Out of Reach
As Raven lay unconscious on the hospital bed some unlikely people come to visit her - one of them is everyone's favorite soccer snob. But he doesn't come with mean words, he comes with a confession that he could never again say to her face.
It was a Monday when I heard about the accident. I was sitting in my third period Biology class right behind the two biggest gossips of the school. They were whispering about how some low-life at the school was in the hospital. It was my senior year and I probably should not have cared about some loner being in the hospital, but against my better judgment I asked them who it was. They turned around with startled faces and the one with dark hair and pretty green eyes answered me.
"Raven Madison."
My eyebrows furrowed and I thought back to second period gym class. I never distinctly remembered her being there and I must have pushed it aside, thinking that she had to have skipped since it was the day we were going to have to run a timed mile. I remember looking around for her once I finished in second, but had shrugged when I didn't see her converse amongst the flock of tennis shoes.
I asked the girl what had happened to Raven. She looked at her friend who had dishwater blonde hair and brightly made-up nails. The blonde turned to me and told me about how she had gotten into a hunting accident; there were two holes in her arm where someone had shot her with a bow. She went on to say that the hunter had deadly accuracy and how she was bleeding steadily when they struck a big vein. By the time someone found her it was almost too late – she was unconscious and had loss massive amounts of blood.
I thanked the girls just before they turned back around. Then I sat back in my seat, shocked and startled. Why would Raven be in the woods where unspeakable creatures stalk for prey? Maybe she was visiting the cemetery like she had so many times before and just got side tracked... Someone could have lured her, someone like that Alexander Sterling. They have been going out for a couple years and it stung. It was not fair how he came and lived in the mansion and got the girl in the process. How could they have known I've been pining after her since day one? That was easily answered: It was because I had never mustered enough confidence or courage to walk up to that sarcastic bitch and tell her how much I thought about her and how desperately I wanted to go on one date with her. But now it may be too late.
The thought made me sick. Everyone knows that each person has their own time to pass, but sometimes people are robbed. Sometimes people have their lives stolen so forcefully and so quickly that it strikes fear throughout people like the thought of her dying was doing to me. I would not be able to handle it if she went right under my nose again – I would not be able to live with myself if that ever happened.
The next few periods went on in a daze. I didn't retain anything and I stared glassy-eyed at the clock as I slowly waited for time to pass. Even during lunch I barley touched my food. I listened to the horrible sobs coming from Becky's mouth and I willed myself to not do the same. Because I wanted to cry so fucking bad, but if I did there would be no one to console me. I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year and my only true friend is currently holding his long-time love and drying away her tears. I wanted to be like Matt so bad for so long; he was always the lucky one out of both of us. He was the one with the functional family. He was the one that got along with everybody. He was the one who has the perfect girlfriend. He was the one person that truly ever accepted me as a friend and stuck by my side. He was the only person I could ever look up to.
I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I knew I had to get out of there before more started coming. I left my tray there, but took my backpack with me. I walked away from our spot in the court yard to the front side of the school where my BMW was parked. I threw my backpack into the passenger seat before going around and putting my key into the ignition. I started up the car and slowly backed out of my spot right in front of the entrance to the school. Instead of speeding away like I usually did, that day I went home lethargically, taking as much time as I could to get from one form of hell to another.
About a half of an hour later I pulled into my driveway. It took five minutes alone to get up that, it was long and I guess my parents just wanted to be that much further from society. They were never very social people, they only went to the Country Club once a week and even then it was to stick up their noses and act all high and mighty. They never held parties or had any of our relatives visit which made all of our extra rooms seem rather irrelevant to our lifestyle. Some times I wished that we had sold this overly-extravagant house and had actually gotten a two-story house out in the suburbs. But if my parents ever thought about doing that I would die of shock, and at the moment that did not sound like such a bad idea.
