It was over, Corypheus was dealt with, the world saved. Inquisitor Lavellan watched the party from the sideline as much as she could.
Everybody was so happy, and she guessed they had cause. She only felt tired, and heartbroken. But she kept it all hidden, as always. She still didn't trust these shems. Their use for her would be over soon, and only the Old Gods knew what they would do then. Keep her here as the figurehead of their idiotic religion? Let her go home?
There was still Rifts that needed sealing and she guessed they would argue she was to important to depart. Maybe he had done the right thing, sneaking away directly after the battle.
"Is it a thing for elfs not to smile at parties? I should introduce you to a friend of mine, then you can have brood-parties together brooding," Varric joined her and handed her a goblet of wine, she looked at him and scoffed.
"I'm just tired," she mumbled "...Josephine said I had to stay down here for a while...Apparently it is rude to not join a party even when you... forget it,"
He looked at her, smiled that comforting smile he had and took a sip of his own drink;
"I'm sure Chuckles will come around soon. Maybe he just feels the same about parties and bolted while he had a chance,"
She didn't respond to the jest. She gritted her teeth and left the dwarf where he stood.
Solas.
Her heart felt like it was being ripped apart and her stomach turned itself into a million knots.
He was the only one she wanted to see right now. She wanted to hear his calming voice, listen to him telling her she was stupid or melodramatic in away that made her feel like he cared. Have him share some stories from the fade with her or just... tell her everything would be all right. That she had done good.
It made her furious that she wanted his approval, his care and love, but she couldn't shake it off. Her hand went up, touching the bridge of her nose and her forehead. She had given him everything. Trusted him to know more then her. To tell her the truth. Now she wasn't so sure of it anymore.
She closed the door to the library tower behind her, looking at the murals he had left behind.
Was this all she would ever have left of him? This and the loss of her vallaslin.
What would her Keeper say? Would they believe her? Call her a fool?
She felt like a fool rather then a hero.
Her looked at his desk, it was empty. Not even a note.
She sighed, and watched the newest of the murals. Unfinished and... odd. It looked like a beast and a sword. Maybe a wolf? A dragon? And the foot of another beast. She sighed and ran her fingers over the mural. It would never be finished. She wouldn't let anybody else finish it but him.
The rest of them depicted their time together, her journey to this point.
Skyhold is her fortress, these are her actions.
That had been his words to the archivist when asked about the murals.
You where my fortress, she thought bitterly leaning her head against the unfinished mural, You eggheaded idiot. You were my fortress.
"He didn't want it to end like this," Cole appeared by her side, watching her with compassion "He was sad. He never intended for it to be like this. He knew he hurt you, and that hurt him. He wanted to tell you things, but he couldn't. You would not have understood and it would have hurt you more. Hurt him more. He hopes you will forgive him. That you will smile and be happy again. He liked it when you smiled,"
"I don't give a shit about what he liked," she snarled like a wounded animal trying to scare of anyone approaching.
"That is not true," the spirit said "You miss him. You are hurting very bad, like your heart is tearing apart and you fear you will never see him again. You cry on the inside, but don't want to seem weak so you turn angry when people talk to you. You trusted him, and feel betrayed. He didn't want that. But he could not stay, and he could not take you with him. He knows they need you,"
"I don't care!" she roared making Cole flinch backwards at the force of her voice.
She didn't want him to know. She knew the spirit could hear all her pain, that he knew what was happening inside her. She didn't want that. She wanted to be alone with it.
"I want to help," Cole said slowly approaching again "You have helped so many, I want to help you,"
"I don't want your help," she whispered with tears in her voice "I want him. I want him to be here, to..."
She fell silent, and Cole just nodded. She didn't need to speak. The spirit knew what she wanted, and how bad she wanted it.
"Come," he said and took her hand, leading her up the stairs and out on the walkway where Leliana released the crows "They won't find us here,"
She nodded, slid down the wall and stared out into the night. Tears were running down her face and in a distant she could hear the party spreading through out Skyhold. She should be celebrating.
The world was saved, and she was its hero.
And here she was, crying on a walkway over some eggheaded elf who didn't even have the courtesy to say goodbye. To just stay one night longer so she could have had this moment with the others.
She couldn't grasp it. Why he made her feel like this. She had been burned before, left and lonely. This though, this heart-shattering pain, it was new. Like something in her soul was missing, and that gnawing feeling of something being terribly wrong wouldn't give.
"Why don't I feel victorious?" she asked and Cole shrug his shoulders
"Everybody is happy. You made them happy, they feel safe now. Thanks to you killing Corypheus. You are afraid it won't be enough. He was just one monster, a mad man, but there are always more mad men. You are afraid you will never get to go home. That they will keep you here and keep you involved in their politics. That there is no way out,"
She nodded. She was afraid of what would come next. She realized she was deeply entrenched in human politics now. That she was someone powerful, someone they would want to use for their own gain. And all she wanted to do was to run into the woods never to be seen again. To join her clan once more and be forgotten.
"I hate shem politics," she mumbled "I... can't stand the city elfs and their complacency to that abuse. This will not end good,"
"You could help," Cole said softly "They listen to you. You are not afraid of them, like many others. You could help so many, help them to become free,"
"I can't make them grow backbones," she mumbled "I'm not their saviour. I'm just... I'm everything they hate. Those nobles. A rude Dalish mage that is not starstruck by their fancy words or money,"
"I believe you can help. I believe in you," Cole said and then disappeared leaving her to her thoughts.
She gritted her teeth, reluctantly knowing he was right. She probably could help and change things. But how much had it changed for the elfs when the Hero of Fereldan saved them all from the Blight? Not very much. Probably because the Hero of Fereldan was busy doing Gray Warden stuff giving a rats ass about his people. He sounded like a jerk according to Leliana, but then again Morrigan painted a very different picture...
She groaned and smashed her hand into the wall behind her.
Why was it always up to her?
She was ripped from her thoughts and fears by the worried voice of Josephine coming from the doorway;
"Inquisitor? Inquisitor are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Josephine," she mumbled and went back inside "I just needed a moment alone. I'm tired. I killed an ancient darkspawn and fell from a flying fortress today,"
"I imagine that would be rather draining, yes," Jospehine agreed and brushed some dust of her Inquisitors shoulder "But I am afraid the Empress of Orlais and the Queen of Fereldan are asking for you, they wish to say their thanks for saving our world,"
"And surely ask me for a favor," Lavellan sighed and Josephine sighed a motherly sigh;
"I am sure they can refrain from that until tomorrow, Inquisitor. Tonight is only for celebrations,"
"Grand... well.. Show me the way then. And stomp my foot if I turn rude. My manners get worse when I am tired,"
"I will be nearby then," Jospehine smiled and Lavellan sighed, accepting her duty of hostess and followed her Ambassador back to the party. Her worries, and Solas, would have to wait for tomorrow.