The fight.
I must fight him. I can't let him win. If I give up and tell him what will that say about me? Even though it would explain a lot of things, like why I have never been attracted to women. Everyone thinks I am because of Soi, but I'm just using her, like I use everyone else I know. I don't want to hurt him, to be so cold, but if I'm not then everyone will know. They may grudgingly agree to fight under a Hin, but they would rebel against fighting under someone they think might try to seduce them at any time or who they think they can seduce into giving them better positions. The few times we were alone together I was almost overwhelmed by his kisses. He kissed me once in public and I slapped him as hard as I could. Though I instantly regretted it, I did nothing but stare at him coldly and hope that he didn't hate me. Those few seconds when he looked at me with that hurt expression that makes me want to cuddle and reassure him, were some of the worst I have ever lived and to make things worse, earlier, when we were alone, he told me that he forgave me and that he knew that if everyone else hadn't been there that I wouldn't have slapped him. Then he kissed me and I almost gave in, almost told him everything. Instead I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. As he was leaving, he turned and said that if I had truly wanted to be left alone that I would not allow him to kiss me. I was so angry that, after he left, I did something that I never do. I lost my composure and started throwing things. Sweet Seiryuu, why did he have to be right? And worse did he know how right he was? Oh no! What if he has realized how deeply my feelings for him go? I think about his hair, silvery- black and longer than most girls. It's so soft that it is like having a cat rubbing it's furry sides against you when you are trying to sleep. I think about his hands, long fingered and elegant. I think about his face, so beautiful and always hid from everyone except when he is asleep. The large golden eyes, so expressive and deep that you feel you could drown in them. The almost too sharp line of his nose. His lips, which stop just short of full and are so soft. Quickly, I call a servant and tell him I wish to remain undisturbed till I call for someone. No one is to disturb me, not even another seishi. I close the door and lie down on my bed. I spelled the door along time ago to make everything inaudible unless it was a danger to me. I did not think, when I had made these privacy spells, that love was a danger. Now it was too late to change the spell. I lay there and cried for what seemed like hours, though it was probably just a few minutes. Then I waited till all the blotchiness was gone from my face. It would not do for people to know that I had been crying like a child. I opened the door to call a servant. I told him to get me a glass of water and to deliver a letter, which I had written whilst I was waiting for my face to resume its natural color, to Tomo.
Why does he keep pushing me away? I know he likes me, I can see it every time he looks at me. It's a slight softening of his eyes that I'm sure not even he knows about. When we are alone together, I can see his confidence and resolve waver. I'm pretty sure he promised himself that he wouldn't tell me that he loves me, but you don't spend all your nights dreaming of someone and all your days observing them to learn nothing about them. He's loved me since we first met, he just won't admit it. Why does he keep torturing himself like this? I would not turn him away if he told me he needed me. Does he think the only reason I pursue him is because I enjoy the chase? If that is what he thinks then he is very mistaken about that. I am very much in love with him. I know things about him that even he has forgotten. I know all his weaknesses and desires and I know why he hates his desires. He hates them because they make him feel weak and they remind him that he is only human. He doesn't know that I know all this. If he did he would probably have me killed or imprisoned until my usefulness was gone. I turn my thoughts to the far more pleasant pastime of contemplating him. I thought of his golden waterfall hair, so long and full that I longed to feel it, to press it to my face and breath in the wonderful masculine scent of him. His eyes are the color of the middle of a clear, perfect sapphire. I think of his slim, well-muscled, build. His skin is like velvet- silk. His.*knock, knock! * I allow entrance into my sanctuary. "This is from Nakago-sama. He said that you are to read it immediately." Said the menial. I dismissed him and slowly, so slowly, I opened the letter.
Dear Tomo,
You can't keep this letter. You must destroy it after you've read it. It is risky enough writing this letter and if anyone sees this letter I will kill you. I'm sure you've already guessed (you annoyingly perceptive bastard.) that I love you. If I were to tell you right now that I dream of your beautiful face, of your delicious body, I doubt you would be surprised. The fact that this is true is beside the point. Do you want to know how I know what you look like without your protection, your costume and make up? I come to your room and watch you sleep. Sometimes you are dressed in that black silk robe which only highlights your beauty and sometimes you are not wearing anything. You're like a living statue of alabaster, water and night. Your eyes are like living gold. You are graceful and delicate seeming, but you are strong and have pulled through more than anyone that I know except myself. I know why you wear your mask. You are afraid. I'm afraid, also. I wear a mask, too. It is a mask of power, of self-assurance, of indifference. Somehow you saw that, saw past that, and saw me. Why did you have to be the one to break the wall? Why did you have to be someone I saw everyday, worked with everyday? I hate you but not enough, never enough because I love you. Anyone else I could use and get rid of but not you. I need you for the war against the Suzaku seishi and summoning Seiryuu even if I didn't need you for my heart. I want you to come to my rooms tonight at midnight. I have to talk to you. And remember, if anyone sees this letter I will kill you.
Nakago
My body finally reminded me that oxygen is a necessary part of survival.
