Disclaimer: I totally own the rights to The Office… in my dreams.
A/N: okay, so I'm not gonna lie. I did not care much for last week's episode, mainly because it painted a lot of people in such a negative light. Ryan's drug problem, for example—is that supposed to be funny? I just don't get it.
Anyway, after seeing it and digesting all the different angles of the whole hand-on-leg incident (most awkward moment ever), I came up with this. I feel like it's something real that Jim and Pam would have to address in their relationship, and I hope you agree.
Special thanks to LoveMeSomeJAM, who beta'ed this on her spiffy new version of Word (!) and gave me a lot of encouragement. Thanks girl! And to the rest of you, please remember to read, review, and enjoy!
"Why did he touch your leg like that?"
It was a loaded question; he knew that. But that didn't stop him from asking it. It was the only thing that had consumed his thoughts after he had seen it happen, even as they were waiting for Hank to come unlock the gate and she had her head resting gently on his shoulder.
He felt plagued with doubt, and knew it wouldn't subside unless he got an answer.
She played with her hands as she sat in the passenger's seat of his car, wondering herself the answer to what he had asked her. After a brief pause, but what for her seemed like an eternity, she hesitantly responded, "I don't know… We were all tired, I'm sure it was an accident—"
"That wasn't an accident, Pam," he told her sternly as he kept his eyes on the road. He took a deep breath, trying to remain calm after the humiliation he had endured, and restated his thoughts, "I mean, I just… recognize the signs, okay? I've been there… I know how it feels to think that moving away is the only solution—"
She took her eyes off of her hands and looked up at him with wide, stunned eyes, "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying…" he trailed off and let a breath of silence pass between them before his reflexes to be funny and curtail the seriousness of the moment kicked in, "I'm saying, a move to Costa Rica's a little more intense then a move to Connecticut, but…"
"Are you saying I did this to him?" she asked accusingly as he struggled to find the right words.
"No!... Maybe… It's just—Pam—"
She folded her arms and stared ahead, "You can drop me off at my apartment—"
"Please don't do this—"he pleaded with her, but he knew all too well that this was her first mechanism of defense. Deny it. Ignore it. Let it blow over. But this wasn't going to blow over. Not until they had come to an understanding about it, and so he turned the car in the opposite direction of where she wanted him to go.
She noticed what he was doing though, and so her expression changed from one of ice to one of intense heat. She was shocked. Angry even. She had never been this angry with him, and so her glare became more severe as she asked him, her tone growing reproachful, "What are you doing?"
"You have to hear me out, "he began, his voice slightly trembling. "Look, we know we both have ways of getting people to like us, right? Like I try to be funny. I try not to take things too seriously—"
"Like your job?" she retorted, full of spite.
They came to a stoplight and he glanced over at her, a mix of hurt and aggravation in his eyes. He had had enough people telling him tonight that he was bad at his job; he didn't need her turning on him as well. He ignored her comment, wanting to save that conversation for another time, and continued his train of thought, "And you… are always friendly and polite and helpful…" He took a deep breath, inhaling courage as well as oxygen, "But maybe you don't realize that what you think is friendly, sometimes might be mistaken as flirting…"
He watched her expression morph from shock to confusion to fear; he could tell she was processing his words carefully. She looked down at her hands, realizations flooding her mind of why Michael was always singling her out and making suggestive remarks toward her, why Toby had advanced at her like he did, and why Jim himself had pined for her for so long.
She was a tease. She hated to think it, and it made the pit of her stomach churn to figure out that she was something she didn't ever want to be. She felt dirty, and the thought passed through her mind that maybe Angela was right about her all along. She couldn't let herself believe that though.
And as she was silently reflecting and fuming, another thought popped into her mind; one that still gave her a bad taste in her mouth, but seemed somewhat more plausible. It scared her to say it out loud, but she felt compelled to explore the idea, so she turned to him and asked plainly, "What are we?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean…" she shook her head, trying frantically to erase the doubt lurching through her, but she couldn't. The words spilled from her mouth, "I mean… I was with Roy for so long because he was something secure that I knew would be constant in my life… And now you're in my life and always there for me, and I just wonder—"
"Don't do that," he cut her off, his voice catching in his throat. "Please don't say that you think this is just part of—of a pattern, Pam. I—" He stopped, not knowing what to say next. He couldn't deny the unmistakable fact of being in Roy's shoes now, and he suddenly had a wealth of understanding toward the poor guy. He knew he could never attack another man for coming on to his girlfriend, but he could now fully appreciate the motivation for wanting to.
