I find it so difficult to write happy endings, perhaps I shall never know why. I think perhaps this may be the closest I shall ever come and with that said I leave it to you dear reader to determine if I have completed the task at hand. Again I must give proper thanks to the muse Mrs. Milfoy who dare I say challenged me to write my version of a happy ending. I hope I have not dissapointed. As with all my stories they belong within the realm of Severus and Narcissa and the world they call home. This story, I hope teaches that even when we say good-bye for all the right reasons sometimes, just sometimes it was the wrong thing to do. Your reviews as always feeds the flames and calls to the muse for inspiration.
Un-Thereness
I didn't love Severus the night he showed up on my door step and told me to put away my wand because he was leaving and I was going with him. It hadn't been up for discussion- it was a demand not a request. He dismissed the house elf's that remained and sent them away telling them they were free to find there own place within the world. Again he hadn't asked permission; once again he had done the only thing that could be done. That night we left under the cover of darkness without so much as a word to the rest of world, not that I was delusional enough to think anyone even cared. I was after all the shunned Malfoy widow mourning her former life entombed within a gilded cage filled with nothing but unpleasant memories. The love for the man that rescued me came much later and it was a lesson I had not anticipated and one that I still regret to this day.
Severus had survived the war as had so many that should have died on that bitter day when two worlds fought for beliefs that mattered so very much to those that warred and so very little to me. With my son and husband both dead the final days meant little more than any other day would have. By the end I had lost everything and nothing what so ever mattered in the least and all I wanted was an end to the eternal loneliness. My heart had broken so many times over the last year I doubted there remained any resemblance to that sacred place once held so vividly within my chest. In complete honesty there had been days I hadn't even sure it remembered to beat except for the fact I continued to exist and wander the halls of my gilded cage deafened and astonished by the complete silence.
So many times I had thought of taking my own life. For days I would linger within the hallways and think of ways of ending my torment but would somehow later find myself inside Draco's room and the aroma of his life would renew me for yet one more day. I was a coward and knew it; my death would mean I would never again touch his things or smell his scent which still lingered upon his pillows. My death would end my suffering but at the same time it would end the only link that still remained to the son I would never see again. Coward indeed, but for all the right reasons I supposed.
Loosing Lucius hadn't hurt near as badly. In fact I questioned my commitment and dare I say my love for the man he had become in the end. I had loved him once, once he had been the world for me but he had changed over the years and it was a journey I simply could not take with him. Over time we had grown so distant, in fact we rarely had anything to even say to the other. Most of our time was spent a part, his obsession with dominance and my commitment to our son drove a wedge between us that even a bridge could not rebuild. I do not mean to say I did not mourn his passing as I did but now I think perhaps it was simply out of habit of never being completely alone. I was after all Madame Malfoy, the mistress of the Manor and the wife to one of the most powerful men within the wizarding world. The day he died I hadn't even bothered to tell him good-bye that morning. Some days I thought obsessively over the fact for hours and it hadn't bothered me in the least but then there were other days that brought the tears and the loneliness. For in fact I had loved him once and loved him a great deal. But on the day he died I had felt nothing but casual indifference and the indifference had bred nothing but guilt and shame.
To this day I can't be sure that Severus felt anything other than an outdated sense of obligation when he took me away that night. His face had remained stoic and his voice as calming as ever. He had a way about him that brought about an end to chaos and confusion and in the state I had been in he was nothing short of a miracle. Sometimes I think now if the Devil him self had called upon me that night I might just have left with him as well. As such the Devil had not come but sent to me a man that would change my life so profoundly that had I known what was to come I might have found my voice and refused to leave out into the darkness that night by his side. I did not know then, I couldn't have known or even anticipated what that man would become to mean to me. All I knew then was that a savior had appeared and I would have followed him unto the ends of the world if only I would never have to feel the empty loneliness which had been my constant companion for so very long. By the time he arrived that night I was bruised and beaten by my own self loathing that the thought of anything at all was better than the nothing that seemed to stretch before me until I finally found the courage to finish what I should have done so long ago.
