Without You
I wrote the first half of this immediately after reading OoP, & the second half a year later. Try & guess where the split is. Please don't take my stuff.
A dark-ish fic with SLASH insinuations
These characters are not mine (mores the pity)
Remus rocked back & forth in his darkened house. The same scene flashed in front of his eyes over & over again. Sirius's foul cousin cursing him, the soft gasp that escaped Sirius as the spell lanced through him, the way his hair gently fluttered about his face as he fell through the arch. Remus felt his heart wrench all over again as the memory of Harry's cry reverberated in his skull; the desperate cries of the boy, no, the young man Remus loved like his own blood. The look of sheer disbelief when Harry realized Sirius was really gone …
Of course, Remus knew the moment Sirius disappeared behind the veil. The knife that cut through his heart & severed consciousness could be nothing else. An all consuming numbness swept over him as shock set in. He would cry later when his heart thawed. Or what was left of his heart.
After they had given their reports to the Ministry officials, Remus slowly made his way back to his flat, located in one of seeder parts of London. He couldn't force himself to return to Grimmauld Place just yet; he had lost his mate & a raw pain was devouring his insides.
He dropped his things as soon as he crossed the threshold, collapsed on the couch & curled into a ball, sides heaving with the prelude to tears. Had there been anyone in the adjoining flat, they would have heard his heart wrenching sobs. That had been hours ago& Remus had long since cried himself out.
He moved through the flat like a ghost, touching little mementos of their life together, cradling the bottle of red wine that he had been saving for their anniversary next week, & stopped just inside the office. There, bathed in the light of the waning moon was the ornamental silver dagger Sirius had told him he was crazy to buy. James had understood though. It had always been intended for security. Tonight though, it seemed to hold all the answers.
Remus gently removed it from its place on the wall & carried it & the bottle into the bedroom & onto the bed he & Sirius had shared though, never in this place. This was the bed from their first flat together. Remus had never been able to get rid of it. He wrapped the covers tightly around himself as if they were a shield & took a hard pull from the bottle glancing at blade glinting seductively in his hand.
No one left.
Siri, I'm lost without you. Even in Azkaban you were with me; helping me. Now I'm alone, all alone; the sole survivor of a broken pack. A pack I'll now make whole.
As he brought the dagger closer to his skin, his thoughts flickered through the faces of everyone he had loved & stopped … on Harry. His hand stilled. There was still someone who needed him. The only child of his pack had all the cards stacked against him & it was up to him to make sure Harry made it to adulthood.
After a moment, the knife descended once again until the flat of the blade made contact with bare skin. No one would notice the scar among the myriad of others … but he would. This scar was a promise. To Lilly & James, to Sirius, to Harry, & most importantly, to Remus himself, that he would see this through to the end. Only then would he join them.
Gasping, he removed the blade & let it drop onto the bedside table. For Harry. For Harry he'd live.
For now.