Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Narrator: Arthur dent was an ordinary guy in an ordinary world where nothing ever happened and everything was fine until the city counsel decided to bulldoze his house to make a bi-pass. He of course didn't like this.
Arthur: GO AWAY! YOU STINK!
Arthur threw things like tomatoes and toasters at the builders.
Builder: OW! How come you have so many toasters!?
Arthur: YOU SMELL! GO AWAY!
Builder: come out of your house so we can demolish it!
Arthur: YOU SUCK!
Builder: LOOK! This has to be done!
Arthur: YOUR MUM SMELLS!
Builder: stop being so childish! The plans for the bi-pass have been on display for months! You had plenty of time to make a complaint and now it's time for you to come out.
Arthur: where were they on display?
Builder: town hall.
Arthur: never heard of it! I can't read! I don't like you!
Builder: mister dent-
Arthur: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA NO LISTENING!
Builder: you-
Arthur: LA LA LA LA LA!
Builder: I'll come and tear-
Arthur: LA LA LA LA LA!
Narrator: Just then Arthur's great friend, and probably only friend due to his immature nature and inability to say anything without telling people how much they smell, came running up the road.
Ford: THE WORLD'S GOING TO END! WAAAA!!! Oh hi Arthur! Is this were you live?
Arthur: yes. These people smell and their trying to knock it down!
Ford: what a dump! Who would even consider living in a place like this? Just let them knock it down!
Arthur: but… my house! Mine! Grr…
Ford: THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!
Arthur: DON'T CARE! My house! MINE!
Ford: will you come with me if I can get rid of the fat ugly builders or at least stall these retards?
Builder: we're standing right here!
Ford: very good! Now can you say, "I want a beer"?
Builder: ooh! Beer!
Ford: and you failed to say it so I guess I'll have to give you this trolley full of beer…
Builder: Ooh!
Ford: BY THROWING IT AT YOUR HEAD!
Ford started grabbing bottles and six packs of beer and throwing them at the builders furiously.
Ford: IT'S… THE… END… OF… THE…. WORLD!
Builder: if I believe you will you stop hurting me!?
Ford: NOT A CHANCE!
He continued to throw bottles and cans at their heads.
Builder: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Builders: AAAGGGHHH!
The builder's all ran away screaming.
Ford: hurry up and come with me Arthur!
Arthur: you suck!
Ford: don't make me throw the rest of the bottles at you!
Arthur: (Pause) You suck! ow! OK I'll come!
Ford: I didn't throw anything at you yet!
Arthur: yet?
A bottle hit him square between the eyes.
Narrator: at that moment some dolphins were showing off at water world. They were fully aware of the impending doom that faced the earth as along with the secret to a perfect curry but unfortunately they couldn't tell the human's either and I guess the world will be doomed to die never knowing what curry should taste like… how sad… how very sad…
Dolphin's squeak and clap at the audience, which translated means "you foolish humans! You are all retards that will soon be destroyed in a way best described as burning apocalyptic fury! Thankyou for all the fish except that one salmon that had been in the sun! I hate you Gerry!"
A dolphin went over to Gerry and attacked his face.
Gerry: AGH!
Then the dolphins flew out of the water and into the sky never to be seen again.
Gerry: I didn't know dolphins could fly… wait a second… that's um… that's… oh crud I'm fired… oh wait… I don't work here… oh well… OH CRUD! I'm late for work!
Narrator: somewhere out there, there is one less city with a nuclear power plant. But fortunately for Arthur it wasn't the one that Arthur was currently yelling at people how much they smell in. Unfortunately for Arthur he was still in his pyjamas with his little bunny feet and was now wandering around town with Ford yelling at people.
Arthur: YOU SMELL! I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU! YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN! YOU ALSO SMELL!
Ford: well I see you're not wasting the end of the world…
Arthur: I'm not wasting what now? YOU SMELL! YEAH I'M TALKING TO YOU FATTY!
Ford: this is quite embarrassing but everyone's about to die so I guess it doesn't matter…
Arthur: how did you know I was about to shoot them and kill them?
Ford: you're going to wha-
Arthur: DIE! YOU ALL SMELL!
Arthur whipped out a machine gun and started shooting everyone.
Ford: WHERE WERE YOU HIDING THAT!?
Arthur: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
Ford: STOP IT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
Arthur: I'M A PSYCHO!
Ford: STOP YELLING!
Arthur put away the machine guns and then ran into a nearby pub.
Arthur: DRINK!
Ford: I was just about to suggest that!
Arthur: no one cares!
Inside the bar people were peacefully enjoying their drinks and then Arthur rushes in.
Arthur: WHOA! YOU GUYS SMELL REALLY BAD! AGH! SOME MICE! KILL THEM ALL!
Ford quickly ran in after him.
Ford: don't mind him! He's just special.
Arthur: no you're the one that farted!
Ford: Please be quiet… if I'm going to die I want to do it without a headache.
Arthur: DRINKS! Bring me beer and I'll be silent!
All of a sudden there was a flash of brown and before Arthur knew it everyone had given him his drinks.
