No regrets
By Carla
DISCLAIMERS: The X-Men belong to Marvel and Joe Quesada is God.
Emma Grace Frost had never pictured herself as a mother.
Truth be told, she had never pictured herself as much more than the White Queen, although she had to admit that being a teacher had been one of the most wonderful experiences in her life. Still, this was a whole different kind of game.
She held out her hands so that the young child in front of her could take them. Megan slowly managed to stand up with her mother's help, laughing as the fluffy mattress moved beneath her little feet. Megan tried to give a tiny step, but soon felt back on her bottom. The little girl laughed and Emma thanked heavens once again that she had such a good-natured baby.
How that had happened, she would never know… Megan certainly hadn't gotten it from her… or him.
"She's back, Scott. We all knew she would be back."
"Emma…"
"Don't bother, love."
"I love you… I wasn't lying… I'm in love with you."
"I know. But you're also in love with her." Emma sighed as Scott bowed his head. She loved Scott Summers with all her heart – yes, surprise, she had a heart – and there was nothing she wanted more than to grow old with him. But she was smart enough to know that wasn't happening and proud enough not to beg.
"I don't know what to do, Emma." He confessed. She couldn't say she was surprised.
"Well, darling, luckily for you, I'm about to make this really easy on you."
She didn't regret it.
It had been her choice.
She had kissed Scott, told him she loved him once again and taken her leave. Her stuff had been out of his room even before the once again resurrected Jean Grey had had a chance to look for her.
She considered it cruel, that Jean had insisted to talk to her. She was Emma Frost, she recognized cruelty. She was leaving, giving Scott back to his rightful partner. She was all but admitting that the best months of her life had been a lie and that she was never meant to stay with Scott forever.
What more did the bloody Phoenix could want from her?
"You don't have to leave, Emma." Jean Grey started. Emma didn't even turn at the sound of her voice, she just kept packing her office.
"Trust me, Jean," she answered as she packed a framed picture of the Hellions, "I'm not leaving to make your life easier. I'm leaving because I want to. I like the X-Men just fine, but I think I'm kind of done with them."
"You're lying, Emma."
"I'm the White Queen, darling. When am I not lying?"
"Why do you keep trying to be smug? I'm here to talk to you."
"What do you want, Jean? Really?" Emma finally turned to face Jean, blue fire blazing in her eyes, "I'm out, alright? I'm leaving your precious Institute! I'm giving back your husband! What the hell else you want from me?"
Emma had been surprised that Jean didn't push it any further. She did remember the red-headed woman frowning, gasping and finally, leaving.
Emma cuddled Megan into her chest after her third failed attempt to stand up.
"You like a challenge, don't you Megan?"
Sometimes Emma wondered… what had scared Jean away? Why did she just leave?
"Mama." Emma loved hearing that word in the baby's silly voice. Mama. After all the hardships of her life, that word was enough to make her heart dance.
Jean had known.
That was the only explanation Emma had been able to come up with.
Jean had felt Megan's presence before Emma herself. After all, the Phoenix was life incarnated; there was no way it would be unable to feel life at its purest. Jean had felt Megan's innocent beautiful mind growing within Emma's body and had recoiled, realizing immediately who the father was.
It all seemed like a lifetime ago.
Megan moved her hand towards her mother's nose and Emma laughed at the movement, trying to move her little hand away. Megan Katherine Frost was a beautiful and healthy baby. She had light blonde hair – that to date Emma was unable to explain – and blue eyes, just like her mother. But when she smiled, she could see her beloved clearly in her face. She was a determined baby, stubborn and always trying to improve – she was a Summers.
And she didn't even know it.
She never meant to keep this from Scott. She would have been more than happy to have him as her daughter's father. Whatever else was true, Emma was still very much in love with Scott Summers, and wanted him to be happy. In a twisted way, that was the reason she had never told him about Megan.
Everything between her and Scott had always been twisted.
She hadn't realized she was pregnant until she had arrived to England, after deciding to put some space between her and anything doing with an "X". She had been shocked, terrified, but nonetheless excited.
She was pregnant with the child of the man she loved, even if she no longer had him.
She had toyed with the idea of telling him immediately, calling him to inform him that he was going to be a father. But it was too soon, she wasn't ready to hear his voice again. She didn't want to have long talks about them raising a child together even if they weren't together. She didn't want anyone's pity and she really didn't want Jean Grey anywhere near her or her baby.
She had been selfish and she knew it.
Soon, she had decided that she needed to do right by her child and had set her mind to call Scott when she was in her fifth month. Before she had a chance, though, she had seen it. It was a picture in the Daily Bugle. The X-Men had scored some big save and in the front page was a picture of the team, Cyclops passionately kissing Jean Grey.
