Title: Façade
Author: Serenity Marr
Summary: I am not Kendall Knight. I am not this perfect guy everyone thinks I am. I am Kendal Schmidt, Kendall Schmidt! Rated M for depression, angst, mild language, boyxboy smut later on ) etc. This is a slash. Kogan!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything…but my brain. Everything goes to their rightful owner and all that. No infringement of any kind intended.
Edit: Hello once again! I am reposting this story and it is complete! FF had took it down before I completed it, and I am now just reposting. Hope you like it...
Kendall woke up with a groan. He knew that he had to get up early today to shoot an episode for season 3 of Big Time Rush. As much as he loved acting and hanging out on set at the famous Paramount lot in Hollywood, he was getting physically and mentally tired of having to work over 12 hours filming every day. Yes, a lot of the time they were there to film only a few scenes which would only normally take a couple of hours, but it was mandatory that he stayed on set for the whole 12 hours just in case they needed him to retake scenes. Most of the time he would just have to find a way to entertain himself but that was never easy.
People usually think that Kendall Schmidt is a lot like the character he plays, Kendall Knight. Kendall scoffed at that. He was nothing like Kendall Knight. He wasn't a leader, he wasn't good with talking to girls or keeping a stable relationship, he wasn't the all-American boy that Kendall Knight was. He wasn't an all-star hockey player, heck he was the least athletic out of all four boys. He wasn't smooth or confident like Kendall Knight was, and he never had any amazing ideas like Kendall Knight did. Which is why he would constantly find himself bored with nothing to do.
Kendall decided that he should get out of bed. He sat on the bed and rubbed his eyes and looked at the digital alarm clock on his night stand 5:43 AM. He woke up before his alarm clock again. Despite him being tired all the time he could not sleep at night no matter how much he tried and wanted to. The days he could fall asleep would only be ruined when he would constantly wake up during the night. Kendall grabbed his cell phone next to the alarm clock and connected it to the charger so it could charge while he was taking a shower. He walked into his bathroom and closed the door behind him. He turned on the shower and waited for it to get warm. He looked himself in the fogging mirror and he wondered what fluke had there been for the casting director to pick him to be part of Big Time Rush. He wasn't as good looking as James was or as athletic. He wasn't as charismatic or passionate as Carlos, and he was no Logan Henderson. Kendall sighed again and determined that the water had turned warm enough and got into the shower. After he was finished with his shower he changed and went back into his bedroom. He checked his IPhone and it was now charged all the way. He took it off of his charger and headed downstairs. That was another thing that made Kendall pathetic. He was 21 years old and he was still living with his parents. James had his condo in Santa Monica, Logan had an apartment in Studio City, and Carlos had a ginormous million dollar house. Even Dustin had moved out of his parent's house a few years ago and now had an apartment. Kendall had decided that he would rather stay with his parents. It wasn't that he couldn't afford a new place; it was just that he was the youngest kid and he loved his parents because he had an amazing family. He had figured that he would be on the road most of the time anyway so what would be the point of getting a new place? Even though he loved his family he still wished that he had a house or an apartment to call his own. Kendall reached the kitchen which was fairly small but cozy and functional, you would think that he lived in a big fancy house but the truth was that like him, his family was very modest. They did not believe in material possessions but rather believed in living a simple but happy life, and doing what you were passionate about. Kendall's passion was music. It had always been. Yes he enjoyed acting, he loved it really, but nothing beat how he felt when he would strum his guitar, or tap his fingers to the melody of a song that was stuck in his head. Music was truly his life. It was the only thing keeping him sane on days like these. Kendall decided that he didn't want any breakfast. He knew it was unhealthy for him to skip meals but he couldn't bring himself to eat because of the knot in his stomach. He hadn't eaten anything since he went out to lunch the day before with his brother Kevin and Kenneth. They were celebrating them both being back. Kevin from his escapades in Washington and Kenneth coming back from Law school in Chicago. They ate at their favorite organic restaurant in Studio City called Hugo's. He loved going there because it reminded him of all the great memories with his brothers. Kendall grabbed his keys that were on the counter and headed out. He got into his car and drove off. 15 minutes later he was at the gates of the Paramount Studios and showed the security guard his pass. He drove in all the way to the back where they would be filming. He parked his car and headed inside. He was greeted with multiple "Good Morning's" from the crew and he gave a small smile and a wave in return. He finally got to his dressing room and sighed. He sat down on his beige squishy sofa and grabbed his guitar that was next to the couch. He always kept an extra in his dressing room since he knew he would more than likely be there until night. He started playing one of his favorite songs at the moment, which was *Anna Sun by Walk the Moon. This song just made him think of all the fun he had touring with his best friends.
