A/N: Story takes place around the Taft incident... AU Characters so there will be backstory introducing them as they are necessary for later. Much of early chapters written through Bo reviewing journals she has kept during her search for Lauren. Reviews are welcome - I've reposted this chapter to try to honor requests for better spacing of paragraphs. You're dealing with a cataract patient whose computer magnifies everything for her, so let me know if you need me to make further adjustments. Cuddles to all!

Lost Girl characters are not mine but I really appreciate those that bring them to life for us!

Chapter 1: Still Searching

Journal Entry #1233

I've decided I need to take some time to rewind and remember how I got where I am. I want to move forward and sometimes the only way to do that is to look back so you can avoid the same mistakes you've made in the past. So as I lay on yet another stale mattress in yet another broken down, moldy motel room, I begin to summarize my journey with another – probably long - journal entry. Last night I went back and re-read a few of my entries from the first year. I realized that those entries were more like love letters to her.

Gradually, my entries had become shorter. They became tinged with frustration and anger until eventually, my writing was almost illegible and my thoughts more like emotional rants with no real meaning. Maybe at that point, writing was preventing me from tearing motel rooms apart and sucking the staff dry out of frustration. The last few entries from the final weeks of that year showed that I had gained no ground and my resolve had floundered.

I began to read the last entry, curious as to how I had found the will to stay the course and not run from life as I had so many times before. As I read those final words from year one, I found my answer. I quickly leafed back through the year one journal and began to notice the pattern. There it was in every entry… no matter how brief, how angry or how frustrated… the one constant that stood out in my words was that I have never – not then, not now… ever stopped loving her… not for a second. As I read the final words over again from that twelfth month, I could feel my love for her burning deep in my soul.

She lifted the pen from its page and took a few slow deep breaths trying to calm her pounding heart. She lowered her head to look back to her words and continue…

Tonight as I write this entry, I go forward with new resolve having realized that I love her as much now as I did the night we first touched over 10 years ago… I probably love her even more. I miss her so damn much that I just can't stop searching now. As memories of her replay in my mind, I notice things about her I should have noticed when she was right here in front of me.

I appreciate things about her I never took the time to appreciate when I was with her. I always noticed how hot her aura burned for me, but didn't really take the time to notice that each time she looked at me it was always with a smile. That smile was as blinding as the sun. I always heard the geek speak that would make the succubus in me crave her, yet I never truly allowed the sound, sincerity and passion of her "I love you's" to really sink into my heart and soul until now.

Those words echoed through my mind and into every fiber of my being as I remembered that those words were spoken to me… for me… for only for me. She always said it first – I always said it in response. Why did I always wait for her to say it? Why did I always keep those words to myself in the moments where I would secretly watch her? I should have said it more… I should have made sure she knew – that she never doubted it for a second. The morning of the day that she would eventually ask for our "break", I stood in that hallway and told Dyson flat out that I'd chose her over him – that I was in love with her - but I never told her that I'd chosen her over him! I'm an idiot! Lauren, I'm so sorry. If only I had said those words to you that night… what you said about asking for more than I could give… I didn't get it… If I did, then maybe things would have been different and maybe…

Bo sighed and put her pen down, giving a quick shake of her head to bring herself back to the present as her internal dialogue reminded her that it didn't help to dwell on the mistakes of the past. She rolled over onto her back and chuckled to herself thinking of how all of her journals were loaded with Bo's human side giving Bo's idiot Fae side a piece of her mind.

This older Bo with four years of alone time spent on the road had become more responsible and mature. She had become the Fae she wanted to be – a Fae with the moral compass of a well-intentioned, responsible human. She knew what she wanted and needed, but was no longer willing to hurt others in trying to satisfy her needs. It was ironic, but years ago, it had been memories of Lachlyn that actually led her to understand exactly how self-centered and selfish she had become since she had run away at sixteen.

