Author's note: Talk about hypocrisy... I was never a fan of crossovers, especially those that involve more than two fandoms, and here I am now, posting this fic. Oh, well. I still feel pretty unsure about it, but I couldn't help it. Sorry! (You still have time to click on the back button, though.)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but original characters.
– CHAPTER 1 –
The Participants
A handsome blond was alone in his dressing room, marvelling at his own reflection in the mirror. Despite his gorgeous appearance, he didn't have any fangirls, while so many other people did, even though they did not deserve it. Oh, but that was about to change, yes, it was. This new programme would attract many rabid fangirls from different worlds and they would finally discover his glorious existence. He was positive they would fall in love with him at first sight.
He grinned at the thought, revealing his shiny teeth, his sky-blue eyes twinkling.
Boy, am I charming.
Suddenly, the door of his dressing room burst open.
"Gary Stu!" shouted a voice behind him.
He turned around to see his beautiful cousin, Mary Sue. She, too, had blond hair, though her eyes were oddly magenta. He always thought that was kind of bizarre, although she frequently told him that colour just made her prettier and she felt special. She was very fond of her eyes and even insisted on having everyone refer to them as "orbs". Why that was, Gary had no idea, but he never bothered to argue. Just let her have her way.
"Hurry up, we have a show to host!" she said impatiently before leaving, forgetting to close the door.
He hurried after her. In truth, he wasn't the only one looking forward to hosting this new show; his cousin had been desperately looking for a lover, and she seemed to have a thing for evil, magical men, which was the only reason why she had agreed to help him with this whole scheme. Again, Gary would not bother to argue. He would get loads of fangirls and she would get her evil wizards. Everyone would win in the end.
As he approached the stage, he could already hear the fanatical, high-pitched screams from the audience. He held his microphone tightly in anticipation and waited until he was told it was time for him to start. Then, he and Mary smiled and walked into the stage.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I'm your host, Gary Stu!"
"And I'm your hostess, Mary Sue!" His cousin winked and glanced eagerly at the men sitting behind her.
"Welcome to the Bumbling Fool Exchange Programme!" they said in unison.
"Because behind every Evil Dark Wizard, there is a Bumbling Fool!" he added.
"KYAHHHH! RAISTLIN!" shouted some hysterical girls. "MARRY ME, MAGUS!"
Raistlin? Magus? Who the heck were those two? Why weren't the fangirls drooling over him instead, Stu wondered jealously. He glanced in annoyance at the fourteen men behind him. Whoever those two were, they would pay.
He approached the first man in the line of chairs. He was dressed in black robes and had a hood on his head so that he couldn't see his face. In his hand, he held a long wooden staff with a dragon claw clutching a crystal orb on its top. He had it leaned on his shoulder and seemed very protective of it. Next to him, a brawny man with wavy, brown hair was smiling and waving at the fangirls.
"Well, let's meet the first participant," Gary announced, hoping to get the black-robed man's attention. Indeed, he took off his hood and looked up at the host, causing the latter to gasp in surprise. The man had the strangest appearance he had ever seen: golden skin, white hair (despite his young features), golden eyes and pupils shaped as hourglasses! "Uh..." He frowned when this man looked rather amused to see his shocked expression.
In the audience, the fangirls screamed, if possible, even louder and some even fainted. Before Gary Stu could think of something to say, Mary Sue pushed him to the side and leaned close to the golden man, her eyes twinkling in excitement.
"What is your name, sir?"
"Raistlin Majere," he whispered. Gary Stu narrowed his eyes. So this was Raistlin? How could those girls prefer him to Stu? The blond host was so hot, and this Raistlin was so... creepy!
He cleared his throat and shoved his drooling cousin away. "Mary, this is my job!" he hissed to her, then spoke to Raistlin as neutrally as possible, "So, uh, this is your Bumbling Fool?" he asked, glancing at the brown-haired young man beside the mage.
"Obviously," replied Raistlin sarcastically.