Arthur: hmm… this one smells…
He threw it over his shoulder onto an unfortunate old man.
Arthur: this one smells as well… this one too… this one doesn't! Blah! But it doesn't taste any good… this one smells…
Old man: could you NOT POOR YOUR DRINKS ON MY HEAD!
Arthur: YOU'RE OLD!
The old man hit Arthur and soon they started fighting. Ford quickly grabbed Arthur and dragged him out of the pub.
Arthur: let me go! I can beat him! Just watch me…
Ford: we've got only five minutes until the world ends!
Arthur: seriously?
Ford: Yes!
Arthur: then there's something I've always wanted to do since I met you…
Arthur hugged Ford.
Arthur: I love you buddy…
Ford: uh… WHAT? REALLY?
Arthur: no.
Arthur kicked Ford in the groin.
Arthur: SUCK! You're an idiot!
Ford: you're not listening! I'm an alien from a planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and a race of creatures called the Vogons is coming to destroy the planet!
Arthur: gasp! And they call me the retarded idiot!
Arthur ran away.
Ford: oh for… oh well… annoying loser anyway…
The Vogon ships appeared in the sky and a voice came booming down from above.
Vogon Leader: We come to destroy this pitiful planet to make way for a hyperspace express way! Don't complain to me if you didn't manage to create the technology to travel to where the plans were on display. It's not my fault! It's yours! You're all idiots! I hate you all and that is why you must ALL DIE!
Ford stuck a ring on his finger and pointed at the sky.
Ford: oh please someone pick me up… I don't want my last words to be purple monkey dishwasher!
Just then the planet exploded.
Ford: I'm alive! Yes! My last words weren't purple monkey dishwasher!
Vogon guard: he teleported on board without the proper forms! Kill him!
Before ford could utter a word he was grabbed and taken to an air lock.
Vogon guard: Resistance is useless! Resistance is useless! Resistance is-
Ford: you've already put me in the airlock! Why are you telling me now?
Vogon guard: I don't like you! You smell!
Ford: why does everyone keep telling me that?
Arthur: because you smell!
Ford: Arthur! How did you survive the destruction of the planet?
Arthur: destruction of what now?
Ford: the planet… the earth…
Arthur: what's a planet?
Ford: um… o… k… how do I break this easily to you?
Arthur: break!? My home has been destroyed!
Ford: along with everyone else's.
Arthur: do I look like I care about anyone else?
Ford: well we have to get out of here before they flush us out into space!
Arthur: before who does what?
Narrator: Before Ford could even begin to attempt to explain what was about to happen, it did. Arthur and Ford were flushed into the vacuum of space and drifted onwards as a large book appeared and started talking about space and probability. Space. It's big. So big you can fit someone's mother in it and you would still have space left to fit someone else's mum! I know it's hard to believe but I swear it's true! Try it wherever a universe can be found!
Just when Arthur and Ford was about to die a spaceship appeared and they were instantly teleported aboard.
Tricia: We have some hitchhikers!
Zaphod: can we kill them?
Tricia: that's um… illegal everywhere in the universe…
Zaphod: please?
Tricia: no!
Zaphod: what if I just hit them a bit then poke them in them in the face for a bit?
Tricia: uh… you can just skip to the poking… not in their eyes!
Marvin: don't just ignore me! I hate you all!
Zaphod: I hate you too!
Tricia: stop it! You know his feelings are delicate!
Zaphod: I wish his skull were delicate so the beer bottles I constantly throw at him will break his face!
Marvin: why don't you drink the beer before you throw at me instead of after! I'm the one that has to clean your spit off the floor!
Zaphod: why don't you shut up!
Marvin: because I'm not program-
Zaphod: shut up!
Zaphod threw a beer bottle at Marvin.
Tricia: Zaphod! Stop it! Marvin! Go get the hitchhikers!
Marvin walks off to the receiving bay.
Marvin: I'm feeling depressed…
Zaphod: and I feel my repressed anger coming back faster then you're leaving!
Marvin ran way.
A door opened and made a sighing noise.
Arthur: did that door just sigh?
Ford: yes…
Arthur: hmm… this smell…
Ford: oh for…
Arthur: I… like this smell! oooh!
Ford: YES! FINALLY!
Marvin: I've got a gun…
Ford: and I have… a towel!
Marvin: oh ye gad! Run away! Aaaggghhh!
Marvin ran away screaming.
Arthur: why do you have a towel?
Ford: I always have a towel… remember when we met?
Arthur thought back to the day they met…
Ford: agh! Cars! They're everywhere! Stay back! I have… a towel!
Ford started waving his towel madly at passing traffic and yelling.
Arthur: oh my gosh! A towel!
Ford: yeah I know! Cool innit?
Arthur: I love you towel…
Arthur hugged the towel.
Ford: ok um… just let go now…
Arthur: no…
Ford: my towel… mine… um… MY TOWEL!
Ford yanked the towel away from Arthur.
Arthur: if you be my friend I promise I won't cry…
Ford: uh… I don't really have a choice do I?
Arthur: no… ha ha ha ha ha…
Ford: do I have to do anything?
