X Files Parody
Mulder tossed and turned in his bed. He murmured indistinctly and fell out of his bed. He hit the floor and woke up instantly.
Mulder: Where are the aliens!? Oh… I'm awake… dang… and I was close to finding the secret door to cigarette smoking guy's evil fortress of doom… one day… one day…
Mulder looked at the clock. The time was 5am.
Mulder: Gasp! I over slept! To the Mulder cave!
He leapt up and his clothes instantly changed from bunny pyjamas with feet into a business suit. He ran away with his arms stretched out in opposite directions, one pointing up past his bent head and the over towards his legs. Mulder's face zoomed up rapidly on the screen while the batman music played. When it has stopped the view returned to Mulder who was sitting on a bench in the park. Deep throat approached him.
Mulder: How did you find my Mulder cave?
Deep throat: What cave?
Mulder: Aha! Where are the aliens!?
Deep throat: What are you on about Mulder? We're in the park. Look there's a small child playing on the swings.
Deep throat pointed to the swings where a midget was swinging slowly back and forth on the swings. He had a cigarette in one hand and a knife in the other. He giggled randomly and looked in two different directions at once.
Mulder: You'd like me to think that wouldn't you?
Deep throat: If only you would… Mulder I have some bad news. Your partner has been kidnapped by a crazy psycho who has a fetish for make up.
Mulder: I have a partner?
Deep throat: Scully… remember her? Redhead?
Mulder looked puzzled.
Deep throat: FBI agent?
Mulder looked puzzled.
Deep throat: Only visible if you look down at the ground with binoculars?
Mulder: Aaaaahhhh! Shrimpy!
Deep throat: yes… shrimpy. Well she's been kidnapped and you have to save her.
Mulder: Oh do I get a cape or a medal or something? Do I need to find secret entrances to evil fortresses of doom?
Deep throat: Uh… yeah sure whatever. Just save her.
Mulder: Mulder away!
Mulder ran away with his arms pointing in opposite directions.
Deep throat: Wait! I didn't tell you where she was last seen! Why do I ever talk to this guy anyway?
Later in the middle of a room, somewhere in an unknown location, Scully was sitting down in a large comfy chair while watching a flat screen 15 inch plasma TV. A small screen above it turned on and a white opera mask appeared.
Mask: Hello agent Scully. We're going to play a game. The rules are simple.
Scully: Oh can I please finish watching this?
Mask: Very well… what are you watching?
Scully: Cricket test match.
Mask: Crud! No deal!
Scully: Too late. Oh that Adam Gilchrist… oh yes… ha ha ha one day… one day…
Mask: Stupid agreeable nature… all the other psychopaths laugh at me…
Scully: Shush! TV…
Mulder was running along the streets yelling at random people.
Mulder: Are you a psychopath? Where's Shrimpy!? Can anyone tell me the way to Albuquerque? Where can I find my partner? Are aliens hiding in your basement? Why is everyone running away from me?
Mulder sat down on a bench exhausted. He looked over to the person next to him. The person next to him looked back and waved and took a puff from his cigar.
Cigar smoking man: So Mulder… you want information about your partner, aliens and Albuquerque?
Mulder: Yes. How did you know?
Cigar smoking man: It's amazing what I can find out when I turn my hearing aid on.
Mulder: Interesting… tell me more of this… hearing aid…
Cigar smoking man: In due time young one. But know I must show you something very special.
Mulder gasped and smiled.
Cigar smoking man: That's right… a map!
Mulder frowned.
Mulder: Oh… ok then… map yeah ok… map.
Cigar smoking man: Now see how we're here? Yes well if you go this way along this road you can get to Albuquerque.
Mulder: Ooohh! Maaapp!
Cigar smoking man: Yes, very good. Now as for the rest of the things you want I can't help you with.
Cigar smoking man stood up to leave but Mulder grabbed him.
Mulder: Mulder want map!
Cigar smoking man: Uh… look over there while I run away!
The man pointed at the ground and Mulder instantly started staring. Meanwhile the man escaped down the street and around the corner. Mulder continued staring at the ground.
Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean a massive helicopter was flying westward.
Pilot: Come in kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab. This is a helicopter. Please come in.
Guard: Copy that. We read you loud and clear.
A large facility rose up from the ocean and the helicopter landed on a helipad. The pilot stepped out and was greeted by a German man with a cat in his arms. They walked up to each other.
Evil genius: Here have your stupid cat back.
Pilot: Thankyou for taking care of it while I was gone.
Evil genius: It was nothing. I just gave it some milk and it stayed still for the rest of the day.
Pilot: You idiot! Cats are lactose intolerant! Why doesn't anyone besides me seem to know this?
Evil genius: (Sarcastic) Because not all of us are helicopter pilots. Maybe if we knew how to fly a helicopter we might know more about cats. But nooo! I'm just an evil genius! How was I supposed to know?
Pilot: By reading the instructions I gave you.
Evil genius: What?
Pilot: The instructions I gave you?
Evil genius: The piece of paper with writing on it?
Pilot: Yes… what did you do with it?
Evil genius: I ate it. I was hungry! How was I supposed to know I was supposed to read the instructions instead of eat them!
Pilot: It's called not being a retard.
Evil genius: Ahem! Anyway we mustn't delay any further! I have something very important and secret to show you in my bedroom…
Pilot: Oh not again…
Evil genius: No no! This isn't what you think! I swear this is a proper discovery!
Pilot: Better be…
They walked away.
