Hiya!
I've been quite interested in The Doctor's "dark side" lately. How he acts so happy and sad at the same time and I think Eleven represents that the most.
Therefore this story can be seen as a somewhat character study.
Warning: self-harm fic! Do not read if triggering!
A/N: I'm german and this story hasn't been beta'ed, so please forgive further mistakes.
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Doctor Who.
°~° Nobody ever thinks of him °~°
"Right, Ponds. Where to now? There's this brilliant planet called Sejua. Beautiful planet. Full of fireflies, well they're not actually fireflies, but that's what you'd describe them as and then there's that wonderful sky, like a firework of colours, never ending, never fading.
That truly is a wonderfully beautiful planet. It's ages since I've last been there, such a shame. What do you think, eh?"
"Actually, Doctor, I'm kind of tired right now. It's been a wonderful day, but why don't we save that for another day, hm?" Amy tried to hold back a yawn and patted The Doctor on the shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm also not really fitanymore. Maybe tomorrow, 'kay?" Rory commented.
Amy grabbed Rory's hand and they both made their way into their room.
"G'night, Doctor," Amy yawned and the door closed behind them. "Sure. Sleep tight, little Amelia."
The Doctor was alone now, walking around the console room of the TARDIS
"'Guess it's time again, isn't it?"
A sad smile crept onto his lips and he slipped down on one side of the controls. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a sharp blade, just a dark red outline disturbing the otherwise perfectly silver surface.
"Oh, you are beautiful." The Doctor muttered under his breath.
Slowly he rolled up his sleeve and set the blade on his arm. He closed his eyes and slowly drew the blade across his skin. It gave him a feeling of relief, finally getting what he deserved.
He opened his eyes again and watched as little red drops of blood fell on the TARDIS floor. He surveyed all the scars marking his left arm. Some were deeper as others, some shorter, some longer, but each one of them reminded The Doctor of how unworthy he is. They reminded him of how selfish he is.
His hands shaking, he positioned the blade again and took a deep breath before he cut his skin again, deeper this time. More blood dripped down his arm and on the floor. He let the blade fall to the floor with a silent ding, ran his fingers through his hair, pulled his legs up to his body and wrapped his arms around them, not minding that he smeared blood all over himself.
Slowly he dropped his head and began to cry silently, always making sure Amy and Rory couldn't hear him.
After what felt like hours to him, he pulled himself together and began to clean the floor from his blood. It took its time because The Doctor was being very thorough.
He quietly went into his own room to change his clothes and clean himself up before someone could see him in that state.
His sleeves rolled down once again, the blade hidden in his pocket and the blood washed away he looked like The Doctor again.
"Good morning, Doctor! Did you sleep well?" Amy entered the console room, where The Doctor had been waiting for her and Rory to wake up.
"Who's up for that planet, what was it called again, Doctor?"
The Doctor laughed and jumped off the chair.
"Sejua. Wanna see it now? As I said yesterday, it's a stunningly beautiful planet, you'll be speechless."
"Of course I do! To Sechu or whatever it's called." She laughed and The Doctor grinned as he set the coordinates to Sejua.
"What's going on?" A sleepy Rory entered the room and looked at them.
"Come on, sleepyhead! We're gonna see Sejua." She gave him a quick kiss and pushed him gently into the bathroom.
With a whooshing sound the TARDIS landed in Sejua and an excited Amy opened the doors, Rory close behind her.
"Oh... Oh my god..." Her mouth dropped open and she stared at the amazing beauty that greeted her. "Doctor, that... that is... I don't know what to say." Amy closed her mouth and turned around to face The Doctor who was smiling at her. "Didn't I say so? Sejua, its beauty is extraordinary."
"It really is... wonderful, Doctor," Rory said in amazement.
"Oh, I know. Last time I've been here... blimey, that's hundreds of years ago. I was a different man back then..." His eyes drifted away for a moment before he rallied again.
Amy was about to step out of the TARDIS, as Rory held her back. "Wait Amy. Is it safe out there, Doctor? I mean... can we breathe? And, there aren't any monsters going to attack us, are there?" Rory asked the man behind him.
"Naah, this planet is totally safe. Not a single harmful thing out there."
"You sure?" Rory asked again.
"Absolutely sure." The Doctor reassured.
"Well then, let's explore Sejua!" Rory said and followed Amy out of the TARDIS.
Amy walked a few metres and stopped in the middle of a flock of these fireflies like things.
