Warning: The rating is mainly for language, but also for slash and some mild sexy bits.
A/N: I aimed to produce a short one shot which would motivate me to do more work on my other fics. Instead I wrote this. It's definitely not short! It's also my first ever AU. I did some research for it but my science brain is dreadful, so apologies for any mistakes. I hate the ending and I'm honestly not sure what I think about the rest either but I would love it if you could read and let me know what you think.
If by some miracle I haven't put you off yet, here you go.
Enjoy x
A dull aching in his chest woke him but he continued to lay still, aware of the mattress beneath him and the bright lights that threatened to bleed through his eyelids. It was either heaven or a hospital, and seeing as he'd ruined his chances with the former it wasn't a difficult guess.
There had been shouting, he could remember that much. But then it wouldn't have been his home without shouting and the punches that followed weren't much of a surprise either. He'd thrown a few in return and the stiffness he discovered when trying to wriggle his fingers, suggested he'd used his strongest defence.
It hadn't been enough this time though. Or perhaps it had been too much, perhaps the trips to the gym had paid off and he'd fought so much his father had been left with no choice but to use more than fists. It was the only consolation. He'd made it as far as the alleyway next door but one to their house and blacked out.
He blinked and the light was so blinding he wondered if his father had followed him outside and continued the attack. But then the world slid into focus and was able to inspect himself. His knuckles were swollen and scabby from the fight. He was topless beneath the covers and a large white plaster covered his chest. As he examined the injury the story returned to him. Backing his father into a corner for the first time ever and his father rummaging through the kitchen drawer while screaming at him. The knife entering his chest. The wound throbbed and he gasped, trying to sit up and run away.
A nurse rounded the corner.
"Mr Black, take it easy please. You've had a very nasty accident."
Was that what it had been, an accident? He shook his head.
"Please, Sirius. You're only going to hurt yourself some more."
"How do you know my name?" He croaked at last. His throat hurt and the movement of his face made the tube entering his nose prickle.
"We found your driving licence in your wallet," she explained. "And we needed your medical history before we could operate."
"Oh," he replied.
"You've been in the wars quite a lot."
"It's nothing. Just a scratch. Lots of scratches."
She nodded but her expression didn't falter from her previous concern and he knew in an instant she didn't believe him.
"How bad is the pain?"
"Hurts here," he said, moving his hand to his chest and trying to ignore the cannula stuck in his hand.
"I'll give you some pain relief."
She fiddled with his tubes and the equipment surrounding him and he let his eyes drift shut. Feigning sleep was the best way to avoid conversation. It wasn't long before he was fast asleep.
When he came round again he was aware of someone watching him. He turned his head, careful to keep his body still and saw a boy not much younger than him staring at him from the neighbouring bed. The boy was pale and smothered in layers of tubes and blankets but Sirius was distracted by the remarkably neat curls and long eyelashes that flickered shut as the boy tried to disguise where he was looking. He was sat up in bed and a book lay on his knees, discarded.
"Hey," Sirius said.
The boy picked up his book, hastily turning a page.
"What you reading?"
"If you must know," the boy said. "It's my Biology text book."
"Sounds dull."
"I'm doing A-Level," he replied. "I'm behind."
"Sure you can get away with it, being in hospital and all."
The boy shook his head. "Not really no, and it keeps me entertained."
"Surely there's better things to do? Talking?"
"I've got to catch up."
Sirius relaxed his head back onto his pillow, wondering when the nurse was going to return with some more painkillers. He could do with a distraction until then.
"You were watching me."
A page in the boy's book flicked over and he impatiently smoothed it back in place. "I was seeing if you were alive."
"Oh. Right."
"You were a bit grey. I heard the nurses talking earlier and they said it was a close one when they brought you in. You tore your atrium."
"My what?"
"Your heart."
"Shit." Sirius said, surprised. He looked at his chest again as if that would somehow prove what the other boy was saying. It had only been minor injuries before. "Would you have saved me if I wasn't alive?"
"No."
"Oh."
"I can't get out of bed at the moment. Suppose I would have called for help but you woke up."
"I see. Well, thanks."
"Pleasure," he said, with only the slightest hint of sarcasm. He turned back to his book.
"So, what you in for?"
The boy ignored him.
"Too private?" Sirius picked at the plaster securing his cannula. "Then what's your name?"
The boy sighed. "Remus," he said. "Now please let me read."
"'Scuse me," Sirius said, calling over to the next bed. "Could I, you know, borrow that book?" He smiled at Remus as the boy paused in his conversation with his parents to glance over, his brows narrowed at the interruption
"My biology book?"
"Sure."
"You'd hate it. Is there nothing on tele?" Remus indicated the coin operated screen next to each of their beds.
"No money."
Remus sighed. "Fine then, if you must." He grabbed the book from his bedside table and passed it to his father. "Dad, could you?"
Sirius accepted the book graciously and put much consideration into reading the contents page. Each of the other five patients had someone with them and were making the most of visiting time. He hadn't been expecting anyone but he felt awkward being so obviously alone. There had been a time when he was always the centre of everything, once his family and then with his friends. But now his parents had made it clear he was on his own and with that came the isolation from his brother. He cared about that one more than he would admit. And his friends were still great when he saw them. But since they'd finished college a few months ago they'd all gone their separate ways, some to university and others in jobs that took up all their time. And James, his best friend and band mate, who he worked alongside of at the club, was away for a week, visiting his girlfriend in Cardiff.
No-one that mattered even knew he was here.
But he didn't want to convey his disappointment in front of the others, and more specifically in front of Remus, so he flicked through the text book until he reached the section about the heart. He chose the pictures rather than the words so he was less likely to miss a part of the conversation occurring in the next door bed.
Remus watched his parents go without so much as a wave despite the many kisses his mother blew in his direction, and slid down the bed as if to sleep.
"Do they come every day?" Sirius enquired, deciding that if Remus was lucky enough to get visitors he could at least do the decent thing and only sleep at convenient times.
"Mum's rejigged her schedule so she can fit me into her lunch breaks," he said. "She worries as you've probably noticed."
"Not at all," Sirius lied.
"She doesn't trust that I've taken my medication unless she sees it for herself."
"You given her reason to for that?"
"You always this nosy?"
"Yeah. What about your Dad?"
"Unemployed. So yes, he comes every day too." Remus sighed as if there care was a great burden to him.
"You're lucky," Sirius said. He ran his fingers through his hair and waited for Remus to question him. He didn't.
There was a long silence during which Sirius continued to look at the book, imaging the diagram of the heart pumping rhythmically but not bothering to read the words. He'd always done well when he'd been at school, somehow absorbing the teacher's words without really listening, but now he had no need to learn he didn't see the point. He wouldn't need Science when he was a world famous musician with James at his side.
"Remus?"
"I'm asleep."
"What's wrong with you?"
Remus grunted. "You could have the manners to at least pretend to read that book."
"Don't you get bored?" Sirius asked, rolling onto his side to face Remus. His wound throbbed at the movement but days of bed rest had done it good and he no longer felt glued to the mattress.
"I'm used to it."
"How long have you had this… thing?"
Remus looked at him, his face so startlingly blank that it seemed almost certain he wouldn't reply. But then he blinked. "Since I was born."
"Shit, wow."
"Wow?"
"No, I mean, that's a long time to keep going, you know. I'd have gone all slit slit, woe is me way back."
Remus' mouth twitched into an almost smile. "My tutor would have a field day with you."
"I'm not thick," Sirius said, quickly followed by "You have a tutor?"
"Sick kids don't last long at secondary school so we decided it was easier this way." He paused. "And I didn't think you were thick."
"You missed out," Sirius flicked his hair out of his eyes. "I loved school. Just hated the lessons. Still got nothing lower than an A though. And I aced music at college."
"Bet you've never had to work for anything in your life."