Jealousy wasn't the reason she hadn't called. Neither was bitterness or revenge. That was not it. The true reason was, Scott had seemed so utterly happy… and all she had ever wanted was for Scott to be happy, even if it was not with her. Telling him about the baby would disrupt his happiness, again, and he would come crashing, again, and she didn't want to do that to him.
"I'm sorry, baby." She muttered into Megan's hair, "I'm sorry your daddy won't be around to see you turn one tomorrow." It hadn't been easy, going through pregnancy and childbirth without Scott. Alone. Still, the moment the doctor had laid a crying bundle on her chest, all had suddenly seemed worth it.
Emma had gambled her heart and fallen in love with the wrong man. Even though she had crashed and burned, she had gotten something out of it. Her daughter was the most important thing in the world to her and even if she could never kiss Scott again, she could kiss Megan good-night every single night and that was enough.
It had to be enough.
xx XX xx
Scott Summers ran his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he had been unable to break even into adulthood. He looked at the elegant building in front of him, situated into a pretty upscale neighborhood in London.
He couldn't believe the crazy turn his life had taken in the last couple of days.
Then again, maybe he should be used to the sudden changes by this point.
Jean herself had given him this address, after making a general scan with Cerebra. This was where they had finally located Emma Frost, his former lover.
It was an understatement to say that he and Emma had had a difficult relationship. Still, he couldn't deny that passion had never even an issue. And even though neither of them was too quick to admit it, neither was love.
It was with Emma that Scott had finally managed to find himself. Emma wasn't scared of his dark places; if anything, she basked in them. In the sanctity of their bedroom, he didn't have to be 'Cyclops'. He needed not be the perfect X-Man, the perfect leader, the perfect husband… all those things that 'Scott Summers' would never be able to live up to.
He was just Scott and she was just Emma, and those months together, he had learned a whole lot more about himself than he had in years at the Institute. The one thing that he valued the most was learning that he needn't be ashamed by his imperfections. The only thing Emma ever expected from him was that he did his best and that he loved her.
And he had loved her.
He had been such a mess, but God, did he love her. Even if all his friends and family thought he had lost his mind, there was no denying it.
Jean had always been a touchy subject for them. Scott would always regret the way that things ended between him and his wife, and Emma would always feel like she was his second choice. Both of them were too racked up with guilt and self-destructiveness to actually find a way to put those issues to rest, and they ended up ignoring them while moving ahead with their life together.
Then Jean had come back, like they always knew she would. Emma was suddenly gone and he was back with Jean… it was like nothing had ever happened with them. Nothing was different.
Except everything was.
"Hey there, handsome." Jean smiled as his eyes fluttered open. He smiled back and kissed her good-morning. They had been back together for a whole week now, and sometimes he still had some trouble remembering that this was his life now. Him and Jean. Together again. Like it was supposed to be.
"How did you sleep?" he asked.
"Great, now that I get to sleep in your arms again." Scott said nothing as Jean stood up, wrapped in a sheet and walked to the door, "I'm bringing you breakfast!"
"You are?"
"Yes, breakfast in bed. I think we deserve it."
"That's nice. Thank you, Jean."
"What are you in the mood for? I was thinking coffee, orange juice and maybe some scrambled eggs…"
"No eggs."
"What?"
"I don't eat eggs."
"Are you kidding? You love eggs!"
"Oh!" Scott blanked for a moment, getting somber, "I… I guess…" a lump was rising in his throat, "I guess… I just don't like them anymore." He answered. Jean stood by the door for a few seconds, clearly seeing through his lie.
"That's alright, babe. We'll just do pancakes." She smiled again and left. Scott sighed, lying back on his pillow and running a hand through his hair. Why was this so difficult? If it was right, why didn't it just happen naturally?
There was just something missing…
Emma hated eggs. There was no reason, no explanation, she just flat out refused to eat them. Also, she refused to kiss Scott in the mornings if he had had eggs for breakfast, unless he brushed his teeth thoroughly. So, Scott had just decided to stop having scrambled eggs; after all, he would much rather make out with his girlfriend.
There was something missing…
Needless to say, things with Jean didn't get any better than they had been before she "died". Scott was more certain every passing day that the reason was Emma. He missed her; he was unable to fall out of love with her. But Emma had vanished and he was a married man.
Jean was a telepath, a rather powerful one at that, and Scott was sure that there was no way she couldn't feel his inner turmoil. Still, she never said anything and they stayed together for a year and a half.
He couldn't blame himself or even Jean for not been braver. They had loved each other for such a long time; they had always assumed that they would grow old together. Truth be told, neither of them knew any other way to be than together.
Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. As much as he loved Jean, he was in love with Emma and there was not denying it. As the leader of the X-Men, he was used to making hard calls and jumping into things with his eyes closed. But as a man, he had never been able to make the tough calls in his personal life.