Mulder walked through a university door into a large room where lectures were held. Down the bottom was a man rubbing out equations on the blackboard. He turned around and saw Mulder and started rubbing out as fast as he could.
Mulder: Hello professor.
Professor: Fudge sticks! Oh... Hi Mulder… what brings you here?
Mulder: Well my partner has been kidnapped by a psychopath and I want you to help me find her!
Professor: Oh great… what do you know about this psychopath?
Mulder: Well I know he's a psychopath…
Professor: Oh… great… you sure it's a guy?
Mulder: Uh… hmm… no not really but... it… has a fetish for make up apparently.
Professor: Right… ok um Mulder… you do realise you are hired by the FBI to profile murderers or something like that. I teach theology Mulder. I can't help you. Maybe you could pray or something. Come on just pray! It's not working for me so far because you're still here but I'm sure it will work for you! Please… pray… in the corner or outside just please leave me alone…
Mulder: Of course! Bottle caps! Thankyou professor!
Mulder hugged him and ran away.
Professor: Dear God. Give that boy a brain. Amen.
Mulder ran into a convenience store.
Mulder: Hi everybody!
Store clerk: Holy crud it's Mulder! Everyone hide!
The customers all ducked behind the isles of magazines and chips and the clerk hid underneath the counter. Only one person was left standing. He was holding a packet of chips and looked around somewhat confused.
Bob: Hi Agent Mulder!
Mulder: How's it hanging Bob?
Bob: That's personal.
Mulder: Of course it is.
Mulder walked over to the freezer while humming the tune to "funky town" and grabbed a bottle of coke. He completely ignored the person that was hiding next to him who was shivering. Frost had started to from on their nose. Mulder went over to the counter and put money down. A hand came up from beneath and took it.
Store clerk: Thankyou. Please don't come again.
Mulder: Ha ha ha! You're such a joker talking shop counter.
Mulder walked out and opened the bottle by smashing it against a passer-by's head. He bent over to pick up the broken glass and saw the bottle cap. On it the words "You win!" was printed on it. He stopped humming and picked it up.
Mulder: Yes! I've won an all expenses trip to the Atlantic Ocean! I'm bound to find some aliens there!
He jumped in the air and started walking away but tripped over the person he had knocked unconscious. He looked back.
Mulder: Stupid drunks…
Meanwhile in the kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab the evil genius was showing the helicopter pilot his bedroom.
Evil genius: Now if you'll just get on the bed I'll show you my secret.
Pilot: You do realise I have a gun right?
Evil genius: Yes. Now get on my bed!
The pilot did as instructed and he instantly started to sink into the bed sheets. It was if they weren't there and he was slowly sinking in quicksand.
Pilot: Agh! The bed is eating me!
Evil genius: Ah ha ha! It's my latest invention. It appears to be a solid object but when touched it slowly sucks thing into it!
Pilot: Just like your mother… Help! Help! I'm going to die!
Evil genius: Shut up while I explain how it works will you? The person gets trapped and dies and-
Pilot: Agh! Agh! Agh!
Evil genius: OK fine I'll help you out!
The evil genius grabbed the pilots hand and stopped him from sinking. He was waist deep in the bed already. He tried pulling him out but it didn't work.
Evil genius: Oh wait yeah… you can't pull yourself out. Just something I made sure of so good guys doesn't escape after I've bragged about my super-evil-mega-cool-great-fantastic plan that I really like and one day hope to use to take over the world.
Pilot: So what is your evil plan?
Evil genius: Well first I'll get a very large acorn and- oh no! I'm not telling you... ow ow ow! You're hurting me. Please stop squeezing my arm so hard. Agh! I'm telling my mother!
Pilot: Get me out of this or I take you down with me.
Mulder sat down in his seat on the aeroplane. He turned and saw the midget from the swings sitting next to him.
Midget: Hello.
It giggled.
Mulder: Hi! I'm Mulder! Here's a card with my address, pin number and workplace number on!
Mulder handed the midget a card and it grabbed it. It giggled.
Midget: Hehe… boom!
Mulder: So what's your name?
Midget: Fire! Burn orphans burn! Ah ha ha ha!
Mulder: Nice to meet you too!
Captain: (over speaker) This is your captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts while we prepare for take off. Thankyou that is all.
Mulder fastened his seatbelt.
Mulder: Aren't you going to fasten your seat belt?
Midget: Mwahaha! Aeroplane!
Mulder: Ah! Of course how stupid of me!
The midget giggled and the plane started to take off.
Scully was crying while still watching the TV. The smaller screen turned on.
Mask: What's wrong? Did Australia lose to England?
Scully: Nothing's wrong… I'm so happy… I can get two percent off my home loan!
Scully broke down into tears.
Mask: Oh great… Let's play a game. The rules are simple.
Scully: So happy… I want to hug people.
Mask: Stop interrupting!
Scully: I can finally get the home loan deal I've always wanted! Nothing can bring me down!
Mask: I killed your dog!
Scully: Oh…
Her face cleared up and she looked quite bored.
Scully: Well that was a bit mean wasn't it?
Mask: yes but-
Scully: I think I deserve more popcorn for that.
Mask: Game. The rules-
Scully: Popcorn!
Mask: Simple!
Scully: With butter this time. I'm not getting fatter you're getting thinner.
Mask: Why thankyou I work out. I'll just get you your popcorn.
Scully: Oh goodie!
Mask: Yeah- wait! Oh I'm really bad at this…
Scully changed the channel.
TV: Oh Charlene… I have a horrible secret. I'm not actually your cousin… I'm your long lost brother!