Sirius picked at the bed sheets and thought about all the things he had done as a child to try and win his father's approval. And then as a teenager trying to prove to friends and teachers he wasn't like him. Trying to beat away the judgement. "I have actually. My Dad's famous, you know. He has these… ideas. I don't like them."
Remus raised an eyebrow and looked for a moment like he wanted to apologise. "You don't have to explain yourself."
"Good. Because that's something I'm done with now," Sirius replied. He wished his voice sounded more confident. Though he'd escaped his father he was also alone now, with the whole world to battle. And the world was only marginally less intimidating than his father.
"Is that what you do then?" Remus asked. His questions were rare which made the abrupt change of subject even more obvious. "Music."
"I'm going to be famous," Sirius said. "Me and my mate James have a band and we're good. Really good. You like music?"
"I like some."
"You'd like us, then. We're a mix of everything; it's happy indie rock with a bit of soul and James can rap as well."
Remus murmured a note of what Sirius chose to perceive as approval so he carried on.
"You should come to one of our gigs when you're feeling better. VIP."
"I'd rather not."
"I promise you'd love us. And I'd buy you a beer while you're there."
"I don't drink, Sirius."
"No? Oh, meds." Sirius sighed. "Gets in the way of everything, doesn't it? Bet sometimes you want to rebel; down a bottle of voddy and run through the park naked."
"And end up in here yet again. No thanks."
"I don't hear any objections to the nudity."
Remus' smile was a bit more natural this time. "Is that a standard night for you then?"
"That would be a quiet one," Sirius replied. "You're forgetting the spliffs and all the boys throwing themselves at my feet."
"Boys?"
"Yeah, boys." Sirius confirmed. "That a problem for you."
Remus' face was unreadable. "Why would it be?"
"Well it is for my dad," Sirius said. "But he's a wanker. When I first came out he thought I was just doing it to piss him off." He cleared the biggest throat. "Massive homophobe, my old man. And that's one of his better qualities."
"He sounds delightful."
"Well we haven't had a civil word for each other since I hit double figures." Sirius forced a smile. "But every cloud and all that. Some of my best ideas have come from trying expose him for the knob he is."
"I dread to think."
Sirius grinned. "I'd damage your little virgin ears."
"You'd damage a lot more than that," Remus said and beneath his white hue he blushed.
"You never had a girlfriend, Remus?" Sirius asked, the tone as casual as if he were offering a packet of crisps.
"Hospital kid, remember. I'm hardly boyfriend material."
"Oh, I dunno. With a bit of hair gel and out of the hospital gown I can see a little Casanova waiting to get out. I'll teach you my wise ways of seduction."
"No thanks."
"You're what, sixteen, seventeen? This is the time of your life, Remus."
"I'm nineteen. And I know. But unfortunately my heart has other intentions," he said, indicating the machine he was attached to.
"Nineteen, really? Shit. You don't look much older than my little bro."
"Yes, well."
"You're older than me! Never would have thought it."
"I get the point," Remus said, abruptly.
"Sorry," Sirius said. "I don't always shut up at the right time. You probably wish you'd continued ignoring me."
Remus still didn't smile. "Ignoring you?"
"The first day or two you barely said a word."
"That was me being sociable."
"No way. That was me being sensible and refined."
"That I can believe. Besides, if I talked to everyone I met every time I was in hospital I'd be worn out."
"I'm flattered."
"You should be," Remus said. His cheeks tinged slightly red.
"Well, Remus," Sirius said. "It is safe to say, despite the stab wound, this has been my favourite visit to hospital."
"It's been better for me too."
Sirius smirked "Naturally. So, you going to tell me what wrong with you now?"
Remus shook his head.
"I thought we were friends," Sirius pleaded
"There are some things you don't need to know."
"You know all about me."
"But that was because I couldn't help but overhear not because I pushed you into it."
"I would have told you anyway." He paused. "I'm not going away, you know."
Remus let out the deepest sigh of frustration Sirius had heard. "Fine, then. Fine. If you really want to know here you go. I'm dying."
"There you go, Sirius, you're doing really well," the nurse said, letting go of his arm and letting him totter by himself down the corridor. He was in a hospital gown now and they'd given him a hoodie from lost property to keep him warm. All his stuff was in his house with his parents and he was putting as little thought as possible into what the plan was for when he was discharged.
Sirius' father had said emphatically that he was no longer welcome in the house and that was when the fight had broken out. It had been a long time coming and was no surprise. As a child he often found himself in trouble, but it was always for mischief and marauding rather than anything more serious. It was only as a teenager he'd begun questioning his father's job role and political stance. His friends all had very well to do parents, ones whose priorities included making a good impression and not being at the forefront of all controversy.
Regardless of Sirius's father's beliefs, his high profile meant that Sirius' misdemeanours were always widely publicised throughout an influential circle. And any time he took a step too far his father was furious. It was another blow to his already wilting campaign. It didn't help that Sirius had never shied away from making his differing views public knowledge. His most serious beating before this one had been when he was photographed in the middle of a pride parade complete with rainbow face paint and a statement placard.
"I don't know what all the fuss was about," Sirius said, turning to face the nurse and grinning.
"Are you experiencing any pain at all?"
"Nope."
"That's excellent, Sirius. I expect you'll be home in a few days now."
His stomach churned. "Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Look, can we go back now?"
The nurse put a hand on his arm. "You sure you're okay?"
"Fine. Just a little tired."
He decisively sat back in the wheelchair and clamped his mouth shut as the nurse wheeled him back to the ward. As soon as they got through the door he was aware of Remus watching him with a question in his eyes but not on his lips. He waited until they were alone.
"Aren't you going to ask?"
"Ask what?" Remus said.
"How it went. If I got out the chair. Don't tell me you don't want to know."
"I don't want to know."
"Well I did it. No problem. Nurse said I'll be out of here soon."
Remus leaned back on his cushions exhaling deeply. "Well. Good for you."
Sirius shrugged. "I'll come and visit. Promise"
"I might not be here."
Sirius threw his legs over the side of the bed and made to leap up. His chest throbbed and he reluctantly stayed put, instead making do with clenching his fists on the bed sheet.
"You can't think like that Remus."
"No," Remus said. "No, not like that. Christ. I'm not going to die just yet."
"You're not?"
He rolled his eyes. "Not this month anyway. But my treatment for my condition hasn't existed that long, so the data doesn't have average life expectancies yet. What I meant was this relapse is almost over, I might be home soon too."
"Oh. Oh, your mum must be pleased."
"I- yeah, I guess."
"Will there always be relapses?"
"So the Doctors say."
"Well that's more than a bit shit."
Remus nodded.
"If I die you can have my heart," Sirius said.
"Thought you weren't planning on getting stabbed again?"
"I don't make the same mistake twice. That hurt! But I might get, I dunno, scurvy or something. You're the biology genius. What do people catch on the streets?"
"The streets?"
"Well I think the knifing was a polite way of saying 'get the fuck out'."
"What do you mean?" Remus said sharply.
"You're an A Level student, Remus, work it out."
"It was your Dad?"
"Mmm."
Remus was silent for a minute. "What's your Dad's name?"
"Orion Black." Sirius studied Remus' face and saw the recognition. "I'm not like him, you know. I don't believe what he does."
"And so he stabbed you?"
"Well I've just turned eighteen, haven't I? First time I can vote."
"And so he stabbed you because you don't want to vote for his party."
"No, he punched me because of that. He grabbed the knife because I started to hit him back." Sirius paused. "I'm strong, you know. I go to the gym. But I've never fought back before and it was like eighteen years of anger, so I was pretty fucking mad."
"You should tell someone."
"Yeah I thought of it, if only for revenge. Can't really be bothered though now I'm out of there."
"Sirius!"
"What?"
"That's the worst excuse I've ever heard."
Sirius snorted.