Severus had stopped that night only once during our escape and for the first time since his initial knock against my door spoke words that until this day I still remember. Taking my hand he looked more serious and concerned than perhaps I had ever seen him look before. It was then I realized how awful and weak I must have appeared and could not meet his eyes. Lifting my chin he made me a promise as only he could and I drank in every word he said.
"There is nothing left to try, there is no place left to hide. There is no greater power than the power of good-bye so say it now because we are never coming back to this world ever again. You'll not will yourself to die, I will not let you."
It was then I learned my first lesson which was how to say good-bye and turning I could see the outline of the Manor and in what was left of my bruised heart I told the bitter remains of a broken world farewell for the very last time.
Our sojourn lasted many days until finally Severus settled us atop a cliff that over looked the crashing sea and miles and miles of open sky. Had I been in a better place within my own mind I would have thought it beautiful but instead the walls made only of glass panes reminded me that freedom was just a few steps away. Just a walk beyond the garden gate was all it would have taken to find my final release and search for my Draco beyond the veil. Perhaps he sensed my thoughts, perhaps even he was reading them and had been since the moment he had appeared because without notice the doors suddenly locked one day and once again I found myself walled up within yet another beautiful but gilded cage.
In his defense I can see now why he did what he did however it brought little comfort and over the days which turned to weeks and then into months his protection began to create a chasm we had been unable to over come. I do not mean to say he kept me prisoner for he did not. Severus was a kind man, a man so much finer made than I had ever known in my life to actually exist; after all this had not been the first time he had saved me by saving those I loved so dearly. For that I would never be able to thank him enough, there were after all no adequate words to give to a man that had saved the life of a mother's only child. A simple thank-you would never, could never be enough.
There were times I caught him watching me as I stared out into the sea and it pained me to see the torment written so clearly across the features of his face. It was quite obvious there was something wrong, quite clearly the spell had been broken and despite his best efforts I refused to see my new world as anything but an extension of the old. I yearned to say good-bye to all the sadness. I wanted so desperately to look beyond the horizon and see a world of possibilities and a lifetime to spend with a man who would give anything for only my smile. I think perhaps then I realized he loved me but I hadn't been ready to admit that I loved him as well. For me love could be taken away, it could be changed into something so ugly that it no longer resembled the beautiful beginning. I had become a fortress and nothing he did seemed to be able to breech the walls and bring me back into the world of the living.
Together we stayed for years atop a cliff watching the tides ebb and flow and the sun rise and set yet through it all he stayed by my side. It was obvious then he cared and so much more than he should have. Slowly but surely I was killing him with my refusal to live and yet never once did he give up, throw his hands into the air and claim me a lost cause. Severus was as I have said, much finer made than that.
Over time I found my way into his bed; the loneliness of night brought back memories I could not purge without the security of his arms. I would find his door as always unlocked as he never made me feel I was unwelcome within his world and then slip beneath the sheets beside him and relish the feel of something of great value. I know now it wasn't right, perhaps I knew even then but the night would send me wandering the halls just as it had done before and eventually I would find myself outside his door listening for the breath of life I never found outside my Draco's room. Never once did he turn me away or tell me it wasn't what I needed, instead he allowed me to stay until eventually one night I simply sought his bed in favor of my own. I think he knew there was nothing to loose, he had tried everything he knew and if this one action could bring about any healing at all he would have offered his bed to me so much sooner.
It was easier being with Severus so much more than it had ever been with Lucius. Severus was the sort of man who only wanted only to please where as Lucius was the type of man who only demanded. Some mornings I would wake before Severus and lie still with my head against his chest and listen to the beating of his heart and count his breathing. One…two…three... and so on until he would finally wake and reassure me he had only been sleeping and that there was no cause for concern. He would assure me with words and then kisses that he would never leave and that the only way I would ever loose him was for me to say good-bye as those words would never pass his lips. He would tease I was his captive, his most valued possession locked away within a tower of glass and no one could possess me but him. It frightened me to think how much I mattered because I knew that one day I would leave and I had been terrified to think of the pain I would cause the one soul who had given so much of himself to save such a lost cause. Saint Jude him self could have done no more.
