Written in Air

I shouldn't love you, but I want to
I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move.
I can't look away.

And I don't now how to be fine when I'm not,
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop.

Just So You Know - Jesse McCartney

Sometimes Naruto has enough money for the train (170 yen for three stops) and sometimes he has enough to buy lunch (a sweet bun for 120 yen and maybe an onigiri for 50 yen) but never enough for both. It's not so much a tragedy as an annoyance—some days he's late and has to take the train when he'd really rather eat, and some days he eats and wishes he could take the train home, he's so washed.

Nobody knows—or, at least, Naruto's never told anyone. It's his own problem, really, and none of his friends pay close enough attention. They never even come over to his house—not that he minds, as he'd really rather not let them see the deplorable state his flat is currently in—despite him always going over to theirs. He avoids the subject of returning the favor to the point of almost making them suspicious, but his life isn't worth nearly as much concern as the next exam or whose skirt Kiba flipped up that morning on his way to school.

Sometimes he suspects that Shikamaru knows, but the boy never mentions it and it passes between them, unspoken, to keep it that way. Kiba is too concerned with girls, Chouji with the new flavor of chips, and Shino with his bug collection that they skip over that part of his life without so much as a second glance. It doesn't bother Naruto, at least not until Sasuke comes.

It's Sasuke that notices Naruto's shying away from the subject of home, how he makes up excuses not to ride the train with people when he's eaten or his foodless self at lunch. It makes Naruto uneasy, the way Sasuke watches him and knows, but when Sasuke finally shows concern, it just makes him sad. So, he refuses to take the food that Sasuke offers wordlessly, the boy's dark eyes shuttered and not meeting Naruto's.

Sasuke makes him realize exactly what he's been missing with the others. He sort of hates Sasuke for it, at least at first, the quiet questioning looks that pass between them before Naruto screws up the seriousness with a poked-out tongue or a sneakily-disguised middle finger pushing his non-existent glasses up his nose. He's almost seventeen and still acts like a kid, not that there's anyone to tell him as such.

Naruto thinks that Sasuke acts somewhat like the mother he never had, always asking him if he's done the homework even though it's Naruto that needs to borrow Sasuke's. Sasuke's the one that calls him at night, only once in a while at first, to answer questions that he knows Naruto has about the homework and to ask about Naruto's dinner and whether he's had one. The calls start coming more often, and they talk about things outside of school, things Naruto has never mentioned to anyone else and he begins to trust Sasuke more than anyone else. Then the calls become nightly, and Naruto finds that he becomes restless if he hasn't heard Sasuke's voice by nine at night.

He doesn't understand it, the way that Sasuke affects him. At first, it's small, like when he sees Sasuke taking down notes in class while Naruto stares past him out the window. Sasuke's cleanliness and orderliness rubs off on Naruto, and suddenly his flat is clean and he can manuver from his bed to the lightswitch without so much as a stubbed toe. Soon, he's taking notes and doing his homework regularly, keeping things in their right places, understanding things on the tests he previously failed. Sasuke doesn't remark on the sudden upswing in his grades, maybe he doesn't care, it doesn't matter if Naruto does well, but something tells Naruto that Sasuke does. No matter how well Naruto does—he's never at the top of the class, but he's getting better and better—Sasuke always calls him to ask the same questions and tell him a bit more than the night previous.

"Did you do the physics homework?" "What did you have for dinner today?" "Did you watch the new episode of Arashi?" "Did you know I was born on the night of the second-largest earthquake?" "My grandparent's owned a flower shop that they tried to give to my parents, but my father wouldn't take it. They didn't speak anymore after that. I never met them. I think I might have wanted to."

And Naruto, unused to having this kind of attention, having this kind of sort of love, affection, reciprocates. Despite being outgoing and loud and the sort of annoying that makes all but his best friends want to shove him in the trash can every time he speaks, he's shy when it comes to things like this. He doesn't understand it, doesn't really understand Sasuke as the nights progress and he learns more and more.

But knowledge doesn't necessarily translate into comprehension, and it's a while before Naruto realizes his growing fear is a result of not understanding himself. He just doesn't get it, doesn't understand why Sasuke cares so much about him, wants to spend so much time with him. Behind his confident and tireless exterior, he remembers that no one else has ever been this close, tried to be this close, and he just can't figure out why Sasuke wants to be. He tries to ignore the issue, skirt it, turn his back and all but run away from it, but he's horrible at lying, most of all to himself, and its when he's scrubbing his sink with the ferocity that most reserve for beating up their most hated enemy that he realizes it.