Scully: Gasp! No Rick no! She'll never forgive you!
Mulder stood up.
Mulder: I'm just going to stretch my legs.
Midget: Matches…
Mulder: Yeah yeah I'll get you some in a minute ok?
Mulder walked away and saw some people at the back of the plane playing with dice and lots of money. He approached them.
Mulder: Special Agent Fox Mulder FBI. What are you guys playing?
Ring leader: Uh… just a little game… nothing illegal! You can't prove nothing!
Mulder: Oh can I play?
Ring leader: uh… sure…
Mulder: Ooh! Illegal gambling! If I actually knew how to do my job I'd be in so much trouble with myself!
Mulder grabbed the dice and rolled.
Mulder: Curses! Does that mean I give you lots of money?
Ring leader: Uh… yeah sure ok whatever you say.
Mulder: Yay! I have friends!
The pilot walked down the corridors of the kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab next to the evil genius who had one black eye.
Pilot: So how did you get me out of there?
Evil genius: Well I just reversed the polarity!
Pilot: Of course! Reversing the polarity solves all problems!
A man ran up to the pair.
Man: Sirs! The general wants to see both of you!
Pilot: Quick! Reverse that man's polarity!
Evil genius: I can't!
Pilot: Run away!
The Pilot ran away in the opposite direction but was soon blocked by an incredibly large man.
Pilot: Agh! It's your mother!
Evil Genius: Hey!
Man: The General wants to see you… right now…
Pilot: Ok fine…
The pilot grudgingly walked after the man closely followed by the guard behind him.
Scully sat in the chair with a handful of tissues next to her and one in her hand. She sniffed and blew her nose.
Scully: Poor Rick… will he ever walk again?
The screen above turned on rapidly and the face appeared.
Mask: I really don't care…
Scully: That's mean! You must at least care for Brian's struggle to find out what happen last summer with his parents and the small children on that bus in England while they were visiting his long lost twin who was actually living two blocks away from them and was planning to kill Francine with the help of Bob's cousin!
Mask: I have… no idea what you're on about…
Scully: Well then I just don't care about you either…
Mask: Hello Agent Scully… we're going to play a game… the rules are simple.
Scully: I don't care.
Mask: But-
Scully: No. Don't care.
Mask: Game-
Scully: Your face!
Mask: With apples-
Scully: Your mother!
Mask: And then all the children became orphans-
Scully: Your mother's face!
Mask: SILENCE! SHUT UP! For crying out loud you've been staling all this time but no more! WE'RE GOING TO PLAY GAME!!! OK!?
Scully: Stalling? What kind of person do you think I am?
Mask: An annoying one…
Scully: Well that's not very nice… I think I deserve an apology.
Mask: NO! PLAY… THE… GAME!!!
Scully: FINE! What's the game?
Mask: Four square! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Scully: What's so evil about that?
Mask: We're going to play four square with… two rectangles!
Scully: You monster!
Mask: MWAHAHAHAHA! And we're using a wooden ball that might give you splinters!
Scully: Good thing I brought gloves…
Mask: MWAHAHA- Huh?
Scully: Mwahahaha…
Mask: Crud…
The General was playing with some small commander action figures.
General: Oh no! Who will save me from the evil general!? I will!
He moved another figure near the two. One was tipped over and the over in the General's hand.
General: Unhand my incredibly muscular lover! NEVER! MWAHAHAHA! I am the supreme ruler of all! Not if I stop you!
He made the two action figures attack each other.
General: Nyah! Ugh! Hur! Son of a- Bah! Gr! Aha!
The General threw one of the figures across the room.
General: Victory is mine!
Evil Genius: Um… you wanted to see us?
The General seemed to be completely unaware of the duo's existence. He continued playing with his dolls like he had for the past half hour.
General: Woot! Woot! MWAHAHAHA!
The General got on his chair and started jumping up and down and moving the action figure through the air making whooshing noises to suggest it was flying.
General: wooooosshh! We are the champions! No time for- woosh- losers!
The General tripped and fell off the chair onto the floor. The pilot leant over the desk to see if he was alright but the General popped up from nowhere behind him.
General: Hi!
Pilot: Bah holy flying fish and a man named bob! Where did you come from?
General: The floor! Can I smell your feet?
Pilot: What?
General: I like feet…
Evil Genius: You wanted to see us?
General: I don't know why… I just like feet.
Evil Genius: Yes, I don't care, now could you tell me why we're here?
General: So Pilot guy could you get me my army commando action figure?
Pilot: Uh yeah sure…
The Pilot turned around but couldn't see where the figure had landed. He turned back and all the figures were lined up next to each other on the General's desk.
Evil Genius: Am I being ignored?
General: MWAHAHAHA! The action figures call to me…
Pilot: O…K…
General: So you're probably wondering why I asked you here then made you wait half an hour as I played with my dolls.
Evil Genius: Yes.
General: Well?
Pilot: Yes.
Evil Genius: YES!
General: Well there's absolutely no reason whatsoever! Wow what a surprise!
Evil Genius: If you don't respond to me I will kill you!
General: So Pilot… I hear the Evil Genius also known as… Fred…. Has made a new thingy that does stuff?
Evil Genius: new thingy that does stuff… what a retard. Uh… could you just tell him that I'm here?
Pilot: Uh… yes… um… do you see any other people in this room besides me and you?
The General's smile faded away and he looked behind the Pilot at the grey shapes standing there. One of them shook his head very slowly.
General: Uh… no! no… no one else in this room… you can't prove anything! I mean um… why do you want to know?