"I'm his twin brother, actually," said the warrior next to him, smiling friendly. "My name is Caramon Majere."
Gary Stu's eyes widened. "You're twins! No way, you look so different from each other!" In fact, he hadn't even thought Raistlin was human.
"Well," said Mary Sue, "if you narrow your eyes, tilt your head like this, look from a certain angle, and cough, you can kind of see some remote resemblance."
"Oh, come on, even now we're not that different, are we? You are just exaggerating," protested Caramon. The two hosts glanced at each other and shrugged.
"Er, anyway, Raistlin, what is your goal and why did you decide to change your Bumbling Fool?" Sue asked him.
Raistlin coughed slightly and whispered, "I plan to fight the Dark Queen, Takhisis, and become a god. As for the second question, I thought I could get someone who would be a little brighter and not constantly worry about me. It would also be nice if they had some knowledge of magic. That's all."
Stu nodded. "Very well. On to the next participant, then." He gulped as he saw the next wizard. He looked even weirder than Raistlin. This one was a sickly pale, skinny old man, also with white hair and each eye had a different colour. He had a strange tattoo on his forehead and his nails were long and yellowish. "Your name is...?"
"Daolon Wong. I need someone who is skilled both in magic and martial arts, so that I can defeat the Chans and spread dark chi all over the world!"
"Oh," said Mary Sue, nodding slowly. "That's nice. And who have you brought with you?"
"Hi! I'm Ratso," said the man next to Daolon Wong cheerfully. He, too, had a rather peculiar appearance; his skin was slightly greenish and his eyes were red.
"Nice to meet you, Ratso," replied Sue, smiling back.
Gary Stu shivered when seeing the next wizard. This one was just as weird; red eyes, white skin... And what had happened to his nose? He actually reminded Stu of a snake somehow. In the audience, some girls shouted "Voldy!" What the hell, thought Gary.
"I am Lord Voldemort. This is Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail." He pointed a slender finger at the little man beside him, who flinched and glanced nervously at the audience. He sort of looked like a rat, Gary noted. "I came here only because I seek someone who isn't disgusted by me and my pet snake. I mean, it was amusing at the beginning, but now it's just getting on my nerves!"
"You have a pet snake?" Sue asked him, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, so?" hissed Voldemort, glaring menacingly at her.
"Er, nothing," she briskly replied.
"Right, and the next participant is..." Gary Stu almost choked when seeing the fourth wizard. He managed to be even worse than the previous three. He was about as tall as a five-year-old child, had beige-coloured skin, big eyes and a wrinkled face which made it evident he was not human. Curiously, he was the only wizard so far who wasn't wearing black, but white robes.
"Babidi," the creature said, and then pointed at his Bumbling Fool, who looked just like the devil: red-skinned, yellow snakelike eyes, pointy ears, and a pair of horns. On his forehead was a stylish "M". "And this is Dabura. My magnificent plan is to suck as much ki as possible from those pitiful Earthlings and awake my dad's creation, Majin Buu!"
"If I may ask, Babidi, what's wrong with Dabura? He looks pretty strong to me," remarked Mary Sue.
"He is, but he's kinda clumsy and dropped the ki collector," explained the alien. He ignored his Bumbling Fool's protests that it had been just an accident and made a white object appear out of thin air. It was cracked in several places and had been poorly held together with adhesive tape and glue.
"Ooh, it looks like a lamp," commented Sue, examining the ki collector.
From the end of the line, a tall wizard holding a snake staff groaned. "Please, don't talk about lamps..."
Gary Stu shrugged and went on. "Right, uh, participant number five." He almost burst into tears of relief as he noted that this wizard, at last, looked like a normal person. He was very pale and had dark hair and dark eyes. Nothing strange about that at all.
"My name is Jahrei, and this is my cousin, Hervok," said the mage, gesturing at the young man beside him. Hervok had wavy, dark hair and kept his eyes closed all the time. It took the hosts a while to notice the small crow on his shoulder. The wizard sighed in frustration. "I can't stand him! I am on a dangerous trip to the North and he is always on my way. And my wife is no good either. I need someone who is physically strong, trustworthy, and can obey orders without question." Jahrei glared at Hervok. "And above all, someone who doesn't talk to their stupid crows!"