"Were you being serious about the streets?" Remus asked.
"Dunno. I've got a job, bit of money in the bank, could get a flat."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You can come and visit if your mum allows it. I promise to watch you take your meds."
Sirius supposed he was lucky he was so similar to James in terms of size and fashion sense that his friend was able to lend him enough clothing for him to get dressed without having to leave the hospital in any of the hideous lost property items. The only problem was shoes. He had scarpered the house barefoot and so ended up cramming his feet into James tiny converse. He hovered awkwardly between the bed he just left when James was sitting, muddy army boots on the white sheets, and the bed where Remus sat, huddled beneath the covers.
"You don't believe that I'll come and visit, do you?"
"I believe you," Remus said, but the mask was back.
Sirius narrowed his eyes, studying the other boy's face. "Then what?"
Remus looked over towards James and sighed. He lowered his voice. "Well it won't be the same now, will it? While we're both ill, fair enough, but now you're free to go and frolic wherever you chose to and I'm still going to be sick. Always."
"You're nearly better."
"This time."
"Take it as it comes, Remus. You worry too much."
"I don't want you here out of pity."
Sirius snorted. "I don't pity you. You're a genius with parents who love every inch of you. My pity is all for myself"
Remus gave a faint smile. "Well make sure it stays that way."
"You've got my number, yeah?"
"Yes but make sure you text me before you turn up, remember. Need to warn my mum."
"Right. And no talking to whoever steels my bed. Friendly Remus is only for me."
"Don't worry, no-one's as persistent as you."
James cleared his throat. "Mate, are we off?"
"Suppose," Sirius said. He nodded towards Remus, avoiding his eyes. "I'll see you soon then."
Remus nodded.
"You'll be okay." The statement was more for Sirius' own sake. He suspected Remus didn't believe such sentiments any more.
Sirius got in James car, waving an idle hand when his friend asked him if he needed any help, and waited to speed off through the car park.
"Er," he said. "This is the part where you drive."
James exhaled deeply. "What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to go to yours, have a beer, and get flat hunting on your shit laptop."
"Sirius," James said. "You're welcome at mine whenever, you know that, but you need a better plan that 'I'll have a beer'. What you going to do for money? Flats aren't cheap."
"I don't care what the flat looks like. Unlike you I don't need a swanky pad to get laid."
"It's not for me to get laid! I've got Lily, remember?"
"Yeah now you have. Now you have the flat. She hated you until you bought it and then all of a sudden she couldn't leave you alone."
"Pure coincidence. I won her over with my charm."
"Is that what she says?"
"Fuck off. I wasn't kidding; you could have at least grabbed a few twenties before getting kicked out."
"I was bleeding from the heart, James. The heart!"
"Sure it wasn't the brain?"
"You crack me up," Sirius said, dead pan. "I have enough of a plan. You know the rest of my life, Jamie? It starts today."
"Right," James said, turning on the ignition and putting the gear into first. "And where does the new boyfriend back there fit into this new life of yours? Richard, or whatever."
"I don't know who the fuck Richard is, but Remus isn't my boyfriend."
"No?"
"No," Sirius said firmly, looking at the hospital as the distance between it and them rapidly increased.
"Oh come off it, mate. I know when you fancy someone."
"I'd eat him alive."
James smirked "I know you would. Starting with his cock."
"Fuck you," Sirius said. "Not everything is sexual."
"Not if you're eight."
"He's fragile." Sirius leant over to James' side of the car and inspected the dashboard. "Oh come on, you prick. You drive like my nan."
"Your nan's dead," James said. "And don't try and make me forget about your little crush."
"He's not my- for fucks sake mate, I had to talk to someone, didn't I? And you were no bloody help, off gallivanting with the red head."
"I came back a whole day early." James paused and grinned. "Lily loved how much of a caring soul I've become, even if it was for you."
"You don't have a soul."
"I could make you walk."
"I'd die in the roadside and you'd be sobbing over my body for weeks."
"No, mate. We die together, remember."
"Yeah, suicide in five minutes time from your crap driving. Look, even the walking dead's over taking us. And you call yourself a man!"
"I do," James said, "A fine one. I'm going at 52 in a 50 zone."
Sirius leant over and pressed the horn. "Got to just, beep beep people, let them know Potter's coming through."
"Twat." James shoved his friend back to his side of the car, lurching dangerously as he did so. "Should have left you at the hospital so your boyfriend can put up with you."
"He's not my boyfriend."
"But you like him."
Sirius looked out the window. "It's not like anything will happen. He's hardly the quick fumble down an alleyway type."
"Unlike you."
"And he's probably straight."
James snorted. "That's never stopped you before."
"That was once. And he was on the turn anyway, I reckon." Sirius groaned. "I wouldn't just fuck him over though, you know. He's not had it easy."
"Sympathy, meet Sirius Black."
"Urgh, it was the left turn there." Sirius said. He waited for the inevitable curse from his friend and while they had swung back around the roundabout he ran a hand through his hair. "Jamie, he's dying."
"Who?"
"Remus."
"Fuck, no way! What is he, sixteen?"
"Nineteen actually."
"That's terrible," James replied, unusually serious for once. "Like, soon?"
"No-one knows. Just that his illness is going to continue to get worse." Sirius tugged at his hair. "So you see, feelings aside and all that, I really, really can't go out with someone who's dying."
James looked away from the road to goggle at his friend. "Right," he said. He turned into the nearest side road and jammed on the breaks, parking too far away from the curb and too close to the car in front. "Out of all the things you've said, that has to be one of the most selfish."
"Why?"
"Because, you blistering idiot, you like the guy. And chances are he likes you too. He's probably got years left. Years and years. Will probably live longer than you, the risks you take."
"No-one knows, I said."
"People could die any minute. So are you saying no-one should be in a relationship just in case their other half dies?"
"No, but-"
"Take me and Lily-"
Sirius groaned.
"She could die tomorrow." James placed a hand over his heart and looked to the skies. "Please don't let it happen." He paused. "But point is, even if she does, I wouldn't have missed out on all the good times for the world."
"You're a soppy git."
"Are you listening, Black? Remus is dying. And so rather than running away you should make sure he has the best time ever to make up for it."
"How?" Sirius asked weakly.
"By not being a selfish prick. And by asking him out."
Sirius threw himself onto the chair by Remus' bed. "Ouch," he said. "Forget I should be careful. I'm in the right place at least."
Remus didn't reply.
Sirius scrutinized the other boy's face. "What's happened? You're not getting worse again, are you?"
Remus shook his head.
"Good." Sirius paused. "And I hope you haven't decided you hate me after all."
"I don't."
"Then what is it?"
"Just fed up," Remus said. "Bored." He blushed. "It's good to see you."
"Naturally."
"Where are you living?"
"In a squat. It's freezing, there are rats all over the floor and you have to shit in a hole." Sirius shrugged.
"Sirius, you can't."
"Don't worry. I've been singing to them. The other residents that is, not the rats. All lullabies and la, la, la, you know? They've learnt to love me."
Remus opened his mouth, stared for a few seconds, and then shut it again.
"It's okay," Sirius said. "I was having you on. I'm still with James. Flat hunting's depressing when you don't have my Dad's pay packet."
"I was almost worried."
"You'll be more worried when I get my own place. James has been making me practise grown-up stuff. Turns out I'm a bit of a health hazard."
"What did you do?"
"Set fire to the tea-towel."
"I think you need a carer at all times. Shall we ask one of the nurses?"
"Been pining, have they? Poor things."
"Apparently I'm a perfect patient compared to you because I sit still and don't ask difficult questions."
Sirius smirked. "I might become a nurse."
"What happened to rockstar?"
"Dad's got my guitar, for a start. We've been planning a raid to get it back, but if I saw him I think I might kill him. Hey," Sirius said, "You can have his heart."
"I don't want it."