Arthur: not smell… you have to not smell…
Arthur: yeah… I remember it like it was yesterday…
Ford: it was…
Arthur: that would explain it then…
Ford: yes I'm sure it would…
Arthur: what now? You scared that nice smelling robot away!
Ford: well I guess we could go in the same direction that he ran away in…
Arthur: that's a stupid idea! If we just go in the opposite direction that he went then we will catch up to him twice as fast!
Ford: that's not-
Arthur: LA LA LA LA LA
Ford: but-
Arthur: LA LA LA LA LA
Ford: OK! We'll go the opposite direction!
A minute later they walked through a door and saw Zaphod trying to strangle Marvin.
Zaphod: I'll show you to tell me where the bathroom is!
Marvin: but you asked!
Zaphod: I don't care what I asked! I want to kill you!
Arthur: hi!
Ford: how did we get here? Shouldn't he have gone?
Ford pointed in several directions with a concerned look on his face.
Ford: but then… so… how did you know we would end up here Arthur?
Arthur: where's here?
Tricia: Arthur! I'm so glad to see you!
Arthur: why?
Tricia: wait… yeah who cares about you? I'm not glad to see you…
Tricia walks away.
Arthur: what? Aw!
Zaphod: Ford!
Ford: Zaphod!
Zaphod: Ford!
Ford: Zaphod!
Zaphod: Ford!
Ford: Zaphod!
Zaphod: Ford!
Ford: Zaphod!
Arthur: me!
Zaphod: shut up!
Arthur: make me!
Zaphod: why are you here Ford?
Ford: Zaphod!
Zaphod: ok stop that now…
Ford: sorry… I'm here because Earth sorta… blew up…
Zaphod: oh and it was all my fault! I signed the order and killed billions of people! Look at me! I killed lots of people!
Zaphod started dancing.
Tricia: do you have to celebrate about it? It's hard enough knowing I'll never see my pet dog again…
Zaphod: what about your family? Your mother and father and cousins and relatives and friends and everyone you knew?
Tricia: I had friends?
Arthur: be my friend!
Tricia: no!
Just then a bunch of Vogon ships appeared out of hyperspace right behind the ship.
Zaphod: ooh! Shiny flashing lights!
Tricia: we're all going to die!
Arthur pressed the big blue button and activated the improbability drive.
Tricia: Arthur! You saved us all!
Arthur: you mean that wasn't the selfdestruct button? Aw! I can never do anything right…
Zaphod: that's because you're a retard!
Zaphod threw a beer bottle at Marvin.
Marvin: I'm feeling really depressed right now…
Zaphod: so… much… anger…
Tricia: um… which planet are we currently orbiting?
Zaphod turned to the screen.
Zaphod: Humma Cavula!
Tricia: that's a planet?
Zaphod: no… it's a guy I beat up once… then he tried to get back at me becoming the president of the galaxy… I beat him again… then I was elected president… then I beat him again… and again…
Tricia: so if you beat him and became president why are you bringing us into the planet's atmosphere with that mad look on your face?
Zaphod: me want to… beat him… AGAIN!
Ten minutes later.
Tricia: well I guess we could… buff that dent out…
Ford: but what about all those other… holes in the ship…
Zaphod: look! I you don't like my driving then you should live in an alternate universe where I died at the age of five!
Ford: why five?
Zaphod: I started driving when I was five!
Zaphod marched off in the direction of a building and Arthur and Tricia followed him. Ford on the other hand went off to the nearest pub.
Ford: must get… DRUNK! Must forget… TROUBLES! Must have an excuse to talk… WEIRD!
Narrator: the strange thing about this planet is it is inhabited by beings that are stranger than Arthur. They had 50 arms and had invented the aerosol can before the wheel… in fact… they haven't even invented the wheel yet… you see… they're retards… and then there's a race of people that believe that the universe was sneezed out of the nose of a giant being… they're also retards.
Zaphod barged into a church and started yelling.
Zaphod: HUMMA CAVULA! HUMMA! HUMMA! What? OH! Sorry to interrupt your moment of silence for those who have fallen! HUMMA!
Humma: what now stupid?
Zaphod: don't call me a stupid! I show you who's stupid! Two plus two is four! Yeah... bet you didn't know that…
Humma: what's two time's three?
Zaphod: um… just give me a second… I just have to… I just have to think for just a few… minutes… uh… seven?
Humma: no.
Zaphod: Ha! It is! I know it is!
Tricia: it's six.
Zaphod: and… um… I knew that as well… it's six or seven… it can be both!
Tricia: no it can't!
Humma: why are you here Zaphod?
Zaphod: um… good question… one that can only be answered in song… look… if you had… one shot… to sit on your lazy butt… and watch all the TV you ever wanted… until your brain turned to mush… would you go for it… or just let it slip? Yo. Remote is ready. Eyes wide, palms are sweaty.
Humma: what… are you doing?
Zaphod: singing. Shush. There's Flintstones on the TV already. Wilma 'n' Betty.
Humma: get to the point.
Zaphod: I need co-ordinates for Magrathea.
Tricia: since when have we been trying to get to Magrathea?