He was done with that.
"You've come to end it, haven't you?" Jean asked without even turning as he entered her office.
"I'm sorry, Jean."
"So am I. But it isn't working. We aren't… we are not the same people anymore. Too many things have passed."
"Yeah. I… I always thought it would be us."
"I know. Me too. I love you, Slimm."
"I love you to, Redd." He smiled as Jean leaned and gave him one last kiss. They held each other for a long time after that. This was the end of an era in each of their lives and both of them were sad to let all their history go.
"You are going after Emma?" she asked when they pulled apart. She deserved to know.
"Yes. I know what you… what all of you think about her… but I love her. I need to find her." Jean sighed and Scott saw something unreadable cross through her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Scott. I should've… I would have told you. But I was so confused… and… I didn't know what to do. And then she never called, she never came back and… it was not my place and I didn't want you to hurt anymore. I'm so sorry!"
"Jean, what…?"
"Scott… Emma was pregnant when she left."
Scott had been in shock after Jean's announcement. He had gone through every single emotion known to men in about an hour. He was shocked, scared, petrified…he was mad at Jean for not telling him, he was furious at Emma for leaving, he was disgusted with himself for not knowing. Then he got excited at the prospect of been a father, but then grew concerned… why had Emma never contacted him? He trembled when the thought crossed his mind that maybe Emma hadn't kept the baby… when the thought popped into his head that maybe Emma and the baby had not survived childbirth he felt cold sweat cover his body. In the end, it was the nagging regret and shame that there was probably a baby out there without his or her daddy that occupied every second in his mind.
After he had calmed down, Jean had offered her help. They had located Emma in London, her strong signature unmistakable. Jean had smiled as she pointed to a little light besides Emma's. It was not a mutant yet… but Cerebra was registering the X-Gene.
I'm a father. Was the only thought in Scott's mind as he stood in front of the door and knocked. I'm a father, again.
xx XX xx
Emma went rigid the moment she felt his mind.
It had been such a long time since she had been near him, talked to him, touched him… it felt like forever since the last time she had been able to swim into the beauty, complexity and aloofness that was his mind…
No. she thought as she gathered Megan closer to her chest. Not now. Please, Scott… I can't survive you again…
When the knock came, she knew there was no running away. She was Emma Grace Frost, she had survived everything that was ever thrown her way… she could do this. She kissed her daughter's forehead slowly; she needed to do this.
She didn't bother to leave the baby in her crib; if Scott Summers was standing at her door, she had no doubt that he had already figured out he was a father.
She opened the door.
There he stood… his expression unsettled, his chin low, he hadn't either shaved or combed… his jeans were ratty and his shirt was rumpled.
He stood there and all she wanted to do was kiss him.
His gaze went immediately to her eyes… they seemed to lose themselves for a few minutes, neither daring to break the spell by talking. She could have stared into his ruby-quartz-protected eyes forever, but Megan grew upset at the cold and began to fuss in her arms. All of a sudden, both their eyes were settled on the little girl and it occurred to Emma that it was the first time her daughter had been in the care of both her parents.
"She doesn't like the cold." Emma whispered, and part of her couldn't believe that after almost two years, this was the very first thing she said to him. No love promise, no explanation, no recrimination… just "She doesn't like the cold."
"She's beautiful." He acknowledge, following her as she made her way slowly into her house. Emma settled herself in a comfortable sofa, Megan now calmed and dozing off in her mother's lap.
"Her name is Megan Katherine."
"Katherine for my mother?"
"Yes."
"Thank you."
"Are you… you…?"
"Jean and I are getting divorced. She… she just told me about her…"
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"I should have told you about her."
"Yes, Emma. You should have told me I had a daughter."
"While I'm acknowledging I lied to you, Scott, I'm not apologizing for making a choice in my daughter's behalf…"
"Our daughter's behalf."
"Is this how it's going to be? Are we going to fight?"
"I don't want to fight you, Emma. I… I want…"
"What, Scott? You want to not have to make a choice? I gave you that. You want to do the right thing? Is that why you're here? Yes, Megan is obviously yours. You are Scott bloody Summers, therefore you're here to make things right. To be Megan's father, to do the gentleman thing…"
"Emma…"
"Don't you dare, Scott."
"Emma.!"
"I don't want your pity. You're her father and you know it now. I won't keep her from you, but you and I…"
"She's not the only reason I'm here, Emma!"
"Yes she is."
"Read my mind!" they both stopped when they noticed Megan whimpering. Too involved in their own issues, they had forgotten the sleeping infant and had almost woken her up. Emma rose and gently laid the baby in her play penn. She took Scott's hand and pulled him into her bedroom, making sure once in there that the baby monitor was on.
