Lord of the Rings 2 Frodo the hobo extrordinaire

by skissors

Frodo is back and this time he has more drugs... warning may contain random acts of stupidity and the occasional hint of writing skill nah just messing with ya its total load of junk :P

Lord of the Rings

Part two

The Two Towers\ I'd like to thank God and- what! What are you doing!? NO! Don't throw me there…

"Previously, on Lord of the rings:"

Frodo reached up to let the ring slip on his finger. Then he realised that that was amazingly impossible, even from a small height.

The ring hit his finger and bounced off into his head…

"Gandalf!"

"Elmo kill you!"

"I swear I don't remember!"

"And now: the sequel"

A camera crew zoomed through the mountains of… somewhere, stopping for a brief period of time to watch Tom Williams saying: "Welcome, this is an amazing game-"

Frodo and Sam were sleeping on some rocks. This was incredibly stupid considering that they had mattresses and there was flat ground a few feet away.

"More drugs… mm… drugs…" Frodo muttered in his sleep, "drugs! I mean…. Gandalf!"

"Don't worry, he's dead now. He died in a horrible slow and painful way with the "aaaagghhh! I'm burning! Agh! Splat" and there's no way he could ever come back," said Sam.

"You always know what to say Sam…"

"I know." Frodo went back to sleep.

The next day they were climbing down a piece of rope when Sam drops a small wooden box that he had been stroking and purring at.

"Catch it!"

"What is it?" Frodo caught it just in time.

"Drugs… I mean… salt… for when we have a roast chicken or something…"

"Chicken?"

"Or roast orc. Whatever we find first… oh by the way, do you still need your foot?"

"Sam!"

"Yeah but if you don't need it I could just add a bit of mari- salt… and it would be the perfect hallucination causing meal… mmm… hallucinations…"

"But Sam! You know my foot is made of wood!"

"Both of them?"

slight pause as Frodo realises what's going on.

"Oh you mean only one of them… yeah you can have one… as soon as we get to Mordor…"

"Aw! I don't want to wait!"

During the night a dark and mysterious figure crept slowly down in a vertical fashion across sharp rocks.

Sam, who was too pumped on caffeine to sleep, saw it coming and thought of the best possible thing to say without possible severe injuries being caused to him. Then it came to him.

"Honk your horn!"

Elmo halted for a second, and then hopped all the way down.

"You should come see this! It's cool!" Elmo said.

Sam woke Frodo, and they followed Elmo to a small clearing past the rocks. What they saw there was almost as scary as the theatre.

Meanwhile, in the theatre:

"That was so sad! That was the best play\movie\mysterious-smoke-induced-hallucination I've ever had!"

"Yes, I now love "The Wizard of Oz" instead of fearing for my life!"

One of the audience members fiddled with the doorknob, while still walking and talking. Unfortunately for him, it was locked, resulting in a minor concussion.

"What! It's still locked!"

"We're all going to die!"

"It's the apocalypse! Everyone! Repent!"

There was a lot of screaming, and yelling, and no one remembers what happened after people tried to climb on top of each other… trying to climb to the roof.

What Frodo and Sam saw was indeed a strange and amusing sight.

It was Gollum and Smeagle trying to kill each other.

Smeagle was winning.

"Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! Die! No! You die! I said it first! Nobody likes you! They'll like me when I kill you! I'm gonna get you! I'd like to see you try!"

This was followed by a few swift punches and a brief interlude.

Brief interlude.

Because I have forgotten all 3 and a half hours of LOTR 2, I will now write a parody of "Forrest Gump"

A feather from a duck that had just been shot down and brutally murdered in a horrific way that would be best described as an evil demonic ritual, floated down from the sky.

It had no relevance to this story.

A fat person, who looked like they had been horribly disfigured in a car crash, causing layers of skin to hang off every part of their body -that, or they were just FAT! I mean, like amazingly huge! - Sat down near an odd looking, possibly retarded, but obviously well respected member of society (like all retarded people).

The… odd-looking guy (also known as a person) suddenly turned his head.

The… person, (who I'd like to call Fatty-boom-boom from now on. yes, I know it's mean.) jumped… or at least jiggled slightly upwards, with fright.

"MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID THAT LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATE!" Forrest Gump yelled into poor Fatty-boom-booms' ear as loud as he could.

"YOU EAT IT!" he turned back to the road.

Fatty-boom-boom was now scared so much, he hoped that one of his many rolls of flab had burst and that liquid (now leaking slowly downwards) was fat instead of… water.

Then it occurred to him, that some exercise would do him some good. Even if it may kill him, it was better than being next to this freak!

He slowly backed away… then ran… then panted… then walked a few steps… then collapsed… then died because he couldn't breathe, because all his flab was crushing him. Just like a whale.

Forrest sat there, smiling, unaware of the tragedy that just happened 2 feet away from him.

I now resume my parody of LOTR.

Smeagol had almost one in his fight, but had to stop, due to severe injuries. Frodo was caring enough to nearly strangle him and drag him through gravel.

"Thank you master! Ow! Thankyou for your kindness!"

Frodo showed his gratitude by a sudden and incredibly painful (for Smeagol) tug on the rope.

"Shut up! I'm not paying you to grovel!"

"Because you're a kind master that doesn't- ow! Burden poor Smeagol with- ow! money!"

There were more quick tugs, all resulting in another cut or bruise, or possibly even a minor skull fracture.

"Sam! Stop throwing rocks at him! He's in enough pain what with me strangling him every three seconds!"

"Sorry for throwing rocks at his head it was just so fun watching him cower!"

"Well stop it! It's my job to hurt him!"

Meanwhile, the Uruk Hai were carrying merry and pippin towards Isengard while bobbing up and down. The leader of the Uruks bobbed up next to another ugly looking thing that was sniffing the air.

"What do you smell?" he asked.

"Roar! I'm a dinosaur!" replied the other.

"No! What do you smell?"

"Dinosaurs!"

Slaps over the back of the head were exchanged and the hobbits watched.

"Merry! How did we ever get captured by such a bunch of idiots!?"