Pilot: No reason.
General: Well now please show me this new thingy that does stuff… I'd like to make sure it can do things like… stuff…
Evil Genius: Oh I'm sure I can make it do something to you… mwhahahaha…
The General followed the Pilot and Evil Genius down the corridors.
Mulder reached into his pockets and pulled out nothing.
Mulder: Sorry fellas. I'm all out of money.
Ring Leader: It's OK. You can leave now. Please… leave now…
Mulder: OK. Are you sure you don't want to hear more about the day I found a pimple on my-
Ring Leader: NO! Please... its ok you can leave…
Mulder started leaving but quickly turned around.
Mulder: Oh yeah I nearly forgot… do you have any matches?
A matchbox hit Mulder in the face.
Mulder: Thanks!
He left and returned to his seat.
Midget: Matches! Matches! Matches!
Mulder: Hey! Yeah I got them. Now promise me you're not going to set fire to the engines and cause us to crash and die in a horrible and gruesome way ok?
The midget's smile faded and he looked out the window with a look of longing on his face… after staring a while he smiled.
Midget: I promise.
Mulder: Good midget!
Mulder handed over the matches and patted the midget on the head. The midget clapped rapidly and giggled.
Midget: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mulder: Sorry what was that?
Midget: I said: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Mulder: Oh ok!
Midget: I have to… go to… the toilet…
The Midget ran out of his seat and down the tail of the plane. Mulder just look straight forward and didn't notice the Midget climbing across his window and onto the wing of the plane. The Midget crawled across the wind towards the engine. He took one match out of the box and lit it. It blew out instantly and he frowned. He lit another and the same thing happened. He repeated the process over and over again until he got so annoyed that he just threw the box away. It flew forward then came back and went into the engine. It exploded instantly and the Midget was sent flying into the window. Mulder looked at him and smiled.
Mulder: Hi! What are you doing out- HOLY BODY ODOUR! THE PLANES ENGINE IS ON FIRE! How did this happen?
Mulder scowled at the midget.
Midget: Uh… ALIENS DID IT AND RAN AWAY!
Mulder: ALIENS! Of course!
Mulder got out of his seat and ran towards the front of the plane. The midget's eyes followed him just before he was sucked off the planes window and fell down into the sea…
Mulder bashed into the cockpit and saw a gay black man punching a snake in his left hand with his right. Dead snakes were littered everywhere and the pilot was dead.
Samuel L. Jackson: I have had it with these gosh darn snakes on this gosh darn plane! And why on earth are you here Mulder?
Mulder: Well I-
Samuel L. Jackson: You're not ready Mulder to become a Jedi… you must continue your training before you face Lord Vader!
Mulder: NO! I'm ready! Stop holding me back! I believe in myself! For the lowest car tire prices go to Bob Jane T mart!
Samuel L. Jackson: I have only one thing to say in response to that random case of verbal diarrhoea… I have had it with these snakes on this plane!
The controls started to beep and the plane tilted downwards towards the ocean and Mulder didn't remember much of what happened next…
What did happen next was the plane skidded across the water as it tore apart. It taxied to a stop and started to sink. Then it began to rise up. The kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab rose from beneath the surface of the water taking the aeroplane up with it. A loudspeaker turned on and a voice spoke.
Voice: warning! Unauthorised and oversized aircraft is on the landing pad... sort of… it's kinda on an angle and parts of it are scattered around the place. Clean up crews to isle seven- I mean landing pad.
The aircraft was salvaged and the survivors were taken inside the kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab and given medical attention. By that I mean a doctor stared at them with a thoughtful look on his face.
Mulder woke up.
Mulder: Aliens are in the Mulder cave! Oh… I seem to be in some top secret evil base…
Doctor: Agh! I thought it was incapable of speech!
Mulder: That's what my mother said when I was seven…
Doctor: Enough of recounting the past! Tell me what happened when your plane crashed!
Mulder: I'm not sure… all I did was give matches to a small child who climbed onto the wing. He promised he wouldn't burn anything important.
Doctor: Of course!
Mulder: Aliens!
Doctor: Why did you yell that?
Mulder: I want attention…
Doctor: Uhuh… you'll get lots of attention where you're going!
Mulder: A space ship?
Doctor: Yes! A spaceship!
Mulder: I sure hope I don't get one of those probes…
Doctor: Well I can't speak for the aliens…
The Doctor helped Mulder up and led him away out of the hospital. The door shut behind them and next to Mulder's bed, separated by a curtain, was another bed with a badly burnt patient in it… his eyes opened wide and he held up a charred box of matches and giggled uncontrollably…
Mulder was being led down a corridor when he collided with a guard that was walking in the opposite direction. He fell on top of the guard.
Guard: Agh! What are you doing!
Mulder: Feeling you up.
Guard: WHAT!?
Mulder got off the guard and they both got back onto their feet.
Mulder: Ha ha ha! I can't believe you fell for that! Oh you're so gullible!
Mulder pointed a gun at the guard's stomach.
Mulder: And incredibly stupid.
He shot the guard and the doctor.
Mulder: Where are the aliens!?
The Doctor clutched his stomach as blood fell onto the floor.
Doctor: You moron! There are no aliens! There was and never will be!
Mulder: Lies! Lies! Propaganda and speculation is the only truth! Sweet truth! Just want to eat it it's so sweet… oh yeah… mmm… propaganda…
Mulder Started to drool.
Guard: You know I'm not actually dead.
Mulder: Gasp! I hear dead people!
