Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and never will. It's property of Masashi Kimimoto.
Oh, and please be kind. I haven't written a fanfic in such a long time. This was a nagging thought in the back of head and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it.
Today, it was raining, with sounds of the drops panging against the memorial. It felt so clichéd. Today was the anniversary of his death; Kakashi's death. It was a year ago, when he died. I stood here, wearing all black with smudged make-up with my mascara running down my cheeks, with our child, our little boy. He's a little our a year old now, and I cry inside every time I look at him; he looks so much like his father, a prefect copy. He's not too aware of what is going on though.
It was a year ago, when he was killed on a infiltration mission by a kunai. They say he fought hard, and outlasted his whole genin team, but some how I felt cheated. I cannot believe he died by a kunai! He was an elite jounin! He should've survived. Kakashi should be here with me and our son. No, he had to die honorably, to die for our country; the country I cannot stand to be in, now. He should've run, but he had to be stubborn and fight to the death. I bet he was stubborn in death as well. I cannot help but wonder what his last thoughts were of. Were they of me? Of Team 7? Or possibly of his genin team? I hate to sound selfish, but I wish and hope and pray that they were of me. I hope I was as important to him as he was to me.
I miss him so much. I think of him all the time. He's my first thought in the morning and the last before I sleep. When I take care of our son, sometimes I cry, especially when he does something so Kakashi-like, like some of his expressions, such as the infamous eye crinkle expression. He really is like his father. He's stubborn and can be a brat at times. I bet if I didn't have him, I would have committed suicide. I am sure I would have, but I am happy, in a bittersweet way. Little Haru, our son, is the only reason I am here. I would have followed him into death.
I also remember how we first got together. It was weird, to have feelings for your sensei; I thought it was a one-sided feeling. However, I was wrong. I was twenty years old, at a bar, trying to break away my loneliness. Kakashi was there as well, but we were not sitting together at that point. I was drinking a strong liquor, and I glanced over and saw Kakashi in the corner. He waved (and smiled, while reading that goddamn book), and I did the same. The night went on, and I drank some more, becoming quite inebriated. Around one o'clock in the morning, I decided I needed to get home, so I stumbled out the door. I was about to fall on my face, when an arm cradled around my body, preventing me from the fall. I turned around and saw Kakashi-sensei. He said something, but in my drunken stupor it might have well been in gibberish. He gave me a sympathetic look, or what I thought was a sympathetic look. I gazed up on his face, and unable to think of anything intellectual, I blurted out, "Kakashi, I love you." His face, well, his eye, showed a series of emotions: confusion, disbelief, and a passion. Seeing this, I muttered an apology and I was out of line, but midway through, I felt his lips met mine. It was soft. It was the perfect kiss. And I melted.
Those months we were together were perfect. I wish the others knew. I wish I could've shared my happiness with Naruto, Sasuke (though, I doubt he care much), Ino, Tsunade, everyone. However, both of us knew that it would not be well received by the masses. We'd be criticized and humiliated. It would call a lot unnecessary attention onto us. There would be questions about when this happened. Kakashi would be called a pedophile and a pervert. I would be viewed as a whore, a tart. They would ruin our happiness. The village would ruin our relationship. There would be no more sitting under a tree with my head in his lap, whilst he read his Icha Icha books. I would be standing in the kitchen making us breakfast, while he snuck up behind me and gave me a hug and kissed my neck. That would be no more if the village found out.
He left for the mission in the winter when I was four months pregnant. He said to me he would be back by the time spring would be in bloom. And to see the birth of his child. I kept myself cloistered in our apartment, waiting for his return, growing ripe with our child. I left to go shopping and work at the hospital. People often questioned me about who the father was, but I often just changed the subject without the person realizing it. It was hard to do at times, especially with someone perceptive like Sasuke, or nosy like Ino. It worked out though.
The snowy winter soon turned into the gentle rains of spring, which brought forth the tulips. And I waited patiently. I kept trying to pry information from Tsunade about his mission and was there any news about it. She often asked why was I cared, but I skirted that subject of why. It was five months since he left, and I went into labor. It was ten hours of pain and horror, and being a kunoichi, that tends to be in my job description, but this was different. I was bringing another human life into this world. I was bringing Kakashi's child into this world. It scared me. I think I would much rather fight a difficult battle than have a child. When our child was brought into the world, I held Haru in my arms. I felt so overjoyed. I named him Haru, because he was born in the spring his father was going to return home. Of course, as soon as everyone saw the child, they immediately knew who the father was.