"We were high I think… did they capture us with large butterfly nets made of gold?"

"No… pretty sure they just grabbed us and took us away while Aragorn was slashing at air hoping to kill everyone…"

"Then yes… I was high… ha! You weren't stoned and you got captured by some idiots!"

"Shut up! At least I have a plan to be rescued!"

"What? Drop that leaf emblem on the ground and hope someone finds it?"

"Uh… yeah…"

"I already did that."

"Curse you!"

Aragorn was listening to random rocks and running around aimlessly while Legolas and Gimli followed.

Gimli stopped to breathe. "Captains log: star date… 11th of September… 3 days pursuit and no sign of our quarry but the ravings of a mad man and his pet rock…"

Aragorn signalled them to stay still… that or Shut up.

"Something evil is afoot" Aragorn still hadn't looked back at the rest of the gang.

"Your foot?" asked Legolas knowing it was a stupid question. But after all, Aragorn is very stupid.

"No. Someone else's"

"No I meant-"

"Steroids! It gives these creatures great speed!"

"But-'

"Or maybe it's just speed…."

Legolas turned to Gimli "Why are we following this idiot?"

"Lack of responsibility"

"Oh yeah…"

Saruman looked over his underground factories and beckoned an orc to his side.

"We must get more weapons! Work the furnaces night and day!"

"But we don't have the fuel to feed the fires!"

"The forest of fangorn lies on our doorstep… no wonder no one comes to visit me"

"I thought it was because you're an ugly retarded piece of-"

"Silence! We must have party!"

"That was random."

"And we must rent out the collectors edition of "crouching drunk, hidden sniper"!"

"But you already own it sir. Why not just take your brain medicine instead?"

"And then burn the forest! AH HA HA HA! Burn it to the ground!"

"To fuel the fires so we can make lots of shiny armour?"

"Now that you mention the word shiny I think your plan is better than just wasting all that wood… oooh! Shiny… go forth and burn the forests! And don't forget to make party invitations! But don't invite that "Bob Dylan" guy… I don't like him…"

The orc shook his head as he walked away muttering something about "one day… retard will get it then..."

Saruman also decided he wanted all of mankind destroyed so he decided to make them kill themselves and betray their own kind. So he got a bunch of old smelly people, told them to revolt (as in go kill other people not be revolting. They can do that without being told to.)

"Too long have these peasants stood against you!" he said dramatically.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Agh! Who are you!?" he spun around to see a small man with a balaclava on his head standing there holding a TV.

"…. Um… good question… I'll just take your TV and run away now"

Then a brief interlude started!

Brief interlude

Dozens of men and orcs lay dead in what could have been a river or some kind of large puddle… the Rohirrim rode up and the kings nephew instantly jumped into action and commanded the troops around.

"Save the drugs before they get wet! Oh…. and find survivors… yeah…"

"Shouldn't we find the king's son or relative or something?" said one of the soldiers.

"You just lost your milk money with that question."

"Aw! Now all I have is drug money!"

"You have drug money? I mean… you may have your milk money back…"

"Yay!"

"Now you have to give me your drug money…"

"Aw…"

Back at the castle hut thing where the old guy lives Grima was talking into the King's ear telling him that his nephew had been a very naughty boy.

"Your nephew has been a very naughty boy."

The king murmured.

Grima turned towards the soldiers that had brought in the orc helmet with the white hand of Saruman on it. "So leave already! Do not trouble an already troubled mind!"

Ten minutes later Grima found himself pinned up against a wall.

"How long since saruman bought you? When all the men are dead what share of the treasure will you get?"

Eowyn walked past and Grima's eyes couldn't help but wander.

Eowyn stopped and turned towards the pair. "Sorry. Did I walk past too soon?"

"No no. that's perfect. I have a reason to bash this guy up now"

Eowyn smiled. "It's been a pleasure helping you"

"Oh wait… no!" Grima cowered.

"Hi!" Alf appeared from nowhere.

"Alf!?" said everyone at the simultaneously.

"Yes! Tis I! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA H AH AH AH HA HA HA AH AH AH AH AH AH…………… HA HA HA!"

"Hoorah!" said Grima.

"Quiet you! I'm not here to help you! I'm here to beat you!"

"But… alf promised!"

"Alf lied…"

Maniacal laughter could be heard in the background as Alf advanced on Grima with a twirling chain.

But then the guards took him and the King's Nephew away and banished them.

"They run as if they haven't had a fix in 2 days and there's a hippy music festival nearby" Aragorn said while looking at the horizon as is there was actually something there.

"There is a hippy music festival nearby," said Legolas.

"Blast! We'll never catch them now!"

"Want to play poker?"

"Ok."

The orcs and Uruk hai settled down for camp.

"We aint going nowhere until we've had a breather!" said one of the orcs.

"Yes! Drugs!"

"No I meant a rest"

"…. Sleeping pills?"

"Do you think of anything besides drugs?"

"There are other things besides drugs?"

"Well… maybe... I don't know… I was hoping you would know"

"Sorry. I'm just an extra that's about to be eaten…. Agh! I'm being eaten!"

While all the hungry orcs were busy feasting on one of their own Merry and Pippin started to talk about the strange noises coming from the forest.

"What's making that noise?"

"Either peter Jackson… or the trees…"

"Trees you say?"

"Yes but probably Peter Jackson. He does sound like someone related to Michael Jackson and we do look like children…"

"But trees you say?"

"So this is what they meant by "drugs make you go insane…""

"I'm over here Pippin…"

"Oh right," Pippin turned to face Merry, "do you remember back in Buckland where the folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall?"

"What did you call me!?"

"… Just in the past 10 minutes or over the past 10 years? I don't think we have time for either…"

"What is that supposed to mean!?" Merry seemed quite upset for some reason.

"That there's a bunch of Rohan riders about to go on a psycho killing rampage and kill all the orcs and possibly us?"

"Oh… oh…"

Spears flew out from no where and people on horses rode in with swords decapitating every Orc and Uruk hai they could find.