"You hurt his feelings!" said Hervok. "Apologise! Now!"
"I wish you good luck," Gary told the mage sincerely before moving away from that duo. "The next one is...?"
"Magus," the wizard answered coldly. At least his appearance wasn't so strange, either; basically, the only thing that made him different was his long, bluish hair and his pointy ears.
Wait, Magus? The fangirls' renewed screams reminded Stu that Magus was the other popular character, along with Raistlin Majere.
Mary glanced around. "Where is your Bumbling Fool, Magus?" she asked.
Magus sighed heavily. "Actually, he's not exactly a Bumbling Fool. You see, he's just a cat," he said, gesturing at a purple kitten at his feet.
God, even his cat is strange. I mean, purple? What the hell? Stu thought, frowning.
"It's not that I mind cats," continued Magus. "I even like them, but this one has been following me around all the time, and it distracts me! I don't want to kill him, but he keeps getting on my way, so my victims escape while I'm trying to shoo him away. Besides, it looks odd that I, a powerful wizard and evil lord, have a kitten for a pet, don't you think?"
"Aww, but it's so cute!" said Mary Sue, caressing the purple kitten.
Gary Stu cleared his throat, glaring at the suddenly hysterical audience. "Well, let's meet the last participant." Luckily, he, too, looked like a normal person. He seemed to be in his fifties or so, and he held a golden snake staff in his hand.
"My name is Jafar. I am a genie, and I plan to take the Sultan's place and rule Agrabah."
"Agrabah? Is that another world?" asked Gary curiously.
"What?" Jafar raised an eyebrow, then frowned. "No! It is a city."
"A city in the middle of the desert," added his Bumbling Fool, a short, chubby man.
Voldemort rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oh, boy," while his fellow wizards sniggered, snorted and smirked at Jafar. Even some Bumbling Fools seemed amused.
"Talk about petty schemes," commented Jahrei dryly.
Jafar glared daggers at him. "Well, I didn't hear your plan. And if you must know, I have powers beyond your imagination! Phenomenal and cosmic powers!"
"Blah, blah, blah," mouthed his Bumbling Fool, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, right," said Babidi.
Jafar ignored the others and pointed at the man next to him. "Abis Mal. He's a complete fool. He won't stop asking me to grant him wishes, and yet, I need someone to carry my lamp."
Abis Mal pouted and crossed his arms. "But granting wishes is what genies are supposed to do, isn't it?"
"You can grant wishes?" Caramon asked Jafar. "Wow! Can you magic up something for me to eat, then? I'm starving!"
Raistlin glared at his twin. "Caramon, shut up—" he then broke into a coughing fit. The audience got agitated again. Caramon tried to help him, but his brother flinched away.
Gary Stu frowned. The golden mage could barely breathe and sounded like he was dying. "Uh, is everything all right?"
"Fine..." gasped Raistlin.
"Okay, then." Mary Sue held up a green bag. "The names of your Bumbling Fools are all inside this bag. Each one of you must sort one. Luckily, you'll get your perfect new partner."
Each wizard picked a piece of parchment from the bag, Raistlin being the first one and Jafar, the last.
"Wormtail?" whispered Raistlin.
"Well, he can have good ideas when he tries really hard, and he can do magic," remarked Voldemort. "Wasn't that what you wanted?"
Raistlin sighed, "I guess."
"Dabura," announced Daolon Wong, looking very pleased. "Yes, very fitting, indeed."
Voldemort read his piece of parchment. "I got... KITTEN?" His eyes widened.
"At least he won't be disgusted by you," Magus pointed out. "He is accustomed to being in the company of ugly monsters. No offence," he nonchalantly added when Voldemort glared at him.