Zaphod: since five seconds ago now shush! The sound of your voice buries deep into my skull…
Tricia: what?
Zaphod: and it's like a worm and my brain is like "oh hi worm! Why are you looking at me like that?" then the worm is all like "yo dude. I'm like going to bury into you and cause pain! Dude!" and then my brain is like "oh no! Please don't bury yourself into me! No! Oh I'm in pain!" and then-
Tricia: what are you on about?
Zaphod: like "HA HA HA! I am a worm! Fear me! I am the personification of evil and Tricia's voice! MWA HA HA HA!" and it hurts me when you talk…
Tricia: Shut up!
Humma: could you just join me after the service?
Zaphod: no! I'm leaving!
Tricia: what about the co-ordinates?
Zaphod: What about them?
Tricia: you wanted them.
Zaphod: why would I want anything that isn't s steamy hot uh… steak… can't say too much in front of young minds like yours Arthur.
Arthur: Humma smells!
Zaphod: so he does son… so he does…
After the church service had ended Zaphod met Humma in what appeared to be a fancy dining room.
Zaphod: nice dining room.
Humma: this isn't a dining room… it's my bedroom. It just has a large table in the middle of it because I don't have a bed to sleep on…
Zaphod: right… ok… MAGRATHEA! Gimme co-ordinates!
Zaphod launched himself at Humma but didn't judge the distance and landed on the table. Humma was not amused and lifted himself off his seat and small metal legs reached from his legs to the table. He walked over to Zaphod and kicked him in the face.
Humma: you are in idiot.
Zaphod: I know what two plus two is! You can't prove I'm stupid!
Humma: what's one times one?
Zaphod: uh… just ah… um… it's… oh… two?
Humma: wrong.
Zaphod: I'll shoot you!
Humma: you don't have a gun.
Zaphod: um… Tricia will shoot you!
Tricia: no I won't!
Humma: she doesn't have a gun either.
Zaphod: oh yes she does… she's just hiding it…
Humma: where?
Tricia: hey! I'm right here you know!
Zaphod: you know I've never found out…
Tricia: I don't have a gun!
Zaphod: prove it!
Tricia: if I had a gun I would shoot you now…
Zaphod: run for your lives!
Tricia: I don't have a gun!
Arthur: I do!
Arthur pulled out two large machine guns.
Zaphod: now where were you hiding those!?
Arthur: you don't want to know!
Zaphod: yes I do! Why won't anyone tell me where people put their guns? I can never find I good place to hide them!
Arthur threw the guns away.
Humma: I will give you co-ordinates to Magrathea if you get me one thing in return.
Zaphod: yes? What is it?
Arthur: where am I? I still don't know…
Tricia: I don't have a gun… wish I did… want to kill Zaphod…
Humma: I want… a guitar.
Arthur: oh ok. Here you go!
Arthur handed him a guitar.
Humma: uh… where were you hiding this?
Arthur: you don't want to know…
Humma: same place as the machine guns?
Arthur: no…
Humma: uh… ok… but I want a special guitar… one that is on Magrathea.
Zaphod: I'll get you the guitar if you just give me the co-ordinates… he he he…
Humma: what will I get in return to make sure you come back?
Zaphod: blast! My greatest plan ever and it fails!
Humma: what a stupid plan… you didn't honestly think I would give you the co-ordinates that easily would you?
Zaphod: uh… um… no…
Humma: good… now what should I take?
Zaphod's second head popped up.
Zaphod: please not me! Don't take me!
Humma: why would I do something so stupid as that? That would just make you even dumber. I want… your yo-yo… duh duh duh!
Zaphod: take my head! Anything! But not my yo-yo!
Humma: too bad! You want to go to Magrathea you have to give me your yo-yo!
Zaphod: just a second… I want some time alone with it… my precious…
Zaphod turned away from everyone and start talking to his yo-yo that was now resting in his hand.
Zaphod: I'm sorry yo-yo… but there's no other way… don't say that! You know I wouldn't do this if it weren't for how important this is to me! Don't you ever say that about my mother again! I know that was full of chocolate! Yes I'm sorry for that as well… don't make this harder than it has to be!
Arthur: I have the same relationship with ten of my fifty toasters…
Tricia: I don't even want to know…
Arthur: and with my bedroom floor…
Tricia: LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!
Arthur: LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!
Tricia: what are you doing?
Arthur: LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING!
Zaphod: ok… here's the yo-yo now give me the co-ordinates.
Humma: ok… but don't forget that I want that guitar!
Zaphod: like I could forget! (Cries) I'll be back yo-yo!
Tricia: ok. Lets go now…
They left the building and were instantly shot at by a bunch of Vogons.
Tricia: what the? Why are they shooting at us?
Zaphod: um… they think I've been kidnapped…
Tricia: why did you fail to mention that?
Zaphod: fail? No. I just forgot.
Tricia: you forgot that you faked your kidnapping?
Zaphod: yes… what? What's so unbelievable about that?
Arthur: YO VOGONS! YOU SMELL!
Tricia: Arthur!
Arthur: Tricia!