"Agh! I'm dying! I've been stabbed in the chest by a huge spear! Oh I'm in so much pain right now! I'm dying slowly and painfully! I've quite literally been impaled upon some large pointy metal object! Oh this is so painful!"

"Enough! Its just as painful listening to you whine!" said one of the humans and cut his head off.

"Wouldn't it have made more sense to chop off my head instead or yours!? I'm the one dying slowly here! Oh I'm in so much pain!"

Fellow orc chops head off the other's head off.

"Huh!? Why did you do that!? I'm still in severe pain you know!"

"Agh! Your head is still alive!"

"Yes! It's supposed to live on for a while after it's been separated from the body!"

"So… how long do you think it will take?"

Long pause as people in the background scream and die.

"Dead yet?"

"Nope…"

"Oh… how about now?"

"No!"

"Now?"

"No! And why did you try to kill me anyway! I'm on your side!"

"I find you very annoying… you wail on about how much pain you're in even when its just a small splinter…"

"Hey! That splinter came from a spear you know!"

"You were fine! No wonder that guy killed himself! Who wants to listen to a cry-baby complain about having a splinter in their chest?"

"My mom…"

"And how come you can still talk even though you have no lungs?"

"Um…. Oh I think I just died… blah… see? Dead as stone…"

"Hmm… stone... that gives me and idea…"

"Ow! Don't throw rocks at me!"

"Ha! You're not dead! And it's a stone not a rock!"

"Same thing!"

The orc that still had a body stood up. "People please! Can't we all just get along!? Chill out dudes and let the rhythm take you away man…"

All of a sudden the hippy music festival starts and instead of stabbing and killing orcs and the other things they join them in some light festive dancing and joint smoking fun… once again the worlds problems have been solved by the miracle of hippy music like Woodstock…

"Pippin? Pippin!"

"Huh? Oh yeah… hello"

"No you idiot."

"How's it been old buddy? Long time no see!"

"I haven't left your side since we were captured… sometime… I don't remember when it was… feels like we're in some kind of strange piece of literature and this is the sequel to an even weirder story that was written over a year ago and-"

"Yes… interesting... you were saying?"

"Oh yeah… stop enjoying the gay music and lets get out this place! It's full of insane weirdos that don't die when you chop their heads off!!!"

Pause.

"How is this any different from the shire?"

Pause.

"Shut up and let's go already!"

Legolas randomly stopped running and turned around. "A red sun rises… a hippy festival happened last night…"

"No… it's probably just pollution choking the atmosphere causing the destruction of ozone and chemically changing the molecular make out of the air causing the light to be reflected differently causing a red instead or blue sky…"

"That's just scary…" said Gimli shivering.

"Yeah I know... Aragorn just said something intelligent…"

"Dude… scary…"

"Who are you?" Legolas turned around to see two ugly teenagers standing in front of a phone booth.

"I'm Bill S. Preston!"

"And I'm Theodore Logan!"

They do something with air guitars as Aragorn and Legolas back away slowly.

"Where's the noise coming from?" Legolas whispered.

"Just keep walking… just keep walking… RUN! Ha ha! Made you run! Ow! Don't throw rocks!"

After a while the Rohirrim (also known as ho-hum) showed up, made fun of the size of Gimli, and did the Macarena.

Aragorn was still listening to rocks.

They knew the meaning of life.

They didn't tell him.

"Da-da-da something. More gibberish. Heeeeeeyyyy Macarena!"

"That was a great version of the Macarena… uh…" Legolas turned to Gimli. "What's his name?" he whispered.

Gimli thought for a while.

"I don't know. Just make it up. They all sound similar anyway!"

"Ahem. That's a great version of the Macarena, mister… Eowen! Full of… twists… and a lot of shaking of your… rear… end…"

The guy, who was not a girl or named Eowen, smiled.

"I choreographed it myself!"

Legolas bent down to Gimli.

"Is it just me? Or are all the people we meet, completely retarded freaks?"

"What does retarded mean?"

"It's elvish… for dwarf…"

"But how can it-"

"Hi Aragorn! Have the rocks told you the meaning of life yet?" yelled Legolas; desperately trying to change the subject.

"No. But one said he'd tell me if I gave him some of my brain medicine that I never take!"

"How come you know it's a "he"?"
Aragorn opened his mouth, and then shut it, before anything stupid came out of it.

"Oh yeah. Did you see any hobbits? They would look like small children to your eyes and they were being carried by a bunch of orcs and Uruk hai."

"We killed all the orcs and burnt them! No one was left alive! No, we didn't see any hobbits… but we did see peter Jackson hunching over, hiding something under his cape, as he walked away into the forest… they say he's related to Michael Jackson so there's no point trying to get back your hobbits… they're long gone by now… even if you do manage to find them they wont be the hobbits you once knew… sorry my friend…"

"No! I don't believe you! Peter promised me I was the only one!"

"What!?"

"I mean... the only one he'd… um… he said… uh…. Wait… we're not talking about who's getting paid are we?"

"Where did that come into this!?" said Legolas after decided that we was getting pushed out of the conversation.

"Want to see my version of the Macarena?"

"NO! I mean… no…um… thankyou… Run!"

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ran for their lives.

"After them men!"

Suddenly, the rocky landscape -that was obviously not intended for horses- turned into a highway, and those pesky horses and feet, where replaced… by V8 super-cars!

"Vroom! Vroom! Vvrrrooooooommmm!"

"Uh, Gimli? You have to turn the key first."

Luckily, the Rohirrim hadn't figured this out, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli escaped.

"Wait! Weren't they the good guys?" said Legolas.

"I don't know, but they'll probably be the bad guys now," said Aragorn.

"Why?"

"Cause this car comes with buttons. I like buttons."

"What's that got to do with-"

"I like to press buttons. Like that one that said "semi-nuclear warhead-missile thing" and I hear a big bang a few seconds afterwards."

"You idiot!"

"I like buttons."

Just then, a group of time travelling monkeys materialised in the middle of space.

They had nuclear bombs.

They like explosions.

They headed for Middle Alf.

All they can say is "prepare to be eaten oversized banana!"

They'll be back.