"It can't be worse than Abis Mal, can it?" Babidi asked Voldemort almost comfortingly.
"I almost pity you," said Jafar dryly.
"I got Caramon," said Jahrei. "Not bad at all. He seems to qualify for all the requisites."
"That I can assure you, but, trust me, you will regret it deeply," rasped Raistlin. Jahrei looked unsurely at him, as though wondering if that had been a threat.
Magus sighed heavily as he read his piece of parchment. "I got Hervok."
"And I got Ratso. Ratso, of all people!" complained Jafar. "Even the kitten would have been better! I could have made it talk like I did Iago."
"Now I almost pity you." Voldemort smirked.
"But I am sure he can at least carry your lamp," Daolon Wong told Jafar.
"Right," said Gary, "you got your new Bumbling Fools. We shall see if the change is for better. Thank you for coming and good luck—" he was interrupted when the audience finally lost control and managed to go past security to invade the stage.
"No! Don't go away just yet!" they were begging. "I want an autograph!"
"Blast!" hissed Voldemort, pulling a stick out of his sleeve. He then waved it at the insane girls and said, "Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!" Some of them fell to the floor, convulsing and shrieking in pain. When more girls came towards him, he shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"
"Raist!" Caramon called his brother, unsure if he should attack the girls. His twin ignored him and proceeded to cast fireball on them. Some wizards and their Bumbling Fools joined in the fight, while the rest ran away and went to hide from all this madness.
"Damn fangirls," muttered Gary Stu. "Why are they obsessed with those freaks, anyway?"
Meanwhile, Mary Sue threw herself against the nearest mage—who happened to be Raistlin—and hugged him. He didn't react, having been knocked unconscious in the process. Soon, the living fangirls had all buried all the remaining wizards, Caramon and the kitten. Sighing heavily, the host dejectedly headed back to his dressing room.
------
Gary Stu sat down on the couch beside his cousin, who was drooling over a photo she had in her hands.
"So, is there any mail for me yet?" he asked her hopefully. The blonde started and stared at him in confusion.
"Mail?"
"Yeah. You know, letters from admirers and such. We were in TV, after all."
"Oh..." She frowned. "There isn't any mail for you, but I just got some millions of letters that I am supposed to deliver to Raistlin, Magus, Voldem—"
"Okay, I got it!" he interrupted her. She smiled at him and tapped his shoulder.
"Don't worry. That was just the first episode. You will have another chance."
"Hm..." He glanced at the photo. "What do you have there?"
"Oh, this? When the fangirls were finally kicked out of the building, I could get some of the participants to pose for this picture. Look."
Curiously, the people in the photo were moving. Sue explained it was something common in Voldemort's world.
There were corpses and broken objects everywhere. Everyone's clothes were torn or stained in several parts. Hervok was running around after his scared crow. Abis Mal was lying on the floor, apparently unconscious, as was Raistlin, a trickle of blood coming from his mouth. A very distressed-looking Caramon was kneeling beside his brother and making tea, and Wormtail was standing next to them, waving his wand at Raistlin as though attempting to revive him with a spell. On the background, Magus was calmly caressing his cat and watching them. But what really caught Stu's attention was Voldemort casting the Cruciatus curse on Mary Sue, while Jafar, Babidi and Dabura were pointing and laughing at her. The rest was nowhere to be seen. Sue said they had gone look for the doctor of the building, except for Daolon Wong, who was the one who took the photo.
"Mary, is it just me, or was this weirdo torturing you when you took this picture?"
"Ah, it wasn't so bad. I think he just needs a hug," she said and sighed dreamily. "Too bad he was gone by the time I could move again."
He stared at her and pondered for a while.
"Do you think I'd get such obsessed fangirls if I became an Evil Dark Wizard like them?"
She nodded resolutely. "Yes, I do."
It was settled, then. He would become a Dark Wizard.
"Sue, would you like to be my Bumbling Fool?"
SLAP!
"Ouch."
Step one: rejection, solitude and consequent angst... check!
To be continued...