Disclaimer: Yeah, Yeah…I don't own SGA. I would love to. If they were mine they would still be around. So many stories to tell. This is how I think things should have been done between John and Teyla.
Author's note: Teyla has a secret that would change someone's life. Some angst and whump because it was necessary.
Secrets
Silence... It was so calm and quietly in the infirmary at the end of the day that Jennifer Keller didn't feel comfortable. Nothing serious happened today. No serious injuries. The off world missions were all successful. She did a check up on Major Lorne after he demonstrated a light fever after the mission, but he had just a simple cold. She prescribed some rest and good alimentation.
Dr. Keller finished her medical reports and she was getting ready to analyze some blood tests. She grabbed the little container with the blood and smiled lightly when reading the label. Torren John Emaghan. Teyla's baby was the cutest patience she could have. He was quite a good baby, always cooperative and gracious as the mother. For a moment, she stopped to think about the father. Kanaan. She didn't have the pleasure to know him that well. Besides she had helped him to get cured from Michael's experiment, the guy was never around for too long. Keller asked about him to Rodney, but not even Rodney knew too much about him, mysterious man, indeed.
Dr. Keller ran some tests and wrote down the results in the computer. Jennifer was happy that all the results were perfect with the little guy. He was a perfect healthy baby. But for a moment, she frowned looking at the monitor screen. She has done little Torren blood tests before, but for some reason she had never done that test, even because it was not necessary or Teyla didn't require. But Jennifer felt the need to make a complete examination just to make sure nothing was wrong with the baby. That result…This can't be right. She took another look at the analysis and once more she confirmed. The result could not be wrong.
Keller felt the need to go running and tell Rodney her discovery. That would be possibly one of the best news in the Pegasus Galaxy for ages. She took a deep happy breath. But then, suddenly, her brown frowned once more. That is not possible. Kanaan or Teyla don't have the… she interrupted her own thoughts knowing the answer. Teyla…? Why did you do that for? The happiness converted into a weird feeling. Keller felt a deep cold in her spine.
"Hey Sweetie." McKay called her.
Jennifer was so concentrated in her own thoughts that didn't sense Rodney approaching.
"Everything OK?" He insisted noticing she didn't hear.
Jennifer looked surprised at Rodney. Her expression was confusion and irritation.
"Jennifer?" McKay insisted worried.
"Hi, Rodney." She finally talked back to him. "I didn't see you coming." She said trying to cover-up her attitude.
"What are you doing?" McKay asked suspicious. "What is wrong? Are you OK?" He asked.
Jennifer smiled a little embarrassed. She knew she was not good at lying, but she had to give a try. "I am fine, Rodney." She said. "There is nothing wrong. I just didn't see you there."
"Well, I was thinking I should be noticed at least by you once in a while." He complained. "What were you thinking?"
"Nothing important." She said. "Just one thing I need to talk with Teyla."
"Oh." Rodney said losing the interest. It would probably be a woman thing. But McKay saw the test tube with Teyla's baby label. "Is something wrong with the baby?" he asked worried.
"What?" Keller retorted. She should never underestimate Rodney. Her boyfriend was told as a genius for several reasons. McKay was really smart. Jennifer knew she had to change the subject of the conversation or Rodney would find out Teyla's little secret. "Oh no, of course not." She answered quickly. "The baby is healthy as the mother." She completed.
"Good." McKay said relieved.
"So, what are we having for dinner?" She said. "I am quite hungry today."
"Oh." Rodney commented. "I hope is not meatloaf again. I can't stand that for tree days in a roll."
Jennifer put her arms around Rodney and smiled softly. "I am certain they will not do that today again, Rodney. That it would be too much torture."
"Well, I think the new guy in the Kitchen doesn't like me." He commented back.
"Don't worry Sweetie, I am sure you are not the only one complaining." She said turning around and closing her laptop computer.
ATA
Colonel Sheppard was by the balcony looking at the two moons in the sky. The night was bright and beautiful. He was all alone feeling the breeze touching his face softly. His thoughts were concentrated in nothing is special. He was only feeling the night, and for a moment, he felt a little dizzy. It was a quick and annoying sensation. He remembered he didn't stop to eat anything since he got from the mission. He was not feeling really hungry. He just wanted to relax a little and maybe have some company. For a thoughtful moment, he pressed his lips together. John just wished he was not alone.