"Yo! Yo! Yo! Y'all! How's y'all do-eeeeeeng? We got some wicked-funky tunes for y'all t'night! Up next is "homey doggy" by some band that dan't exist y'all!"

"Turn that stupid radio off! It's not supposed to exist!" Legolas yelled at Aragorn.

"OK."

"cccchhh… chhh… we are the monkey invasion force- chhh…domination-"

Aragorn turned the radio off.

"Any idea what's supposed to happen next?" asked Legolas.

"No."

"Then lets just stand here. Where ever "here" is."

"Why don't we go insane?" said Gimli.

"Hmm… good idea…"

They ran in circles, screaming and shouting, "We're all going to DIIIE!"

This was quite productive in moving the plot along.

Brief interlude.

Aragorn and his tag-alongs found the giant smouldering pile of hippies, orcs and Uruks that the crazy people had told them about earlier. They started looking through the ashes in the vain attempt to discover the twisted burnt remains of Merry's face and maybe even Pippin's wallet.

"Ooh! A subway sandwich!"

"Ew! Gimli! It has mayonnaise in it!"

"Agh!" Gimli dropped it and moved ash onto it.

"Please you two! We need to find the hobbits!" Legolas said while looking at tracks in the ground.

"The what-its?" asked Aragorn.

"Hobbits"

"Sorry. Just say that again"

"Hobbits!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha… ha… ha… ha ha ha!"

"What's so funny about the word "hobbits"?"

"Oh… you said hobbits… oh… oh… oh…"

"What did you think I said!?"

"Nothing… nothing… he he he…"

"Well seeing how you say you're a master tracker why don't you just find what happened to the hobbits!"

"Since when did I say that?"

"Um… on one of those dating websites…"

"But how would you know-"

"Just track them!"

"Wait… I see tracks… a hobbit lay here… ooh! 5 cents!"

"Aragorn!"

"Right… sorry…"

They discovered that the hobbits had run into the forest and followed them.

Meanwhile, the hobbits had found a large talking tree

"Come little children! Clime onto my face!" said Treebeard.

"Ok" said Pippin and so Merry and Pippin climbed onto Treebeard.

"Some people call me treebeard… and some people have been viciously squished and killed in a slow and horrible death involving squirrel droppings… ha ha ha!"

"The tree is talking!" said Pippin looking really shocked even though he had established that fact a minute ago when Treebeard had invited them to climb all over his face.

"Oh so I'm guessing it's the first time for you to be picked up by a large psychotic tree that thinks you look like a small version of an orc? What have you been smoking? Because I need some of that right now… 22 times and its still as scary as the first time…" replied Merry.

"Yeah pretty much"

"I am not a hallucination!"

"That's what they all say before the catch on fire and run around screaming at the moon about how it keeps stealing its thoughts… then comes the hoards and hoards of bloodthirsty mice!" Merry miles evilly and fiddles with his fingers in anticipation for the killing.

"Um… ok…"

"The moon is stealing my thoughts! And bloodthirsty mice inhabit the forest! But I'm not on fire!"

"Well if you don't catch on fire I suppose you could still let us go…"

"I'd rather die!"

"I'd be glad to help! If only I had a lighter!"

"Oh! Use mine!" treebeard handed the hobbits a lighter

"O… K…."

"On the condition you don't use my lighter to burn me!"

"Oh… dang…"

"Oh and now I'm just going to show to man in white clothes who claims to be a wizard!"

"Oh goody! A white wizard!" said Pippin.

"Oh no! Saruman!" Said Merry who was a bit smarter than Pippin.

After a short walk in the black forest they came across a very bright area where a man was standing. Legolas was scared by the bright light and instantly reacted.

"Agh! You shot me with an arrow! Agh! How could you do that!?" Gandalf walked away from the light.

"Oh! Sorry. I though you were Saruman!"

"I am saruman! Die fools!"

Long pause.

"Shouldn't we be dead by now?"

"Nah I'm just messing with you… I'm not really Saruman!"

They all laugh.

"But I will still hurt you for attacking me!"

Matrix styled fight with seemingly unlimited bullets breaks out and soon they forget what they're doing and leave the forest to put its own fires out… they drove away in their V8 super cars not caring about the trees they kept crashing into.

After hitting something very large and person shaped Aragorn got back onto his horse that had magically appeared and rode away. He saw some village on a hill near the horizon so he went there in hope of some food and drugs.

"Look! The dead marshes!" Gollum jumped up and down pointing

"All right! Jet skis!" said Sam.

"No! That's what they want you to do!" Gollum was quite terrified.

"All right! Someone wants me!"

They start jet skiing across the marshes while music plays and the dead rise and start dancing. Gollum was just standing there with his left eye twitching wondering what was going on when all of a sudden a nazgul appeared above.

The hobbits quickly turned off the music and hid under some bushes.

"They're calling for it! They're calling for the precious!" cried Gollum.

"Tell them it's not here!" yelled Frodo.

"Right," Gollum turned back to mobile phone, "sorry. We don't have it. Go look elsewhere."

Eowen cried over her dead brother's body as Grima came through the door.

"Oh… he must have died during the night… I know his passing must be difficult…"

"It would be easier if you stopped stabbing his cold dead body continuously!"

"Oh I wish I could stop stabbing your dead brother but it's just so hard!"

Disgusted, Eowen walked out of the great hall and breathed in some non-halluciagenic air. She looked over the little village and sighed.

"Where oh where is my brother or… cousin… relative of some sort? The concert is on tonight and we haven't rehearsed his version of the Macarena together yet!" she put the back of her hand on her forehead and collapsed on the ground.

"Smeg!" she'd forgotten that no one was near her to catch her.

She got back up again and saw her underwear come off the clothesline where she was drying the flag and other pieces of clothing.

"SMEG! I mean… dang-nabbit!" to be royalty she had to constantly remind herself to be polite.

She also had to be-head the maids for not pegging her undies to the clothesline properly.

Aragorn had nearly reached the entrance to the random village, when ladies underwear fell on his head and blinded him.

"Agh! What is this foreign substance!?"