He exhaled heavily, rubbing his eyes from being so tired and frustrated, and looked over at her. She had her head down, struggling to figure out what she herself was saying, and it scared him to think of what she was implying by bringing this up. He silently prayed with everything he had that she would find some feelings for him inside her somewhere, but then he came to a realization: if he really loved her like he said he did, he couldn't force it. He didn't want to. He had to give in to her wishes, and so he pulled into a parking lot and turned around, heading back toward her apartment.
She looked up, her concentration broken, and asked, "What are you…"
"You want to go home, Pam, so that's where I'm taking you," he told her stoically as he kept his eyes on the road.
She silently kicked herself for opening her mouth, realizing she had hurt him with what she only thought was an observation. She begged, "No, please… let's keep talking—"
"I don't think this is going to get solved tonight," he sighed, his voice more solemn this time. "I just hope, you can figure out if you think what we have is real…"
His words cut into her like a knife as she realized what exactly he was saying to her. To think of being without him made her insides contort and writhe in grief, and it was so unlike any feeling she had ever had for anyone else that it immediately put all her ridiculous theories to bed. It left her with no doubt in her mind that what they had was indeed extraordinary, and it made her desperate to show him how much he meant to her.
"Jim—"her voice was soft now, and full of remorse. It made his body shiver to hear his name on her lips, and so as they came to another stoplight, he looked over at her with a flicker of hope in his eyes.
She grabbed his hand as it rested on the stick shift and told him with determination, "Of course what we have is real… I'm just, not blind. I can see the similarity between Toby tonight and you from two years ago… maybe that's why I thought I saw a pattern, I don't know, but…" She thought carefully about how to explain and squeezed his hand tighter, "But what I said was a mistake. With you, it was always something so much more than just being friendly. And please don't ever let me compare you to Roy…"
She took her hand off of his and began to play with her fingernails, a nervous habit, as all the rather painful memories ran through her mind of how unhappy she had been with Roy—all the times she had relinquished her control and didn't fight for herself, and how much she had struggled afterward to try and regain what he had taken from her.
She then exhaled sharply, as if she was expelling all of the hurt from her mind, and looked over at the man she knew she didn't have to sacrifice so much of herself for. With a soft smile, knowing all of that anguish was behind her, she reminded him, "You know that Roy… didn't let me be myself. That's one of the biggest differences… He discouraged me from doing what I wanted—like my art—and you do encourage it. Like when you came to that Finer Things Club meeting—"
"Even if I didn't read the book?" he asked, a sheepish smile on his face. It was the first one he had cracked all night.
"Even if you didn't read the book," she reiterated to him, and then continued with what she wanted to say, "And, you have to believe me when I say I never ever intended to flirt with Toby. I was just—being friendly, like you said. I can't help but be friendly; that's just who I am. But I don't have a connection with him like I do with you…"
He sighed, knowing he was in the wrong for accusing her, "I know… I'm sorry I thought you would ever do something like that. I just…" He glanced over at her and saw she was gazing at him intently, and it warmed his heart to see her looking at him the way he always looked at her. He didn't know it could feel so good to have his love requited, but he knew he had to hold on to that feeling. He could feel his cheeks flush as he told her, "After all we've been through, I don't want to lose you. I want us to finally be okay. To be… solid, you know?"
"We are." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek as he pulled in to her apartment complex. They smiled at each other knowingly and she asked, "Hey… do you wanna just sleep here tonight?"
"Okay…" he answered, all thoughts of doubt gradually escaping him. They walked slowly up the path to her apartment and she stopped him at the door, resting her hands on his chest.
"And, just so you know, I'll try to… be more aware of if I'm flirting." She glanced down at her feet, somewhat embarrassed at herself, but she knew that was what she had to do now. She was more than willing to make the small sacrifice, because she knew losing him would come at a much greater cost.
He kissed the top of her head sweetly and gave her a lopsided smile, "And I will remember to think my brilliant plans through before I act on them." They laughed softly at their misfortune of the past few hours and went inside, sitting themselves down on her sofa and engaging in a lingering embrace, feeling content with the agreement they had reached.
Like it? This is like my second attempt ever at angst, so please let me know if I did a good job... Basically, I'm super apprehensive, so do a girl a solid and review.