A/N I don't own MASH; nor do I own the songs whose clips I used for this story. This tribute is done in the same style as the "break in" novelty records that the late Dickie Goodman (RIP made from 1956 through 1986. As you read this fan fic, imagine what it would sound like if Dickie Goodman (playing the role of a roving reporter) had, in fact, cut this as a break in record!
Cue Mash theme song
"We're here at the 4077th with some startling news. Major Franklin Marion Burns is leaving the 4077th. Major Burns, why are you leaving?"
"Nobody knows what it's like to be hated" ... Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
"Major, what did you say to Margaret Houlihan last night in her tent?"
"If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on carry on." ... Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
"And what was her reaction?"
"She broke my little bottles of love potion #9." ... Love Potion Number 9 - The Coasters
"With me now is Major Margaret Houlihan. Major, what is it that will help you forget Frank Burns?"
"tequila." ... Tequila - The Champs
""We are now in the office of Colonel Sherman T. Potter. Colonel, how easy will it be to forget Major Burns?"
"ABC easy as 1 2 3." ... ABC - Jackson 5
"Just entering, is Corporal Walter O'Reily…"
Oh what a lonely boy - Andrew Gold
"Corporal, do you have any last words you would like to say to major Burns before he leaves?"
"You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain." ... Great Balls Of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis
An old fashioned phone rings.
"We're getting a long distance call stateside from Doctor John Mac entire. Doctor McIntyre, how do you think the 4077th will function without Major Burns?
"The sun gonna rise in the sky." Holly Holy - Neil Diamond
"We're now in the mess tent speaking with Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger. Corporal, When Major Burns first saw you from a distance, what did he think you were?"
"Pretty woman, the kind I'd like to meet." ... Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison
"And when he met you face to face, how did he react?"
"Dude looks like a lady." ... Dude Looks Like A Lady - Arrowsmith
"Why do you wear those dresses, Corporal?"
"I wanna go home." ... Sloop John B - Beach Boys
"Just entering the tent is Father John Francis Patrick Mulcahy. Father, when you heard about Major Burns leaving the 4077th, what were you thinking?"
"This is the day that the Lord has made." ... Kelly Williams
"We are now in the officers' tent, also known as The Swamp with Captains Benjamin franklin pierce and BJ Hunnicutt. Captain Pierce, When Major Burns told you he was leaving, How did you react?"
"Celebrate good times come on!" ... Celebration - Kool And The Gang
"And you, Captain Hunnicutt?"
"Am I only dreaming." ... Eternal Flame - Bengles
"Gentlemen, how do you plan to celebrate the departure of Major Burns?
"Bottle of wine, fruit of the vine." ... Bottle Of Wine - Tom Paxton
"Captain Pierce, our audience has always wondered, although he outranks you, why do you consistently refuse to follow Major Burns' orders?
"He can't even run his own life; I'll be damned if he'll run mine." ... Sunshine - Jonathan Edwards
"Major Burns, do you have any final words for your colleagues from the 4077th before your chopper departs?"
"One of These Days these boots are gonna walk all over you." ... These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra
Major Burns' chopper departs.
Cue MASH theme again.