"That would be wool Aragorn… It comes from sheep." Said Legolas said as he rode past him.

Aragorn fell off his horse kicking and screaming.

After dragging Aragorn into the village and up some very pointy stairs covered in blood they came to Eowen who was standing there tapping her foot.

"Do you know whose ugly old grandma do these belong to?" Legolas said holding up the underwear really close to her face.

"Those are mine!" she grabbed them off him. "Hey! These are stained with… jam!? Why do these have jam on them?"

"They landed on Aragorn's face just after he ate a jam sandwich…"

"Oh… ok then. Come in to meet my psycho of a father! Just don't bring any swords or he'll go psycho and start yelling prime numbers at you!" her smile was beginning to disturb Legolas so they quickly dropped all their weapons and went in.

Gollum jumped up and pointed towards the black gate. "See! See! I led you out hobbitses!"

"Oh thank goodness!" sighed Sam

"I thought we'd never get out of that conga line made entirely of characters from Sesame Street!" Frodo nearly collapsed from fatigue.

"How did it start anyway?"

"Well when they eventually figured out that Elmo had left and they were free of his evil tyranny they just had to celebrate…"

"Curse you Elmo! Wherever you may be! You will no longer be the Hitler of children's television!"

"I'm right here!" said Elmo as he came out from behind a strange rock.

"Agh! I mean… I though you were trying to kill Aragorn…"

"He got away… do you know where he is?"

"Um… yeah… over that way…"

"Thanks! Elmo looks forward to killing you soon!"

When Elmo had disappeared Sam turned to Frodo. "But isn't that the way to McDonalds? The place of no return? The home of the Michael Jackson clone also known as "Ronald McDonald"? why did you send him to that psycho clown!? Why did you try to kill Elmo!?"

Sam starts to break down and cry.

"It's for the better… It's for the better…"

Frodo holds him.

"Get a room." said Gollum.

"Get a… toupee!"

"That's the best you can throw at me?"

"No. This is."

"Ow! That was a really heavy rock!"

Warning: the following scene explains something in the movie that wasn't explained for all those who haven't read the book.

Frodo crept over the conveniently placed mound of gravel that was removed for number 3 of the trilogy. He took at one look at the open black gate, and went insane.

"HA! HA! HA! HA! Black! It's black! HA! HA! HA! HA! There's an evil eye! That's watching me always, always watching! HA! HA! HA! HA! It wants me DEAD!" He ran wildly towards Mordor with arms flailing madly.

"Wait! Mr. Frodo!" yelled one of the Sams.

There was a blur of light, it all happened so fast, Sam held Frodo firmly to the ground. He drew the magic elvish cloth (which can camouflage itself) over both of them and kept him still while random evil people walked into Mordor, and the gate was shut.

"Don't do that again! You may die!" he got up and walked around aimlessly.

They then ran around in circles while yelling "HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! We're all going to DDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" until Gollum stepped in and shut them up.

"There's another way in!"

"Why didn't you tell us this?" asked Sam who was very upset seeing how he was having fun running round in circles.

"I need the money from the sequel"

"What?"

"I mean… you didn't ask… yes… there is a path… then some stairs… and then… a McDonalds…"

"But it's safe from then on right?" asked Frodo

"Then a giant spider"

"Sounds safe to me. Do you have a problem with it so far?"

"And bones bones bones! And then a large toxic wasteland full of orcs!"

"Oh I love this so far! I see no danger in it at all!" said Sam who was now smiling.

"Nothing but hunger and thirst and pits, pits, pits! And the great eye watching! Always watching me!"

"Sorry. Did you say something after "yes… there is a path…"?" Frodo turned to Gollum who was cringing behind a rock.

The only surviving soldier from the encounter with Aragorn and his button loving frenzy (besides Theodor) finished dancing Theodor's version of the Macarena in front of the king. (Very hard, considering that he was in a cast from his toes to the top of his helmet that had melted into his skull, but seeing how he was the average noble family member, it didn't have any negative effect… except the occasional seizures, but they were well disguised as his version of the Macarena.)

"That was great! But two things, one: I think you might be bleeding out of your forehead. Two: who are you?" asked King Theoden.

"I'm your favourite general! I've served next to you in battle dozens of times over the years!"

"Off with his head!" he yelled at his personal bodyguard.

"I'm not the executioner sir."

Theoden turned his wrinkled head to face the "nu-ca-la" bomb victim.

"You! Kill him!"

The royal bodyguard leaned closer to Theoden's head.

"Sir, we don't have an executioner. We banish people."

Theoden looked shocked. "Off with your head!" he screeched.

"If you say so sir…" The royal bodyguard slit at his throat with a knife and he died.

King Theodor kicked the body as hard as he could. "Off with his head! Off with his head!" he yelled while kicking the dead body furiously.

"Ahem," Aragorn said, "We've been standing hear for the past five minutes. Could you acknowledge we exist?"

"Off with his head!" Theoden screeched at the dead body still at his feet. "Off with his head!"

"Ok. This obviously isn't going to work so I have a plan," said Legolas as they huddled into a circle.

"Off with his head!" The king was still yelling over and over until a large wooden block hit his head. Furious he turned towards Legolas. "Are you the executioner?"

"Um… sure... why not?"

"Ooh!" The king giggled excitingly and clapped his hands.

All of a sudden Gandalf jumped up from the floor and put his hand in the king's face.

"I release you from the spell!"

The king laughs at Gandalf… then has a heart attack

"He's had a heart attack!" said a random soldier at the edge of the room.

"You killed Theoden!" said another.

"No wait! I'm not dead! I was just imprisoned by that impostor! He had been sitting on me for the past year and a half! You couldn't hear my screams for help because they were muffled by- wait! Where are you all going!?"

"Three cheers for Gandalf! He killed the ugly king!" all the soldiers had lifted Gandalf over their soldiers and were carrying him out of them room.

"I'm not dead!"

They turned around.

"Oh… I mean… Oh! Good! It was an impostor all along!"

The rest of the soldiers murmured.

"Prepare for battle against the orcs!"

