually translated him?"

Spock did not like the look in his Captain's eyes. And even Spock dreaded to think of what would happen when Snowy met Doctor McCoy.

End Chapter One.

Chapter two will be up shortly, where Snowy gets to meet Bones, has a drink with Scotty and attends a diplomatic party.

See you in the next chapter!

Hugs and kisses!

Auska and the Harpy.