Screen falling of the door,
Door hanging on its hinges
My feet are still sore,
My back on its fringes
We tore up the walls
We slept on couches
We lifted this house,
We lifted this house
Fire-crackers on the east
My car parked south
Your hands on my cheek
Your shoulder in my mouth,
I was up against the wall on the left mezzanine
We rattle this town,
We rattle this scene
Oh, Anna Sun
Oh, Anna Sun
"I love that song, it gets me so pumped for the summer tour" Logan said smiling leaning on the door frame.
"Yeah, I can't wait to finally get back on tour" Kendall said smiling back.
"I know what you mean" Logan said and moved to sit down next to Kendall, and grabbed the guitar out of his hands and began to slowly strum it.
"What song is that?" Kendall furrowed his eyebrows, trying to figure out what song Logan was playing.
"Hmmm" Logan looked up "Oh it's just a song that I made up" he said nonchalantly and stopped playing. He smiled up to Kendall and handed the guitar back to him.
"So when do you have your first shoot?" Logan asked putting his hands behind his head and leaning back into the couch.
"7 am, so I still have 30 minutes to kill" Kendall said looking at his phone.
"Me too, what do you want to do?" Logan said still resting his head on the couch.
"Don't know I was just going to play a little bit" Kendall said signaling to the guitar in his hands.
"Oh do you want to be alone?" Logan said starting to get up.
"No, maybe we can go find Carlos and James to see what they are up to." Kendall said wondering what kind of shenanigans they were up to.
"Or maybe we can get breakfast? We can go to Astro Burger** down the street." Logan said already thinking about the amazing pancakes and bacon they had.
"I'm not hungry, but I am sure Carlos and James would go with you if you asked them"
"Hahaha yea, those two are always hungry. Well c'ya later then" Logan said getting up and left to go find Carlos and James.
The day had passed by fairly slow and it was already 3PM. Kendall was back in his dressing room waiting to be called back on set, and his stomach growled. He hadn't eaten lunch either, deciding that he didn't want to talk to anyone and just wanted to be alone, and now he regretted it. He was starting to feel weak and a little light headed and he knew that, that wasn't a very good sign.
"Hey, you're needed back on set" one of the crew guys said from the doorway.
Kendall started to get up but all of a sudden he became dizzy, and grabbed on to the wall.
"Hey, you okay?" the crew guy said grabbing Kendall.
"Yea, I'm fine I'm just a little tired." Kendall lied. Even though he wasn't feeling so well he didn't want to make anyone worried. The crew guy looked unconvinced but didn't say anything. Kendall gave him a reassuring smile and the crew guy escorted him to the set.
It was already 10PM and Kendall still hadn't eaten anything. He really didn't have a chance because he was constantly needed on set. They were now shooting the last scene and Kendall was so grateful.
They were shooting a scene where he was running away from Carlos and James. When the director yelled action, Kendall began to run but immediately began to feel dizzy.
"Shit" Kendall said and knew that he was going to fall. Then Carlos and James came from behind and tackled him to the ground. Kendall was so weak and disoriented he wasn't able to fall correctly like how the stunt coordinator had showed him and fell with a crack. The crack was so loud that everyone on set heard it. Carlos and James immediately got off of Kendall and the stage medic quickly went to check on Kendall. Kendall shifted and groaned. The medic quickly inspected Kendall and saw nothing wrong. Kendall pulled his phone out of his pocked and groaned. The crack that everyone had heard was Kendall's new IPhone breaking and everyone let out a breath that they didn't even now they were holding. Logan, Carlos, and James ran up to Kendall.
"Kendall are you ok?, you scared us" Logan asked and sighed in relief when he saw that Kendall was physically ok.