The soldiers cheered. "Hoorah for the real king!"

They rushed to the stables and found a stark raving mad horse that was pretending to play poker and kicking anyone that came near it. Aragorn saw this as the perfect opportunity to walk over and pat a horse… Aragorn crept slowly towards the horse as if under some kind of spell.

"That horse is half mad! Leave him my lord!"

Aragorn speaks elvish and the horse calms down.

"I didn't know you spoke elvish!"

"I was speaking what now?"

"That's amaizing! He's stopped killing people!"

"Release this horse! I like to hunt my food…"

"But-"

"Silence fool!" Aragorn slaps the man. "Do not argue with me! Release this creature at once and I will hunt him at dawn!"

The horse was released but then the king decided to go to Helms deep so Aragorn didn't get to kill the horse.

At that very moment in Isengard Grima had run away and was talking to Saruman.

"You're my bestest friend!"

"I'm your only friend! And how come you're the only one that showed up for my party!?"

"Party? Oh! So that's why you had all the balloons outside and all the orcs were well dressed and said "welcome to the party sir" at the front door…"

"You better have something worthwhile to say or I will kill you in a moment…"

"The kingdom of Rohan is retreating to Helms deep. It's a dangerous path through the mountains… they will be slow… they'll have women... and children with them"

"Children you say?"

"Agh!" They turned around "Peter Jackson!"

"The very same! Now again only this time with feeling!"

"By "feeling" what do you mean?" Grima backed away slowly.

Frodo was sitting down enjoying his rabbit stew when a bunch of men in black clothes and some riding on large elephant creatures walked past and spilt his pot.

"Hey!" Frodo got up to defend his stew but arrows whirred past his ears and killed everyone. Gollum quickly ran away and Sam started looking in the people's pockets for extra drugs or money. Then Farimir grabbed Frodo and poked a sword at his face.

"Tell me why you are here!"

Sam was still looking in people pockets and didn't notice.

"We're bound to an errand of secrecy! You'll never get it out of us!" Frodo yelled.

"Not even if I tickle you?"

"No! You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yes I would!" Farimir started tickling Frodo.

"Stop it! Ha ha! No! Ha! Oh please stop it! Ha ha ha! I can't take it any longer!"

"You do realise that this looks really weird. What with you being a grown man tickling what looks like a small child?" said a nearby soldier. The soldier soon was replied by a large rock that hit his head and knocked him unconscious.

The caravan of villagers and soldiers stopped to rest and Eowen approached Aragorn.

"I made some stew!" she shoved a bowl of brown liquid in his hands before he could react.

"Agh! It's horrible! It burns!"

"You haven't tasted it yet!"

"Oh right… agh! It's horrible! It burns!"

"You still haven't tasted it yet!"

"Right…" he tastes it and shakes his head, "it's… good…"

"Yay! Everyone else just swore and killed themselves when I gave them a taste! Thank you Aragorn!" she hugs him and turns away.

Aragorn quickly throws the bowl over his shoulder.

A random, and very unfortunate, soldier was walking behind Aragorn at that exact moment and was hit in the face by the stew. "AGH! It burns my eyes!" he fell to the floor screaming and gets out sword and kills himself.

"What was that?" Eowen turns around.

"Nothing… just go and give some of your stew to Gimli… ah ha ha… Ah ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA!!!"

"Ok then!" Eowen smiles and rushes away "Oh gimli!"

The next night Aragorn woke up and started talking.

"I had the strangest dream involving my girlfriend and a very large cake…"

"Really?" said a voice from the corner.

"Yeah. She said that I could eat the entire cake that she had cooked just for me… and it was full of gold!"

"Really?"

"Yes. And then a dragon came from nowhere and started to dance…"

"Um… o…k…"

"Wait… aren't you Alf?"

"Shh! Don't tell anyone!"

Aragorn pauses…

"Ok!" he smiles and gets up.

A party of wargs then attacked and killed several people that weren't Gimli… Aragorn of course was expected to kill off some which cheered him up a bit up until the bit where he was thrown off a cliff.

Later on in the day the Caravan sees Helms deep.

"Helms deep! We're safe!" said woman#1

Just then a meteor hits her and she dies instantly.

"Everyone besides her is safe!" said woman#2

Just then a meteor hits her and she dies instantly.

"Run and you might be safe!" yelled women#3

Just then a football hits her.

Aragorn floated down a river and washed up upon the shore. The horse he had recently tried to kill came up next to him and tried to roll him over.

"The horse! It's trying to roll me over and save me!" Aragorn thought to himself.

"I can't get to his drugs! Roll over you fat idiot!" thought the horse.

Of course Frodo had been captured and tickle tortured by the evil Farimir. But now Farimir had taken a different approach. Asking them questions.

"Where are you from?"

"We are from the shire" replied Frodo

"And is he your bodyguard?"

"No. He is just a cow."

"I forgot Sam the cow was following us!" Said Sam who was quite surprised to find his rival standing right next to him.

"Yeah… what has he been doing all this time?"

"moo."

Sam the cow just blinked and ate grass.

A little while later, in a makeshift dungeon Sam was thinking of a way to escape.

"I have a plan!" said Sam

"No drugs!"

"But-"

"No drugs!"

"Ok then how a-"

"No fire either!"

"Aw!"

"No plagues of rats, insects or amphibians of any kind either!"

"How about a plague of fish?"

"Fish?"

"Yes."

"Ok"

Long pause

"Do you have any fish?" asked Frodo.

"No… not really…"

Just then Farimir decided to use his expert skills to steal the ring… he jumped out of nowhere and grabbed the ring.

"Give me the ring!"

"No! It was a birthday present! From someone else's birthday!" Frodo and Farimir struggled over the ring trying to pry each others hands off it.

"Give it to me! I'll tickle you again!"

"Never! Hiss!"

"Stop it! Can't you see? He's severely retarded and if you take the ring from him he's going to chuck a tantrum!"

"Maybe you're right…" Farimir stood up and let go of Frodo, "but there's only one way to find out! Give me the ring!" He jumped at Frodo again.

"Never!"