"Yes you do. That would make you well again."
Remus frowned and refused to meet Sirius' eyes. "It's not that simple. A transplant is the last option. They can still fix mine with minor procedures at the moment."
"But it's been years and you're still having problems."
"Mostly infections. I had lots of operations when I was younger so the bad side of my heart is stable for now. They won't do a transplant until that changes."
"So you're not dying right now?"
"Everyone's dying right now, Sirius, and I am faster than most."
"Don't be morbid."
"I've read all about the risks. There's no point harbouring any hope that things will improve."
"What if someone offered you a heart?"
"Not your Dad's."
Sirius shrugged. "Bad blood, you know. Probably best not."
Remus fingered his bed sheet, looking embarrassed. "That's not what I meant. Nothing wrong with you."
Sirius grinned widely. "People try to deny it, but hey. Nothing wrong with me." He held up his hand with his finger and thumb together. "Perfecto."
"Mm," Remus said. "Except for the dodgy Italian accent."
"You're getting cheeky. Am I corrupting you?"
"Probably."
"Perfecto," Sirius repeated, in his normal voice this time. "You know when you're out of here, Remus?"
"Another few days."
"Will I still see you?"
Remus shrugged. "If you want."
"Do you want?"
"Do you?"
"Of course I do," Sirius said. "You're the one who claims to not like people."
"I like you," Remus replied. "Though I do wonder why. I just thought you might be too busy flat hunting or with James."
"Not that busy. I'll make some plans for us and turn up like surprise, surprise."
Remus didn't smile. "You can cross naked paintball and drunk go-karting off the list."
"But they're my favourites," Sirius said. "Though paint boils on the balls are painful, you know. Worse than getting stabbed."
Remus sighed and looked away.
"I was joking. Haven't done that one yet. I'll plan something good for us, I promise."
"Look, perhaps it's best we don't."
"Don't what? See each other?"
"We have different lives, Sirius. You'd soon get bored of me."
"Wouldn't."
Remus turned back to face him. "I'm not like you. I can't just live by the minute; everything is planned, even going to the corner shop is a mission."
"Then I'll bring the party to you," Sirius said. "And that's a metaphorical party, before you ask. I'm learning. I don't mind doing something quiet. Just as long as we're, you know, doing something."
"I don't want to be a burden."
Sirius pulled a face. "Don't be stupid. If I thought you'd be a burden I'd have done a runner a long time ago."
"My house is tiny and you have to watch your language in front of my parents."
"No problem. Parents love me. Except for my own, that is."
Sirius kicked off his shoes as Remus's mother had requested and allowed himself to be led into the lounge. Remus had been right, his house was smaller than any of Sirius' other friends and the brown paisley carpet was something Sirius hadn't seen since he was a child and visiting his frail grandmother.
Remus was sprawled on one end of the sofa and Sirius' first thought was how much better he looked in jeans and a checked shirt than the jogging bottoms and hoodie he always wore at the hospital.
"Alright?" he said.
"Not bad," Remus replied. "You?"
"Not bad," Sirius echoed. He perched on the other end of the sofa and looked around the room. It was cluttered with mismatched ornaments and photographs. As such a contrast from Sirius's family home he immediately loved it. The amount of photos of Remus throughout his life displayed his transition from a cute chubby baby to an awkward looking child and finally someone in his late teens flitting between looking ill and handsome. Sirius smiled.
"Can I get you a drink, Sirius?" Remus' father asked.
"You got Coke?"
"I can have a look," he said, although Sirius could tell from his tone he knew they hadn't.
"Don't worry. I drink whatever. I'll have the same as Remus."
His face relaxed and he nodded once at him before heading towards the kitchen, Remus' mother right behind him.
"I don't usually have people over," Remus murmured. "I think they're worried about the etiquette."
"They shouldn't be."
"Yes, well, I tried explaining that you don't have any."
"Oi. I do. I like your house. I'll say that if you want."
"Please don't," Remus said. "They knows who you are, it'll only sound sarcastic coming from a posh boy."
"An ex posh boy. And I like that little wolf family." He pointed at a nearby cabinet.
"Mum's favourite animal. She collects wolves."
"Really?" Sirius scrutinised the shelves. "Oh yes, I can see quite a few scattered alongside the pictures. It's like a shrine. To you and to wolves."
Remus blushed. "I have asked her to take them down."
"Don't. They're adorable. There were never any family pictures at my parents, just a massive family tree declaring that somewhere along the line we're related to a Duke of somewhere or other." Sirius frowned. "Think my dad loved that Duke more than me."
Remus gave a sympathetic smile. "I'm sure that's not true."
"Er, stabby stabby. It's true alright. Anyway, I love the dustbin more than I love him."
Remus' parents walked back in the room and his mother handed both boys a mug of tea. "I hope that's alright, Sirius. Do you take sugar?"
He grinned at her. "It's superb," he said. "And no, I don't. I'm-"
"Don't say sweet enough," Remus interrupted, startling both of them. "What?"
"You're being funny today," his father said. "I don't know if I like it."
No-one replied and so Sirius took a sip of the drink. He yelped as the boiling liquid burnt his throat, then spluttered and tried to disguise it. "Sorry. Bit hot." He stared into his tea and waited for Remus' parents to leave them to it. Instead she sunk into the sofa opposite.
"Getting cold out, isn't it?" Remus said and sighed.
Sirius was almost relieved when his phone buzzed with a message from James asking if he was ready to be picked up. He replied with a one word answer and made his excuses. Remus insisted on accompanying him to the door, despite his mother's worried expression. Because the corridor was narrow Sirius ended up walking first. He was just about to reach out to the front door handle when Remus caught his wrist.
"I'm sorry," Remus whispered. "I'll get rid of them next time."
Sirius took a step closer so he could hear his friend better.
Remus frowned. "That's if you'd be willing?"
"You make it sound like a chore," Sirius said, just about managing to keep his voice down. "Of course I want to."
"Told you it's boring here."
"I can make it interesting." Sirius grinned. "I don't want your parents to hate me, though."
"Come when they're out."
"Just name a date and a time."
"Will do," Remus said. "I thought they'd get the hint."
Sirius twisted his hand in Remus' grip so they both had hold of each other's wrists. "It's fine. I know they worry."
Outside a car horn beeped.
"That'll be James." He pulled Remus into a fleeting hug, letting go before the other boy had a chance to react. He disappeared out the door.
Sirius was on the back seat of the bus and getting dirty looks. There were people standing in the aisle, looking longingly at the seats beside him but he couldn't care less. Where else was he going to put his seven bin bags and guitar? A few stops back a pompous looking man had suggested he let someone else sit down and so Sirius had told him to fuck off. No-one else had dared do anything but glare at him since then and Sirius was more than capable of glaring back. Even if his eye was blackened.
When the bus pulled up at his stop he hung the guitar over his neck, shoved a bin bag under each arm and clutched everything else precariously. He barged down the aisle, muttering under his breath and ignoring the squealing teenagers who were angry at being pushed out the way. He almost fell over one of the bags as he got off and was forced to dump everything in the street. He kicked the nearest bag and swore loudly. A woman covered her child's ears.
He moved on, carrying some bags and kicking the others. It took a lot longer than it should for him to arrive at Remus' house.
"You're late," Remus said as he opened the door. He took in Sirius' appearance. "What happened to your eye?"
"My dad," Sirius grunted. "What else? You going to let me in, or what?"
Together they pulled the bin bags into the hallway and Sirius stomped through into the lounge, waiting for Remus to follow.
"I'm alone," Remus said. "What happened?"
Sirius crumpled on to a sofa. "I went to get my things. Locks have been changed so I had to knock. And beg. I fucking hate begging, you know. So humiliating. But that's what he likes, the bastard, to make me feel small."
Remus sat next to him "And your eye?" he said softly.