Guard: No you don't!
The guard and the Doctor exchanged puzzled looks as Mulder clutched his head.
Mulder: The voices are back! The voices are back! I won't let you kill all those people again! I wot let you!
Guard: you know the bullet seems to have missed all organs and major arteries… I think I'm in brilliant shape for someone who's just been shot…
Mulder hit his head.
Mulder: No! It lies! I kill you! You're dead!
Guard: Look I'm fine! I'll even stand up to prove it!
The guard stood up and walked towards Mulder. Mulder shot the man again.
Guard: Oh I can't believe you just shot me again! What did you do that for?
Mulder shot the man again.
Mulder: Die for crying out loud!
Guard: No!
Mulder: No one argues with the Mulder man! Mulder man is your master!
Guard: Mulder man?
Doctor: Not my problem anymore. I'm dying.
The doctor died.
Mulder: No! He was my only friend!
Guard: Get some help! For the love of all things living get psychiatric help!
Mulder: First you tell me where the aliens are! This top secret facility is for the retrieval of downed alien spacecraft.
Guard: In the middle of the ocean?
Mulder: Especially in the middle of the ocean. No one would suspect a top secret evil lab in the middle of the Mediterranean.
Guard: We're in the Atlantic.
Mulder: It's an ocean get over it! Gosh… you're keeping alien spacecrafts in the basement for further study while the general population is completely unaware of what you're doing.
Guard: Right… yeah… ok… can I go now?
Mulder: No.
Mulder shot the man again.
Guard: Agh! This is really painful! Why am I still alive?
Mulder: I don't know! Why don't you die! Oh can I shoot you in the head to see if that will kill you?
Guard: Well I don't want to die… so no.
Mulder: Wait since when do I need permission to kill people?
Mulder shot the guard again and again until he ran out of ammunition.
Guard: That… hurts… a lot…
Mulder ignored the guard and walked away still handling the weapon.
Scully grabbed the ball and threw it to the ground. A poorly painted puppet on a tricycle tried moving its arms that were attached to strings. It missed the ball and fell down.
Scully: This is such a fun game!
A small TV on the wall behind the puppet turned on.
Mask: Shut up.
Scully threw the ball again and this time it collided with the puppet sending it flying into the wall.
Scully: Any more games? I'm really enjoying this. Sitting on that chair for three days non-stop watching TV was getting a bit boring.
Mask: Grr… hmm... oh! Hello Agent Scully-
Scully: You don't need to keep saying that you know.
Mask: Silence! We're going to play a game… the rule-
Scully: Blah blah blah blah. Get to the point.
Mask: You know if you weren't so small that it's impossible to put a bullet in your head even at point blank range you would be dead by now.
Scully: Well too bad. I'm afraid I'm a midget and you can't do anything about it.
Mask: OK… the new game is… walking the plank. Mwahahaha!
Scully: And am I going to walk off the blank blindfolded into a vat or acid or needles or something deadly like snakes or scorpions?
Mask: Uh…. Yes… yeah that's what I was planning…
Scully: You were thinking of putting the plank over a swimming pool weren't you?
Mask: (pause) no.
Scully: Yes you were… you want to see if my hair is really straight or curly by wetting it. Well I'll tell you this! No one has ever discovered the truth abut my hair and lived to tell the tale! No one!
Mask:
Excuse me... I have to prepare the plank.
Scully: Yeah you better
run!
Mulder bashed down a door and saw cigarette smoking man in a hot tub exchanging a brown envelope with another man.
Cigarette smoking man: Mulder! This isn't what it looks like!
Mulder: you mean you're not exchanging top secret information about this facility to this man but instead you're really actually gay and I ran in just before it got awkward?
Cigarette smoking man: Oh... then it is what it looks like.
Mulder: You mean you're gay?
Cigarette smoking man: What!? No!
Mulder: But then if it looks like and it is but it's not then…
Mulder let out a high pitched whine and ran out the door into the hallway.
Cigarette smoking man: That was odd… now we must find a way to make sure operation "giant acorn" is-
Mulder ran back into the room.
Mulder: Wait a second… I wasn't supposed to run out of the room I was supposed to interrogate you and find out everything you know. Now let me just check I got that correct.
Mulder reached behind and took out a copy of "How to interrogate strange people who are working secretly in the government to cover up UFO's in your spare time for dummies." and flipped through the pages.
Mulder: Uh huh… chapter 12… hot tubs… ah here it is! Yes I got that completely correct!
Mulder returned the book to its mysterious origin and pointed the gun at Cigarette smoking man and the other man.
Cigarette smoking man: Where did you get that book from? It's far too large to fit in your back pocket!
Mulder: What's a pocket?
Cigarette smoking man: Well it's a thing that-
Mulder: Aliens! Where are they!?
Cigarette smoking man: For crying out loud Mulder there is no aliens! This base is to monitor Cuba and secret naval crafts being built nearby!
Mulder: Cuba? That sound's like cigarette talk for aliens!
Cigarette smoking man: Cigarette talk?
Mulder: Exactly my point!
Cigarette smoking man: Look I'm going now if you follow me I'm going to have to show you the true power of passive smoking…
Mulder: You're powers do not scare me! Passive smoking cannot harm me! My eyeballs are like a shield of steel!
Cigarette smoking man: Right…
While Cigarette smoking man and Mulder were busy talking nonsense the man in the hot tub had climbed out, dried off, got dressed, eaten a small meal and walked out of the back door with the brown envelope and ordered the guards to arrest Mulder and throw him in a holding cell for psychiatric observation to make sure he was harmless then he would be blown up just for fun.