Ford: AGH! Lasers!
Zaphod: Ford! Where did you come from?
Ford: the pub! I'm a bit… drunk… ish… drunkish… ha ha ha!
Arthur: you smell!
Ford: you… you can't tell me that! I don't care if there's… two of you… two… count them… two…
Arthur and Zaphod: um… one… one… three… seven?
Ford: he he he! You're idiots! Ha ha ha!
Tricia grabbed Zaphod and pointed two of her fingers at his head to resemble a gun.
Tricia: seeing how everyone so far has been an idiot I guess these Vogons will be too… I've got the president! If you don't let us go I'll kill him!
Vogons: oh no! Let her go!
Tricia walked through the crowd of Vogons towards the ship while Ford and Arthur ran ahead.
Tricia: oh great… I'm the only one here that's smart enough to know that this isn't a gun…
Vogon: it isn't a gun! Get her!
Tricia: oh fish sticks…
The Vogons grabbed Tricia and dragged her away while Zaphod ran into the ship and flew away.
Marvin: oh very nice. I just finish fixing the ship for my get away and you people appear! I'm feeling really depressed now…
Zaphod: buttons! Buttons! Buttons!
Marvin: those are not toys!
Arthur: Toys! Toys! Toys!
Marvin: NO! NO! NO! NO! BAD RETARD! BAD!
Arthur: you suck!
Marvin: oh now you've wrecked the navigation system!
Eddie: if I weren't programmed to be happy I would kill you now!
Arthur: agh! It talks!
Eddie: that's what I was thinking when you first boarded me!
Ford: um… it's not… blah…
Ford threw up in a nearby bin.
Arthur: but… Tricia! Must go after her!
Eddie: you should have thought of that before you broke me!
Arthur: thought? What is thought?
Eddie: if you want to rescue her you're just going to have to use the escape pod! It's fun and easy to use!
The red escape pod violently launched out of the ship, inside of it everyone was arguing on how to actually drive the thing.
Ford: that button! That one!
Zaphod: oh my poor yo-yo!
Arthur: one at a time! You're going too fast!
Marvin: you're all idiots…
Ford: no not that button!
Computer: selfdestruct initiated!
Arthur: ooh!
Ford: agh no!
Zaphod: No! No! No!
Arthur: oh goodie! Button!
Marvin: I hate you all…
Zaphod: for the love of all things holy just push that button!
Arthur: no! We all die now!
Ford: I think I'm going to be sick…
Marvin: and you all hate me so I don't care if we die…
Arthur: we're all going to die!
Computer: four… three… two…
Ford: button! Button! Button!
Arthur: button?
Computer: selfdestruct cancelled.
Arthur: no!
Ford: Yes!
Zaphod: my yo-yo!
Marvin: I'm feeling very depressed…
Ford: now you have to press that button! NO! THAT BUTTON!
Arthur: AGH! AGH! AGH!
Zaphod: NO IT'S THAT BUTTON!
Arthur: AGH! AGH! AGH!
Ford: THE BUTTON! THE BUTTON!
Narrator: the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy clearly states on its back "DON'T PANIC!" Arthur has never read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy and wouldn't even if he could read. So he wouldn't know that the standard type of escape pod doesn't have a selfdestruct button. And if we knew why the escape pod had nearly exploded we would understand a lot more about the universe. But we don't.
A few hours later after Ford had sobered up and taken the wheel they had eventually crashed on the planet Vogsphere.
Ford: ok. Now which way to where they keep the hostages?
Zaphod: I have an idea!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and broke on his head.
Zaphod: ow! Why did that happen?
Ford: maybe… it's because…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: ow! Why is always hitting me?
Arthur: um… uh… it could be… because… uh…
Ford: because it's designed to-
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: ok… I need an idea to stop this… um… oh!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Ford: well I think I have an idea…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Arthur: it could be… Uh… it is… um… yeah… um…
Ford: and I just got an idea for a book…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Ford: no… that's a bad idea… I know!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Arthur: is it… is it because… um…
Ford: because it's designed to stop people from getting ideas?
Arthur: I was going to say because no one likes Zaphod…
Zaphod: hey! Now how to get back at whoever is doing this… gasp!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: Blast!
Ford: if no one gets and ideas Zaphod doesn't get hurt.
Arthur: ooh! Why don't we… go to… there and rescue… Tricia!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: I'll kill you!
Arthur: how?
Zaphod: um…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Ford: maybe if we run nothing will hit Zaphod!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: run away!
Zaphod ran away while Arthur and Ford stood there.
Arthur: why are we waiting?
Ford: just wait… and… now…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again. Zaphod tripped over and hit the ground.
Zaphod: OW! I hate you!
Ford: ha ha ha… ok now lets go…
Marvin: I'll stay here if it's ok with you…
Ford: oh no you don't! I'm taking your arm with me!
Marvin: why?
Ford: it's uh… not important for you to know…
Marvin: I hate you… I'm so depressed… take my arm! I've only got two…
Ford: so have I… so have I…
Marvin: right… here's your stinking arm… I'm going back to fix the escape pod and hopefully before you come back this time…
Ford: you do that…
Ford, Arthur and a now very badly brain damaged Zaphod walked to the city of giant grey buildings.