"We got in an argument," Sirius said. "And he was pissing me off so I told him I'd go to the press. So he punched me."
"Are you going to?"
"No. Don't want everyone knowing. Just you and James."
"I still think you should, he shouldn't get away with what he did to you."
Sirius flung his guitar to the floor. "Well he has done up until now, hasn't he? I fucking hate him"
"Then do something about it."
"Just leave it, Remus, alright?"
"Why won't you tell anyone?"
Sirius let out a noise of frustration somewhere between a shout and a cry. "Because I deserve it. He's my father isn't he; I should do what he says. You do! I should believe every pathetic prejudice he does, or at least keep my mouth shut."
"But that's not you."
"I smeared cold baked beans down his best suit on speech day. I stuck his face on a gay porn picture and put it up round college. That's not what a good son does."
"A good father doesn't stab his own child!"
"I asked for it. I told everyone I hate my own dad and that I was proud to be different and they liked me for it."
"So?"
"So, Remus, I can hardly turn round and admit he's been knocking me about since I was twelve." Sirius buried his head in his hands. He felt Remus shuffle closer and put a tentative hand on his back.
"You've nothing to be ashamed of."
"Yes I have," Sirius said, his voice muffled. "I can't get my own parents to love me."
Remus' hand rubbed his back and without thinking Sirius turned and leant on Remus forcing him into an embrace.
"I'm sorry," Sirius muttered. "I didn't want you to see me like this. Just wanted to see you."
"It's okay," Remus said. "Tell me how to help."
Sirius moved slightly so he was looking at Remus. His eyes were prickling and he hoped they weren't red. He watched Remus watch him, waiting for an answer. "Like this," he said and attached his lips to Remus'.
Remus froze beneath him, not pulling away or kissing back. "Sirius," he said, his voice coming out as a squeak against Sirius' lips. "Sirius, please don't."
Sirius jumped back and wiped a hand across his mouth. "Sorry. So sorry. Oh fuck. I'm going to go." He snatched his guitar from the floor. "I'm a twat."
"No, I am," Remus said.
"You're straight. I should have known."
"I'm not. I'm nothing. I can't do things like that, Sirius, I thought I'd explained."
"Explained what? You've said nothing, just Sirius don't think I'm boring. Which I don't, by the way, as I clearly just demonstrated."
"Is it not obvious?"
"No," Sirius said, his voice going up an octave. "Care to enlighten me?"
"I'm fucking ill," Remus said.
There was a long pause.
"I know."
"So I don't have relationships. I shouldn't even have friendships really, and I wouldn't if you weren't so persistent." Remus kneaded his fists together. "It's selfish of me to put that on people."
"Put what on people?"
"My death! Have you not thought how bad it'll be for my parents? I don't want anyone else to feel the way they will."
"So you shut people out."
"What else can I do?"
Sirius sat back down again. "Anything else. Being ill shouldn't make you suffer in other ways too. You deserve to have fun while you can."
"I don't want to hurt people."
"Stop being a fucking martyr," Sirius snapped. "You're like the nicest person I know."
"People shouldn't care about me when we all know where it's going to lead."
"I thought you were clever, Remus. People care about you, that's a good thing, not a bad." Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "Remus, please."
Remus shook his head. "I'll hurt you."
"I'll hurt you," Sirius said. "I'm the screw up."
"You're not. You have all the right morals in life despite your dad."
"I once fucked a guy in the toilets of a kebab shop. I was upset because my dad had told someone he only had one son."
Remus squinted at him. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I have sex when I'm upset. But with you I just kissed you. And I would never take things any further than you wanted. And I think I like you more than I have liked anyone else before."
"Sirius, don't."
"If you don't like me then that's okay. Just don't punish yourself for being ill."
Remus closed his eyes and didn't speak. When he opened them again he didn't move his gaze from Sirius. "We'll both regret this," he said.
"No we won't."
They edged closer to each other and this time, when their lips touched, it was mutual.
"James," Sirius said, "Jamie. I need a favour. A favour so big that if you do this for me I promise never to mock you and your soppy Lily-loving ways again. Ever."
James eyed up his flat. "Will you do the washing up as well?"
"Anything."
"Then it's a deal."
"You don't even know what it is yet."
"I do," James said. "You want me to pick Remus up, bring him here, make myself scarce for a few hours, and then drive him home when you're ready."
Sirius gawped at him. "How did you know?"
"Because one, you're a twat. Two, you've been glued to your phone all day. And three, you're a predictable twat."
Sirius shrugged. "You're a legend, you know that?"
"I know. What's with the change of routine though? Why can't you go to his like usual?"
"It's been a few weeks now," Sirius replied. "I thought it was time to step it up a gear, and we can hardly do that with mummy and daddy present."
"In other words Sirius Black is horny," James said. "You're an animal."
"I'm a changed man! I meant something romantic. I'm going to cook."
"You're not," James said. "Not while I'm not here to supervise."
"Remus can supervise. Please. I'll even hoover."
"Fine. But if I return to find my flat has been burnt to the ground then I'll kill you. With a knife."
"Deal." Sirius paused. "Now help me find something sexy to wear."
Together they chose a black t-shirt and chinos, which James promised was the right combination of trendy and relaxed but added another thing on Sirius' list of bribed chores. He didn't mind really; he hadn't mentioned to James he would have tidied up for Remus regardless of their bargains. Instead he spent the rest of the afternoon praising James' very existence. That changed when James dropped them back at the flat and waved them off with a wink and a warning to use protection.
"He's kidding," Sirius said, as he led Remus through the door into the open plan flat.
Remus ignored the comment. "It's a nice flat."
"James is a swanky bugger. Like to splurge. Just wait 'til I buy somewhere; it'll be a dump."
"Still looking then?"
"Yeah, but slowly. I like it here. Like the company. Not sure if I could live by myself."
"I think I'd like it."
"Really?" Sirius said. "You thinking of moving out then?"
Remus scoffed. "What do you think? Mum would never allow it."
"You told her about us yet?"
Remus looked away and went to investigate the stack of guitars behind the sofa. "Which one's yours again?"
"Remus."
"No, I haven't."
"And are you going to?"
"No."
"She'd probably be cool with it," Sirius said.
"It's not because you're a guy. She'd worry that a relationship was too much for me on top of my A Levels and hospital appointments. She might stop me seeing you or something, so it's for the best."
Sirius smirked "And you'd never cope with that."
"It'd be your sanity I'd be worried about."
Sirius walked towards him. "I would miss this." He wrapped an arm around Remus' waist and kissed him firmly on the lips.
"Mmm," Remus said.
"You're getting good at this."
They stayed where they were for a minute, attached by the lips. Sirius could feel Remus' fingers nervously working their way into his hair as their tongues touched and their kiss deepened. He traced his hand down Remus' back, leaving it resting on the waistband of his jeans for a minute before pulling away.
"I'm going to make pasta," he said. "Don't worry; it's the one thing I can cook."
"That's because you can't burn pasta."
"You can. You can if you forget the water."
"Well, yes."
Sirius headed over to the kitchen section of the room. "Take a seat. I bought us some lemonade because you can't drink, but I'm sure James has other stuff in the cupboards if you want. I can look."
"You're as bad as my mum. Lemonade is fine."
Sirius smiled. "Sorry. I don't usually do this kind of thing."
"No, you're the love 'em and leave 'em type."
Sirius froze in his quest to find ingredients. "Not any more. Not with you."
Remus gave a curt nod. "Good."
"Don't think about my past," Sirius said.
"I can't help it, your version of telling me you liked me was combined with a sex story."
Sirius grabbed a knife and began to viciously hack at an onion. "I never denied I've done stupid things. And some of them I regret. But I don't want you to hate me because of them."
"I don't," Remus said.
Sirius turned on the radio and for a few minutes the song was only dispersed with the sound of a knife hitting a chopping board.
