Disclaimer: I don't own the WaT gang or their universe.
Title: Phase Change
Summary: Samantha has reached a dead end.
Rating: PG
A/N: Thanks to the people at Maple Street. You're wonderful and I can hardly imagine a group I'd rather be a part of.
"It's important to me that you understand that this seminar is not a punitive measure in any way."
"Then I don't understand why I'm being sent there." Samantha tries hard not to sound like the sixteen year old teen who got grounded. She can't help feel that way, though.
"Continued training is part of your job. It's vital to keep up to be able to handle all kinds of situations. You have been to training seminars before." her therapist talks slowly.
She has a point there, Samantha has to admit that. She has been on several seminars in the past. But then it felt like she was really going to training, to learn something new.
"It's just that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of attending a seminar about confidence in the field. I don't have a problem with my confidence, so it doesn't make much sense for me to attend." Sam tried to reason her way out of it.
"You have been shot in the field and while you might not notice it now, it has influenced your perception of both yourself and your work. Your supervisor Agent Malone and I think it would be a good idea if you attended the seminar." there is a hint of finality in her tone. She isn't going to give in, no matter what argument she tries to present.
"Okay." Samantha concedes that she can't win this one. Her tone is still calm, but the façade is difficult to uphold. Emotions threaten to rise to the surface, but she can't have that, not now. They will have to wait until she is safely out of this office.
"I'll see you then in two weeks. I think it would be a good idea if you kept a journal during the seminar, just for yourself to make notes on how you feel about the exercises. It might help you to get a more objective view." her tone is pleasant, but Samantha only hears the implication. If she needs to gain an objective view, then she's being accused of subjectivity. Her last case comes to mind as she gets up, shakes the hand of her therapist and leaves the office. She recalls the looks that Martin and Vivian gave her when she tried to get a feeling for Liane Sardo. They probably thought that she was identifying with her too much. Not that it matters now, she is going to this confidence-in-the-field seminar whether she wanted to or not. She lets out a sigh before returning to main office from where the team does most of its work.
~~~
Jack greets her with a smile when he see her. He makes a gesture for her to come over. Somehow she already has a feeling that he isn't going to tell her something about their current case. With trepidation she crosses the office, acutely aware of the rest of the team looking on. Everyone knows that she is seeing a counsellor. No one has ever said anything to her about it, but she sometimes can't help but wonder what they are thinking. After all they work with her and have to be able to rely on her a hundred percent in the field. If she isn't competent then they might end up paying the price. Seen that way her colleagues have a valid interest in her emotional ability to handle the demand of field work. According to her own assessment she is doing fine, but it seems like no one is even asking her. Her therapist and Jack already have an opinion on that. She finally reaches the other end of the room where Jack is leaning against a window.
"You can take the rest of today and tomorrow off." this is the first thing he says to her without looking at her once. She can tell that he isn't too confident in the situation either. "We can handle the case well and besides you haven't taken a personal day since you joined the team." he quickly adds as if having to give a reason for giving her time off. In fact she is interest in the reason, but she knows that she is lying. Today is Thursday, on Saturday the seminar in Quantico starts. He doesn't want her in the field for now, a voice in her heads tells her before she can shut it of. No getting paranoid now, she tells herself. Calm down and listen, you can't change it anyways and the seminar won't take forever.
"You could have mentioned this before." She says facing the window.
"Samantha, it is my responsibility to make sure that everyone on the team is a hundred percent. This is not a matter of debate. If I can't make that call alone, then I can't do my job." he tried to explain. "I would have preferred that you agree with me on this."
"It's okay." She is lying and he knows it. She is still looking out of the window.
He's playing the authority card. To his credit he has done so very rarely in the past. But now, he's doing it and it is making Sam even more angry at him. Rationally she can see his point very well, but emotionally she feels betrayed. Her therapist has asked her how she felt. She had said okay, for lack of a better word. Now, she knows exactly how she feels, she feels betrayed. It is not the seminar she is going to attend. It is the fact that Jack didn't tell her about it before. If he had, she still would have argued, but the bitterness wouldn't have been there.
She gathers her briefcase, takes her coat and puts it on. On the way out, the conversation starts replaying in her head. With the words the feelings she smothered before return with a vengeance.
Betrayal is a loaded word to use in her relationship with Jack. Technically it's not her he had betrayed. He betrayed Maria, his wife. Samantha doesn't like to think about this way, it makes things sound harsh and cruel while it was everything but that. At least while it lasted. The dinners together and everything that came after them is all in the past now. What has remained is the memory, the vulnerability that one day it might harm then and the occasional uncomfortably. Like today. It would have been different, if the decision had come from Van Doran or from anyone else for that matter. But it being Jack made it personal, it makes her feel betrayed.