"Yeah, I'm fine just tripped over my shoe I guess" he stood up but as soon as he tried he felt dizzy again and fell back down, James catching him on time so he didn't fall back to the ground.
"Yeah I don't think that constitutes as being fine, Kendall" Logan said frustrated and concerned at the same time.
"Yeah man what's wrong? Are you sick or something?" Carlos said looking at him worriedly.
"I said I'm fine" Kendall said starting to get annoyed and yanked himself away from James.
"What have you eaten today?" Logan said out of nowhere or at least it seemed that it came out of nowhere to everyone else. Kendall stayed quiet.
Logan sighed "Kendall".
"I forgot..." Kendall started
"Dude, you can't just not eat that's really unhealthy and we are just worried about you" James said sincerely.
"I know" Kendall said "I'm sorry I scared you guys, It was pretty stupid not to eat"
Logan looked sympathetically at Kendall,"It's fine just... don't scare us again okay?" and Kendall nodded his head.
One of the crew guys gave Kendall a sandwich and a bottle of orange juice, and the director decided that they had shot enough for that day and let everyone go.
Logan volunteered to take Kendall home, but Kendall said that he didn't have to. Logan insisted that he couldn't drive and Kendall gave in. They sat in silence the whole drive home. When they finally reached his house Logan turned off the car and turned towards Kendall. Kendall had his head down and was fidgeting with his hands.
"Kendall…" Logan started, but he still wasn't looking up at Logan. Logan sighed.
"What's going on? Is everything okay?" Kendall looked up eyes wide when he detected sadness and disappointment in Logan's voice. What was he doing? He usually hid his depression very easily and he didn't want one slip up to ruin all his hard work on creating the happy façade that he had been working on for months.
Kendall forced a small smile at Logan, "I'm sorry Logan. I was just distracted. we've been working so much lately and I've just been really anxious for the summer tour. I promise it won't happen again."
Logan looked at Kendall still not thoroughly convinced but let Kendall go anyways. He would have to keep a watchful eye on him.
As soon as Kendall got through the door of his house he sighed. He walked past the kitchen and put his keys on the counter. He went up the stairs into his room and fell face first on his bed. It had been a long stressful day and all Kendall wanted to do was sleep, but he couldn't. Even though he was dead tired his brain just would not shut up. It kept on thinking and thinking everything swirling in his head giving him a headache. He thought about how useless he had become. He wasn't the person he used to be. He was no longer happy, no longer dedicated, just no longer himself, and it frustrated the heck out of him. It frustrated him because he knew he was disappointing so many people. He was disappointing his fans, he was disappointing his parents, Carlos, James, Logan, and…he was disappointing himself. But, even though he knew he was disappointing all these people he couldn't help it, he didn't know what to do. Didn't have the strength to do anything. It felt like he was going on a downward spiral and he couldn't do anything. He was completely helpless. And day after day it just got worse, the ache in his heart got worse, his life got worse. But day in and day out he would pretend everything was fine when he knew that it wasn't. He would tell himself that he was being overdramatic. He was a famous singer and actor; he was rich at just the age of 21 and had millions of fans. He would convince himself that everything was ok, and during the day it was. He would hang out with his three best friends, sing, act, do the things he loved, but at night he couldn't convince himself. There were weeks were every night he would just cry himself to sleep. The insistent whole in his heart reminding him that he was alone and that he wasn't alright, he wasn't fine. He felt like he was slowly dying, like he was killing himself somehow. He would cry for hours until he would fall asleep. Then, when he would wake up in the morning, he would tell himself that he was being overdramatic, and he would go about the day as if nothing had happened. Kendall didn't know what to do. He couldn't tell anyone, they would just pity him or treat him differently. He didn't want that, he didn't want to be treated any different. He needed help; he just wouldn't admit that to himself. He would never admit it. He would rather sink, fade away and only become a shell of what he used to be, and that killed him inside but he had no other option.
*Go listen to Anna Sun by Walk the Moon. I love this song. It is such a summery type song you will love it, and you will understand why Kendall associates it to the summer tour.
**Astro Burger is an actual restaurant next to Paramount Studios. I don't know if they sell pancakes and bacon…but in this story they do! Lol