My small cousin hugged me. "are you alright?""no...but it'll be OK. don't worry" i tried to smile.

suddenly i froze, HE just came through the door. and i started wondering why and mentally hitting myself for hoping. the chance that he came because of me was.. "slim to none actually" i thought.

"come Mina (small cousin), I'll show you the house" i said and we were gone, before anybody could stop them.

HE is Mark. smart, funny, exactly my type..but also my older cousin and the love of my live. i didn't mean to fall in love so fast and so hard, but i couldn't stop it. We just met after new year 10 month ago, even though he is my cousin, we didn't meet each other before.

After showing Mina around the house, we had both changed into old clothes. the renovation wasn't finished yet and i still wanted to do a bit of work. But in the room, there was my bother with him talking agitated. it looked like he was arguing why something wouldn't work. He stopped as soon as we were there.

Mina the oblivious little thing just asked right out "something wrong?"

"No! No, everything alright. just showing what we got done since the last time Mark was here" He smiled but i knew he was faking.

They were talking about her.

In January we first met, and we liked each other from the start, we became friends and we even kissed once. but in September that year he suddenly stopped calling and writing and visiting and my family started telling me to forget him. I never understood why. Now its the end of November. why is he back?

"man just tell her" my brother almost yelled. I felt faint, i knew it couldn't be good. But after so many nights waiting and crying myself to sleep, i could manage.. i thought.

"yeah, um, Sanae" he said " i know we spent some days together and you know, um , i didn't mean to.. um,lead you on? No wait that's wrong.. I mean nothing happened between us, right? I am your cousin.. it isn't right. nothing should have happened.. so just so you know.. i don't remember anything we did together. its like its a black hole every time you come into the picture.. so i don't know.. they all tell me i hurt you or something..but i just don't see when or what i did to do that.. I'm sorry.. nothing happened, yeah?"

This was worse, way worse than anything i ever imagined.. they must have spent weeks telling him that, for him to actually believe. to actually forget. "yeah..sure...nothing happened" i stuttered "no idea where you got that from, about hurting me... never happened.. somebody's wild imagination i think...Now, i don't feel that good.. I'm going up to my room.. Sorry" I left, i couldn't face it anymore.

It took Mina some time to actually do something and the first thing she did was slap my brother, than Mark."how could you.. didn't you see that this action hurt her more than anything you ever did. I'm going up to see if everything is alright." She climbed up the stairs, went to the door with my name on it and knocked, but the door wasn't closed. "Sanae? Hey Sanae can i come in?" No answer so Mina just walked in.. Nothing, the room was empty only the window was open. "Sanae?" Mina started to look frantically into the wardrobe, but nothing, everything was gone. She screamed.

Well, yes, by the time they noticed i was already gone. into my hiding place. nobody could find me there. In our garden there is this big tree, its stump ringed with bushes and behind it there is this small mountain starting. One day i looked through the bushes to find my cat (we never found her) and noticed a gap. i looked further and found a hole in the tree, even though it was dark, i decided to look further.

Inside the hole it was dirty, but big and spacy, it went further than the tree, which looked at from this side was only a kind of door to get into a cave in the mountains.

Its been years since i found that cave and every year i decorated it new and found something new in the tunnels. I never showed anyone, it was my hiding place if things got rough.

9 Month ago i made a mistake, i kissed Mark and before he knew what happened i was already fleeing and regretting everything. He did something nobody ever did.. he found me in my hiding place..

"sorry.. i know this is your spot.. and nobody else ever goes in here" he noticed where i am going when i need to flee, i wondered, why?

"its just .. i.. why.. why did you run? i need to know"

" i kissed you...why wouldn't i run?"

"cause i kinda liked it.. you didn't need to run"

i stared at him.."OK"

i know what you think.. that we kissed after that,no? But nothing happened. After that he hugged me a lot and we spoke and met in the cave. and even though i saw that he wanted to, he never kissed me again, well actually he NEVER kissed me.

but now, after the scene in the house.. he doesn't remember anything, so nobody will find me here.. but still i cannot stop the hope.. i have to do something.. so i write a little note and put it in the middle of my small table, that he build for me..

Then I'm gone. Through the tunnels and into the park, where one of the tunnels end.

The taxi brings me to the airport, where my flight to Ireland is going in 3 hours. i know what you think, where did i get the tickets.. well i booked two weeks ago.. when he left and i knew he wouldn't be back.. when my parents and my brother and my aunt and uncle started to tell me its wrong and it isn't real.. just a small girls crush, because i have never loved before..

But they didn't know and i was just so hurt that he left, that i had to leave too.. i didn't know if i would really do it so i never said anything but today.. that was the last push i needed.

so i am going to Ireland to build myself a new life.. i saved for a big vacation for 2 years.. now i have to use it for this.

I still got some contacts from my time as an aupair so it isn't hard to find a job and after that a small flat in Dublin. i still miss him and i still love him. i Don't know if this will ever end.

(break)

A small cry.. my own i notice.. "she is gone..what did i do?!" i think..

after our.. well, talk.. she went up to her room and Mina slapped us and went after her.. she came back down shaking "She is gone.. Sanae is gone.. and all her clothing.. vanished" Tom started right into action, calling everyone and starting too look for her.

I just froze, i couldn't do anything... everyone around me moved frantically, they searched and looked and shouted.. but nobody found anything, not even a letter explaining everything or saying goodbye..

it took an hour for me to finally realize she was gone. i was the reason she went away. She went away because i lied to her. i told her i don't remember anything.. that nothing happened.. even though i love her.

Everybody told me i did not love her, she was my cousin, that it would be wrong, that its just a crush, that its because she pays me so much attention, because we have fun together and because we spent too much time together. and yes i love her because she pays me attention, because we have fun together and because we spent so much time together. but i also love her for herself. her smile, her laugh, when she is sarcastic and suggestive and when she is angry and i cant not hug her when she is sad. And i love the funny way she does things, the way she just follows impulses and just the way she slips into other languages when she is stressed or relaxed or dreaming or even angry.. i just love her and now i lost her.

i have to look, nobody knows about the cave, i have to look. Inside the cave, everything is as it has always been. I look around but something is missing.. its her.

the picture is missing.. the picture of us lying under a tree in the park.. its missing, i hope she took it with her. and there on the table i build for her, a letter.

i stare at it, just one word "goodbye" and on the back in small letters, so small i can just make it out it says: "i love you" stained with tear marks. i start to cry, i can't help it. i lost her, because of them. Because of my adopted family, because of the parents that aren't my biological ones.