"How many people have you slept with, Sirius?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Does to me."
Sirius slammed the knife down. "I don't know. Lots? Does that make you feel any better?"
"Why?"
"Why did I shag them? Because I wanted to. Because they wanted to. Perhaps I wouldn't if I known I was going to meet you and you'd be so bloody pissy about it."
"I'm not being… pissy."
"Look, Remus," Sirius said, neglecting his food. "I don't want to mess this up but I can't change the past. I really like you."
Remus stood up so they were eye to eye. "Did you mean it? You wouldn't have been with all those guys if you knew you'd meet me?"
"Remus, you're the only one that's meant anything."
"I want to be like them," Remus said. "I want to. It's just not that simple."
Sirius put a hand on his cheek. "Take as long as you need. There's no rush."
Remus kissed him then, initiating it for the first time. "Show me what to do."
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked against Remus' lips, reluctant to move away.
"Not all the way," Remus said. "But something. Like you said, I should at least get to have fun."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." He kissed him again. "Sorry for all the questions."
"Sorry for being a whore."
"Sirius," Remus said.
Sirius took his hand and led him towards James' bedroom, trying not to laugh at how James would react if he knew. He shut the door. "Promise you'll tell me if you want me to stop."
"I promise."
They kissed again and Sirius took hold of Remus' hips and led them over to the bed until Remus fell backwards and Sirius crawled on top of him, careful not to put any unnecessary pressure. He pulled his top over his head and shivered as Remus' gaze went down his chest.
Remus traced the skin next to the vertical pink scar down Sirius' chest. "Does it still hurt?"
"No, not really."
"It looks neat. Mine are much worse."
"Can I see?"
Sirius pushed Remus' top up to under his armpits. "They're sexy." There was a bit of a struggle to get the round necked top over Remus' head but when they were both bare chested they grinned stupidly at each other. Sirius planted another kiss on Remus' lips then began to work his way down his neck and chest, feeling thrilled when the other boy's hips jerked beneath him. He responded with a similar thrust and his fingers hovered millimetres from Remus' fly.
"This okay?"
"Yeah."
Sirius began to work on the other boy's trousers and smiled when he felt hands at his groin doing the same. The hands soon worked their way beneath his trousers giving his bum an experimental squeeze.
"Don't think you need showing what to do," Sirius murmured, working his way back up for another kiss. He shoved both their trousers down to their ankles and then their hips met each other again and again.
Though Sirius was panting afterwards, he worried how out of breath Remus was.
"You okay?"
Remus nodded. "Just-" he gasped. "Just grab my bag for me."
Sirius shoved his trousers back up without bothering to fasten them and rushed back out into the other room. He found Remus' satchel on the sofa and swept it into his arms before dashing back out.
Remus emptied the contents onto the bed and took several deep puffs from his inhaler. Once better, he lay back on the bed.
Sirius sniffed. "Sorry."
"What for?"
"You know."
"Wasn't your fault," Remus said. "I'm not meant to tire myself out." He smiled sheepishly, the inhaler still clutched in his palm. "Or have other people tire me out, apparently."
"What do you think?" Sirius said, beaming.
James looked round the room at the half painted walls and uneven floor boards. "It's a mess."
"I know. Isn't it brilliant? My Dad would hate it."
"I hate it!"
"We can get pissed and trash it and it wouldn't even matter." Sirius laughed. "Gimme a smile, Jamie. I know there's one in there somewhere. It'll stop me having to jizz in your bed."
"You're a bastard," James said. "I still haven't forgiven you for that. Is this the first place you looked at, or what?"
"Second. It's dirt cheap."
"I wonder why."
"I have paint. And with our talents we can transform it in no time."
James raised an eyebrow. "We?"
"I'll buy you a beer," Sirius said, pleadingly. "You want to help me make it nice for Remus, don't you?"
"Funnily enough, that wasn't in my top ten priorities for this year."
"I helped decorate your flat."
"Yes you did. And then you jizzed in my bed."
Sirius flung his arms around his friend's neck. "Please!"
"Get off me," James said, though he made no move to get out of the embrace. "I want payment."
"Two beers?"
"Three beers and a bottle of vodka."
"I love you, Jamie."
"Fuck off. Where's this paint, then?"
They turned up the radio, stripped down to their jeans to prevent paint for staining too many of their clothes and began splashing the cream paint across the walls, not paying much attention to their brush strokes or neatness of the job. It wasn't long before James, while painting the precarious join of the wall and the ceiling, managed to drip paint on Sirius' hair. He snorted in amusement.
"You twat! Was that on purpose?"
"No," James said. "But this is." He flicked the brush in Sirius' direction.
"Right." Sirius lunged at James' legs, sending him toppling from standing on the arm of the sofa onto the cushions. He landed on top of his friend and drew a stripe of paint down his cheek.
James let out a cry and retaliated, wiping the brush down Sirius' back. They rolled off the sofa and ended up on the floor, wrestling with the brushes as weapons and dipping them in the pot for ammunition. Neither of them were sure who was the culprit, but the paint pot was knocked, spreading the pale liquid across the floor.
"Fuck," Sirius said, staring at his ruined carpet. "My flat."
Then James gave him a shove and he fell into the mess. He pulled his friend down with him. For a moment they both froze in shock at what they had done to the room. Then they both began to laugh. And once they had started they couldn't stop.
Amid the chuckles Sirius heard his phone ring. He wiped his hand on the tiny scrap of his jeans that weren't covered in paint and answered.
"Is that Sirius?" A woman's voice said.
"Who's this?"
"It's Mrs Lupin. Remus' mum," the voice said.
Sirius inhaled quickly. "What's happened?"
"He asked me to call. He's in hospital."
"Is he okay?"
"No." The voice shook. "They want to operate but he's been asking to see you first. Can you come quickly, Sirius?"
"I'll be there," he said and hung up. "James!"
They drove there straight away, covered in paint. Sirius was horrified that as much as he tried he couldn't stop shaking. While James found somewhere to park, he rushed to the ward.
Remus' parents were crowding the bed. He was slumped on the mattress with an oxygen mask over his mouth. When he saw Sirius he weakly pulled it to around his neck and gave a faint smile. "Thanks for coming."
"What you doing waiting for me? You should have had the op. I'd have been here afterwards."
"I wanted to see you." Remus coughed slightly and pulled the mask over his mouth while he took two deep breaths. "Wanted to say bye."
"What?" Sirius swallowed. He looked to Remus' parents. "What's he talking about?"
"He always says goodbye," Remus' dad replied. His mum was trying not to cry.
"Risks," Remus said.
"No, no." Sirius said. "Don't say bye. Remus, you can't."
A nurse edged nervously behind them and Sirius knew it was time. He wanted to kiss Remus, but his parents were there, watching, and so he had to make do with fitting their hands together and giving Remus' a squeeze. He was about to let go when Remus pulled the mask away again, and reached out to the back of Sirius' head. Remus forced their lips together and they kissed gently several times.
"You were right," Remus whispered. "I'm glad I had fun while I could."
Sirius allowed himself to be led to the waiting room. He sat a few seats across from Remus' parents and, afraid to catch their eye, buried his head in his hands. He wasn't aware James had arrived until his friend patted him on the back and told him to keep his chin up. Sirius didn't bother responding until he heard a woman's voice.
"We'd already worked it out," Remus' mother said.
Sirius stared at her. There were tears in her eyes but she didn't look angry.
"We're okay about it, you and Remus. He's been so much happier."
"He has?"
"It was a shock," his father said. "But anything that makes my boy happy is fine by me."
Sirius nodded. "Thank you," he said. He ran a hand through his hair. "What happened? Another infection?"
"No," he replied. "Part of his heart went into failure."
"He's been asking to see you," Remus' mother said. He arms were folded but she'd stopped crying. It was the look of utter exhaustion that made Sirius worry.