Mulder: And so apple pie was used to subdue the president into admitting the existence of aliens to a small group of hobos which sums up my list of definitive evidence that aliens are real! Now tell me where they are!
Mulder was knocked unconscious by a sharp blow to the back of the head. When Mulder awoke he found himself in a cell surrounded by white squishy wallpaper and a single mirror.
Mulder: Oh! That is so cool! Squishy walls!
Evil Genius: You do realise that you're in an asylum right?
Mulder: Yes talking mirror I'm fully aware of that.
Mulder continued to poke the walls.
Evil Genius: Write that down… how do you make this a two way screen instead of a one way thing? Oh yes thankyou.
The Evil Genius appeared through the mirror.
Mulder: Hello reflection… gee I'm looking really ugly today….
Evil Genius: I'm not your reflection!
Mulder: That's what it always says but we can't choose who we are can we? You just have to live with it reflection… you're me and nothing's going to change that.
Evil Genius: Why are you here Mulder? Are you trying to stop my evil plan or are you trying to take down this entire organisation. I know you. You don't go anywhere and hold guns at people unless you want something.
Mulder: A meat pie would be good if you could get me one.
Evil Genius: You crashed a plane, killed a doctor and severely injured a guard just to get a meat pie?
Mulder: What guard?
The guard appeared next to the Evil Genius.
Guard: You shot me six times!
Mulder: Really? How's that working out for you?
Guard: Fine thanks. I enjoy having to pee in a bag and not being able to lift things or ignore the immense amount of pain I'm in.
Mulder: Whoa… dude you are so emo!
Guard: I'm going to kill him…
Evil Guard: No. that just wouldn't be fun for the rest of us…
Guard: But… it'd be fun for me!
Evil Genius: Remember what we discussed in anger management class after he shot you?
Guard: Yes… but I don't like the councillor… I think he's gay.
Evil Genius: Is this about the pink tutu he made you wear? We have memory erasing drugs you know…
Guard: I guess but other people will know…
Mulder: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! PINK TUTU!? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! OH you're such a loser! HA HA HA HA HA- why won't you die?
Evil Genius: Enough! Guard! You get over to anger management right now and if he mentions the word pink I'll get him fired ok? And Mulder! Please tell -stop chewing on the walls! Tell me why you're here!
Mulder: I'm here to look for aliens! Where are they?
Evil Genius: Aliens? You mean you're not going to foil my evil plan?
Mulder: No. what is your evil plan?
Evil Genius: Well first I get a very large acorn and- wait! I'm not supposed to tell you!
Mulder: Curses! What if I share with you a piece of my meat pie?
Evil Genius: Not even if I got the whole thing.
Mulder: Gasp! You truly are a monster!
A man appeared next to the Evil Genius.
Man: Sir! The General was found in your bed!
Mulder: That's not suss at all…
Evil Genius: Shut up! I'm afraid I have nothing to do with this.
Man: The security camera's show you, the pilot and the general going into the room and only you and the pilot coming out. But what's strange is the general seems to completely ignore the fact that you exist.
Evil Genius: How so?
Man: Well on the tape you're waving your arms in his face and yelling at him and he's just calmly talking to the pilot who's looking confused.
Evil Genius: Oh! Oh you mean that! Yeah I know about that! Yeah I was just thinking of… it's not important. Yeah the general went crazy and killed himself while I wasn't looking. It's impossible to get out of my bed you know. Couldn't help him. Yeah… couldn't have done anything and therefore can't be charged… plus we're in international waters so it wouldn't be illegal if I killed anyone.
Mulder: That's what I keep saying but do you think the FBI cares!?
Man: Uh huh… ok. Thanks.
The man left and the Evil Genius turned back to Mulder with his smallest finger pointing at his mouth.
Evil Genius: Mwahaha! And back to… Mulder.
Mulder: Woot! Back to me!
Evil Genius: Silence! Only I may "woot".
Mulder: Me no woot?
Evil Genius: No. Woot you not.
Mulder: What?
Evil Genius: No it's "woot" not what.
Mulder: Yeah whatever gay.
Evil Genius: I'm not gay!
Mulder: I'm not the one sucking on my little finger.
The Evil genius's eyes look down at his mouth then back at Mulder. He quickly put both his hands behind his back.
Evil Genius: Ahem…
Suddenly the entire base shook. An alarm starting blaring and the lights flickered for a second.
Alarm: Emergency! Emergency! This alarm can damage your hearing! Evacuate the base or suffer permanent ear damage!
Mulder: Gasp! Not permanent ear damage!
Evil Genius: Gasp! Not… repeating what Mulder says… yeah…
Mulder: That's real smooth…
Evil Genius: Shut up! I don't need this I have an IQ larger than yours!
Mulder: Really? I cold have sworn you're only as smart as a squirrel…
There was an explosion and the door to Mulder's cell burst open. Mulder ran out then ran back in again.
Mulder: Agh! I'm on fire! Fire hot! Mulder no like! Mulder no like!
The sprinkler system was activated and Mulder tried escaping his cell again. The wall turned back into a mirror.
Deep within the facility there was a small man with matches giggling uncontrollably as things around him burnt. A plank of burning wood fell in front of him and he panicked.
Midget: Agh! Fire too close!
The midget ran out of the room screaming and yelling about fire and orphans.