Severus told me once I was a fallen angel with broken wings and he had been charged by God above to see that I learned to fly once again and would give his life if needed to see God's will be done. Until then I hadn't realized Severus even thought of God let alone prayed as he did for I had seen him many times on his knees, his lips moving in silent litany. After witnessing his penitence I hadn't the courage to tell him I no longer believed in God or in great deeds done in his name. I had given God over to the other fallen and forgotten deities the day the earth swallowed my only child. I no longer believed in miracles, least of all ones meant for me. I never told him that, perhaps it was another thing I should have spoken aloud; perhaps it might have saved Severus the trouble of trying any longer.
We spent our days always together, Severus never wandered too far for very long from my sight. I was never quite sure which of us that particular sentiment was designed for. Did he fear his absence would give me the opportunity I often thought of or was it because he could not bare to be without me? Either way it was a sad yet oddly satisfying existence. Severus had found a way to live and love but for only as long as he could keep me alive. He should have known, perhaps he did and just refused to accept he could not keep me forever hidden away from the world living on hope alone that one day I wouldn't dream of fleeing. Of all the things I learned from Severus over those years was the one thing he feared the most, he had after all taught me the power of good-bye and now it was the one thing I wanted to say more than anything else. I loved him so and to this day still do but I could not stand to watch his suffering. My madness had taken its toll and he was day by day loosing his own sanity. There was nothing in the end I could do to save him, just as there had been nothing he could have ever done to save me. His love was not enough and what I felt for him only tormented and pained my heart to watch his suffering.
In the end there was only one thing I could do for him, one final act to thank a man that should have never been put into the position he had freely given himself over too. It had never been his obligation to save me, he took that on out of what I shall never know as I still do not think he loved me the night we fled the manor. I never asked him, not once in all those years. Perhaps I had been afraid of the answer, what if he had loved me even then? Would it have changed anything- I doubt it, so I stayed quiet and planned my escape as if the thought had never crossed my mind. This time I would need no savior; this time I was the one doing the saving. If nothing else Severus had taught me a great lesson, he taught me that pain was a lesson that something was terribly wrong and though I lived and though I loved it was not enough- not for me and certainly not for him. There was only one resolution and patiently I waited and watched for my moment until one day it finally came.
It was dark the night I left; once again the night had sheltered my escape. I had slipped from his side as he slept, taken his wand and silently shattered the wards that had for so long kept me entombed. That first step across the threshold without him by my side almost forced me back as I had not anticipated the finality of my actions and yet I did not stop. My foot steps began one before the other until finally I reached the end of the garden and for the slightest moment looked over the edge of the cliff and thought briefly of the fall and just how it might feel. I clearly remember turning and looking back towards the glass prison and it was then I saw the outline of Severus watching from above my every move and within his hand I could clearly see the letter I had left for him. He did not make to stop me, for once he allowed me to learn a lesson on my own. Looking back over the cliff's edge suddenly the fear of falling swallowed me and it had been then when I decided my death that night was not my fate after all. Once again I turned expecting to see Severus emerging from the house however he no where to be seen, he was not coming to save me after all. Looking up I realized his outline remained silhouetted behind the glass; he had made no move toward my direction. It was then I realized he had in fact taught me the most valuable lesson I should ever learn. My savior had in fact saved me in every way a person could be saved; he had taught me I needed no one, not even him. I could not imagine then or even now how painful it must have been to watch as I turned to leave the cliff's edge and slowly make my way back through the garden, bypassing the door and with one foot forcing the other forward I disappeared into the night and eventually from his sight.
I never saw him again though I can not say I do not think on him and always in the kindest of ways. I like to think he still lives atop a cliff in a house made of glass with someone by his side who will love him and care for him the way he loved and cared for me. With all my heart I owe him so very much and yet at the same time I fear I hurt him more than he ever deserved. Severus was after all the very finest of men and in my letter I had told him just that. He was my teacher and I his pupil and he had taught his lesson all to well. Perhaps I think it had always been his intention to one day watch me leave or at least I hope it had been as I would hate to think of him sad and alone. I think of him often as I wander the hallways at night forever listening for the sound of his breathing. I loved him so much and learned so much that I could only thank him by leaving and hoping he would one day finally find what he so deserved in the world. Severus showed me so many things but most of all he taught me to say good-bye without guilt, to say good-bye without any regret and finally how to say good-bye with hope within my heart.