Since little Torren's birth, Teyla has been too busy to spend some time with him. The training fight lessons had ceased some time ago and with Kanaan presence in the city, he didn't feel comfortable to be around for too long. But since Kanaan had decided to be with his people, John could have tried to be closer to Teyla again, but he just didn't feel right. She had a baby with another man, she was a mother, she was the leader of her people and he didn't want to bother her life. They used to be good friends, more than friends. John knew very well the bounding they had together. So close, and at the same time so far away. John just wished he didn't waste his time afraid of the future and had lived the present. He remembered Rodney and smiled. Can you believe Rodney has more balls than you? He thought to himself. Since McKay and Jennifer have been together, John was feeling a little jealous. Yes, jealous was the word in his mind. McKay and Keller were happy together. They didn't fear any inconvenience that life in Pegasus Galaxy could bring.
He decided to take a walk in the city. Someone could think he was crazy, but because Atlantis was sentient, it could sense when he was feeling blue. The city used to comfort him. It was a weird feeling that John could not explain, he just knew the city was there for him. After a short walk, he decided to say hi to Teyla anyway. He missed her smile and he missed her new little guy as well. John knew Torren was the son of someone else, but he was Teyla's son, and for him, that was enough. He didn't know why, but he always felt complete near to that baby. Maybe, it was the feeling that Torren could have been his own son. Sheppard was not good at expressing his feelings. Teyla knew that. He knew that she knew. That was his problem. He was not ready to be so vulnerable. And besides that he was afraid to shake her friendship. Teyla has become so important to him. Her friendship was so precious for him. He knew she would always be there for him and he didn't want to screw up things or get embarrassed if her feeling was not mutual.
He was on the way to Teyla's quarters when he heard Samantha's voice.
"Sheppard!"
"Colonel." He said.
"Good to see you around yet." Sam commented. "I hope you are thinking going to bed early because you will have quite a busy day tomorrow if I may remind you."
"Yes, Sam. I know. Big meeting with the Sarabanders." He replied. "Those are the only people that like to meet at six in the morning."
"Different cultures."
"Sure." He retorted. "No technology or electricity…" He completed.
Samantha Carter smiled. "They have good food and excellent herbs."
"Yeah. Don't worry. I will be up on time." He said.
ATA
Some time later, after dinner, Dr. Keller was at Teyla's door. She was not totally certain about what she was going to do it, but she wanted to let Teyla to know what she had found out. The feeling inside her was too strong to be quiet. Keller didn't want to be an intruder in someone's life and decisions, but she didn't think it was fair. Teyla's secret could hurt someone badly. It could do a hole in someone's world and Jennifer wanted to know if the risk was worthily.
Keller passed her hand at the door switch a little hesitant. The door opened and she saw Teyla coming quickly. Teyla gesticulated silence with her finger. "Torren has just fallen sleep now." She whispered with a soft smile.
Keller smiled back and understood it was not a good time to talk, and specially to talk about what she wanted to.
"It is OK Teyla, we talk tomorrow." She whispered back.
The baby was sleeping in the crib. Nice, warm and quietly.
"Don't worry, Jennifer." Teyla talked. "Torren doesn't wakes up easily after eating." She completed.
Jennifer looked at the baby from the entrance and looked back into Teyla.
Teyla detected her friend curiosity and could sense some concerns in her eyes. Jennifer was not good in hiding her feelings. Something was disturbing her and Teyla noticed that.
"It is OK Teyla. Really. We can talk another time." The doctor insisted.
Teyla raised an eyebrow and watched Kelller go away. Something was not right and she knew that.
ATA
So many decisions, so many choices to be taken and John Sheppard always listening to his mind. He was going to say hi to Teyla before but for some reason he gave up. It was already late. The baby would be probably sleeping. She would be probably tired and to say the truth he really didn't know what to say to her. He was running a little bit through the city when doing a turn in one of the corridors he bumped with one of the marine's girl. She was pretty. Her brown eyes meet rapidly his gaze. He just smiled with charm. He was spontaneous. He couldn't hold himself. He remembered about what Rodney told him once…Kirk. It was not his fault he was a good looking guy…He could not avoid that. But his mom has talked to him about that. She has told him that he would be the kind of man that every woman would die for.
But she also told him to be careful with the woman that would see him inside out. That would be the one he would give his heart, and when doing, if deception knocked the door, it would be hard for him to handle. Maybe that was the reason he tried to shield himself from the world, he couldn't give up his freedom of fighting another day without fear. Fear of losing this someone, fear of leaving this someone lost. Maybe because that he was so afraid to get attached to people. He tried once with his ex-wife but she didn't understand him very well. Maybe she was not meant to be for real in the first place.