I must fight him. I can't let him win. If I give up and tell him what will that say about me? Even though it would explain a lot of things, like why I have never been attracted to women. Everyone thinks I am because of Soi, but I'm just using her, like I use everyone else I know. I don't want to hurt him, to be so cold, but if I'm not then everyone will know. They may grudgingly agree to fight under a Hin, but they would rebel against fighting under someone they think might try to seduce them at any time or who they think they can seduce into giving them better positions. The few times we were alone together I was almost overwhelmed by his kisses. He kissed me once in public and I slapped him as hard as I could. Though I instantly regretted it, I did nothing but stare at him coldly and hope that he didn't hate me. Those few seconds when he looked at me with that hurt expression that makes me want to cuddle and reassure him, were some of the worst I have ever lived and to make things worse, earlier, when we were alone, he told me that he forgave me and that he knew that if everyone else hadn't been there that I wouldn't have slapped him. Then he kissed me and I almost gave in, almost told him everything. Instead I pushed him away and told him to leave me alone. As he was leaving, he turned and said that if I had truly wanted to be left alone that I would not allow him to kiss me. I was so angry that, after he left, I did something that I never do. I lost my composure and started throwing things. Sweet Seiryuu, why did he have to be right? And worse did he know how right he was? Oh no! What if he has realized how deeply my feelings for him go? I think about his hair, silvery- black and longer than most girls. It's so soft that it is like having a cat rubbing it's furry sides against you when you are trying to sleep. I think about his hands, long fingered and elegant. I think about his face, so beautiful and always hid from everyone except when he is asleep. The large golden eyes, so expressive and deep that you feel you could drown in them. The almost too sharp line of his nose. His lips, which stop just short of full and are so soft. Quickly, I call a servant and tell him I wish to remain undisturbed till I call for someone. No one is to disturb me, not even another seishi. I close the door and lie down on my bed. I spelled the door along time ago to make everything inaudible unless it was a danger to me. I did not think, when I had made these privacy spells, that love was a danger. Now it was too late to change the spell. I lay there and cried for what seemed like hours, though it was probably just a few minutes. Then I waited till all the blotchiness was gone from my face. It would not do for people to know that I had been crying like a child. I opened the door to call a servant. I told him to get me a glass of water and to deliver a letter, which I had written whilst I was waiting for my face to resume its natural color, to Tomo.
Why does he keep pushing me away? I know he likes me, I can see it every time he looks at me. It's a slight softening of his eyes that I'm sure not even he knows about. When we are alone together, I can see his confidence and resolve waver. I'm pretty sure he promised himself that he wouldn't tell me that he loves me, but you don't spend all your nights dreaming of someone and all your days observing them to learn nothing about them. He's loved me since we first met, he just won't admit it. Why does he keep torturing himself like this? I would not turn him away if he told me he needed me. Does he think the only reason I pursue him is because I enjoy the chase? If that is what he thinks then he is very mistaken about that. I am very much in love with him. I know things about him that even he has forgotten. I know all his weaknesses and desires and I know why he hates his desires. He hates them because they make him feel weak and they remind him that he is only human. He doesn't know that I know all this. If he did he would probably have me killed or imprisoned until my usefulness was gone. I turn my thoughts to the far more pleasant pastime of contemplating him. I thought of his golden waterfall hair, so long and full that I longed to feel it, to press it to my face and breath in the wonderful masculine scent of him. His eyes are the color of the middle of a clear, perfect sapphire. I think of his slim, well-muscled, build. His skin is like velvet- silk. His.*knock, knock! * I allow entrance into my sanctuary. "This is from Nakago-sama. He said that you are to read it immediately." Said the menial. I dismissed him and slowly, so slowly, I opened the letter.
Dear Tomo,
You can't keep this letter. You must destroy it after you've read it. It is risky enough writing this letter and if anyone sees this letter I will kill you. I'm sure you've already guessed (you annoyingly perceptive bastard.) that I love you. If I were to tell you right now that I dream of your beautiful face, of your delicious body, I doubt you would be surprised. The fact that this is true is beside the point. Do you want to know how I know what you look like without your protection, your costume and make up? I come to your room and watch you sleep. Sometimes you are dressed in that black silk robe which only highlights your beauty and sometimes you are not wearing anything. You're like a living statue of alabaster, water and night. Your eyes are like living gold. You are graceful and delicate seeming, but you are strong and have pulled through more than anyone that I know except myself. I know why you wear your mask. You are afraid. I'm afraid, also. I wear a mask, too. It is a mask of power, of self-assurance, of indifference. Somehow you saw that, saw past that, and saw me. Why did you have to be the one to break the wall? Why did you have to be someone I saw everyday, worked with everyday? I hate you but not enough, never enough because I love you. Anyone else I could use and get rid of but not you. I need you for the war against the Suzaku seishi and summoning Seiryuu even if I didn't need you for my heart. I want you to come to my rooms tonight at midnight. I have to talk to you. And remember, if anyone sees this letter I will kill you.
Nakago
My body finally reminded me that oxygen is a necessary part of survival.