She never really liked Lachlyn – especially because of how he had treated Lauren, but after taking some time to think back over the events that led to the killing of the Garuda, Bo had realized how good a man he really was. His sole reason for becoming Ash had been to save his people from what he knew was coming. Everything he ever did – including trying to "toughen Lauren up" by throwing her into a dungeon – was done with that singular mission in mind. When Lachlan had asked her to be champion of the Fae, Bo had mocked him. Then he had sacrificed himself to get his venom into her hands so he could give her the chance to save herself and those she loved.

It was the ultimate sacrifice – done for an immature Succubus who had never shown him any respect. Once Bo did come to realize his sacrifice, it forced her to re-think many of the events of her past. Aside from her work on cases with Kenzi, there really was very little she did for her family if it didn't give her something in return. She stuck by Trick for knowledge, by Kenzi to avoid being alone, by Vex and eventually Evony to have an in with the dark in case she killed in their territory and by Dyson, Tamsin and Ryan for feeding since she clearly didn't want them for a long-term committed loving relationship… only Lauren could give her that.

While she did stand by her decision to not choose a side, she realized that it was also her way of continuing to never make a commitment to anything. How could people ever trust her if she couldn't stand by a decision? She always wanted everything her way and Lauren had to bare the brunt of that part of Bo's personality. Bo had to think back to her own painful memories of seeing Dyson and Ciara together to understand how Lauren must feel. Wow… what a difference it makes to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

The difference of course was that Bo wasn't with Dyson anymore when he was with Ciara. She had actually been committed to Lauren when she was with four other people. Just how immature Bo had been became really apparent when she remembered banging that hot blonde feed right over Lauren's head in the clubhouse – she even had Lauren help her pick out the hottest chick in the bar! Bo couldn't imagine how she would have felt if she had walked in on Lauren fucking another woman. The tears started to flow down Bo's face, her eyes raged blue as the imagined pain she had inflicted on her lover quickly ripped through her very soul.

"God, Lauren! I'm so sorry baby! Why didn't you ever tell me? You must have shed a million tears – why did you never let me see? Why didn't I ever see? I know, I know… because I was too self-absorbed to notice anything but my own needs at the time. Well, that Bo is gone – I assure you. I will make this right, baby – I promise. I'm so in love with you Lauren."

Bo took a few deep breaths to calm herself and her Succubus, then picked up her pen again and re-directed herself to her journal, "Okay Bo, get back to the present and write. Remember - Kenzi bought the journals because she said it would be good for you and it has been. Just focus and write."

Well, as of today, I've been searching for four years, two months and five… no six days. I can't explain how I know it, but I know I'm close – I'm sure of it. But again, after over 92,000 miles, I find myself checked into a motel across from a diner called Martini's with my arms and heart still empty yet still full of hope. Years of following leads have led me from Toronto to New Brunswick, Nova Scotia around St. John's then back moving north, south and west spending extra time searching hospitals in Montreal, Quebec, Ottawa, Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver.

For the past twenty-two months, I have followed leads across the southern border into the states through Alaska, Seattle, Napa, San Francisco, Monterey, Santa Barbara, L.A., Palm Springs, back up to Oregon, then down to Las Vegas. Since Vegas, I resumed my pattern from Canada and moved north and south while traveling eastward through just about every major city in every state. I think I've seen more of North America than any Canadian or American has ever seen.

I've actually been in every territory of Canada except for Nunavut and all but three of the fifty states in the U.S. I can now tell you all of my favorite places in North America and can introduce you to some great people who gave me bartending jobs along the way so I would have extra money to stay longer in some places where leads seemed to take a stronger hold. I really want to take Lauren to a lot of my favorites on our way back home. I have brochures or pictures for just about every place I've been so she can pick every destination she wants to see. Of course, if I'm on her trail then I suspect she may have seen many of the sites already, but we haven't seen them together and that would make the travel even more special…

Bo pauses her writing, as her face contorts into a painful frown of doubt for a moment… She continues writing…

Lauren, of course you know this is all up to you… no one owns you – you can come and go as you please. You are under no obligation to me – I've really done nothing to earn your trust or your love, but I'm hoping you are safe and that you will give me – us – another chance.