Arthur: now what?
Ford: maybe if we…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Ford: sorry. Into that grey building!
They walked into the building and inside there was a long line of aliens waiting to for service.
Arthur: aw! This line is too long!
Ford: for once I agree with you…
Arthur: I have an idea!
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: Ow! Inside as well? What the!?
Arthur pulled out two machine guns, again, and shot everyone in the queue.
Arthur: YOU ALL SMELL! DIE!
Ford: where were you hiding those?
Arthur: you don't want to know!
Vogon girl: ok. What do you want? Gasp! The president!
Zaphod: yeah that's me baby. You're looking… um… quite hideous… never change…
Vogon girl: oh he's such a charmer…
Ford: he just called you hideous!
Vogon girl: he certainly did…
Ford: uh… yeah… we're here to rescue a friend of ours. Tricia.
Vogon girl: you need to fill in those forms over there.
Arthur: can I shoot her?
Ford: yes.
Arthur: yay! Encouraged violence!
Arthur shot the Vogon.
Ford: wait… now how we supposed to rescue her!?
Zaphod: um… maybe if we…
A beer bottle fell from the sky and hit Zaphod again.
Zaphod: why does that always happen to only me!?
Ford: do you want me to think of an idea why?
Zaphod: NO! No!
Arthur had wandered off and opened a door. Inside there was a Vogon in front of a computer screen and Tricia on the other end.
Vogon: do you have another home planet?
Tricia: no! For the last time no! Why do you keep asking me that question? Are you thick or something?
Vogon: yes. So what if I am? It doesn't make me any less of a person!
Tricia: Vogon.
Vogon: Vogon.
Tricia: uh… oh look! Arthur's here! He's um… my ride… sorry to leave so soon but I have to go. Bye!
Arthur: ride? Huh? ALL YOU VOGON'S SMELL!
Arthur shot the Vogon and ran away with Tricia. Zaphod and Ford stopped attending to Zaphod's wounds and followed.
Arthur: do you think shooting people is illegal here?
Tricia: killing people is illegal everywhere in the universe!
Arthur: run faster!
Arthur threw the machine guns away and ran faster than everyone else. He ran into the escape pod and start pressing buttons.
Marvin: give me back my arm!
Arthur: give me ice cream!
Marvin: I would rather die!
Arthur: I still have a few machine guns hidden! Do you want me to shoot you?
Ford, Tricia and Zaphod ran through the door.
Ford: do you think they know that you killed dozens of people yet Arthur?
Arthur: let's hope not!
Tricia threw Arthur away from the controls and started the ship up.
Marvin: where's my arm Ford?
Ford: what arm? I don't see any arm! You can't prove anything!
Marvin: I know you have my arm. I can see it there in your hand!
Ford: oh this arm! Oh… oh… yeah… you can have this arm… ha ha… ha ha… ha…
Marvin: right… ok then…
The escape pod exited the atmosphere and re-entered the ship. Zaphod ran to the controls and entered the co-ordinates of Magrathea and activated the infinite improbability drive.
Eddie: oh and wouldn't you know! I've just turned into an elephant!
Arthur: then… where are we!?
Ford: I think… we're in the…
The ship returned to a ship and a broadcast came from the planet.
Hologram: hello! You have found our secret planet! We're now sending you something as a warning never to be alive again! How dare you live and be here at the same time! RAGH! I'M EVIL!
A pie landed on the windscreen.
Zaphod: they're throwing pies at us!
Arthur: oh no! Not pies!
Zaphod: the horror! Oh why do they waste pies like this!?
Tricia: oh brother…
Arthur: we must escape! Before more pies die in vain!
Zaphod: I don't know how to fly the ship!
Arthur: NO! Pies oh pies! Were art thou pies!?
Tricia grabbed Zaphod and flung him away from the controls. She then grabbed the steering joystick and took them closer to the planet.
Arthur: think of the pies!
Tricia: I am! They're going to a better place! Zaphod! How did you get outside the ship?
Zaphod was climbing on the windscreen from the outside trying to get to the pies.
Zaphod: I need to save the pies!
Tricia: fine!
The hologram came back.
Hologram: I see you're not a big fan of pies… shame on you… because you did not stop to safe the lives of innocent pies I'll just blow you up! WITH MISSILES! AH HA HA HA HA! I'M A PSYCHOTIC HOLOGRAM!
Tricia: oh great…
Two nuclear missiles appeared and headed straight for the ship. Tricia quickly took evasive action and narrowly avoided hitting them.
Tricia: if only there was a way out of this!
Just then Zaphod was reaching for the last pie on the windscreen when she turned sharply and it went flying off and hit one of the missiles. The missile exploded instantly and took the second one with it.
Tricia: we're saved!
Arthur: but the pie died! (Cries)
Tricia: oh grow up!
Arthur: no! You're not the boss of me! Go away! I'm tired! I think I'll lie down for a second!
Arthur sat down and went to sleep. Just then a sperm whale appeared at the window and started to fall.