He likes Sasuke. Loves their talks, awaits meeting him at school and after it in the station next to the ramen station, will, and has, stand in the rain for him if Sasuke says to meet him on a specific corner, even when its monsoon season. He doesn't get it, but he knows, a gut feeling that he can't ignore. It's what he's been fearing for the past couple of months, this growing of affection that he can no longer ignore.

And the realization nearly ruins everything. Suddenly he's introverted, confused, guessing himself at every step, and closed off. The first few don't bother Sasuke and the boy chalks it up to bad ramen at first or maybe even a girl—though Sasuke's never heard Naruto mention a girl beyond Sakura, and even her as only a friend, and severely wishes it isn't that, though he hates to admit why—but it's the last that hurts Sasuke the most. Suddenly, abruptly, Naruto won't talk to him beyond the pleasantries, beyond school.

There's something vacuous in Naruto's speech, his smiles, and though the rest seem to be fooled by this less-than-Naruto-act, Sasuke can't help but feeling that he's the only one that sees through it. And he has the greatest sense that he's the one that the play is being put on for. This hurts too, this realization that Naruto needs to play himself to fool Sasuke. He doesn't want it. He wants Naruto.

The confrontation goes awry, as most usually do, due wholly to Sasuke's inability to completely articulate himself, and Naruto's unwillingness to be there. They sit facing each other in the crowded coffee shop, Sasuke's Americano steaming away its heat as Naruto scalds his tongue on his hot chocolate.

Sasuke starts it off as simply as he can, but it's hard, what with Naruto making faces about the state of his tongue and people constantly brushing up against the unsteady table.

"I want us to be friends."

Naruto just stares at him, astonishment clear on his face before his eyes go blank and he clears his throat. "We are, Sasuke."

"Doesn't feel like it recently." Sasuke picks up his cup right before it sloshes over and the change in weight makes the hot chocolate in Naruto's cup spill onto the fake wood, though the boy hardly notices.

"Since when, bastard?"

Sasuke sips at his coffee, seeming calmer than he really is. "Since you started shutting up and shutting me out. I don't talk to you anymore—."

"We talk almost every night!"

"About school."

Naruto's eyes narrow. "To you, what else is there?"

Sasuke can hardly respond, anger suddenly running through him. He feels like he's being discarded, tossed away as easily as a used ramen cup, and though he knows that Naruto is only trying to do something—what, he doesn't know, but its something and he has to try and figure it out—

He needs to keep his cool. "We talk about nothing."

"And?" Naruto is sounded a great deal more sarcastic than his personality usually allows. "You know I'm not smart enough to discuss philosophy with you or experimental physics or rocket science, but I thought that our discussions were something. So sorry to disappoint." It's said that anger hurts the person experiencing it more than the person it's directed at, but something grabs at Sasuke's throat harshly.

"No—." Sasuke starts, still ultimately unsure of where he should go from here. It's nearly impossible to convey the sense of loss he experienced when he realized that Naruto and he no longer talked about things that mattered. He usually understands everything, but Naruto confuses him, spins him around and drops him at point C without touching on point B, which makes it hard to explain things without going around in a circle. He stumbles over his speech, the prepared one disappearing as the conversation doesn't go according to plan. "I just don't want… It's just that… I can't…"

"What? You don't want what, Sasuke?" Naruto's blue eyes are remarkably bright in the dim atmosphere of the shop.

Sasuke's never been one who responds well to adversity, instead of backing down, he steps up to the challenge in Naruto's words. "I just don't want us to end up like those friends that walk by each other at school and wave and smile but never talk, those friends that sit next to each other and make jokes about the teacher but never talk about anything else, the kind of friends that you and I are becoming because of your stupid, idiotic scheme to do something—

And I don't know what it is, but I hate it because--."

Naruto's silent, and so is the rest of the coffee shop, and its only then that Sasuke realizes that he's yelling, his voice loud over the dying sounds of the espresso machine. Naruto just stares at him as he puts down the cup he's been gripping tightly on the sticky tabletop, the rest of the room completely silent.

"I don't want to be just 'friends'." He says, before grabbing his bag and shoving the mirrored door open to leave Naruto behind.