"Scott…"
"Read my mind Emma. I chose wrong. I was coming for you… even before I knew about Megan, I was coming for you. I couldn't fake it anymore… I don't care what anyone else thinks, I need you back."
Emma sighed. She knew he wasn't lying, she was a telepath; he was been honest. Then why was it still so hard to believe? She hated it sometimes, how being a woman could get in the way of her being a telepath. She felt the sudden urge to convert into diamond so that she wouldn't have to deal with her emotions, but this was something she needed to do. For her. For Scott. Fot their child.
"You took your time."
"I needed to try… to do the right thing, I guess. You didn't fight for me."
"I gave you everything I was, Scott. If after that I needed to 'fight for you', then you were never mine to begin with."
"Fair enough. You opened up completely; I was the one that held back. I'm doing the fighting now. I'm doing the apologizing."
"Liar." She couldn't quite hide a small smile, "You're giving up now so we can make up and then, at a later date, you'll bite my head off for hiding the baby."
He laughed.
She had missed his laughter.
"You should have told me."
"Yes. You are in this?"
"Yes. Do you want me to…?"
"I love you. I still love you. I know I was unfair to you… but Scott, had I told you when I found out, you wouldn't be this man. You would have come back to me for Megan and forever wallow over your life. Now, you're here because you want to, because we love each other. While after all this time we both need to get to a place were we can trust each other, truthfully for the first time, I will never apologize for the father I chose for my daughter. The real you. Finally."
No more words were necessary. They had the rest of their lives to talk and explain, they still had about a thousand things to figure out. But none of that mattered for the moment. The only thing in Emma's mind was that it had been entirely too long since she had felt his lips on hers and their minds intertwine as their bodies did the same.
xx XX xx
Scott woke up when he felt the bed shift. Through hazy and sleepy eyes, he saw Emma stand up and leave the bedroom. Before he had a chance to follow, she walked back inside with a wide awake Megan in her arms.
He pushed the covers for them to get in, and allowed Emma to lie on his chest with Megan cuddled between them. Scott felt an unexpected knot in his throat.
This was his daughter.
This beautiful child that was a miniature Emma was his daughter, and she was smiling at him. She was friendly and giggled as she started climbing over his chest. For a second he panicked… his experiences with Nathan, Rachel and Nate suddenly clouding his mind and making him doubt his ability to be a father.
"You'll be fine." Emma whispered. He had to smile; he had forgotten that Emma had always loved being in his mind. He couldn't say he minded, "She likes you."
He smiled.
Emma was a telepath; when she said their daughter liked him, it was far more accurate than it was kind. She had probably picked it up from the baby's thoughts.
"I like her too."
Megan giggled as she tried to take Scott's glasses.
"Oh, no, no! Not the glasses, Meg!" he laughed as he took her chubby hands in his. She seemed puzzled for a moment, but then she was all smiles again and started a game of raising her arms with Scott still holding her hands.
"See? You're a natural with her. And I had never really called her 'Meg'…"
"I know, you don't do nicknames… I'm going to call her Meg; kind of a father and daughter thing."
"As you wish."
"Up! Up!" Megan's voice suddenly startled him.
"Ok, ok, kid. You're going up!" He lifted her in his arms and let her hover over his head for a minute before cuddling her to his chest and then lifting her up again.
"You're flying, Megan!" Emma exclaimed in a voice that was so kind and full of love that Scott was pretty sure he hadn't heard it before.
"Yes, she is… by the way, Em? Does she ever stop laughing?"
"Not really. And she's also a ball of insane energy in the mornings, so I'm truly glad you'll be fulfilling your fatherly duties at those times."
Scott smiled. Emma was NOT a morning person. He didn't mind. He had a lot of time to make up for. He pulled Megan into his chest again, but this time kissed the top of her head and tapped her nose.
The baby looked at him curiously, like she was trying to remember him. Scott was going to make sure that this child would never forget who he was.
"I'm still mad at you for keeping her from me." He said, without any edge in his voice. How could he have any when his perfect daughter was in his arms?
"I know. I'm still mad at you for staying with Jean." Emma said back calmly, tracing Megan's chubby cheeks with her slender finger.
"So, we're still going to talk about it? I want to get it right this time, Em. I want us to talk and deal; we need to, for ourselves and for Meg."
"You're right. We'll talk. Later. Right now? It's time for you to get to know your daughter."
Those two simple words made his chest swell. His daughter.
He was going to get it right this time.
They were going to get it right this time.
"Happy birthday, Megan." Emma whispered, smiling at Scott. He smiled back, thanking heavens that this was going to his life from now on.
"I love you, Emma." He kissed her lips softly, knowing he was finally were he belonged, "And I love you too." He whispered to the baby in his chest, "Daddy loves you, Meg. Happy birthday, baby."