"What are they then, Doctor? If they're not fireflies I mean." Amy turned around and saw that The Doctor and Rory who followed her, were also surrounded by them.
"Oh, they're calledSejis. Just let them be, they're not dangerous."
"They're beautiful," Rory remarked.
Amy turned her attention to the sky now, looking at its beautiful colours, changing every second. It was a gorgeous play of colours and Amy couldn't get enough of the sight. A gentle wind blew around her and the sky was dark purple where she stood and orange where Rory stood. The purple turned to red and the orange to yellow, the dark blue at The Doctor slowly turned into lighter blue and it changed so fast and yet so slowly it was magical.
The number of Sejis around her seemed to increase every second and soon Amy couldn't see a thing anymore.
"Doctor? Rory? What... I can't see. a. thing!" She got no response, so she tried to make her way out of the Sejis, but they wouldn't go away.
"Doctor!" Slowly Amy could feel that she began to panic. 'Okay, stay calm,' she said to herself. 'They're not dangerous, The Doctor said so himself.'
Rory stood next to The Doctor, so caught at the sight of the endless amount of colours and changes at the sky that they didn't notice how Amy was slowly being dragged away.
The Sejis around her became more and more and soon Amy got the feeling that she couldn't breathe any more. "DOCTOR! RORY!" she screamed, flailing around. "HELP ME!"
The Doctor was lost in thought and his eyes wore an expression of unbearable sadness so Rory was the one who heard Amy scream for help.
"Amy!" he shouted and ran after her. The Doctor looked around startled. "Rory! What's happening?"
"It's these stupid Sejis, they have Amy!"
The Doctor looked again and could see a bulk of Sejis, heading for the cliff.
"Oh no. Please don't." The Doctor whispered as he began to run after Rory.
"AMY! Hold on, I'm right there!" He searched for his sonic screwdriver in his jacket and grazed his blade.
The sonic screwdriver made a whirring sound as The Doctor tried to find a setting that was helpful.
"Rory, run faster!" The Doctor screamed as he tried it once again. Amy was almost at the rim and The Doctor could only imagine what would happen if she'd fall down there.
"Come on, come on! There has to be something! That just can't happen!" The Doctor mumbled as he ran as fast as he could.
"Yes!" he exclaimed as he finally found the right setting. He pointed the sonic screwdriver at the bunch of Simijani and suddenly they all stopped moving. They began to break up and float away in different directions.
They arrived at the same time and Amy was just getting up again. The Doctor noticed how close Amy really had been to the rim and he frowned.
"Amy! Amy, are you alright?" Rory knelt down beside her and inspected her carefully before he hugged her tight. "I'm... I'm fine. You saved me," she whispered.
After a moment, Rory stood up again and turned to face The Doctor.
"This is all your fault!" he shouted.
"I know and I am sorry, Rory."
"Don't! You said these things aren't dangerous, but they are! They could've killed Amy!"
"Yes, I don't know, the last time I've been here...-"
"I don't care about the last time! Maybe you should do a little research before you take us to a planet with... monsters and tell us there's nothing to worry about!"
"I'm sorr...-"
"Don't waste your breath!"
Rory wrapped one arm around Amy's shoulders and guided her back to the TARDIS.
The Doctor was alone now, standing on the rim of this beautiful, beautiful planet. He stood there for hours, thinking about everything he'd done wrong again and hating himself every second of it, until he finally made his way to the TARDIS.
At night, The Doctor was alone again. Sitting on the floor of the console room, just like yesterday. He had neither spoken with Rory nor with Amy since their argument on the rim. He didn't even want to. Like Rory said, it was all his fault. He puts them in danger, every single time. Every minute they are spending with him could be their last. They're never safe. But they could be. They could have a normal life, grow up, have a family... but they don't. Because he's the selfish man who doesn't want to be alone and instead puts his friends in constant danger.
He pulls out his beloved yet detested blade and his fingers began to tremble again. He couldn't wait any longer today so he cut himself three times in one go. A sigh escaped his lips as relief overwhelmed him and tears began to flood.
He deserved this so much and he knew it. All this anger and pain and guilt inside him clouded his mind and he drew the blade again and again through his pale flesh, every cut a bit deeper than the one before. Eventually he became light-headed, but he didn't even think about stopping. He had to punish himself, it wasn't enough pain. At some moment his hand couldn't hold the blade any longer and it dropped on the floor beside him as his eyes closed without him noticing and he drifted away into a world of darkness.