Tsunade was the first to put the pieces together soon after the delivery. Her first words was along the lines, "This is Kakashi's child, isn't it?" I nodded, while playing with my little son's hands. Her face was of shock, then it seemed to soften a bit. Tsunade seemed to understand. It was a relief, to have someone comprehend this situation, to not keep this secret. She congratulated me on the birth of my son, and left. All of my friends came to the hospital room to see little Haru, all seeming happy for me. I was so overjoyed that the scenarios that ran through my head before having this child was wrong. The village seemed happy for me and my child, and most likely Kakashi when he came back from his mission.
Days and weeks seem to blur together when you have a child, especially an unruly, fussy one like little Haru. Even though I was busy, I still thought of Kakashi every day and night. At night, I prayed that he would return to Haru and me, especially Haru. I wanted him to be happy and have both parents around to care for him, but I guess that wasn't possible. I suppose that I was meant to only have Haru by my side.
It was a midsummer eve when an ANBU came to my door, requesting that I see Tsunade. I didn't think much of it to be honest. I assumed it was to wake her up and go home after drinking too much. I took Haru with me, because I didn't want to leave him alone (even though Naruto told me he gladly take care of Haru for me). I carried Haru while I walked to the Hokage tower. Everything seemed normal, except when I open the door to her office, I knew something was off. Tsunade was sober! At this time of night she was usually getting a buzz. I held Haru closer to my chest and started stroking back out of nervousness. Tsunade looked at me with those sad eyes. Damn, this was not going to be good; it probably had something to do with Kakashi. I started asking, "Is Kakashi back? I want him to see his son, Haru," by that point I was rambling and starting tear up. Tsunade sighed and looked away from the both of us. "Kakashi is dead. He was found just inside the border of Fire. He fought valiantly for safety of this village. I'm so sorry Sakura," Tsunade finished, looking more drained after saying that spiel. I stood there dumbfounded, rocking Haru in my arms. It seemed he knew what was up, he started being fussy midway Tsunade's talk. I stuttered a somewhat coherent sentence about how he can't be dead, he's an elite jounin, and started crying so hard it shook my frame. Tsunade explain that he died of kunai wound, which hit in the femoral artery. Also, his funeral was going to be in three days.
I left her office and staggered home. I placed Haru in his crib and lulled him to sleep. I left Haru's room and sat on a chair in the living room. I cried with every fiber of my being. I yelled at him, like it would any good, about he was suppose to be here with me and his child. He promised he'd be back by the time the spring flowers would be blooming. It was already the heat of summer! Why did he have to leave me? Why did have to be him? I would've taken his place in death if it was possible. He promised me he'd come back home to me! He promised to be a good father to Haru. But… But, everything fell apart. I was now a single mother. I was now alone to raise Haru. I hated this world, this village, everything with the shinobi way. They took my Kakashi way from me. They took my hope of having a perfect family. Of us growing old together. The moment Kakashi was killed, it washed away all of my dreams. Still, I cried. I cried for my own selfish self; I cried for Haru, who no longer has a father, a living father. I cried for hours after receiving the news. I cried until the day broke over the horizon.
I shut myself in my apartment until it was his funeral. I hadn't slept or ate during that time. I did fix myself up for his funeral. I tried looking refreshed, but I felt horribly aged and bitter beyond my twenty years. Haru was crying during the whole funeral, which warranted us a lot of sad eyes. I couldn't stop crying either. Towards the end of the funeral, I passed out. I awoke in the hospital to the bleeping sounds of the machines. I heard people outside my door, one which sounded like Tsunade. She was telling the others my conditions are fine, well, except my emotional condition was far from stable. The rest I didn't hear, the lull of the machines, which woke me, had put me asleep. I tried fighting sleep, because I was worried about Haru, but the warmth of sleep wrapped around me.
I left the hospital a couple days after Kakashi's funeral. After that, I dedicated myself to Haru and my job at the hospital. Soon the months passed by, and Haru was being to learn words and walk. He seemed to be growing like a weed, too. Haru never ceased to amaze me. He was my pride and joy. He was my everything.
Soon a year had passed. The cool spring air soon turned into oppressive, sticky summer air. We arrived at the memorial, and I touched the stone etching of his name. I started crying all over again like the day I was told he was dead. It soon started to drizzle, and I couldn't care less.
Everything seemed so surreal and dreamy this past year, like this is just some horrible nightmarish joke my mind was playing on me. I keep telling myself I'll wake up in his arms and realize this was all a horrible dream. However, that day never will never come. I still am having a hard time adjusting. Even though our relationship was just a few fleeting months, I will never forget him. He will be my cherished memory, the only man that I will ever love. No one else, not even Sasuke, will compare. Kakashi was my one and only.