A/N: Thank you for reading this.
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IMPORTANT: !Very triggering and death!
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The car smashes into the wall, high impact, shattering noise, resonating. Glass from the windshield cracking loudly, all the windows spiders, cracks. My body lurches, a cough in surprise; gaming system hitting something sharp.
All in a short of a second splint.
I gasp, opening my eyes.
Everything and yet something happened all in a span of five mid-air seconds, spinning, crashing then sudden stillness. Around me is blood, mine? Around me is a haze. I try and peer, seeing the gory scene to my left. A mid-scream catches my throat as I stare as her. I'm shaking.
At the body, is she-? Blood can only circulate in the body so much, too much lost and you lose everything.
"Mom." I ask quietly.
A question to air, settling in the dim daylight.
Her delicate neck, twisted at an odd angle, eyes, milky white, the blood a thin blanket on her skin. The blood is glinting a bit under the cracked, smashed, windshield. I am horrified and my neck hurts as if was my own that got twisted.
I breath and clear my throat, body check myself. I move all my limbs, my hands are moving still, shaking because of everything. I can't move my legs and obviously I am stuck in the ruined car; I wince as I move my right arm. My head just plainly hurts and I wonder if there could be any blood on it. I don't check it.
I stare straight on ahead, breath. My eyes are half-lidded and I'm swimming in reality, trying to grasp it. Somewhere along the way I don't know if I'm trembling anymore. The blood...all over from her, it felt warm, splattered unevenly on my cheeks, on my clothes. I think I am going to be sick the moment I realize my world crashing down on me, the gore, the terror, all enveloped inside me in the car, sitting calmly, ready to scream at any second. I am conscious; ready to pass out from the trauma, pass out from the sight.
My body begins to question why am I not running and the fact is that I can't. It has been mere seconds since it all and my senses snap into place. I hear voices, calling, "Is anyone there?"
I hear voices, screaming, "Is anyone there?"
"Get some help-NOW!"
"Call 911 Shirro." then a small slap of something hitting the ground, a curse of 'damn it' then people trying to get close to the car, attempting to peer in.
"Hello?"
This all happens in under a minute and my eyes feel so drawn down, ready to shut down and never be booted again. But I know my system isn't that corrupt to shut down, it just is really damaged. A major reboot. Too much, too tired.
Ten, twenty grueling minutes of staying half awake, voices overlapping outside, sirens far away then close, more voices. I'm done and I don't want to do this anymore.
Against conserving energy I call out, "I'm here."
Hushed voices, then a "Hello?!" More eager than the other times.
"I'M HERE." I try and shout.
Just anyone. They are willing to save me. I am willing to be saved, I am going to get saved. I close my eyes and let it all pour, my mother's dead body next to me, the groceries in the back, and the large pothole mixed with a small animal jetting out into the middle of the road. My body hushes me to sleep and I am not sure how much time passes by.
The next moment I hear a scream and twisting metal. My mom is screaming, my eyes shoot open but no. She can't scream anymore. Another lady was screaming, at my mom. Daylight is pouring in and I squint, coughing at something that was kicked up. Not my mom yelling out I try and tell myself. She can't any more. I see people crowded around in uniforms, close my eyes again. Oh right. Saved.
Police sirens echoing, shouting, directions are given, paramedics. All this is mushed, I feel a hand on my shoulder, on my neck and I mutter, "Go away it's the weekend."
"He's alive." A harsh feminine voice, "It's Tuesday honey."
"No." I slur and let my head roll to one side, my yellow hair covers one of my eyes as strong arms pick me up. They must of moved the thing that was making my legs not move or did I hit my legs so hard that I couldn't walk. Though I should be panicking I barely register this and moan lightly in pain.
I barely open my eyes to see a dark-skinned woman carrying me, hair pulled into a bun. An angel to rescuing my life and my doom to living out my life.
It's Tuesday and my body can't handle this. It can barely handle volleyball, my brain racing ahead, faster; always moving. I know I got in a car crash, I know my mom is dead, the car is wrecked. I don't know what it looks like on the outside but on the inside it's chaotic.
"Tuesday." I whisper and let myself slip face-first into sleep.
One moment I am sleeping, the next I experience a familiar sensation.
My eyes open and a daunting sunburst turns into a grey haze. A person shaped into a figure I have known since young stands close to me. A grin spreads across his face, eyes crinkling and getting teary, I know him but I don't understand. White walls are behind him, it is grey outside, springtime is such a dreary season. My neck hurts, my face hurts, my legs hurt, and my arm hurts.
My brain hurts, and I stare at him for a moment, responding, "Is it Tuesday?-how are you doing? MY LEGS-" I shout at the end, wide-eyed.
A greeting and a question...and incoherence. My brain wracks at how I couldn't think of anything and frowns for a second. I'm trying to catch up. I reflect quickly move both my legs.
I let out a pent up breath and look at my visitor.
The first thought to cross my mind: His hair looks messier than usual and my muscles hurt like they haven't been moved in weeks. On top of those thoughts is the quick but slow processed, what the hell am I doing here statement.