Mulder punched people as he ran past them. He even tripped a few people and kicked them a couple of times before running away. He stopped suddenly and turned to his left (which he believed to be the right) and stared though an open door into a bedroom…
Mulder: Do I have time to jump up and down on someone's bed before I die in a horrible fashion? Hmm… yes.
Mulder rushed into the room and tore away the yellow strips of plastic that created a fence around the bed. He jumped on the bed and jumped up-
Only he didn't go up but instead went slowly down.
Mulder: Huh?
Evil Genius: Agh! Agh! Agh! Oh what do we have here?
The Evil genius who had been running down the corridor yelling walked into his room and saw Mulder slowly sinking into his bed.
Evil genius: Mwahahaha! I see you've found my bedroom!
Mulder: Hmm… how do you sleep if your bed is made of sci-fi quicksand which you obviously got from aliens!?
Evil Genius: I don't! I haven't slept in seven days! Oh crud… that phone call from that little girl… hmm she doesn't seem to be here and it's past the time so… she wasn't talking about me dying then… then what was it?
The Evil Genius stood there contemplating for a second before falling asleep on the ground.
Mulder: Oh no… I think there's still a bit of general down here…
The midget banged furiously on the vending machine.
Midget: c'mon! I'm going to die any moment now… why do they always stuff at the worst of times?
A man in pink flew through the wall and landed on a floor littered with rubble. The guard walked through the hole in the wall and grabbed the man in pink by the throat.
Guard: No I will NOT wear a pink tutu to help me relax!
Midget: Oh no! Those people might have heard me saying something sane for once! Better act fast…
The packet of chips fell down and instantly he had an idea. He grabbed the chips and tore it open. He threw chips randomly at the two strangers while yelling gibberish.
Midget: Al gore! Capote from the movie! Chips are full of milk! Agh! Blah! Who the mother? Agh!
The man in pink started brushing himself down frantically.
Councillor: oh this is so totally not fabulous! I'm getting chips in my hair! Get it out get it out!
Guard: Hold still!
Councillor: Why thank- agh!
The guard started beating the councillor with his fists.
Guard: I'll teach you to suppress my anger!
The Evil Genius awoke to find himself begin punch by Mulder who had strapped him to a chair.
Evil Genius: How did you get out of my bed!?
Mulder: Reversed the polarity.
Evil Genius: Of course! Why is that always the answer!?
Mulder: I don't know.
Mulder punched the man in the jaw again.
Evil Genius: Ow! What was that for?
Mulder: It's fun.
Mulder punched him again then kicked him in the groin.
Mulder: Oh yeah and the base is about to explode so I'm just going to leave you here. Bye!
Mulder ran out the door then ran back in and punched the man once again before running out of the door for good.
A few hours later in the park Deep throat sat down next to Mulder whose clothes had been burnt just enough to look serious without revealing any skin. Mulder's face was black all over from smoke and soot and his left sho was missing.
Deep throat: How ever did you survive the explosion Mulder?
Mulder: Well all I can tell you is that I need a new shoe for my right leg.
Deep throat: it's your… left… leg…
Mulder: Shut up! I thought you were supposed to have died like… fifteen years ago or something like that when you got shot and spoke those famous words…
Deep throat: What famous words?
Mulder: you know… "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" it was very distressing not being able to handle the truth… anyway how did you find my Mulder cave!?
Deep throat: This ISN'T a cave Mulder! For crying out loud this is a park and there's a small child on those swings over there!
Deep throat pointed to the swings where a midget was swinging slowly back and forth on the swings. He had a cigarette in one hand and a knife in the other. He giggled randomly and looked in two different directions at once…
Mulder stood up slowly and looked closely at the midget. He was badly burnt and some crumbs of a couple of potato chips were resting on his shoulders…
Mulder: I thought you died! How did you survive?
Midget: (giggles) Pink tutu!
Mulder: Right… wait a second… Mulder cave… deep throat… I'm right back to just when… gasp! I have to go see bob at the convenience store!
Mulder burst through the shop doors and instantly the lethargic emo-shoppers burst into life and hid behind whatever they could except Bob who was too slow and stupid to move in time.
Mulder: Hi everybody! Hi Bob!
Bob: Hi Mulder…
Mulder walked over to the frozen food section and opened the fridge door. The body from last time he'd been there fell out. He looked over the frozen food produce then something caught his eyes. It was a packet of frozen shrimp. All of a sudden he realised something that had been buried deep in the back of his mind.
Mulder: Oh... my... gosh! The counter doesn't talk! It's the guy cowering in fear underneath it that does!
Mulder went back to searching through the frozen food and saw yet another packet of frozen shrimp only this one had a redhead on the front saying that it might cause food poisoning due to poor packaging.
Mulder: Wow this is really cheap!
He flipped the package over and looked at the nutritional information and saw fat.
Mulder: fat… shrimps… redhead… bob… deep throat… me… fridge… dead body… bob… me… emos with makeup fetishes… shrimps…. Me… me… more of me… oh wow I never knew I had eleven toes… interesting… me… shrimps… redhead… fat… shrimps…. Bob! What am I thinking?
Bob: Uh… about small redheads with eleven toes?
Mulder: Scully! I have to rescue her! Mulder away!
Mulder's dramatic exit was short lived due to him smashing into the door and falling back.
Mulder: Since WHEN does pull mean pull!? It's always push! Everyone knows doors are untrustworthy! Don't they?
Bob: Hey Mulder… why have you got only one shoe?
Mulder: Bob… haven't we been over this before? We're not good enough friends to talk about this yet…
Mulder jumped back up then pulled the door and walked outside. Suddenly people started appearing from every crevice imaginable and even some you wouldn't think could hide a person but that's anorexia for you.
