Like Clockwork

I couldn't think of a summary...so my bad.

It's after shift and I'm rushing home to change my clothes into my jogger's suit.

My black cap is pulled down below my ears to hide the color of my hair. I don't to be recognized, not now not ever.

The drive to the park seemed like hours even though it's only fifteen minutes away.

I circle the parking lot to make sure I don't see any cars I recognize. Then I get out.

I go on the trail and slowly brisk walk to get my heart pumping then I pick up the pace to a jog.

Now I can feel the perspiration building on my forehead and slowly making it's way down to my chest.

Minutes later I check my watch and see I've got a few minutes before I head off to my spot. That's what I call it: My spot.

Then I slow down to a walk and take a short cut through some trees. Looking around making sure I'm by myself.

I take a deep breath when I hit my spot.

And I wait quietly. Safely hidden behind the big old oak tree.

This has been going on for months and I'm still trying understand what is happening to me.

Of all the people in earth why is it that you're slowly getting under my skin? Why you?

Why is it you that I'm constantly thinking of? Constantly dreaming of?

Why do I long to hold and kiss you? Tell you what I feel?

But everytime you're infront of me I end up trying to hate you. So we argue, disagree, humiliate and insult each other.

I've seen my words hurt you. I've seen the look in your eyes asking what exactly have you done to deserve this.

We're coworkers who can never be friends. We can work side by side professionally but never get personal.

Because I draw the line.

I so much want to know more about you. Be with you. I wish we could sit down and talk about anything. Maybe about the possibility of a you and I.

Sometimes when I'm alone I close my eyes and imagine I'm watching you sleep. See your chest rise and fall rhythmically with every breath you take. I would feel contented to be beside you, laying next to you. My arms draped around you.

And then I imagine that when I wake up it's your face I see. And I'd feel happy.

Yes, I've always thought of me and you together. I know I'm falling in love with you.

But still I draw the line. Afraid of letting myself be shown.

And it hurts.

I check my watch and I know it's nearing.

I'm well rested now but yet I feel my heart pick up it's pace. My breathing deepens as the seconds go by.

I know what's going to happen but yet I feel like a school girl seeing her crush in the hallway. I know it's stupid.

But then there you are again. Same time everyday like clockwork.

From a distance I can see you're wearing grey shorts with your favorite dark blue sweat shirt. Your hair is pony tailed up.

You slow your pace as you near the park bench. Then you stop and drink from the water bottle that you hold on to when you jog.

You wipe your brow with the sleeve of your shirt. You take a couple of deep breaths to get your rhythm in place.

Then two fingers check you pulse. And you smile to yourself, satisfied at your accomplishment.

You turn around and slowly jog back to the same path you've taken.

And I come out when you're completely gone. I slowly make my way to my car.

I feel the tears well up.

And I start again to hate myself for feeling this way. For watching you, wanting you, needing you.

Yes, Sara. I hate myself for loving you. Tonight I'll find reasons to try to hate you again.

But then I'll be back here tomorrow morning. Same time, same place ...like clockwork. Waiting for you, watching you.

Loving you from a distance.

R and R please...