Sam sighed and just decided it was best to watch them for the fun of it.

Aragorn rode the horse to Helms deep where he was given a warm welcome from everyone except Legolas.

"Oh Aragorn! I thought you were dead!" Eowen rushed over and jumped at Aragorn but he moved out of the way just in time and she fell.

"You're late! Now I wish you did die!"

"That's a bit harsh Legolas!"

"Shut up! Leave me alone!" Legolas stormed off.

"Oh Aragorn! I'm so glad you're alive! I love you! I want your kids!"

"Let go of my leg you raving lunatic!"

"And I'll call them Bobby, George, Charlie, Eomer, Rove, Daniel…"

"Agh! She's cutting off the circulation to my leg!"

"… Luke, Steve, Harry and Richard."

"That's all?"

"And I'll call the girls Leah, Katrina, Vivian…"

"Agh!" Aragorn tried running away with Eowen still attached to his leg…

"How did you get her off your leg?" Asked Gimli who was inspecting Aragorns wounds he got from Eowens Fingernails. "She really dug her nails in deep…"

"It wasn't easy… I had to tell her I was gay…"

There was complete silence.

"I'm not gay!"

"Oh!" there were murmurs of happiness from all the men as if they were relieved beyond real words.

"Now let's get to the point. An army of ten thousand marches to helms deep! It is an army bread for only one purpose!" Said Aragorn.

"To party?" asked Theoden.

"No. It was not bread to party down… but I was!"

Music starts and everyone starts dancing.

"No! We must focus on the task at hand!" yelled Legolas.

"Exactly! We don't have enough food for a party!" yelled Aragorn.

"No you idiot! We're all going to die because an army is going to slaughter us all in a horrible and painful fashion involving large pointy swords that will cut us up like a hot knife through butter!"

"Now you made Aragorn cry!" said Gimli.

"I'm scared!" Aragorn started crying.

Back in the forest, Treebeard had stopped his maniacal laughter and had arranged a meeting with the rest of the talking trees. It had been a few hours so Merry threw a rock at Treebeard's head.

"What's taking so long?" he asked hoping he wasn't about to get squished.

"We have only finished saying good morning" Said Treebeard as if nothing had just hit him in the head.

"What? That's it?"

"Yes"

"I told you we should have burnt him in his sleep…" whispered Pippin.

"Patience young one… the time for burning shall come…" whispered Merry.

Back at Helms deep where the sun is setting Aragorn was sitting on the stairs next to a young child.

"Give me your sword young man," he commanded.

"Ok."

"Ha Ha! Now I've got your sword! Nyah nyah nyah!"

"Hey! Give it back! I need that to kill things!" Aragorn held the kid back with one hand while holding his sword in the other.

"Oh yeah? Ok I guess you can have it- oh wait! No you can't! oooooooh!"

"Give him back his sword!"

"Sorry Legolas!"

Aragorn did as he was told and sheepishly sat down again.

Just then a brief interlude started!

Brief interlude

"That is no orc horn!" said Legolas who was having random mood swings and felt like stating the obvious.

"Gasp! Badgers!" Aragorn smiled.

"What? No! It's elves!"

"Aw… I wanted badgers… or bananas… bananas are good"

Before Legolas could hit Aragorn a guard came in.

"It's the elves!"

They rushed to greet the elves.

"Give us the city!" Said the main Elf

"But… I thought you wanted to help us!" said Legolas.

"Oh… oh… oh right… yeah… um… yeah… help you guys… yeah that's what we're here to do right huh fellas?"

"Um… yeah…" said several elves.

"Little do they know afterwards we will take the city for ourselves…"

"I'm still standing right next to you!" said Theoden.

"So you are… oh. And ignore the fact that I have blonde hair and blues eyes with a nazi symbol tattooed into my forehead and stitched on my shoulder…"

"Oh so you do have a large nazi symbol tattooed on your head! I never noticed!" said Aragorn who was smiling for some reason only known to him.

Eventually some Uruk Hai came and stood outside the Castle walls.

"Hold your fire!" Aragorn yelled.

"Oops!" an old man had let go of his arrow and killed and Uruk hai.

The Uruk hai surrounded the body looking horrified. "They killed Kenny!" said one of them.

"Those-" an arrow went through the Uruk Hai's head before he could finish.

"Oops! Me again!"

The Uruk hai started advancing on the keep.

"Ok! They're advancing on us! What do we do?" Aragorn turned to a random that was standing there eating popcorn.

"Uh… Fire the arrows?"

Arrows wiz past their ears.

"Hmm…" Aragorn had an idea, "do the chicken dance!"

Archers started doing the chicken dance.

"Agh! It burns!" Aragorn looked away.

All of a sudden a giant meteor flies down and kills all the Uruk Hai instantly.

"Well that was easy"

"Yes! Now my elves! Put down your toy making tools and pick up your swords! We must kill all humans in the name of Santa Claus!" The main elf picks up his sword and starts killing everyone and the elves follow.

Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, The King and some other random people managed to retreat into a small room. But the elves try to bash down the door.

"The elves are coming! The elves are coming!" Aragorn yelled.

"Well duh! Like I didn't know that!" Legolas yelled back.

"Where are the badgers when you need them!?"

"What is your strange fascination with badgers!?"

"Hi! I'm Aragorn and I think I have a memory problem!"

"Maybe Treebeard is right…" Merry looked off into the distance.

"About what?" asked Pippin who didn't really seem to care.

"About us not being able to do anything."

"I don't remember that… but go on…"

"What can hobbits do to stop the domination of the orcs besides bite their ankles and stab their knees… imagine a bunch of midgets gang bashing an orc… now that would be funny…"

"Um… ok…"

Just then, Merry had an Idea. "To Isengard! Ha ha ha!"

"You are a strange hobbit…" mumbled Treebeard.

"Agh! A talking tree!"

"We've been riding on his back for the past day! How could you just realise that now?"

Brief interlude

Pippin smiled. "Ooooohh! It makes sense now! So you?"

"Yes"

"And then?"

"Yes" Merry smiled because he realised he had just taught pippin something.