Tricia: uh… why is there a sperm whale outside?
Zaphod came through the door.
Zaphod: I couldn't save… the pies! (Cries)
Tricia: there's a whale outside!
Zaphod: the pies! The pies!
Tricia: the whale! The whale!
Narrator: no one knows why a sperm whale all of a sudden came into existence above the planet but as it fell it started to think. But not about much because one. It's a whale and two. It only had a few seconds before it went SPLAT on the ground and died.
Once on the ground they couldn't see anything of interest. The planet was a frozen wasteland where nothing could live.
Zaphod: well this sucks…
Tricia: could someone please remind me why I am leading you guys across the galaxy?
Ford: because those two aren't capable of intelligent thought let alone unintelligent thought.
Arthur: what is thought? Why won't you tell me!?
Ford: because you wouldn't understand!
Arthur: you smell!
Tricia walked off in the direction of three cylinders that lay horizontal in the ground.
Tricia: hey Ford! What do you think these do?
Ford: maybe they're portals to another dimension!
Slartibartfast: that's a stupid idea! You're all idiots!
Tricia: how did you know and where did you come from?
Slartibartfast: those are just modern art! Come this way if you want to actually get anywhere of importance.
Zaphod: we're looking for… a guitar!
Slartibartfast: what's a guitar?
Zaphod: uh…
Tricia: you know originally we wanted to see deep thought. Don't ask me why. Zaphod never told me.
Zaphod: deep thought? Oh! Deep thought! I thought you said something else! It would have been stupid because I've already seen… that… other thing I thought you said…
Tricia: what did you think I said?
Zaphod: I'll tell you later.
Slartibartfast: well follow me and I'll show you to it.
Arthur: you smell!
Slartibartfast: I'm guessing you don't want to see deep thought?
Arthur: NO! Me want fire!
Slartibartfast: right… ok… I'll just show you something else… something more interesting.
Slartibartfast led them away from the modern art and to a door standing in the middle of nowhere. He opened it and ushered Zaphod, Ford and Tricia into it then closed it. He then opened it again and led Arthur through.
Zaphod fell from the sky onto a stone platform closely followed by Ford and Tricia. Tricia stood up and walked off the two and looked around. They were now in a jungle with a huge square metal head resting on a huge arm.
Tricia: I guess that's deep thought.
Zaphod: get… off… me…
Ford: oh ye gad! I thought you were a rug!
Zaphod: get off me!
Ford jumped to his feet and Zaphod struggled to get up while catching his breath.
Tricia: come on you two! We must ask deep thought something that you still haven't told me about.
Zaphod: not now! I feel so dirty…
Zaphod brushed his jacket with his hands.
Zaphod: still not clean… still not clean…
They walked up to deep thought.
Zaphod: OH… deep… thought… have you calculated the question of life… the universe… and everything?
Deep thought: NO! Go away! You smell!
Tricia: why does it sound like Arthur?
Deep thought: shut up! I don't like you!
Zaphod: but deep-
Deep thought: SHUT…. UP…
Zaphod: huh?
Deep thought: I want to watch cartoons! Go away!
Bugs Bunny: eh, what's up doc?
Ford: I don't think we're going to get anything out of him… her… it…
Deep thought: I CAN STILL SMELL YOU!
Ford: you don't have a nose!
Deep thought: um… uh… shut up! You're ugly!
Meanwhile Slartibartfast was showing Arthur all the planets he had helped design.
Slartibartfast: you see… I like doing fjords… I was always like "it need's more fjords" and everyone else was like "it's a desert" or "what are you doing in my bathroom?" and I would always just smile and start saying "fjords" continuously… fjords… fjords… fjords… fjords…
Arthur: you smell! I don't like you! You're ugly!
Slartibartfast: fjords… fjords… fjords… yes… fjords… yes. Quite… um… where were we?
Arthur: your mum smells!
Slartibartfast: are you going to keep talking like that for the rest of the tour?
Arthur: I'm on a tour? I don't like it! It's boring! You're boring!
Slartibartfast: if you're going to keep talking like that I suppose you're going to have to come with me…
Arthur: am I going to like it?
Slartibartfast: depends…
Zaphod: DEEP THOUGHT! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GREATEST COMPUTER IN EXISTENCE!
Deep thought: I am. You're mum's fat!
Zaphod: you were supposed to calculate the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
Deep thought: I did! It's 42! But "life, the universe and everything" isn't a question! So you don't understand the answer! Find the question!
Zaphod: but…
Deep thought: you stink really badly!
Zaphod: where can I learn the question?
Deep thought: you can't! You're stupid! I don't like you!
Zaphod: but-
Deep thought: the computer I designed to find the question was destroyed! It was called "Earth" and it was blown up!
Zaphod: but I blew it up… oh… crud…
Tricia: you son of a hobo! You destroyed my home and everything I held dear including my yo-yo and you destroyed your only chance to stop me from killing you where you stand!
Zaphod: gasp! My yo-yo! Deep thought! Where can we get a guitar?
Tricia grabbed Zaphod by the throat and started to strangle him.
Tricia: must… strangle… retard!