The girl in front of him knew he was the colonel, but she didn't care about the protocols when giving him an attentive look. John looked away when he saw the other woman walking through from upstairs. She was kind of hurry and didn't see him. He wondered what made Teyla left the baby alone at this time. He decided to follow her and find out if everything was ok. Teyla was going into the direction of the infirmary. That made him nervous. John frowned worried for a second. He drunk some water from the bottle he always walked with when exercising, dropped some on his face and dried out the sweat with the little white wipe attached to his pants.
When he got at the door of the infirmary, he was not sure if he should intrude inside. It could be something Teyla didn't want to share with anyone else and he didn't felt polite to hear the conversation. However, Teyla tone's voice was quite upset. And to get Teyla upset it should be something serious. He decided to keep listening a little bit more just to make sure she was fine. She didn't need to know he worries about her, but he liked to know when she was in need of something.
"I have noticed the feeling since I got here, but it was like it was not there. I didn't know you guys were seeing each other." Keller commented.
"It was just one night of weakness." Teyla said back. "And it is not of your concern, Jennifer." Teyla said.
"I am sorry, Teyla. But I do care about you guys and I just don't want to see anybody hurt." Keller said back.
John felt Teyla's silence as a knife cutting the air. She always knew the right thing to say and the silence made him apprehensive.
"I did what I thought it was best for everyone." Teyla answered no more upset. John felt sadness in her voice.
"I am sure you did." Keller said. "But soon or later, someone will find out your little secret, and it will not be right if the father finds out from someone else's mouth."
"You don't understand, Jennifer." Teyla said firmly. "Things are acceptable the way they are. I can not do that with him." She continued. "You know him as well."
"I know the man. I know he cares too much to be left in the dark." Jennifer retorted.
"Don't you see? That is the problem. He cares too much." Teyla answered. "I do not wish to let him worried every time we need to go off world. Can you imagine how this would affect his decisions?"
John was getting a little suspicious. He bit his lips as he does when confused or nervous. His was not sure where that conversation was going, but something was not right, something was telling him to listen more.
"You and Kanaan don't have the ATA gene, and Torren has it." Jennifer commented.
John Sheppard opened his hazel eyes wide. Oh crap…His breath became irregular. Those words were like someone hitting him in the head.
"He will find out as soon as Torren starts lighting up ancient technology." Jennifer continued.
"I will worry about when time comes." Teyla said dropping her gaze from Keller.
Teyla knew how many nights she lost not sleeping only looking at little Torren and wishing things could be as it supposed to be. She knew the man she loved would not understand her reasons, but she knew she was doing the best for him. He was not from her world, he was not familiar with her ways, and he was not ready to be a father. Not yet. Above being the father, he was also a warrior. And she knew warriors could get weak with such responsibility.
"Does Kanaan know?" Jennifer asks.
"Kanaan is my childhood friend; he is the one I trust." Teyla answers.
"So I take that as a yes."
"Yes. Kanaan knows he is not the father." Teyla says with sorrow.
Something inside the colonel made him get a step forward. John didn't think at this time. He just wanted to see the look at Teyla's face. He just wanted know if she would be able to look at him in the eyes. Why…? That was the only word in his mind when he suddenly got inside into the room. His eyes were watery. John knew he was too disappointed to hide his judgment.
Jennifer was the first to see him.
"I am sorry Teyla." She said worried. "I didn't mean to cause you any trouble." She continued.
Teyla's heart pounded in sadness, and tears dropped upon her face when she saw John's eyes.
"John." She managed to say.
The man was quiet. He was too quiet. Both women knew colonel Sheppard very well. He was too confused to say something. He was feeling betrayed and anyone could see that in his expression.
Not this way. Please not. It can't be happening…Teyla was trying to make believe.
"Doc…" John murmured with eyes locked incomprehensibly on Teyla.
Jennifer understood him but she was not sure if letting them alone would be a good idea. That situation was not her fault, but at the same time she knew it was.
"Colonel Sheppard, please listen." Keller tried. Jennifer could tell the man was too distressed because his insistence to stare at Teyla. Jennifer didn't know how he would react. Colonel Sheppard has the fame of being a very kind and forgiven man. Rodney always appreciated the many times John had given him a second chance. But the look on his face now, it was something she had never seen before. It was pain, confusion, anger and disappointment.
