A one-shot that focuses on Kira's state of mind after SEED. Inspired by Feeder's 'Bitter Glass'
Summary: As Kira muses on how he feels rejected by the peace after the war, Cagalli gives him a peace of her mind.
Bitter Glass
The thought of never knowing…
As the gentle wind ruffled his russet hair and Kira fixed his ever-searching gaze on the shard shaped beginnings of the red sunset, this one notion plagued his thoughts.
He sighed as he breathed in the now familiar aroma of salt mixed with sand and leaned on the railings of the porch of Rev. Malcio's place. This was his home now.
'Home?' he thought as the light around him was suffused with a red glowing tint from the sunset.
The thought of never knowing when you were going to die. There was peace in the world, both on Earth and in space, but that did nothing to ease the growing anxieties that rose swiftly within him.
'I don't belong here. I can't live in this peace after all the things I've done…'
He was nothing but a brittle element; someone who was unstable and could waste away at the touch of a light breeze.
'I don't deserve to live…'
Kira couldn't understand how he had survived. It was mysterious how he was still eating and sleeping, and not sleeping forever. He felt as if this new world of fragile peace was not a place for someone like him.
'Why am I here?'
His lavender coloured eyes searched the sunset again, which was now a deep red colour. A solitary colour reminded him of her.
"Fllay…" he whispered.
The creaking of the wooden floor of the porch melted his thoughts away and he turned his gaze to see Cagalli silently observing him. He felt the corners of his mouth turn up slightly into a smile at seeing his twin sister, but it did nothing to quell the bitter thoughts inside of him.
Kira felt that it was nice to talk to Cagalli and hear all the happenings of his friends after not seeing her for a long while. She seemed quite overworked, but happy. He asked small questions, his mind still on previous thoughts and she seemed to notice that his concentration was not locked onto listening to her.
"Kira? Are you okay?"
Her voice was mellow like the sheen on glass, her hand coming to lightly rest on the shoulder closest to her. Her autumn eyes were serene but questioning.
Kira half-heartedly sighed before looking towards the red of the horizon.
She spoke again, "It's only been six months since the end of the war and a lot of us are still carrying its burdens. You've been distant during this time and I can understand that, Kira, but…"
"Cagalli," he spoke, his voice wavering slightly, "Don't worry, okay?"
She leaned over the railing of the porch to peer at his closed face, "I know I can't always be here to help you, but I do concern myself with you. Lacus is trying her best to guide you through and we…"
"You don't understand."
His voice was quite wavered with a sense of irritation. He shook her hand from his shoulder and moved back, fisting his fingers, "I don't belong here, Cagalli. I can't live in this peace after all the things I've done. I…I've got nothing to live for…I…"
His voice tailed off, the tone easing. The churning sea and the high-pitched screech of the seagulls overtook the silence between the siblings.
Cagalli furrowed her brows stepping closer towards him, "Kira, I know you are pained but you helped so many people. What you did was for them and for the people you cared about. You are the person who deserves this peace more than any of us."
"Cagalli, this peace…I've got nothing to live for…"
She sighed bleakly, "What about us?"
"Peace is not for a tainted person like me. I feel as if this is all a dream and…"
"Fine." Kira looked to his twin's face, her eyes quite fiery and her face set in determination.
She carried on, her voice firm, "What are you saying 'you've got nothing to live for'?"
Kira furrowed his brows as she took a step back, "Cagalli…"
She turned her head away and spoke, "So you don't have us then. You still think that you can end your life so easily? You're tired and you're broken: you just can't free yourself!"
Kira breathed in deeply at her abrasive words. She sighed and their eyes locked, her eyes calmer and sincere; her voice relaxed and warm, "What are you saying, little brother? It's just the thought of rejection that's pulling you deeper and you just can't be yourself because of it. The peace…it won't reject you, so don't be afraid of that and don't make it seem that you're a tainted person for an excuse."
He turned away to once again lean against the railing of the porch, sorrow etched into his face. Cagalli joined him, her gaze fixed onto the sand and the sea that overlapped its edges every few seconds.
"We're all tainted in some way, Kira, but you are not any different from me or Athrun or Lacus. You're such a good person: your voluntary loving, your kindness and your genuine apologies. It all comes back around again."
He sighed and she continued, "All the broken words you've spoken and buried in the sand and all the fragments of reasons you've made up, it's just the taste of bitter glass, the taste of sand, in your mouth.
"The sand stays there and grits at your teeth, annoying the hell out of you unless you do something like washing your mouth out. And when you do that, it's all gone and you can be normal again."
Kira looked to Cagalli, wanting to say something, but not sure what. She smiled, "Don't let it get to you Kira. We're all here for you."
He sighed and smiled a real smile, "I guess I was being selfish…it's just hard to move on Cagalli…"
"I know. That taste of bitter glass gets everywhere."
Time passed and she left as the last part of the orange sun disappeared behind the widespread horizon.
He felt a presence beside him and smiled as Lacus joined him as they walked down the beach together, at peace with the night, the bitter glass firmly under their toes.
Please review! I read them all! Hope the characters are not too OOC! Check out my otherGundam SEEDfanfics too!