The journal of Peggy Carter.
Disclaimer: Captain America: The First Avengeris not mine.
Pairing: Peggy Carter x Steve Rogers.
Synopsis: It starts with a simple journal, but she never thought that it will be filled with the thoughts of him.
Word count: 1592 words.
Author's notes: I couldn't do this without the help from Jack Borroughs for being my beta reader.
June 10th 1943
Here I am, stuck in a camp with full of smelly male chauvinists. I hate the cynical stares given by those men. I just hope that this project will end soon.
June 14th 1943
It's refreshing to be able to practice my punching skill on a jerk today. It's good to know that it's not rusty. Colonel Phillips is still the same, minus his increasing number of wrinkles on his face. The war must have enhanced his aging process. Or he just needs to find a wife—fast.
p/s: I noticed a small blonde man in the division today. I'm not sure whether they are serious in having him for the Super Soldier Project.
June 24th 1943.
Steve Rogers.
I've been hearing that name for the whole week. Other than trying to kill his instructor with high blood pressure throughout training, I start to pay a little bit attention to him. He tends to get in a lot of troubles for such a small fellow.
July 6th 1943.
I think I'm starting to like this Steve Roger—I mean, in a professional way. Thinking about that flag incident never ceased to put a smile on my face. Let's see what else he's got up his sleeves.
July 15th 1943.
Seriously, Colonel Phillips needs to get himself a wife. That stupid old man nearly killed me of heart attack for throwing that dummy grenade!
Steve Rogers has demonstrated an honorable act today. He threw himself on the grenade and even told us to take cover.
Stupid?— yes.
Selfless? yes.
What we really need? Perhaps.
August 5th 1943.
After a long hour of argument between Dr Erkskine and the higher ups, they finally chose a candidate for the programme.
It didn't surprise me that it was Steve Rogers.
But what if the serum doesn't work? What will happen to him?
August 12th 1943.
A very, very long day. Let's just summarize it like this:
Steve Rogers is hopeless when it comes to women.
The serums worked perfectly, and Steve Rogers has turned into a new man.
Spies from HYDRA managed to fool us until it was too late. We lost a big number of great men, including Dr Erkskine.
August 15th 1943.
Steve doesn't smile ever since that day. Who would anyway? He just lost a person that believed in him the most. I could only do little to ease his grief.
I'm on my way to London, leaving Steve with whatever task he is assigned to. I hope it doesn't waste Dr Erkskine's efforts and sacrifice.
I don't like to see him sad like when he was denied to go with us today.
September 26th 1943.
Howard has just shown me a poster of Steve a. k. a known as 'Captain America'. He now becomes America's 'new hope'; a war idol.
Seriously? A war idol? He was denied when he volunteered to join the war!
My prayers go out to him, hoping that he won't be the dancing monkey for the government until the war is over. He's worth more than this stupid job.
p/s: He does look dashing in the tights.
October 11th 1943.
The battle had been intense lately, we lost a lot of men, and if this continues, I don't think that the men can handle it. Hell, I don't think that I can handle this if this continues. I'm sick of seeing the same tight face of Colonel Phillips. As if he could read my mind, he assigned me elsewhere, I'm feeling more tired than ever.
Steve Rogers.
I miss his shy smile.
October 22nd 1943.
Less than 50 men from the 107th Infantry Regiment are reported as MIA against Schmidt's forces early this week. We're losing more men than we expected. This is so frustrating.
Heard that Steve will be coming to Italy once our troop manages to enter the country. And I hope it will be soon.
Even Howard's fondue doesn't help to ease the tension anymore.
November 3rd 1943.
It's been a long time since the last time I snuck out of the base without official leave.
And it's all because of Steve Roger.
A lot of things should have changed since the last time I met him. Yet he still doesn't look happy. I don't think that he knows that I'm here. He might even already forget about me. I'm thinking of meeting him tomorrow. But I'm nervous.
Should I meet him? Or shouldn't I?