"Thought I wasn't allowed."
He'd been sulking since the doctor said only family were allowed into the intensive care unit, but had refused to go home, terrified he wouldn't be there when he was needed.
"The nurses are willing to make an exception for Remus."
"Okay." He suddenly found that his legs wouldn't work and he was grateful for the arm Remus' mother held out towards him. "I'm scared."
"You have to be brave for him now. Promise me," she said. "Promise me you won't worry him."
Sirius blinked at her. "I just want to see him."
There were more tubes coming out of Remus than Sirius had ever seen and he looked smaller than ever beneath the blankets. A nurse placed a chair behind Sirius. He sunk onto it and grabbed Remus' hand in the same movement.
"You kissed me in front of your parents," he said, because it was better than letting the flood of questions poor from his brain.
"I know." Remus' voice was low and croaky.
"They're fine with it, you know. They'd guessed. Which is good because I think I'd have given it away by now. You scared me."
"Sorry."
"No-one's telling me anything."
"I asked them not to," Remus said.
Sirius sniffed. "Why?"
"I wanted it to come from me."
Sirius lifted Remus' hand slightly, so he could take it in both of his own. Their fingers intertwined. "What do you mean?"
"The tube they put in my heart has given out."
"Well get them to put a new one in."
"It's not that simple," Remus said, breathlessly. "Valve's collapsed; there's no room for a new one but my hearts too weak without it."
Sirius shook his head. "I don't understand."
"Yes you do."
"Well then," Sirius said. He took a shaky breath. "They'll just have to get you a transplant then, won't they?"
Remus exhaled wearily. "You know how it works, Sirius."
"And what if you don't get one in time?"
Remus stared at the ceiling, a muscle twitching in his cheek.
"Remus, answer me."
"I can't."
"Why are you so calm?"
"Because I've had nineteen years to get used to the idea," Remus said. "I tried to warn you."
"This is my fault, isn't it?" He took several shaky breaths and gulped. "I should have let you rest."
"It could have happened any time."
"But it didn't. It happened after you started seeing me."
"Sirius, it wasn't your fault."
He blinked and when he opened his eyes the scene in front of him was blurry. "I'll never forgive myself."
Remus wriggled his fingers out of Sirius' grip and moved his hand to stroke Sirius' cheek. "I told you I'd hurt you."
"You haven't. Not yet. You've just got to get better."
"It might not happen."
Sirius made a choking noise and shook his head. He wasn't aware he was crying until Remus moved his hand across the wet cheek.
"Don't get upset," Remus said.
"Can't help it. I need to get the… the doctors to do their fucking job," he said and stood up, looking around the room angrily for someone to launch a verbal attack on.
"Please don't go."
Sirius stared at him. Remus was pale like usual but there was also a strange blue tinge creeping into his skin and the long eyelashes almost covered his eyes. Sirius sat back down. His hands fell limply onto his lap. "I think I love you," Sirius said. "Isn't that strange."
"Don't do this."
"I feel like you're giving up."
Remus' hand twitched slightly but the rest of him stayed completely still. "There's something you should know. There's a procedure they could do to put in an artificial chamber in my heart."
Sirius gawped at him. "Then do it."
"It's high risk. I could die on the table." He paused. "I wouldn't see you again, or my mum and dad. I'd rather wait it out and be with you as long as I can."
"And if the operation worked?"
"Problem solved, for now. There would always be difficulties though, medication, check-ups, infections."
Sirius wiped a furious hand across his cheek. "You are giving up."
"No. I just don't want to die today."
"Do you love me?"
"Sirius."
"I know you love your parents," Sirius said. "You'd be hurting them more if you don't give this a chance."
"Don't blackmail me."
"I'm not. But if you're going to die at least do it fighting. Not just whimper whimper out on this bed while we all watch."
"This isn't the easy option, Sirius."
"Please," Sirius said. "Just have the operation. You won't die. I promise."
The corner of Remus' mouth twitched. "You can't promise that."
Sirius shrugged.
"Will you do something for me?" Remus asked.
"Anything."
"Tell someone about what your dad's done to you."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "You know I don't want to."
"I don't want this operation."
"Will you have it? Will you have it if I go to the press?"
"Promise me you will," Remus said.
"I will. I promise."
"Okay, then." Remus gave a weak nod. "But if it goes wrong, I don't want you to blame yourself. It was my decision, you understand, not yours." He paused. "And also, in answer to your previous question, I do love you too."
"Good," Sirius said. "Good."
Their lips found each other in a clumsy, hospital sullied kiss.
Sirius was in the hospital waiting room. He sat awkwardly, spread over two chairs with his bottom on one, his feet on the other and his knees up in the air. An elderly lady was looking disapprovingly in his direction. In his lap was his mobile phone which he was ignoring, despite the fact it beeped with a new message every couple of minutes.
The first few messages had been ones of concern, even a 'sorry to hear that', from Lily and a 'want some company babe?' from a boy he used to see. Then James had sent an 'are you mental?' and quickly succeeded it with five calls that Sirius had refused to answer. He hadn't bothered to read the messages after that, just checked the screen to see who they were from. He couldn't bring himself to turn the device off, just in case his mother or brother or one of his many cousins had something positive to say.
He'd only contacted the city paper but their interest in his story had spiralled and as far as Sirius could tell, it had made it into all major newspapers and TV channels, along with the photo of his scar they had made him pose for while pulling a sad expression. It was big news, apparently, that a major politician had abused his own child. Abused was the paper's favoured word, not Sirius'.
Remus had been unconscious for two days now and Sirius needed him more than ever. He was only allowed to see him through the thick windows of the Intensive Care unit. The first time he'd taken in the tubes entering Remus' mouth and coming out of his chest had been enough to make Sirius retch onto the recently cleaned tiles.
He walked out of the room in a daze, only thinking about Remus and the possibility that if he watched him for long enough it might bring him round. Not much further down the corridor he collided with a man in a brightly coloured blazer and a carefully styled blonde quiff.
"Sirius Black?"
Sirius stopped and looked up. His eyes widened momentarily before he caught himself, shoved his hands in his pockets and made to move on. The man grabbed hold of his shoulders.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to pry. It's just a few simple questions."
"Get off me," Sirius said.
The man fished a tape recorder out and held it in front of Sirius. "Are you planning to press charges?" the man asked, undeterred.
"Take your hands of my shoulder. And get that out of my face." Sirius looked at the man and realised he couldn't be much older than himself, just in a job that was far too good for him. He gave him a shove, experimentally.
The man smiled. "Take it easy. I come in peace." He laughed at his own joke. "Hey, Sirius. Have you had any thought about how your accusations will impact your father's campaign? Was that the reason behind them?"
"Orion Black stabbed me," Sirius said. "That was the reason behind my accusations. Nothing else."
The man smiled again. "There's a rumour going around that he was provoked."
"Is there? And you're here for evidence, I suppose?"
"Why did you punch him Sirius? It's hardly a secret you disagree with his policies. Did Daddy not like your new boyfriend?"
Sirius blinked. "Get your facts right. I didn't meet my boyfriend until after my delightful father put a knife through my chest."
"Perhaps another boy then. From what I hear you've hardly shy of promiscuity."
"My boyfriend is seriously ill," Sirius said, his voice only shaking a little. "So fuck you and your stupid ideas." He barged past the journalist and stormed down the corridor. The sound of shoes slapping on the uncarpeted floor alerted Sirius to the fact the man wouldn't give in that easily. He turned round, arms flying out in frustration. "Get the hell out of my face."
"Temper clearly runs in the family," the journalist said. "Have there been any altercations between you and your mother, for example? You and your brother? Your mother and your father?"
Sirius gave a noise of ridicule. "They're not my family anymore."