So, now I have landed in one of the small towns along the eastern seaboard of the United States. As I drove down the road when I arrived here, I saw fields and farmhouses to my right with a coastal view to my left. Interspersed between these I saw the occasional shopping center and gas station but not much else. It's pretty deserted here although the chill in the air reminds me that it's late fall so it's probably too cold for humans to be out and about when they have no Succubus genes to keep them warm. Anyone who lives here year round would have been tucked into the warmth of home an hour or so before I rolled into town.

It appears to be a small farm town flanked by a small bay community and small ocean community. Now that I think about it, this would be a great place for someone who doesn't want to be found to get lost among the fields and randomly placed farmhouses. Lauren would know that no one would think to look here – they would more likely look in big city human hospitals or research facilities where a science geek could hide in some basement room behind a microscope and test tubes. Knowing Lauren as well as I do, even I followed that same assumption in creating the trail I followed for most of the first three years. The past six months, however, I changed tactics and have been trying to follow my gut rather than science.

Of course, if she's following science then she's in a hospital in a much more populated area, which would put me way off course being where I am now. Then again, if she actually IS following the path that I'm following, it would mean that she's given up on science… on medicine?! Oh, Lauren – that was your life! They've forced you to give up the thing you love the most? Damn them! I've got to fix this – I will fix this, Lauren… I promise! God – part of me wants to be wrong so that I know you've found a new life in a great hospital with great pay and a fabulous home where you can finally be all that you were meant to be. Of course, if that's the case then you may have also found someone to share that life with…

Bo pauses her pen, sucks in a breath to steady her resolve to do what's best for Lauren and continues to write…

…And if that's the case, then that's okay… I won't let myself be selfish – I love you enough to be sure you are happy. It would kill me, but I would let you go if you've found the life and love you truly want… but if it's me you want, I'm here – the things I learned while with my father have allowed me to learn a new way to feed and new control over my powers. I can be everything you want me to be now… I just need to start practicing like he taught me, but…

Bo pauses her pen, her eyes flash as she contemplates the possibilities for a moment, then continues…

…from what I've learned from those ass hats in the dungeon, maybe – and I do mean maybe - you can be all my succubus needs now too? Even if you can't, I would starve before I would hurt you again – physically or emotionally. Okay, I know… I'm ranting again… I do that an awful lot when I write. Is that why Kenzi thought this would be good for me? It does settle me emotionally and we all know that, in turn, settles my Succubus so she doesn't go all blue banshee on the locals… good call, Kenz! Okay, okay… ranting again… re-focusing…

So, since I checked into this luxurious (lol) motel, I've been looking at the now very worn map of the U.S.A. trying to figure out where to go next. Over the past 9 months or so, I've made my way south along the eastern coast from Maine along US Route 1 through what my map refers to as the "New England" states. I loved the drive from Maine along the coast – it was really very peaceful – especially in the morning when the sun would rise across the ocean. Most days I stopped to feel the sun on my face and think of your smile… it always seems to calm me, but then everything about you always did. To this day, you are still the only one who has been able to calm the blue banshee when she's at full tilt.

I got held up due to weather for quite some time in Maine last February since motorcycles and snow don't really mix… at all. I thought about renting a cabin, feeling the need to be a bit of a recluse but thought better of it when thinking I could starve there with no people around to feed. So, I moved into a bed and breakfast in the seaside town of Bar Harbor and hung there for a few weeks. I got a job working a local bar and got to know some of the regulars – all good people who I had a nice stay with. Of course, breaking ties when I left again was hard as usual – especially with the bar owner, Maive.

She was a sweet older woman whose bar had been in the family for three generations. Her sons were all fisherman so she spent a lot of time alone or with their wives. I guess I was a consistent source of companionship for her as we would sit and talk for hours. She tried to talk me into a few blind dates, so I finally told her about you Lauren… that you are the love of my life… that I'm searching for you… that I will find you. Anyway, I needed to continue my search. She understood, but was disappointed. I promised her that either way, I would stop by again. If I find you and you don't want me, Maine might be a nice place for me to start over – I'd have to check with Trick about the Fae there. If I find you and you want me, I'm hoping you'll entertain the idea of meeting Maive – she wants to meet the girl who swept me off my feet.

Bo paused and re-read what she had written so far – it was interesting to re-read what she'd written in her journals over the years. She would notice that at times she would write as if Lauren was a "she" or a "her" and other times Lauren would so invade her heart and mind that she wrote as if they were actually having a conversation. It was in those times that Bo realized she felt like Lauren was right there with her – like somehow she could feel her. It was silly, really. Bo shook out her thoughts and continued to write…

So, I left Maine to continue my search for Lauren when the weather broke and headed south. At that time, I still had it in my head that she would be in a hospital. I learned very quickly that there are literally dozens and dozens of hospitals, clinics and medical research facilities in this corner of the United States. I spent a lot of time in this area stopping for some crazy times with a group of women I had met in Cape Cod. I had been hurt trying to stop a fight between two big guys while working one of my bartending gigs.

I argued about going to the hospital, so two patrons who were doctors, stitched and bandaged my hand since I told them I didn't have health care insurance… why would a succubus need it?! It turns out the doctors were a couple – Jill and Sue – who had met at Harvard Medical School and had been together ever since. They wanted to start a family, so were making it official and tying the knot this weekend. They invited me along for their destination wedding since it wasn't anything that required invitations or reservations. Just a simple ceremony with hand-written vows exchanged with their four best friends and parents present on the beach in Provincetown where they owned a small cottage. They promised that I had never been to a place like P-Town and would love it, suggesting they may even hook me up with a suitably gorgeous weekend date. I explained that I was spoken for – that her name was Lauren, but that it sounded like fun.

The ride out to the very tip of Cape Cod was gorgeous. I traveled with the happy couple to meet their friends Sunny, Bette, Liz and Sarah for the ceremony and weeklong vacation. Both of their parents were coming in by boat from Boston. It really was a blast and so eye-opening to spend time with families who actually had normal parents who loved and supported their kids. After the awkward introductions and the first few hours had passed, the fun began.

I wasn't surprised it took a while for them to warm up to me – I probably wasn't very warm and fuzzy at first either. Let's face it… it was odd… Kenzi would find a joke in there somewhere… a lesbian couple walks into a bar and meet a bartender, fights ensue, injuries happen, they invite the bartender to their wedding… it's funny – I could have been a serial killer… come to think of it, they would probably respond better to that then they would to what I really was. I could write a book… "The Education of Bo Dennis"… Lesson number one – sometimes, people actually trust other people even though in my world, it seems like no one trusts anyone… well, except for Kenzi and Lauren. I still don't fully trust Trick – especially after what happened with Rainer… that's just another thing that led to this journey… this ongoing search for my true love… my true destiny…

Anyway, it was a week of whale watching, dancing, good food, good drink and a very open LGBTQ culture. I pictured Lauren here – letting her hair down and just being free to be whoever she wanted to be. It was one of the brochures I grabbed for if that return trip happened. I now had two new places I would consider living with or without Lauren.

I was the first to leave Provincetown that weekend, explaining to my new friends that I had to meet up with Lauren. They didn't need to know the details or that I had no idea where she was. We said our goodbyes and exchanged phone numbers. I was well fed from the week around a lot of sexual energy, but unfortunately, my bike was in desperate need of a tune up and gas.

I stopped in the town of Chatham. After my week of fun, I needed to replenish my wallet. It took money to hunt down clues in my search, pay for gas to get around on my bike and check in to hotel or motel rooms at night. When it was warm enough, sleeping under the stars was a viable option that I had taken advantage of to save money, but that wasn't an option during these cold months. I realized I would most likely need to stay at least one night here.

I found the garage Sue's dad had recommended – a friend of his who was apparently a big fan of American Muscle Cars and everything BMW. When I pulled up, a broad grin spread across the mechanic's rugged face. He was a handsome man with dark curly locks that framed his face and a well-chiseled body. It had been a long time since any man had caused her succubus to rise, but one look at this man and Bo felt the quick blue flash in her eyes. She closed them to calm the beast and channel her desires as her father had taught her.

Remembering her reaction to the man caused Bo's succubus to stir. She paused from her writing to close her eyes and reign in her desire before returning to the memories of her time in Chatham…