Amy woke up with a dry throat and dried tears on her cheeks. She looked at Rory sleeping beside her and smiled slightly. He was always so protective over her. She loved him for that, but he shouldn't have yelled at The Doctor like that. She'd felt sorry for him and wanted to tell him that, but as soon as Rory had made her go to bed she fell asleep. She looked at her watch. 2 o'clock in the morning. Well, she could tell him tomorrow. But she definitely had to drink something, otherwise her dry throat wouldn't let her sleep. She got up and quietly walked into the console room of the TARDIS, being careful to not wake anybody up. The kitchen was on the other side of the console room, so she made her way around the console.
She flinched as she stepped on something and looked down. What she saw made her gasp, before she could cover her mouth with her hand. Tears gathered in her eyes and she quickly knelt down beside the unconscious Doctor.
"Doctor..." she wept, "Oh, Doctor..." She gently stroked his hair and put him into a lying position. His arm was covered in blood and so was the floor around him. Quickly, Amy got up and ran to the kitchen. She came back with a bunch of wet towels and slowly began to clean his arm and the floor while tears ran down her face. She put another wet towel on his forehead and sat down beside him waiting for him to wake up.
The Doctor tried to open his eyes, but they were leaden. What happened? He tried to move and felt a sharp pain in his left arm. Did he... Oh yes. He remembered. He looked to his left and jumped at the sight of Amy lying next to him. She was sleeping, but on her cheeks, he could surely see dried tears.
Did she find him yesterday? Oh, please not. The Doctor tried to calm himself down, but just a few moments later Amy awoke. She yawned and opened her eyes.
"Doctor?" she asked confused, but then he could see how she remembered. Amy sat up straight and her eyes filled with tears again as she looked him in the eyes.
"Why?" she asked, her lips trembling.
"I... I... It's nothing... really." The Doctor tried to talk his way out.
"Nothing!" Amy's voice was getting louder, "You scared me to death! You were lying on the floor in your own blood!" Her breathing was shaky and a tear rolled down her cheek.
"I'm sorry, I really am. You shouldn't have found me."
"But... why?" Amy slowly reached for his left arm.
"Don't." said The Doctor and pulled his arm back, but Amy tried again and this time The Doctor did nothing against it. She inspected every single scar and gently followed them with her finger. The Doctor's breathing was rapid and after what felt like hours she looked up again.
"Why?"
"I don't deserve this. Any of this. You, Rory, anything."
She looked at him silently, wanting him to continue.
"I always put you in danger, every time."
"About yesterday... That was nothing, really! It wasn't your fault."
"Not only yesterday. Every single second you are spending with me. I put you in danger. I'm such a selfish person for taking you and Rory with me. Everyone that is with me, is in danger. I shouldn't have taken you with me, but I am so selfish and this is all my fault..."
Tears began to run down his cheeks and Amy drew the shaking figure in front of her in a hug.
"I came voluntarily. And I am sure everybody else did too. You are the least selfish person I know. You are the most caring, most wonderful person in the entire universe. Don't you ever think anything else."
"Of course you came with me willingly! Because everyone who is offered all of time and space will take it! It's never a choice, it's just me being selfish by asking them."
"Don't. Just don't, Doctor. I decided to come with you, not just because you can travel in time and space, but because you are a wonderful person. You deserve to be loved and you surely don't deserve this."
"But I put them in danger... All the time... and it's... always my fault... always... so many people have died because of me... it's all my fault. I steal their lives because I don't want to be alone..."
"They may have died, but they could've always left. But they didn't. Don't you see, Doctor? It's not about time and space and adventures... It's about you. It's all about you. They died because they loved you. Because you're worthy. They love you and they'd never want you to do this to yourself. You make their lives special by showing them things they could've never dreamt of. They may not have the choice the first time they travel in the TARDIS, but the second and the third and all the times after that. They could always leave, but they never do. Because you are such a splendid person. I decided to go with you. Rory decided to go with you. And we will never leave you. Danger is a part of life. Maybe the danger is bigger here with you, but the joy and beauty are as well. I would've never want it any other way. "
The Doctor stayed silent.
"Please don't do this to yourself again. There are so many out there who love you and you're hurting them by doing this. Can you promise me to try to not do it again? I know it will be hard, but always remember that I'm here for you. That we're here for you. You're never alone. Just promise me that you'll talk about it rather than doing this, okay?"
The Doctor nodded against her shoulder and sobbed silently.
They sat like that for hours, just the two of them crying and talking through the rest of the night.
I'm always open for constructive criticism and opinions! (: