Into Dust
-A look at what might have been going through Marissa's mind after she saw Luke kissing Holly at the club in TJ.
My first ever FanFic – so please be forgiving xxx
Disclaimer: I don't own The O.C, or the song "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star
My head is spinning. I push people aside as I try to find a way out of this madness; the club is swarming with people.
I can't think, I can't breathe... I am nothing.
Finally I spot the bouncer near the door, and stumble out into the street..
I stand still and try to take in what I just saw.
Why did he do it?
Doesn't he love me anymore?
Aren't I good enough?
What did I do wrong?
I feel a pain tightening in my chest, and am oblivious to the tear that begins to slide its way down my cheek.
Numbly I walk the streets, my feet leading me back to the hotel room me and Summer had rented.
I look around when I go inside. A man in the corner stares as I enter the lobby. I hurry for the stairs and the safety of the room.
I curl on on the chair, my head on my knees.
"Thank God, Coop!". The noise startles me from my daze, and I look up.
Summer walks nearer and I turn to look at her, a glazed expression on my face, tears streaking down my cheeks.
"I slept with him". I state the obvious; regret dripping from my words.
"I know, sweety". She is trying so hard to offer some vestige of comfort, but I push it away.
"I gotta call Ryan and Seth."
"No! I don't wanna see them. Just... I'm so embarrassed". I can't see Ryan, not now. I can't bear to see his face, the pitying expression, the intense look in his eyes; trying to read me.
"It's ok... it's just... we'll go home"
The words seem so distant, as if from another world; another place where everything is ok, and it is safe to cry. The world that is fading fast.
"I can't go back! My dad will be gone, my mum will be back... I have... I have no-one". The realisation shocks me and I can't quite comprehend it.
"Come on Coop. Let's get out of here."
She hands me a tissue. "I'll grab our stuff."
She goes into the bathroom, and I know she will make a call – to tell Ryan and Seth she has found me.
She's found me, it's ok.
Except it's not ok. I'm not ok.
Her bag lies open on the bed, her step-mum's painkillers in plain view.
It's a crazy thought, but in this moment I want but one thing.
I want to fade... I want everything to leave me, for the hurt to fade.
Well, they aren't called painkillers for nothing, are they?
I make a hasty exit from the motel – Summer won't, can't understand what I'm feeling.
More than that – I won't let her understand. This is my pain, mine alone to bear, there's nothing anyone can say to me in this moment that can make it better.
I need to be alone, and I need to escape from this.
I head for the nearest bar and sit, barely noticing my own body and the sensation of moving, let alone the people around me.
I push the thoughts away; it is in vain – they envelop me, and finally, I let them. I let the emotions surface, the numbness replaced with a dull aching in my chest. I can't break down, not here, not ever.
I want it to go. I'm not strong enough, and I sure as hell can't cope with this.
First my parents, now this. I thought he cared for me; I thought I had it good.
I slept with him! I gave him everything, and so now all that I had is gone.
Any illusions of happiness are shattered in one moment of excruciating clarity.
The pain is physical now, aching, gnawing into me. My heart is falling fast, my spirit breaking.
I reach for another type of spirit – the vodka at my request is placed before me.
In a deep, far away part of my consciousness, pride and satisfaction at being served underage, but not now.
I don't care. I'm so full of emotion, I just want it all to go.
What good are these feelings, anyway? In the end the only thing left is the pain.
The tears come again now, and so it is with my vision blurred that I reach for the box of painkillers and tip some into my hand.
I had only intended to take two or three, to ease my throbbing head, and my hand hesitated before I tipped up the container again. A few more, to take the pain and bear it away...
After all, who knows how many I may need to fix this mess? My heart feels so very heavy, and so desperate for a way out of this madness, this insanity that courses through me.
I take a deep breath before putting the contents of my hand into my mouth. I down the vodka to help me swallow, choking as it burns my throat.
I sit then, reveling in the well known feeling; the alcohol seeping through my body, making my head spin.
I sit in a daze, and look around me, running a hand through my hair.
There are men sitting around a table in the corner.
They are looking at me and I return their gaze in confusion – what do they want from me?
Little did I know what I looked like, then, and how very out of place a young girl looked in this terror place.
Most importantly, I was alone. It hit me then, how very alone I was.
I can feel it now, feel the drugs inside of me. I know I've gone too far, and for the first time I am scared.
One of the men rises from his seat, I watch in slow motion as he walks, nearer to were I'm sitting.
Compulsive fear grips me as I flee out of the bar, a strange ringing in my ears, my stomach churning over, as if repulsed with what I'd mindlessly subjected it to.
A wave of stifling heat rolls over me and the noise is deafening. The people swarm in every direction, night life fully underway.
I stumble along, a hand over my mouth as if to prevent the strong compulsion to puke my guts up.
It takes hold of me now. I cannot feel. I am numb, but that is what I had wanted, after all.
Please stop - I take it back! I didn't want this – not more pain!
I just wanted to forget, to pretend for a while that none of it had happened...
But not like this. I want it to end, but I am helpless. I stagger in the street and clutch at the wall to help stay upright.
The world sways menacingly. I just want to know which way up things go, thats all...
What is happening to me? I am so scared and so alone. This can't be the end.
Please, I don't want to die – not yet, not now, and not like this...
I shy away from the noise and the people, to find a quiet corner at last. I lean against something solid.
I cannot stay upright. Defeated, I let my body slip to the dusty floor.
The world is still at last.
I have time to acknowledge the utter horror in my soul, before the darkness steals me away...
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till your eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you, breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust...