AN- I know this is short but I am going to do the whole mourning process, they might be shorter they might be longer it depends lol yeah.
Spencer watched as the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. He couldn't cry, the energy needed to cry just wasn't there. The tears he could feel brimming his eyes just wouldn't fall and he knew it was because he had given up. The moment he saw Derek's lifeless body hit the ground he had given up. Spencer was broken; they had been together, actually in a proper relationship, for 5 years and he had never been happier. Everyone around them knew that they were together; everyone around them knew that they were happy. You could practically feel the love radiating off the couple every time you saw them. A look, a touch, something. Now it was gone.
No one was surprised that Spencer reacted in the way he had. No one was surprised that he had barely uttered 12 words in the time it took to plan the funeral.
Spencer and Derek had a life planned out, they were going to retire together and start a family. Maybe have small 9-5 jobs so they could raise children and have a semi-normal life.
But that was all ripped away the minute she pulled the trigger, the unsub was psychotic, normally not violent. That didn't stop Spencer from hating her with every ounce of his being.
His entire life was taken from him. Spencer's soul was stolen, taken away like he could live without it. He knew he should try and console his teammates, his partner's family. But he couldn't, not today.
He walked up to Penelope who had obviously been crying the entire ceremony and took the balloon she handed him. This was an exercise, to let go of the one you lost. Spencer held the balloon close to him and watched as the others let the balloons go. He knew what he was supposed to do, just let it go. Spencer knew that it was just a symbol but his hands refuse to let go of the thin string he held firmly between his fingers.
He knew the others around him where watching him he knew that they just wanted him to let the stupid balloon go so they could go home but it literally felt impossible. He looked around his eyes pleading with the mourners to understand why he just couldn't do this. He couldn't just let go of the memory. Spencer couldn't move on, it was impossible.
That one true love people speak of? Spencer found it in Derek, and he just couldn't let that go. Quick and wordlessly Spencer stalks off and gets in his car, driving as fast as the law allows he hears the balloon bobbing next to him.
Spencer hasn't the faintest idea where he is but he pulls into an alley way, he know what he did was immature and ridiculous but he didn't care. He stroked the helium-filled balloon gently, as if he could bring back the man he loved through sheer willpower.
After a long moment he remembers that smile, the one saved just for him. He remembers the beautiful laugh that was so hard to elicit. He remembers the late nights spent in Derek's arms. Spencer's feels the tears. The tears that he thought lost the will to fall. They streaked his cheeks but he wasn't crying, there was no increased breathing, no hunching over. Just tears slipping silently down his face, as he sat in a car in some abandoned alley and thought about the love that was gone from him, about the life he now would never get to have.