It was exactly how the dark hair man was feeling. John tried hard to focus on the moment and don't let his feelings betray him as well. He didn't answer the doctor. The colonel started walking restlessly from one side to another in the room. Teyla recognized his behavior. He was confused, hurt and angry. She nodded to Jennifer in response to her silence question.
Jennifer understood and left the infirmary.
John got close to a wall and supported his head against it. He wanted to turn his face away and try to cover up the pain in his heart.
"Is that true?" He asked hoarsely, staring into the floor.
"It shouldn't be this way, John." Teyla said melancholy. "I never had the intention to hurt you like this." She added.
Fighting back the tears that were there, he takes a deep breath taking strength to look at her again.
"Why, Teyla?" He asked. "Why did you lie to me?" He said giving no chance for response. "Do you have any idea how mad I got when you said you were pregnant?" He continued.
"I remember that you have showed your thoughts at the time." She answered back firmly. "You have being acting different with me since then."
"What a hell did you want me to do?" He shouted. "You know I always lo.." He stopped hesitant. "And suddenly you appear pregnant from some guy I never heard about before!" He commented with irritation. "And now I found out this." He said lowering his voice.
Teyla knew he was mad. She knew he needed to speak out his heart. It was her fault, all her fault. She approached him trying to reach his face. His broken heart was not broken as hers. She was the one that had to look at him everyday and see him embracing her baby with love and care. He didn't know was his son, but he cared for him because the baby belonged to her. Maybe he had never forgiven her about Kanaan story but he was there for her, always. John didn't know, but there was nothing more important to her than him, and now, their baby.
John turned his face away from her touch.
"I did lie for you because it was necessary." She said with sorrow. "You have too many responsibilities already. You have the Wraith, the Replicators, Atlantis and…"
"Stop!" John interrupted.
Teyla stopped talking immediately.
"You have no right to do this." He continued. "How could you look at me everyday and never say anything, Teyla?" John said without a gaze. He was mad. He was really mad. He remembered when Michael got her still pregnant. Damn it…It was his son that bastard was playing with. It was the woman he loved he kidnapped. It was also the woman he thought he could trust. He bit his lips. "I thought I knew you." He murmured.
"John." Teyla called him trying to bring him back from his thoughts. "You know me more than anyone else and you know that." She said.
"Do I?" He interrupted again, with a dark edge to his voice. "I thought I trusted in a woman that I could risk my life for." He added. "I thought you were an honest person, someone able to risk anything to reach what is right." He said disappointed. "When would you tell to your son that his mother is a liar?" he added.
She slapped his face instantly after his words.
Teyla knew he was angry, but she also knew he said those things without thinking twice. Maybe he didn't mean it, but he did. Teyla got upset with him as well. She didn't want to hurt him. She was waiting the right moment to tell the truth. She was not that person he was picturing in his mind.
John closed his eyes, resisting the urge to wince.
Teyla was breathing erratic. John could tell she regretted. He frowned dazed.
"Please forgive me." She said. Her voice was trembling and full of sorrow.
He knew she had good reasons. He was not the kind of guy ready for such responsibility. A father. He didn't have a very good example of his own. His father was always too busy to be with him. Always excuses. Business first. And now, John knew deep inside that Teyla was doing the right thing for the moment. But she didn't have the right to lie this way. He was mad. He was confused. And he was happy. He tried to hide this from himself. He always wanted the little guy could have been his.
"All this time that I could be with…" he said hoarsely and interrupted his own words. "I was always there when you were pregnant, but you never allowed me to get any closer." He commented.
"I never said anything to keep you away." Teyla answered back.
"What about to be with another man?" He said quickly.
Teyla understood how much pain she had caused to him.
"I am sorry John."
Sheppard remained quietly fighting back the tears that were there. He saw tears dropping in Teyla's face. He approached and wiped her tears with his hand. Teyla closed her eyes focusing on the softness of his touch. For a second, John almost embraced her in his arms. He knew Teyla very well. She was right. He knew that in her place maybe he would have done the same. But he was too confused and upset to think straight. His heart was speaking louder, and he never thought comfortable listening to his heart.
His silence made Teyla hold her breath. For so long she tried to shield him for this situation and now, John was there, vulnerable. She tried to hold his hand but he took it back instantly. Without a gaze at her, the colonel just went away in silence.
Teyla kept looking at the door waiting for someone she knew would not come back. At least not tonight…
TBC
English is not my mother tongue, but I really like to share my ideas in English! Hope you could have some fun when reading. I will try to update shortly. I promise some whump, some love and some adventure…Can't wait to publish.