The tension goes out of Kuroo and he answers, "No its Thursday and I am doing really well." pauses then adds, "I need to call the nurses but I love you so much."
I blink.
I'm confused, "Thank you."
He pats my hand and I pat him back, noticing my hospital bracelet. He leaves the room quickly. I can't help but feel a little hurt.
Onto the next order of business, I try and move my limbs, my legs feel less sore and my stomach feels empty. I wiggle to move my arms next and the right one is searing in pain. I can't help but notice my head is wrapped in a bandage and I close my eyes once more, wanting to sleep for one thousand Saturdays.
"Kenma." I open my eyes, minutes probably have passed.
A toned doctor, brown in skin, brown hair, and black glasses on his face. His clothes hang loosely on him. He has a slight cockney accent when he said my name.
When he speaks again his accent is more pronounced, "How are you feeling today?"
I let my eyes drift away from him and around the room. Kuroo left. My mouth stays still and I try and think some words, like shit. My life is horrible now. Why was I talking to my Mom about going to the store, was it my fault? How does Kuroo care about me this much, will he still care once he knows what I done?
"Fine." I respond, not wanting to continue.
My shyness has disappeared and has been replaced with dull medication and the harshness of reality.
"Okay." He nods, "Can I check your pulse?"
I stare at him and he proceeds anyway.
After checking my pulse he asks, "Does anything hurt?"
"Yes." I answer, "My head, arm, and everything."
He chuckles lightly, "Okay, thank you."
He writes something down on his clipboard, does another test, checks the IV that I now notice is hooked up to me and he leaves the room silently. Like a ghost.
I am cooperative and tired, a right mix of okayness and grouchiness. My life has been turned upside down, blood seeming to cover everything. My mom, me, and now my life.
We were just going to a store, an everyday event gone bad by a cat, ironically the mascot of the volleyball team I play on at school. I will probably be able to play volleyball again, get discharged in about a week, cry a lot, and just go on with my life with my mom-
I sigh at myself, fine with this mood change, oh yea.
Dad. The one who works too much and enjoys wine a little too much. Also the one who prompted me to go play outside more as a kid and I met my neighbor, Kuroo because of this. I don't blame him for anything and he is a really good parent. He just is too overbearing on the aspects of my life.
My mom is just fun but she had bad qualities about her too. Like yelling and fussing if the house wasn't clean and eating weird food combinations and over all just prying and wondering what was happening in my life. I love her.
Loved-
Love?
She is dead now, the white and red bone showing me this on Tuesday.
I don't cry but sit numbly in the hospital bed, wondering when the doctor or Kuroo was going to come back. Needily I craved Kuroo, his presence setting me at ease and in a good mood. I probably need to get a thousand more tests done and need to be in better spirits.
What I'm trying telling myself about this is that none of it is my fault.
A tray is set on my lap heavily and I open my eyes. Why can't I just sleep? I force my eyes open and sit up suddenly, ready to snap at the person who woke me.
I stop, my mouth hanging open, I close it.
"Hi...Dad...Kuroo." Dad was the one who set the tray on my bed blanket.
My head feels like its swimming and the food smells really good.
"Hey." Dad responds, and Kuroo with, "Hi loser."
I laugh through my nose, an airy breath and a smile on my face.
"Can I have this?" I gesture towards the fruit, sandwich, chips, and water.
"Go ahead buddy." My Dad; open-palmed, grins widely.
Kuro adds, "Pal."
The bite I was chewing almost comes back out, instead I covered my mouth with my hand and laughed, eyes closed with happiness. Man I hated him so much, and yet. Felt good.
A natural feeling around him.
Kuroo shuffles past my Dad and sits on a chair next to my bedside.
My Dad uncomfortably sits next to Kuroo, and them in the same room seemed impossible lifetimes ago.
I breath out, teary eyed, and swallow. A grin, and a sound thank you to both my Dad and friend; I wipe my eyes ignoring the incident, and dig in to lunch. Something seems up, but I munch happily and laugh at all the jokes the two keep coming up with on the spot.
The conversation held with my Dad and Kuroo was awkward, but my Dad was happy and accepting of anything up at the end.
"Hey I gotta go to work" My dad gets up and points to his phone, "Call me if you need anything-miss you already, rockstar." He waves me goodbye and leaves the room quickly.
"Okay." I push away the empty tray from my lap, and sit in the bed, I feel more awake, the food already giving me energy.
"So do you want to know what day it is Kozume?" Kuro asks lightly, a Cheshire grin in his face.
He catches me off-guard with the name but I laugh and answer, "Sure."
"Friday." He answers.
"I've been-what?"
"You were out for two days straight and then slept a whole another day, the doctors talked to me even though I am not your family and they told me you were going to be fine in two weeks."
"Ah." I nod, I thought it was going to be less.
He sees the disappointment on my face and decides to say, "I'm sorry this happened to you."
It hits me like a truck, or a cement wall like the car did.
"Yea." I sniffle, "I don't know-it all was just too quick one moment of me blurting something then the car was spinning then her."
I stop suddenly, shaking my head, letting tears well up.
"Come on." He moves the lunch tray aside, and tries to soothe me with, "It's not your fault."
"IT was!" I insist, the tears freely running, "If I would of kept my mouth shut, she wouldn't of been distracted."
"Did you pull the wheel of the car to make it spin?"
I shake my head.
"Did you intentionally yell, "I want us to get into a crash?"" He presses.
It hurts, and I wipe my eyes, shaking 'no' again.
"Did you want her to die?"
I shake my head hardly, and he envelops me in a hug, "Then it is not your fault by any means, it is just the events that happened. Like me missing school today just to be with you all day, you know I care about you."
This time I shake my head yes and he hugs me tighter.
Someone clears their throat and Kuroo turns around and we both look at a police officer standing in the doorway, looking slightly confused but already in charge.
The woman took my statement, and Kuroo was once again sitting next to my bedside, talking about what I missed in school.
There was a box of things they retrieved from the car crash next to my hospital bed, and I gazed lazily through it, not wanting to look at my broken console.
Kuroo suddenly stops talking about school, getting that I am not interested and prompts, "We can get you a new one."
"Sure." I nod, but I even know I am not fully in the conversation.
When would the funeral be, why aren't the doctors checking up on me more, what is Kuroo not telling me?
He eventually has to go and he takes the empty tray, giving me a sweet smile before quickly pattering out of the room.
I push myself out of the bed and wander in the hallway to ask anyone what is going on but instead get ushered back into my room, me being confined to bed rest for more days.
Two days later I understand why the doctors were scared to check up on me.
I twisted my wrist a wrong way and it would take a lot of time to heal, destroying my setting career for volleyball for the rest of the school year.
I don't even cry but instead ate to be alive, talk just to socialize, and stare blankly at the ceiling when no one was in the hospital room.
The grey days move along slowly.
I am in turmoil.
It is a wonderful day outside.
I can only play volleyball for fun, not for too long. Doctor's orders.
I laugh, run, and enjoy the sunshine. The car crash months ago seeming like a fleeting dream.
"Here!" I yell and set the volleyball to my friend Kuroo, him in good spirits today.
"Im-" I bounce it back to him.
"Got it, I'm here!" I yell, and suddenly realize why I had been feeling off today.
Those exact words, I'm here, I don't even return the pass and walk away quickly, stiffly. The ball bounces lazily past me as I'm quickly walking away. Crashing in the moment of realization that the funeral was two days ago. My mom is officially dead, just me not believing it. Her ashes in a coffin. An odd request but she was indecisive like that.
Too many people in my life has offered that they were sorry.
How can you be sorry when you didn't go through it experience it. My dad even seemed happier, trying to move along healthily but some nights when I passed his bedroom that he shared with my mom, I could hear him softly crying. I'm not even sure how he has kept together in front of me, or even not blamed me. I told him and he just gave me one solid pat.
I walk away, back to my house, Kuroo calling my name.
Tears are sliding down my face by the time he runs to me and turns me around.
"Hey what's wrong." He searches my face for a reason, and I look down at the ground.
"Hey-" He says, concerned, "Answer me."
I sniffle, form the words but can't get anything out but just cry harder.
"It's okay." He consoles, and lets me cry everything...anything.
He places his hands on both my shoulders, grounding me to the grass or just keeping me from floating away. I'm not sure which one it is, and I can't see enough to assume.
When he pulls away I softly say, "I'm sorry for everything you have to go through to be my friend."
His face is instant readable pain, and he shakes his head.
"I do this because I love you-I have told you that so many times, and I know you do too."
I didn't deny nor confirmed anything.
"Don't be sorry because..." He leans in, "I'm here for you."
I'm blinking.
We stare at each other and I'm leaning in.
Those words are twisted into wonderful meaning, fireworks in my chest.
How am I still breathing?
He kisses my mouth softly, and my hands are in his hair. And my chest feels like its going to burst, my pink face sometimes around him, easy joking, and just overall enjoyable aspects of being around him making sense.
I lean in and place my hand on his face, returning mutual understanding.
He pulls away and looks dearly into my eyes, my cheeks feel flushed.
"I'm here too." I smile and I know there will be even rougher days ahead but the starting of a new relationship seems something I can handle. Something that I will take from my life and fully enjoy.
A/N: I'm not romanticizing blank, blank, and blank. ((just fill in the blanks, I know what you are thinking)) I just write to write and don't do much of anything. I have not been in a car accident myself but have been very close to being in one and have witnessed one personally happen. This stuff is scary as hell and scary as heCK. Just think brink of tears crying and breath caught in chest whole time, scared that something more is going to happen but it already happened. Man I forgot I had witnessed one while writing this but hey ya'll be safe and drink water.
I never post my stories so mehghh...this is a really big step for me. Pray for my anxiety.