Title: The Call
Author: JeeSun
Category: A bit angsty
Pairing: Addison/Derek
Summary: He's been fighting the urge all night to go into Ellis' old study to make the call he's wanted to make since Meredith locked up the door to their home.
Spoilers: 5.16 An Honest Mistake
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine although I sort of wish they were since season 3 of GA.
A/N: I haven't written a fanfic in years so please, be kind! Not sure if I'll continue this fic seeing as I like to leave the endings open and a bit angsty but we'll see. And sorry for the lame title! Also, this isn't beta-read. If anyone wants to be my beta-reader in case I write something else, let me know. Reviews and feedback is of course always appreciated!
"Let's get you to bed, Derek. It's late." Meredith's voice is soft and gentle.
She's never seen Derek this wasted before. Come to think of it, she's never even seen him a bit tipsy before and now he's drunk half a bottle of scotch in just a few hours.
"I'm okay," he mumbles and avoids her eyes.
She's surprised at how clear his voice sounds despite all the alcohol.
"You go. I'll be up in a while."
She starts to object but one look from him lets her know she shouldn't so instead she reluctantly gets up from the couch. She bends down to give him a light kiss on his cheek and smells the strong sent of alcohol from him before slowly walking upstairs.
Derek watches her leave and lets out a deep sigh of frustration. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the back of the couch, thinking of what Jen's husband had said to him when they gave him the bad news. No matter what Meredith says or anyone else for that matter, Jen's husband has been right. It was his fault, he had killed her. He's been fighting the urge all night to go into Ellis' old study to make the call he's wanted to make since Meredith locked up the door to their home. Now, when Meredith isn't by his side anymore there's no stopping him. He tells himself he shouldn't yet he knows it's the only thing that can make him feel even remotely better – if only for a short while. On unsteady feet he gets up from the couch, takes the bottle of scotch and his glass with him and goes to the study. Before picking up the phone he pours up another drink for himself. As he waits for her to answer he sips his drink not even feeling the burn the liquid caused in his throat only a few hours ago.
"Hello?" Her voice is tired and sad.
"Addison?"
A short pause before she speaks again, this time her voice is soft and caring. "Derek."
"Were you sleeping?"
"No, I figured you might call," she says honestly.
She had come home from the airport only a few hours ago dead beat but considering everything that had happened lately she didn't even bother going to bed knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep. The last she had seen of Derek was when she watched him walk away with Meredith after his fight with Mark earlier today. She had wanted to go after him but as Alex so matter-of-factly had told her; he wasn't her guy anymore. So she had quietly gone to the airport and then boarded the plane from Seattle to L.A. without as much as a goodbye. But her gut had told her she owed it to herself and him to be clear and awake if he'd might actually need her somehow. Thus she'd been sitting in her living room, taking small sips of wine just waiting in case he'd call.
"How are you?"
Derek leans back in the chair and sighs silently. "Well, you know…" As he realizes he doesn't know what to say to her, he can't help but feeling a bit stupid for calling. He just knew he had too.
"You've been drinking." It's a statement and not a question and she's not expecting him to say anything. "You know it wasn't your fault, Derek."
He wants to object but he knows it would just end in a conversation where they go back and forth with Addison trying to convince him he had done everything he could. "I got to close," he says instead. "I made it personal."
"You always do. It's one of your worst but also one of your best qualities as a doctor."
"Tell me what to do, Addie," he pleads quietly. "Tell me how to make this go away. Tell me how I can go on as a doctor after this."
Addison can't help thinking that she isn't supposed to be this person anymore. He isn't her guy. He's Meredith's guy. Yet, here he is calling her in the middle of night asking her to help him get back on his feet again. Just like she had done when they went to med school when he doubted if he could actually make it as a doctor being the sensitive and caring person he was and still is, and just like she had done during their internship when he would come home devastated for losing a patient although both of then knew it was a lost cause.
"You will," she says softly, doing her best to sound convincing although she has to think back to the early days of their internship to recall when she last had seen and heard him this miserable after losing a patient. "It will take some time, but eventually you'll get passed this thing too. You always have and you will this time as well."
"It's different this time," he mumbles and rubs his fingertips against his forehead.
"Why?" She asks, even though she thinks she might know the answer and even though she knows it's inappropriate.
"You're not here this time."
Had it been any other day or occasion she'd been upset with him for being so selfish to only want and need her on his circumstances. It reminded her all too well of how it had been her first year in Seattle when Derek had made a poor effort to give their marriage another try. But tonight she only feels concern for him and what he's going through at the moment, knowing she has to put her personal feelings aside and be strong for him. Because despite what she's been trying to tell herself since she first saw Derek in Seattle a few days ago, she still loves him. She doesn't regret opening that box because it saved her brother's life but now she doesn't know how to put him back.
"There are other people who can and will help you get through this." She doesn't want to mention Meredith's name, afraid of what that might lead too.
"Addison…"
She sighs sadly and wipes a hand over her forehead as she recognizes that tone of his voice. It was the same tone he had used when he had shown up two hours late to her 30th birthday party. It was the same tone he had used when he realized he had forgotten their tenth anniversary dinner. It was the same tone he had used the night after he told her he was still in love with Meredith. It's the tone he's always used with her when he knew he had hurt her and it would be followed by him telling her that he loved her to death and knew that she was the great love of his life despite what he had done.
"Derek," she says warningly, interrupting whatever he's about to say next.
She doesn't want to hear it. She's not sure of how much he's been drinking and even though she knows that he's never more honest than after drinking she doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't know for how much longer she can stay strong for his sake and put her own feelings for him aside.
"Go to bed, Derek. Get some sleep."
"Can I call you tomorrow?" His voice is gentle, innocent and desperate at the same time and Addison can feel herself giving in, not bothering to fight her feelings anymore.
Because as much as she wants to tell him he shouldn't, seeing as she is his ex-wife and seeing as he almost proposed to Meredith only a couple of days ago, she can't find it within herself to tell the man she's still in love with no.
"Yes," she says, her voice barely a whisper, before hanging up.
~Fin~