Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda.
First things first. If you didn't get this from the summary...
This is a oneshot crackfic that is not to be taken seriously because it is a JOKE.
Why did this come into existence, you ask? Good question.
A forum of which I am a member has a thread called "Weird Pairings", which consists of members naming any person (or thing) and pairing it with another person (or thing). Or maybe two other persons. Or three. We've seen some weird "pairings" throughout the thread's history...
Credit goes to Lady Of The Semicolons for coming up with this threesome and allowing me to make this oneshot about it.
And don't worry no weird crazy crap happens. This is safely rated T, but with some hints.
Love in a Dungeon
Dungeon Map loved Compass with all of its heart. It loved the way it could wrap itself entirely around Compass and feel as if their two distinct forms were one, if even for a short while. Compass, in turn, liked lying on top of the Dungeon Map for hours, jokingly calling itself a paperweight. The two would often spend much time together in their vast Dungeon, their personal realm, observing the beasts guarding their halls with a kind of pride, going on long rolls together down the hallways, simply cuddling together on remote shelves and stones, Dungeon Map staring straight into the center of Compass, north and all the treasure chests long forgotten, Compass gazing deeply back at Dungeon map, reading its cryptic runes with wonderment and perfect understanding, never failing to be amazed at each others' intricacies.
But alas, one day a man of the desert invaded their personal palace, and came upon the two as they copulated. Dungeon Map had just managed to slip one of the corners of its form underneath the clear glass of Compass when the giant man strode into the room. Dungeon Map had nearly released whole poems into Compass with rustlings and crinkles of ecstasy when the door slammed open and monsters parted, squawking, knowing it futile to defy the Gerudo King. In a fit of extreme mortification, Compass' needle began spinning wildly around and around, and Dungeon Map retreated so quickly, despite the corner of the page still having a crease.
Ganondorf came upon them then, sitting guiltily next to each other on what they had assumed to be an out-of-the-way outcropping of the walls, and with a grin he scooped them up.
Then they met Big Key.
It came with several slutty Small Keys in tow, giggling about it and caressing the firm iron metal lightly, mocking innocence. They clanged against one another loudly, unable to keep their hands off it much less each other. While Dungeon Map and Compass did not appreciate Big Key's little harem, neither could deny the utter infatuation with the intricate metalwork, the enigmatic patterns of the very, very large bit, the shimmering colors in the beautiful gem embedded in its bow. Dungeon Map felt itself begin to crumple and fold in on itself, the Compass its needle spinning wildly, amazed by Big Key.
And Big Key also grew interested in the simple but graceful designs of Compass and the priceless treasure within Dungeon Map. Its numerous small keys, while certainly beautiful in their own way, could not hold a candle to the rarities of Dungeon Map and Compass.
In that instant, Big Key, Dungeon Map, and Compass all fell in love.
And in that instant, Ganondorf scattered them to lonely velvet-cushioned treasure chests all around their expansive dungeon.
The three grew miserable in these much smaller prisons, all alone and in complete silence and darkness, from which they had no escape. Though the cushions were quite comfy, Big Key would rather lay slumped comfortably over Compass with Dungeon Map draping itself on top of it than be alone in this small corner of hell. Heck, it would ever take one of those skanky but tiring small keys over the oppressive solitude of the chest.
For Dungeon Map and Compass, it was in a way worse, because they had been together from the very beginning, always by each others' side. Compass mourned for Dungeon Map just as Dungeon Map grieved for Compass, and both wasted days away in the most complete misery inside their respective chests, cursing the man who took them away and wishing for that moment with Big Key again.
How long they spent in the prisons of chest and mind, none of them knew. It seemed like an eternity passed, and the end of the rope near, when all of a sudden the world flooded with light, and overhead, clothed in a rich green, appeared a hero.
Compass and Dungeon Map waited with bated breath as their Hero fought off swarms of their monsters, torn between wishing their Hero to triumph or their guards to survive. Eventually the Hero overcame the beasts and sprinted over to an ornate chest, the fanciest of all. Dungeon Map, Compass, and the small keys could not see what he lifted out of the depths from their vantage point in his physics-defying pouch, but suddenly they were overcome with euphoria as the gentle gloved hand of the Hero lowered Big Key into the pouch with them.
The small keys and Dungeon Map all rushed for Big Key, but Compass hung back, hurt and a little jealous as Dungeon Map threw itself over Big Key, the small keys fawning over it. Spurned, Compass turned away from the little gathering.
After a moment, Dungeon Map noticed that his true love had not joined it and Big Key in rejoicing that the three of them could be together now. Dungeon Map turned to Big Key, soaking up the attention of the small keys. At Dungeon Map's irritated prompting, Big Key shooed its whorish harem and went over to Compass with Dungeon Map.
Compass continued to ignore its two lovers questions as to what was wrong until finally it broke down, weeping that the two didn't love it anymore. Why should they, when they had those little skanks -Compass indicated the small keys having an orgy in another part of the pouch- to love instead of Compass? Overcome with the ridiculously mushy emotion of undying, faithful love, Dungeon Map quickly wrapped itself around Compass in an embrace, Big Key joining it, reassuring Compass that no cheap, common small key would ever replace their love for Compass.
Compass observed them with hopeful cardinal directions as Dungeon Map's runes and Big Key's gem stared reassuringly back, and Compass wept openly into Dungeon Map's page and Big Key's metal, joyful with relief.
Together, they remained in the Hero's bag for the rest of their days, and had many small children together. They could give directions, point the way to objects and identify them without ever having seen them before, and get past certain obstacles. Their pride and joy they named Navi.
And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
The "bow" of a key is like the handle, and the "bit" is the part with the crazy teeth and everything.
Compass is like a PMS-ing girl, haha. What a love story...