Once I got inside Manuel gave me a quizzical look before returning to the kitchen. I called after him and told him that I came home sick and that my parents already knew. This was certainly a lie, but my parents wouldn't care if I even came back home or if my education was complete. All they care about is if I go off to a finance school so I can carry on the 'family business.' Sometimes I thought about going off to college to become a dancer (as in ballet) just so they would have to acknowledge me in a new light. Plus, I got to see lots of girls in spandex if I thought about joining. I quickly pushed away thoughts of other girls that were so meaningless and irrelevant that it was almost sad how I objectified them.
I laid down on my bed and thought about how maybe that's why Raven never went out with me or gave me a chance because she figured me out before anyone else did and played with me accordingly. She used me as a form of entertainment because she knew how vulnerable I was when it came to affection and relationships. And even though she used my weaknesses against me I still found some way to forgive her... to thank her... to love her.
I began to cry. The tears brimmed and as quick as a flash flood, covered my face. They rolled every which way and they didn't stop. It was as though years and years of hurt and solitude and longing had finally caught up to me and were just laughing at me and my mistakes. A huge sob racked my body, causing my heart to lurch at the thought of her possibly leaving this earth forever. I ached for her in more ways than one, she might have been bodacious, but she had soul and she had a wit about her that was so unlike anyone I had ever met before. I don't know how whipped I would be if it weren't for her.
After a while the sobs stopped, but my eyes were red and puffy and they needed rest. I rolled onto my stomach and thought only of Raven. I dreamed about her cropped, pure black hair that was soft and always smelled of coconuts. I thought of her usual black attire; all of the fishnet stockings and short, ruffled skirts and the ripped tee shirts portraying creepy movies and characters. I thought of her cute hair accessories and I thought of her polished nails. I dreamed about her cute button nose and the adorable way that her black lips popped out when something didn't go her way. I thought about the one time she gave me a genuine smile and how much joy it made bubble in my chest, even now.
I remember waking up slowly, blinking a lot and feeling like I was in a depressing daze. There was a comforting darkness about the room and I wasn't for sure why. I twisted my view over to my soccer alarm clock, wishing at the moment that the designers could have picked out something more... goth. Nonetheless, I read the time.
1:18 A.M.
I was about to roll over and fall asleep only to dream of her when a brilliant idea came to me. Instead of bottling up my emotions like I always do, I could go over there and tell her how much I want her, how much I need her, how much it kills me to see her with that freakzoid.
I sniffled a little before I walked back down the stairs and out through the door. My parents don't care if I got out in the middle of the night, all they care about is that I don't put a dent in their 150,000 dollar baby while I'm out. With that being said it made it rather easy to drive down the deserted streets of Lawrence. It was eerily quiet, like the whole world had gone still and as if no noise could be heard but the low rumble of the BMW and the slow deterioration of my heart. It was crumbling and I knew I wasn't going to go much longer without crying.
My bottom lip quivered as I pulled into the empty parking lot of the general hospital chain. I remember taking so many girls here to mess around that it just made me sick and even more fucked up inside. My stomach gurgled and my gut instinct told me to run and never see her in this building again. But if I did that and I did run, I know I would regret it and it would only prove her right about how I'm not a man and how much of a wuss I am. Isn't that the reason why I am here at 1:30 in the morning? To prove myself to my girl.
"Raven Madison."
I told the name in panted breaths to the woman behind the desk. She looked at me with old, weary eyes and I gave her my most desperate look I could muster. She sighed and told me the room number, the softness in her voice comforted me in some way and in others it made me want to cry even more. She was the first woman, or person really, to use a gentle voice with me since I was four years old. In grade school I was constantly yelled at by staff about my behavior. But I only did that stuff so my parents would pay attention to me at the dinner table and actually ask me questions about my day. It's pathetic, but unfortunately it's true.
Next thing I know, amongst my thoughts, I was at the door to her room with conflicted emotions and nerves racking my entire body. I knocked timidly on the door and when there was no immediate response I slowly opened the heavy wooden door and slunk by. The room was dead silent and it caused the atmosphere of the room to become unbalanced once I entered as nervous and scared shitless as I was. Raven was the only girl who made me like this – call it love, call it weird, but I would prefer to refer to it as teenage hormones.