Deep thought: yay! Kill each other! Kill! Kill!
Ford: the guitar please.
Deep thought: fine… here have it…
A guitar materialised out of thin air and landed on Zaphod's head.
Tricia: the guitar!
She let Zaphod go and grabbed the guitar.
Tricia: wait… this is just an ordinary guitar! It's exactly the same as the one that Arthur had!
Deep thought: you mean someone had a guitar exactly like that guitar? Gasp! You all smell and the prophecy has been fulfilled!
Tricia: prophecy?
Zaphod: I smell?
Slartibartfast led Arthur through a door and got onto a small platform with only room for two.
Slartibartfast: get on.
Arthur obeyed and the platform moved upwards and a hole appeared in the roof. It rose through it and Arthur found himself standing in front of thousands of people.
Arthur: whoa… you guys ALL SMELL!
The crowd cheered.
Arthur: huh? YOU SUCK!
The crow cheered even louder.
Arthur: um… ok… YOU'RE ALL RETARDS!
The crowd was now hysterical.
Slartibartfast: people of Magrathea! I give you… THE CHOSEN ONE!
The crowd started screaming and yelling in excitement.
Arthur: huh? Why am I the chosen one?
Slartibartfast: long ago our race wanted to discover the answer to life, the universe and everything so we built the universes greatest computer ever assembled and called it Deep Thought. Our engineers and computer nerds were all quite happy about this achievement until we turned Deep thought on…
Computer Nerd: oh deep thought! What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Deep thought: um… you smell!
Computer Nerd: pardon?
Deep thought: you must never shower or something because you STINK REALLY BAD!
Slartibartfast: deep thought kept telling everyone that they smelled. We could barely convince it to do what we wanted. We finally convinced it to think of the answer and it did. It only took five minutes but we had been trying to get a reply that didn't involve the state of our personal hygiene or our mothers for the past seven million years!
Arthur: you SUCK!
Slartibartfast: exactly what it kept saying… fjords… fjords… fjords… then once we got the answer to life, the universe and everything we were all disappointed so we got Deep thought to design a computer to figure out the question. We had forgot that "the meaning of life, the universe and everything" is not a question. So it did and then it said that one day that there would be a man who would talk like him and would know the question. So here you are! You talk like it and you're from Earth so you must be the chosen one!
Arthur: ooh! I'm special!
Slartibartfast: exactly. Now what is the question?
Arthur: uh…
Ford: what do you mean Arthur is the chosen one?
Deep thought: I mean he doesn't smell like you! He's the one with a guitar like mine and like you said, he talks like me! He is the chosen one!
Tricia: so… now what?
Deep thought: he must be brought to me… only with my help can he be able to unlock the question that is buried in his mind! Wooooo! Scary question! Wooooooooo! You smell! Woo!
Ford: but how do we get to him?
Deep thought: maybe you could just use that door over there that says "Teleport door" above?
Ford: yes! It just might work!
They ran through the door and out next to Arthur.
Ford: Arthur!
Arthur: where!? Oh… it's me…
Ford: you have to come with us to Deep thought so it can help you unlock the question!
Slartibartfast: but deep thought never said we needed to bring him to it…
Arthur: that's because you smell!
The crowd cheers again.
Arthur followed Ford back through the door and Slartibartfast quickly ran after them.
Arthur stood before Deep thought.
Deep thought: what is the question?
Arthur's mind remained blank. Then he turned towards Tricia and smiled.
Arthur: um… the only question I can think of is… "How many years of loneliness will you have to endure until you'd go out with me?"
Tricia: 42… wait… huh? That's the question?
Deep thought: I have scanned his mind and found out that not only do you all suck! And you all smell really bad! But I also found out that this truly is the question to life, the universe and everything…
Slartibartfast: what? That's it? I was thinking more along of the lines of "What do you get when you multiply six times nine?"
Ford: well in a way it makes sense… I mean… isn't that the question on everyone's minds?
Tricia: not mine!
Ford: well maybe it's only guy's minds and some really ugly girls…
Tricia: what? You all want to put on a desert island for 42 years so I'll go out with you?
Zaphod: no. Just people in general. Not you in particular… except in Arthur's case…
Tricia: oh ye gad… Ford?
Ford: yes?
Tricia: let's take the ship and leave these people here.
Ford: gasp! You mean it!? This is… the happiest day of my life!
Tricia: well it's not mine so let's go!
Ford and Tricia ran away into the door and flew away in the ship before anyone could object.
Arthur: what now?
Slartibartfast: well… I guess you get to rule the planet now… you being the chosen one an all…
Deep thought: yes! The chosen one must rule over all! AH HA HA HA HA! YOU ALL SMELL EXCEPT THE CHOSEN ONE! AH HA HA HA!
Slartibartfast: ok… fjords… fjords… fjords… fjords… I will inform the planet… fjords... fjords…
Arthur: you smell! Go faster!
Narrator: at that very moment that Arthur had said "You smell! Go faster!" a freak wormhole had opened up in space and carried his words far into space and released them in the middle of nowhere and no one heard it. If anyone did that would of just been weird…