"Oh! Now everything makes sense! The meteors! The footballs! Alf! The fact that you don't remember that Treebeard is a talking tree! It all makes sense!"

"Agh! A talking tree!"

"Yes. If only someone besides us had just heard that wonderful and brilliant explanation… "

Treebeard walks into the clearing and sees the dead trees.

"Hmm… I think I'll go insane and kill Saruman now… blah! Aaaaaaaaaggghhhh!"

Treebeard then runs towards Isengard with his arms flailing madly. Soon other ents join him and charge at the tower.

Brief interlude.

Somewhere in Osgilliath Frodo was standing around watching people run around trying not to get hit by flying rocks.

"The ring is calling to him…" he moaned as his eyes rolled back and he reached for the ring.

"It will be all right Frodo…" Sam's voice fades away.

Suddenly Frodo realised it wasn't the ring. "Oh no! I'm having another acid trip!" Colours fly everywhere and twirl around the soldiers as they scream and die.

All of a sudden we cut to Gimli who is cowering in the corner.

"The elves have taken the fortress… all is lost…"

"No!" Aragorn threw down his playing cards, "We must fight back against the evil oppression of those who have given toys selflessly to our children for hundreds of years! Fight back against the slaves of Santa Claus! Never again shall fat men in red reign terror amongst the world of men! That's why we must fight back and kill all elves! Except my girlfriend arwen! Now! I start with legolas!" he lunged at Legolas with a fork.

"Agh! No you idiot! I'm on your side!"

"Lies!"

"Agh! Stop stabbing me with that fork!"

"Must eat legolas!"

"Enough! Gandalf has come!" Theoden pointed out the window.

"What? Oh yeah. I'll be with you in a minute! Die legolas! Die!"

Meanwhile some Ents were grabbing rocks and hurling them at orcs

"Die you tree hating orcs!"

A Bonsai trees kick the orcs in the shins

"Ah ha ha ha! I kill your legs!"

"Break the dam!" said a random Ent.

"That's right! Have a pool party!" Said another.

"No! I meant drown the orcs! Put out the fires!"

"But can we party afterwards?"

"Very well…"

"Woohoo!" The Ent broke the dam and Isengard flooded in a matter or seconds.

Frodo had an idea to escape from the evil clutches of Farimir.

"Hey look! Look at that!" he pointed to nothing.

"Where? Where? I don't see anything! Is it that cloud? Wow that cloud is cool! Look at the cloud! Ha ha ha! A cloud! Don't see them everyday…"

While Farimir was laughing at a cloud Frodo and his tag-a-longs escaped through an old sewer and into a strange looking forest.

"You know those stories where there's lots of danger and…" Sam's voice fades away again. Frodo was just sitting there staring while thinking of the ring paying no attention to Sam whatsoever.

"…And they had lost of chances to turn back. But they didn't because they were holding onto something…"

Then Frodo snapped out of it.

"What stories? What are you on about?"

"You know… like the ugly duckling? And… um… Rapunzel."

"Hello kiddies!"

"Agh! Ronald McDonald!"

A rock falls from the sky and kills him instantly.

"Yes! There's still hope for the world!" Sam exclaimed.

Frodo and Sam skip away while the people of Gondor celebrate over the death of the evil clown… shortly after that they went to being squished by flying rocks.

Merry and Pippin where wallowing in the water that hadn't actually been deep enough to drown orcs but did cause them to be thrown back into the great big holes in the ground, killing them eventually. The Ents didn't care and were partying and dancing around the tower.

"I'm starving…" said Pippin.

"Yes… if only some food would conveniently float past us…" Merry looked up as if God was actually looking down on him ready to give him everything he wanted.

"Oh look! Food is conveniently floating past us!" Pippin jumped up and down pointing to the several apples floating towards them.

"Gasp! If only some pipe weed, also known as marijuana would conveniently float past in a barrel!"

"Gasp! Some conveniently misplaced barrel of drugs just floated past!"

"Now if only some large bags of money would conveniently float past us!"

"Gasp! Large bags of money are conveniently floating past us!"

"Ooh! This is really interesting! Now if only some nice girls with short skirts would conveniently float past us!"

"Oh! Oh wait… it's just a dead orc…"

"Oh… oh well… I saw him first though…"

"No you didn't! I mean… huh? Yeah… you can have him…" Pippin chortled.

"Wait! Ew! No! I meant I saw him first that's why I said I wanted a girl to float past so you would be all surprised and happy for a second!" Merry was confident that an idiot like Pippin would fall for this.

"Yeah well… now it's my turn to wish for things! If only some large pieces of wood with the words "hi my name is bob" written on it would conveniently float past us…"

"That's a stupid thing to ask for! Gasp! Some pieces of wood that have the words "hi my name is bob" written on it are floating this way! But they aren't large!"

"Aw! How come you get what you want I get a crummy piece of small wood?

"Because I'm better than you. Now let's smoke some pot and get high!"

And so they did just that and we're laughing even though they were surrounded by dead rotting orcs that we're floating in the same water that the food they are eating was.

"I wonder if we'll ever be put in tales…" Sam said as they walked in-between the dead looking trees.

"Shut up Sam."

"And then little kids will ask their parents to tell them the story of frodo and the ring…"

"Please shut up Sam…"

"Tell me more about Frodo they'll say…"

"I have a headache Sam…"

"And the parents will be like "No! It's time for you to go to bed!""

"Shut up! My head's really hurting after breathing in all that gas in the sewers!"

"Then the little kids will be screaming and yelling going "TELL ME THE STORY! WAA! WAA!" and the parents will be like "STOP YELLING!""

Frodo throws rocks at Sam's head but he ignores it and keeps talking as if nothing happened.

"WAA! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GROUNDED! YOU'RE A POOPIE HEAD! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! RRAAGGHH!"

"Why does the fat hobbitses hate us Smeagol? Why!?" Smeagol starts to rolled around on the ground with his hands on his ears.

"SHUTUP SAM!"

"Never!"

And so they walked onwards to Mordor with Sam screaming all the way.

The end… for now