So it's finally here… I know a lot have you have been waiting for this due to the amount of messages on twitter … well now the wait is over … enjoy.
Have you ever had that dream and I use the word dream loosely as it can border line on being a nightmare – where you try to move but you're glued to the spot unable to move? Since the day I left Central City that dream/nightmare became my life, I walk through it but I'm getting nowhere. I got to work every morning, collect takeout on my way home and sit watching trash TV until I go to bed only to wake up the next morning to do it all over again.
Finishing my shift I went back to my office to collect my purse, walking through the door of my office, I sighed at the mountain of paperwork sitting on my desk. Turning a blind eye to it deciding it can be done on Monday morning. I collected my purse and coat placing my stethoscope in my purse; I left my office again – locking the door behind me. Checking my watch to see it is only 8am – I do hate a night shift. I headed down the hallway and into Mrs Reynolds room, with a little knock I allowed myself access and closed the door behind me while discarding my personal belongings by the door.
"Good morning Mrs Reynolds" I smiled walking over to the bed, pulling the chair.
"How many times call me Joan" she replied moving the bag of grapes closer to me so I can have a nibble.
"I know I'm sorry, shall we get started?" I asked picking one of the grapes out of the bag, popping it into my mouth while grabbing the book for the side of the bed with my other.
"Whenever you're ready, it makes a change to read in a morning"
Shooting her a smile, I opened the book to the page we left off at yesterday. Making myself comfortable in the chair I began to read. Glancing between the page and Joan lay in the bed, Joan thinks I do this to give her some company as she never gets visitors but what she doesn't realise is she is helping me, at the end of every shift I come and sit with her for a couple of hours and we chat and I mostly read to her. She saves me from going home to an empty apartment, where I sit alone and think about everything and everyone – more so one person.
It's been six months and I've tried moving on but I can't do it, everything I do reminds me of Barry, a song on the radio or a TV show that we have watched together or a phrase someone says as they pass by. I have tried everything to move on – going on dates but when I'm on them they feel wrong, as if I am cheating on Barry even if I broke up with him to move here. I didn't think I would miss him this much but I miss him more than I can describe, I miss the way he annoys me to no end, the way he's beside me when I wake up or beside me when I go to sleep. I miss the feel of his arms around me and his lips on mine but what I miss the most if that he understand me – he knows what I'm feeling without me having to say it, he knows how to make me smile when I'm having a bad day and knows how to make laugh when I'm angry with him which annoys me because he never allowed me to be angry with him.
Shaking the thought of Barry from my head, I focused on the book looking quickly at Joan in the bed as I read hoping she didn't notice I drifted off for a second.
"It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning or frost from fire" I read from the book, feeling the urge to cry at how real it felt.
I stopped reading, re-reading the same passage again in my head, Barry is in my soul and we were one then I went and broke it but from what I've heard he is doing ok. I have spoken to Nora many times since leaving Central City which just reminds me of Barry but I can't just ignore her when she calls because that would be rude and I did promise her I would stay in touch. I refused to ask her plain out right how Barry is but I didn't need to, it was as if she felt the question in my voice and would speak to me a little about him. I know he's been dating and I'm happy for him – happy he has moved on or is trying to move on. I did tell him to, so I can't be angry with him for doing so. Should I have expected him to sit around wait for me, I could have never of done that to him but I will admit it hurts knowing he is moving on – while I'm here unable to do so.
"Are you ok dear?" Joan reached over taking the book from my hand and placing it onto the tray. "It looks like you need to talk"
"I'm ok" I faked smiled knowing I don't need to put all my problems onto one of my patients. "We should continue, you're hopefully going home soon"
"It doesn't matter about the book – I've was young once and I know that look. Who is he?" she sat up on the bed reaching out to take my hand. "You can talk to your Nanna Joan"
"Before I took this job I was living in Central City and I met a guy – not just any guy, I think he was the one and I walked away from him to take this job"
"And he didn't come with you?"
"He couldn't, I asked but already knew he couldn't. His entire life is in Central City and as much as I wanted him too – I couldn't expect him to leave it all behind for me and I couldn't allow him to do long distance so I broke up with him"
"I see – so you left him for a job?"
"I had too" I looked down at my lap. "This job is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I couldn't say no so I had to choose between love or my career"
"And you chose the career – have you spoken to him since you left?"
"No, I haven't spoken to him for six months since the day I left. I've picked the phone up more times I can count to call but never press call. I don't know if he will even speak to me if I call. I broke his heart" I admitted,
I've spent almost every night in my apartment staring at the phone, finding Barry's number and hovering over the call button but have never gotten around to pressing call. For all I know he could have changed his number, I thought about sending an email to tell him how I feel then it is up to him if he reads it or replies but when I sit down with my laptop I can never find the words I want to write or they come to me but in a jumbled mess and I send up deleting the email before sending it. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just a distant memory to him now – just somebody that he used to know. He probably doesn't spend his nights thinking about me like I do him.
"I've tried moving on but I can't, whatever I do he is in my head and I miss him – I miss him more than anything"
"Then maybe you need to speak to him, maybe the key to moving on is to clear all the unspoken words between you both"
"I've spoken to his mom, she made me promise to keep in touch and she tells me how he is doing. I know he's dating again but from what she told me his heart isn't in it." I don't know why I felt the need to share that information but I've never been given the opportunity to speak about how I feel about Barry and now that I have the chance I'm allowing everything to spill out of my mouth without thinking about what I'm saying. "It's gotten to the point I am stalking his social media just to see what he is doing but he doesn't use it much"
"What is this young man like?" Joan asked no doubt just curious for a little information about my life. Being stuck in a hospital bed doesn't give her much form of entertainment and my life is all the entertainment she needs at the moment.
"A pain, he used to annoy me just so I would be angry with him, he said he likes seeing my angry because I look cute. The first time we met I wanted to strangle him, I hated him but he never gave up and I fell in love with him, he became my worlds. Don't get me wrong throughout our relationship I still wanted to strangle him but I wanted to kiss him while doing so, as much as he irritated me he also made the happiest I have ever been in my life. When I first moved to Central City I was running form heartbreak, my old boyfriend cheated on me and had done for two years and he embarrassed me so I ran to hide from it and I never thought I could love again then Barry crashed into my life and he made me believe in love again – he made me feel things I didn't know were possible and it made everything that happened before it look like nothing. He was my world" hearing myself talking about my relationship with Barry just brings everything into context, he was my life. I walked away from the best thing in my life – something that I can never replace and it just make me regret leaving him. If I hadn't of left then where would our relationship be at now? Would we still be happy? If I had of stayed and accepted his proposal, would we be neck deep in wedding plans by now? So many question flooded my mind and all of them I didn't really want answering.
"He sounds like a very nice young man – reminds me of my late husband. He used to do little things just to annoy me. I met my Frank when I was eighteen, I only want on a date with him to stop him asking me and we were married for the best part of sixty years"
"With Barry I went from hating him, to being his friend and then we went to play miniature golf and we made a bet which I lost and I ended up going on a date with him" I laugh at how stupid it sounds because of a bed I fell in love with the love of my life.
"Everyone's story has to begin somewhere – I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I was destined to meet my Frank just like you we're destined to meet this young man. You said you ran to Central City to hide but you went there to meet him. You could have moved anywhere but you chose to go there. He is your destiny sweetheart – maybe your story isn't over yet"
"He's moved on" I avoided eye contact realising how much I have screwed my life up by moving here. I should have never of left Barry.
"You don't know that for sure and if he has then maybe you should fight for him. You said he is your life, the one – well then fight for him. It's never too late. Call him, write to him do whatever you need to but don't give up hope. If it's meant to be then you should never give up. Do what you have to do to find out once and for all."
"Thank you"
"No need to thank me dear – I'm here all week" Joan waved her arm in the air.
"No thank you – you have just made me realise what I need to do. I'll come and see you Monday so make sure you don't go anywhere." I warned her knowing if I'm going to do this then I'm going to need her here when I get back.
"I'm going where until my doctor says so" she winked at me knowing I am the only one with the power to allow her to leave. "Have a good weekend"
"Wish me luck"
"Good luck my dear"
Collect my belongings from the doorway, I headed out of the hospital and to my car. If I'm going to do this – to test the water and see how things stand then I can't call or text, I'm going to have to go and see him, talking to him face to face and see if we do have a future – I hope Joan is correct and we do have a future.
So there you have it – the first chapter of Take Me Home – what did you think?
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