Sometimes she wishes she had killed him in that first arena.
These thoughts don't always come at night but these moments, just before dawn breaks and stars fade away, are the worst. She lies on her, their bed and counts the time by measuring her own heartbeats. She bites her pillow, tries to make no sound. She doesn't want to wake him. It's a futile battle, she knows; he is already awake. She feels his arms around her, solid and soft and beautiful. She wants to close her eyes and never woke up. As usual, he denies her. His arms tighten around her, grounding her. She cries tries to break free, to get away. She stops.
After all, where would she go?
Peeta is calm. He just holds her. She wants to shake him, to scream at him, anything to get a reaction. How can he stand her? She is a terrible person. She is selfish. Why her pain, her suffering so much more important than his? Why she can't just let it go, like so many people, like Peeta?
He loved from the moment he saw her. Katmiss hates him for that. How can he be so naïve, so trusting with his love? What did she do to deserve such devotion?
Peeta doesn't wish she was dead. But Katniss know, knows with a clarity that chills her to the bone, that everything would be better if he were dead. If he were dead, then she would be free. She would lie in her bed and see the sun rising and she wouldn't have to pretend that she cared.
He kissed her and for a while it's enough.
She wakes up and it's barely morning. Peeta is not sleeping next to her. She finds him in the kitchen, reading her book. He is tense, like he had just return from battle and Katniss supposes it's true. He looks up and smiles. It doesn't reach his eyes.
"Tough night?" He stands next to her and is careful not to touch her.
She chuckles softy. It's not a happy sound. "You could say that." She wraps her arms around him and she can feel him relaxing. "I am sorry."
He kisses her forehead. "You have nothing to be sorry about." Under his gaze, she feels small.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like it's the last time you will ever see me."
"I am always looking you like that." She hugs him tighter. She doesn't know what to say.
When he speaks again, his voice is hoarse like he hadn't used it for days. "Sometimes… I feel like you are going to slip away… and I will not be able to hold you back. I will not be enough."
"You will always be enough." She says fervently and wished with every fiber of her being that it's true, for both of their sake.
"You don't know that."
"I am not going anywhere. This thing…I want to fight it. I don't want it to rule me. I am better that that. We are better than that."
His lips found hers and they taste like a promise. Outside of the window, they can hear children's laugh, people wishing each other good morning. They stay in each other's arms and welcome the day that has just arrived.