It's only as he's walking down the street towards his house, cars loud in his ears, that he realizes he said exactly what he wanted and what he didn't. He does want to be friends with Naruto. But he doesn't want to be just 'friends', more like acquaintances than real friends, though the connotation is different from what he had actually meant. He had misspoken just as he had said the perfect thing. It's hard to logically separate his wants from his needs, his desires from his emotions.

He had meant what he said—that he didn't want to just see Naruto around school, talk about inane crap, and wave cheerily even as inside he mumbled, 'I hope I never see him again.' He wanted to talk to Naruto about real things, about his past, wanted to learn about Naruto's, his likes and dislikes, the movies he watched when he was depressed and how many times he had to read the label on the package of brownies before being able to make half a semi-palatable tray of the dessert. He wanted to know Naruto, and wanted Naruto to know him.

And he's standing on the side of the road, gravel crunching underneath his feet as wind blows in particularly hard from the Northeast, cars whipping past him, when he realizes that he likes Naruto. He stands there, frozen, until his feet make him move, but even then he's not moving in the direction of his house. He's making his way back to the coffeehouse.

But when he returns and his eyes immediately lock onto the table where he had been sitting with Naruto just minutes ago, it's empty and Naruto's gone. There's no trace of either of them having been there but for the worried stares the he receives from the occupants. He turns to leave without so much as a word and runs down to the sidewalk, looking right and left for Naruto, but the boy is nowhere to be seen.

He grabs his cell phone and flips it open, numb hands fumbling for Naruto's name on his contacts list. The phone on the other end rings endlessly, and Naruto never picks up.

He sits on the edge of the sidewalk for hours, watching as the sky goes dark and clouds fill the air. He's still there when it starts to rain, standing underneath the tree until he decides it's futile and heads home. He arrives there, dripping wet and slightly miserable, but he forgets it all as he strips and passes out on his bed.

Waking up with a head cold and the greatest sense of disappointment when he blearily checks the message machine and his voicemail and finds both to be empty, he decides to take the next day off from school, though half of him yells that he's just running away, while the other reasons that he's sick and needs rest. Naruto doesn't call him, and whenever Sasuke pulls out his phone and types in the numbers, he just can't bring himself to press Talk.

He returns to school the day after that, still sore and a little bit out of it. Sasuke manages to plod his way through the first three classes, until Naruto suddenly appears and Sasuke remembers that its time for PE. But he can hardly move, so the teacher just makes him sit on the sidelines in his sweats as the rest of the group runs around the track and practices their high jump. Sasuke stares at Naruto unabashedly, unable to force himself to look away even as he feels sick at the thought of what he has to do. Naruto avoids his eyes, and Sasuke wonders if this is better than the fakeness of their conversations. But there's truth to what he said before, and even more truth ready to be uncovered.

But he doesn't contemplate it long, leaning up against the rail of the bleachers as he tries not to fall asleep, eyes closing for longer and longer periods of time until the klong-klong of the school bell awakens him an hour later and he opens his eyes to see Naruto in front of him. The track is empty, the rest of the classes trodding their way over the lawn to the locker rooms, so its only him and Naruto.

"Naruto…" he says quietly.

"I don't want to be, either."

Sasuke is confused for the first time in many years, his head fuzzy. What is Naruto talking about?

"Don't want to be what, Naruto?"

There's silence as the wind whistles past the metal bleachers and suddenly Sasuke is hyper-aware of the coldness. In fact, he's aware of everything, the light touch of the clouded sun on Naruto's pale cheek, the rough texture of the wood bench underneath his frozen hands, his suddenly throbbing head as Naruto stares at him. He thinks he knows but it can't mean-- "Just friends, Sasuke. Just friends."

Neither of them move until Naruto offers up his hand to Sasuke, his face slowly turning redder than the cold weather should allow. Sasuke places his cold hand in the painfully warm grip, so like his grip around the coffee cup had been, almost burning, but enough to remind him that he was still there.

Naruto doesn't let go of his hand until they reach the locker rooms, and then only until they're both dressed again.

Well, this is sort-of, semi-autobiographical, in the vaguest sense of the word. Although we're not in love-- just drifting. Sorry to sort of switch viewpoints, but its alway fun to be there when someone has an obvious epiphany. Maybe they're OOC, but this is quite possibly the closest I'll ever get to writing a high-school AU, so sue me.

And now you all know my guilty pleasure-- McCartney. Don't blame me, he has such a sweet voice.