Mulder raced around town smashing into homes and warehouses before shooting the ceiling yelling about aliens and running off.
Mulder: Ok… this isn't going to work! Deep throat said the psycho had a fetish for makeup so therefore he'd need to be near a makeup store of some kind…
All of a sudden Mulder saw the man from the hot tub on the kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab holding a brown envelope and walking into a make up store… Mulder followed him in and out through the back door. The mysterious man walked into a warehouse next to the store. The warehouse was full of large metal containers that had been connected with metal tubing large enough for a person to fit through. He knocked on one and a man in a mask opened and let him in.
Mask: You're here just in time for my time to shine.
Mulder crept up and peeked through a small hole. The two men were sitting down in chairs watching a small screen. On the screen was Scully in a blindfold. She was sitting patiently waiting for a door in front of her to open and a signal from the masked man to walk forward onto a plank.
Scully: Remind me what exactly is the point of this? It's not very creative making me walk on a plank into something that's going to kill me… I can think of at least… twenty… two… hundred more inventive and entertaining ways to kill someone. You really suck!
Mask: Well… you're just jealous!
Scully: That I'm not a stupid loser who thinks he a cool rebellious psychopath when really you've just put some boxes together and let me watch TV for three days straight?
Mulder: Gasp! TV for three days? He's pure evil! No one lets me do that…
Mask: Hm?
Mystery man: What?
Mask: I thought I heard something…
Mystery man: It was probably nothing…
Mulder burst through the door and pointed his gun just as the mystery man was handing over the brown envelope.
Mulder: Tell me what's going on!
Mystery man: Don't you mean "Where's the aliens?" you seem to be fond of that sort of thing…
Mulder: Huh? For once aliens aren't the reason behind everything! Now what's in the envelope!?
Mystery man: It's money… for makeup…
Mask: Hey man shut up!
Mystery man: Don't tell me to shut up John.
Mulder: And why are you giving it to him?
Mystery man: Cigarette smoking man decided that the best way to get information about you and Scully was to kidnap Scully and trick her into giving us the information by threatening to kill her which is what we're doing now.
Mask: Agent Scully… Mulder's here… if you don't tell me everything you two know about your organisation and what you do then you will be forced to walk the plank! Mwahahahaha!
Mulder: Don't listen to him Scully! I've got a gun to his head!
Mask: She can't hear you! You have to press a button first!
Scully: No actually you don't… I heard all of that seeing how the walls aren't that thick and I'm in the container next to you…
Mask: Shut up! or… or… this!
Mask pressed a button and flames burst out of the walls behind Scully.
Mask: You will be forced onwards or be burnt alive! What's it going to be?
Mulder: No! She was like… a person I knew!... dude! Mystery man! Tell me everything now before I blow your brains out!
Mystery man: Well you see the kinda-top-secret-not-really-that-benign-lab wasn't actually to monitor Cuban submarines OR aliens it's just that Cigarette smoking man and several insignificant military individuals don't like paying tax. Plus here was the problem also known as you Mulder. You're very annoying and we assumed hat if we could make a life in the middle of the sea not even you would find us! We were wrong… but just as a precaution we decided to kidnap your partner and hire this psychopath to fulfil his life dream of making an FBI agent kill themselves. But he had a price which was money for make up because he has a strange fetish for the stuff and personally I think he's gay. You see everything you've discovered and have been going through for the past day or two is completely relevant to Scully's kidnapping. Surprising isn't it?
Mulder: You're a loser.
Mulder shot the masked man and ran out.
Mulder: Scully! I'll save you!
Scully: Hurry! I've only got a couple of seconds left to live!
Scully edged closer and closer to the edge of the plank… flames licked at her ankles and sweat poured down her forehead and her feet became wet and slippery. She nearly slipped and fell over but kept going slowly… Mulder banged on the walls and rammed them with his shoulders again and again in an attempt to break them down. Scully could feel the edge of the plank now. He toes were just hanging off it. She looked up and fell forward hoping it would be a relatively painless as a wave of fire burst out and consumed the room behind her. She fell majestically down into the pit and felt hundreds of small, thin, long bodies touch hers. They were cold to the touch. Snakes she realised and screamed.
Mulder: SCULLY!
Mulder realised there was a door right next to him and went through it. He saw Scully thrashing between the thousands of snakes and nearly fainted. Scully all of a sudden stopped thrashing and laid still. He rushed over to the plank to help her out but slipped on Scully's sweat and fell in.
Mulder: Agh! Agh! Agh! Get them off me!
Scully: Mulder… I've just realised something…
Mulder: Agh! Agh! Wait what? Oh you're alive!
Scully: Yes Mulder. I'm alive… want to know why?
Mulder: Yes actually I would after all I have had it with these really ugly snakes in this really ugly pit.
Scully: Mulder… these snakes are plastic…
Mulder: Oh… yeah I knew that…
They both climbed out of the pit and walked out of the door. The mystery man was about to leave the room when Mulder whipped out his gun and shot him in the back. Scully held his arm in hers and they slowly started walking out the door.
Scully: Mulder…
Mulder: Yes?
Scully: what do we do now?
Mulder: Oh I don't think we need to do anything…
They stepped over the body and outside down the alley next to the store.
Mulder: Because I heard uncontrollable giggling just before I bashed down the door that's why.
The warehouse exploded in a mushroom cloud of fire and plastic snakes and from the wreckage stood a very small man who giggled uncontrollably…