But just seeing her lying in the bed like she was totally made that last line complete bullshit. She was wrapped in hospital clothing and the excessive eyeliner an black lips stick was washed from her face. Her hair hung low in front of her eyes that were closed lightly and had little blue veins going all of her eye lids. The polish was still on her nails, but she looked incredibly pale despite her usual contrast was missing. Maybe it was from the loss of blood or maybe it was from the loss of life of going through this experience. Either way, she looked sick and even though she wasn't fully back to being her normal self, at least she won't interrupt me when I'm talking.
I smiled at the thought and I gripped her hand lightly. It lay limp and it had a slow but steady pulse moving through it. I looked down and tears welled up as I squeezed her hand, hoping that she would open her eyes, smile, and squeeze back. But she didn't and I took that as my cue.
"Hey Raven," I mumbled awkwardly, just wanting to get something out. "It's uhm, me Trevor Mitchell. You know, your lifelong nemesis? You may think it's weird to be here in your room, holding your hand, and crying but it's only because I'm too much of a coward to say this stuff to your conscious self. Most of that is just because I'm afraid of being rejected by the one person in the world that makes my day and I'm afraid that you won't reciprocate the feelings that I have for you." I took a deep breath before trudging on, "And the thing is that I lo- like you, a lot. You have a certain care free spirit that I have never seen in anyone before and it makes you fun to talk to and to tease and to just be in the same building with. That's why it is so fucking hard to not take you by the hips and kiss you with the passion that is boiling and churning throughout my body. If I did that you would never look at me again and you would leave me and I just c-can't have that again! You mean so much to me that it kills me to see you with Alexander. Every prom, every homecoming, every damn bake sale I have to see his arm around your waist and that smile on your face that you never use around me. At times I want to be him so bad that it hurts, and I can't bare to see you with a guy that wouldn't be at your side in the hospital every chance he got."
I looked around a bit before frowning and continuing, "In fact, I don't think anyone has seen him in a few days. I mean, it's not like he comes out a lot, but the Mercedes has been absent from the driveway. It takes a real asshole to just do something like that. I can't believe you're with him instead of me. But then again you always had a peculiar taste, which isn't really a bad thing... until now. That thing, whatever it was, got your neck and almost made you die." I took another shaky breath, willing myself to calm down, and moved my other hand to caress her face. It was soft and yet it emitted this small ray of warmth. I smiled a little and continued on. "You're so beautiful Raven, even without all that make-up you wear. I still can't see why you always hide behind it. You could totally flourish and become something even more special without stuff like reputations and rips in your clothing holding you back. You just like being different too much to even think about other people."
I then looked closely at her face, smiling softly. Her hair laid in a bundled mess except where someone had obviously took the time to brush aside parts of it. Her lashes were long and delicate – much like her pale legs that were outlined in the thin hospital sheets. I let my fingers skip across the smooth skin of her cheek and took in her scent as if she was mine and only mine. I inhaled deeply before opening my mouth and saying her name so gently, so full of raw emotion that my insides went weak and I almost collapsed onto her with tears. But something stopped me dead in my tracks – it was Raven.
She did not wake up or anything spontaneous and miraculous like that , but her lips partially separated and she let out a slow breath that also had some mumbled words. I kept still and I heard the slow, painful word repeated three times over:
"Alex-x."
My chest went hollow and I felt as though someone sent a soccer ball flying straight into my gut at full force. I quickly snatched my hands away from her and pulled them in close to me. I scraped out of the chair, my heart and head pounding simultaneously to the beat of an unevenly rhythmic song. I staggered to the door and took my last glance back and what I saw was truly heartbreaking. A barely there smile was on her parted lips and the most beautiful person I have ever seen was out of reach.
Just like always...
(A/N: Hey, guy I'm not dead, but I am sick though. I came up with this one-shot a little while ago, heart-tugging, no? I'm about halfway done with the next chapter of "The Change Within" I'll see if I can pop that out by tomorrow. If not, we'll see. I'll be on Spring Break soon so I'll have time to update my stories if I'm not too busy running around Florida... Don't forget to review and thank you all so much for your support and kindness :))