November 4th 1943
I can't remember what actually happened, but now I just realized that I just sent Steve to Schmidt's fortress alone. ALONE! What's wrong with me? How could I be that weak against those piercing blue eyes?
It's too late to do anything now but to wait for him. Howard believes that the colonel will understand. Easy for him to say, he's untouchable. And he doesn't know the colonel as much as I do.
But I didn't regret my action. I still don't.
At least his smile is back.
November 6th 1943.
It's been a long time since the last time I've been lectured by the old colonel. He's not kidding when he said it's not going to be a pleasant one.
Steve's been out to Schmidt's fortress for too long. I've been checking the device every minute, yet there's no sign that he has made any contact with us. I just hope that he's not dead. Colonel Phillips is ready to declare him as KIA
And if Howard doesn't stop being too relaxed soon, I know where to find my next shooting target.
November 13th 1943.
Steve is back!
God, I feel so…I don't know. Relief? Yes. Happy? Sure. Like I want to punch him for being late? Of course.
Proud? Definitely. Yes, I'm proud of him.
I think I almost hugged him today.
December 4th 1943.
Now that Steve's been really accepted in the army, I've never seen him so happy and confident. He's so enthusiastic about his job that he will take a double look on everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
December 9th 1943.
Found a red dress in my closet today. Howard is definitely going to be my shooting target tomorrow.
December 14th 1943.
I'm writing this before I go to the bar to confirm about the equipments that Howard has prepared for Steve. In case I didn't update any entry after this, it means that I'd killed myself of embarrassment for 2 reasons:
- Being caught by Howard for wearing the dress that he gave.
- For being ignored by Steve.
I'm back, and alive. I hope that he doesn't find me too bold for asking him to dance with me. I feel giddy to meet him tomorrow.
December 15th 1943.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT STEVE DID TODAY! THAT BLOODY IDIOT KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN! HE KISSED HER! I'm such an idiot to think that he is interested in me. So much for finding the right partner!
And 'FONDUE-ing'? 'FONDUE-ing'? What kind of word is that? Why is he such an idiot? And what would I be 'fondue-ing' (in whatever bloody term Steve thought it is) with Howard? I should have just shot him in the head!
December 23rd 1943.
Steve and his team start their mission to search and attack HYDRA's hideouts. I haven't met him nor speak a word to him ever since that day. I'm sure that his lady has given him enough pray and good luck wishes.
February 2nd 1944.
The attacks from Steve's team have been wonderfully worked, and the numbers of HYDRA's hideouts have decreased gradually. I still haven't talked much with him unless it's necessary. He seems guilty though. But I don't have time for that.
June 8th 1944.
I almost died of embarrassment today. The whole meeting room saw the recording. God, I didn't know Steve has my picture in his compass! Colonel Phillips seems to know something about this. I knew there's something suspicious about him when he suddenly smiled without a reason at me the other day!
We are going to have a serious talk about the picture, Steve Rogers.
February 10th 1945.
Officer James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes is KIA.
Found Steve at the bar— or what's left of it. It seems like Steve is blaming himself again, like on the day Dr Erkskine died. We sat at the bar until early morning.
February 14th 1945.
With only less than 24 hours left for us to stop Schmidt from destroying the world, Steve decides to be the decoy attacking Hydra's last base. Somehow this makes me feel uptight. I pray that he'll be alright.
February 15th 1945
We're on our way to the Alps to Schmidt's last base. I hope Steve still remembers about our date.
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May 27th 1945.
They finally announced Steve as KIA. They made a tomb stone for him, but I never visited him; just like he never appeared at the club as he had promised. I'm afraid that I might not be able to stay strong.
Howard stopped by this morning and said he will not stop searching for Steve. I almost cried, but I couldn't.
Sometimes I open Steve's file and stare at his pictures for a few minutes before closing it and cry. Where people are happy and celebrating for our victory, I can't find a reason to smile. My right partner is gone.
If I said I love him after our kiss, would the pain still be as unbearable as this?
-Peggy Carter-
Constructive comments are highly appreciated.