"But you don't dispute the fact there may have been more violence within the household? I can't help but wonder if that trait will be passed onto you." The journalist paused, the smile still plastered on his face. "Do you think it's likely you'll lash out at your boyfriend? Remus, isn't it?"
Sirius lunged at the journalist, pushing him up against the wall, with one hand against his neck. He hadn't thought the move through, but now they were in that position Sirius could tell that although he was shorter he was also stronger. "I would never ever do anything to hurt Remus," he hissed in the man's ear. "And if you so much as whisper his name again I will personally see you live to regret it."
The journalist laughed again, but not quite as self-assured as he had previously. "Why, why, Sirius. I only wanted a little chat."
Sirius shoved him harder against the wall. "Go on then. Tell your poxy newspaper about my temper problem. Tell the whole fucking world for all I care." He heard his phone buzz again as it vibrated against his thigh.
"Popular?"
"More than you'll ever be."
"Touché," he said. "It's not in my job description to be popular."
"No. I'm guessing it reads annoying, cock faced tosser," Sirius said.
"Only between the lines. Come on, Sirius, let me go."
"Give me a good reason."
"I can take your father down," the journalist said. "I can expose him for everything he's ever done to you and I can make him go to jail for it. All I need is a tiny bit of co-operation from you and together we can make the whole world hate him."
Sirius' hand slackened. He took a deep breath and his eyes flickered slowly to the floor. Then he shrugged and met the man's gaze again. "Go fuck yourself," he said. This time he made it down the corridor without interruption.
It was another whole day before Sirius found himself being shaken awake by a frantic nurse.
"What's up?" he said, squinting in the bright light. "What's happened?"
"He's awake," the nurse said.
Sirius jumped to his feet but respected the warning hand the nurse held in his direction.
"His parents are with him now. He's weak still, and tired, but he should be okay."
"Really okay?" Sirius asked.
"Really."
"I want to see him."
"You know the rules, Sirius," the nurse said, wearily. "And I know, I know, we've broken them before. We'll see what we can do for you but it'll have to be when he's a little bit stronger." She paused. "I'm sorry, Sirius, but it won't be today."
Sirius collapsed back down on the chair. "I need to see for myself, I- I thought he was going to die."
She sat down next to him. "He's tough."
"I know that. But he was close to giving up."
"Don't think about it," she advised. "He's on the mend. I'll try and pull a few strings so you can see him, but in return do me a favour. Go home and get some sleep. No offence, but you look like you could use it."
He swallowed and slowly nodded. "Okay. Someone will phone me though if anything changes."
"Of course."
"Right," he said. "Need to get my beauty sleep then. Got to look gorgeous for when I can see Remus."
"I can't believe they actually let you come," Sirius said as they waved bye to Remus' parents together. He ushered him into the building, taking care to walk at Remus' speed not his own and suggested they took the lift despite the fact he only lived up on flight of stairs.
"My parents are under the impression you convinced me to have the operation. In other words, they approve."
"I thought they thought I was bad for you."
"Maybe they did at some point," Remus replied. "But now you're a poor, hurt boy who's been ever so brave-"
"Funny."
"Sorry. They like you Sirius, but it wouldn't change anything if they didn't."
"Good. Well, this is it. My flat."
Remus stepped inside and looked around him. "There's a bit of a stain on the carpet, don't know if you noticed."
"Don't trust James with a pot of paint."
"Well I love it," Remus said.
Sirius eyed him strangely. "Liar. Come on, come and sit down. Won't do you any good being on your feet for too long."
"I'm fine," Remus replied, but he did as instructed. "And I wasn't lying; I think it's the perfect place for you."
"Because it's a mess?"
"Because you can't make it any messier. Must be such a nice feeling to have your own place," Remus said, still taking in the contents of the flat.
Sirius sat next to him on the sofa. "Yeah. Just wish I did it years ago."
"You wouldn't have met me then."
Sirius considered it. "That's true. Definitely the best outcome of getting stabbed." He paused. "You should move in, you know."
Remus' face was unreadable. "Sirius, why have you got all these newspapers?"
"Fifteen minutes of fame."
Remus grabbed one and flicked through it. "We both know that's not why." He stared at page which displayed one photo of Orion Black and two of Sirius. The first was the official topless scar picture he had posed for and the other was a photo of him drunk, with a cone on his head, which they must have stolen from Facebook. "Have you read all these?"
"Yes," Sirius said. "I want to know what they're saying about me."
Remus grunted. "Well this one thinks you're a raging alcoholic who probably deserved it."
"They support Dad's party." He fished through the pile. "Try reading this one. They make out I'm a defenceless little angel. It's funny."
Remus took the paper and saw a picture of a younger Sirius in school uniform alongside a headline declaring that they were in the middle of the 'Black Plague of politics'. "How long are you planning on keeping them for?"
"Not sure."
"Get rid of them. You're free from your dad now, or at least you would be if you didn't have the story plastered all over the house."
"I started it though, didn't I?"
"I hope you're not feeling guilty." Remus grabbed the newspapers and struggled to his feet. "Where's the bin?"
Sirius led the way.
"Right then," Remus said, dumping the items. "They've gone now, time for you to move on. And since you have your boyfriend to stay for one night only, how do you intend on entertaining me?"
"Well, I thought I might actually cook this time seeing as before we got, you know, distracted. I nicked an apron off James' girlfriend. It's that pink thing over there."
"Okay."
"Only okay?"
"I thought you might have planned something a little bit more relationshipy," Remus said, turning away to try and disguise the red tinge to his cheeks.
"I would have. But I thought we might get carried away and the doctor said you had to rest. Look what happened last time."
"Just because I have to remain nice and virtuous doesn't mean you do."
"What you thinking?"
"How do you fancy being a naked chef?"
Sirius' look of surprise was soon replaced by a cheeky grin. "What has happened to you?"
"You," Remus said. "Come here."
They kissed for a few minutes, enjoying being able to rediscover each other without the awkwardness of worrying whether doctors or nurses or Remus' parents were likely to burst in on them. Sirius could hear Remus' breathing and feel one of his escaped curls brushing against his forehead. He smoothed the curl back and let his hand nestle in Remus' hair. In turn, Remus slipped his fingers beneath Sirius' jumper, cold on the bare skin, and started trying to work it up.
"I hadn't even agreed yet," Sirius said.
Remus kissed him again but this time they broke away for long enough for the jumper and t-shirt to come over Sirius' head in one go.
"Missed you," Remus said. His hands went to Sirius' flies.
Sirius let himself be undressed, only reacting when Remus pulled his boxers down so they lay around his ankles with his jeans. He stooped, pulling both layers off and removing his socks. He stood back so Remus had the full view.
"Well?"
Remus bit his lip. "Get cooking."
So Sirius tied the apron around his waist and set to in the kitchen. It was small and only just big enough to drag a dining chair into so Remus needn't stand the whole time. They chatted while he worked, but Sirius was aware that Remus' eyes were always focused on him.
The meal passed smoothly and Sirius thought Remus' offer to help with the washing up was a sign that he appreciated the food. He declined though, instead insisting they relaxed for a while.
"It really isn't fair, you know," Sirius said. "That I'm giving you such a marvellous sight and you're still fully dressed."
"Is that a come on?"
"Fuck, yes."
"Then do something about it."
"Right." Sirius nodded. "Okay." He shuffled closer to Remus and began undoing his shirt buttons one by one. He was in the process of pushing it off Remus' shoulders when he suddenly cleared his throat. "I'm scared I'll hurt you."
"I'm better now, Sirius."
"But you were really ill. I saw you. You looked horrible."
"Thanks."
"Ill horrible, I mean."
"Please, just for one night let's forget about sickness and hospitals and enjoy ourselves.
"If you insist," Sirius said, the smile creeping back. "Better remove these trousers then."
He tugged down the material and awkwardly fished the throw over from under them, so they could snuggle beneath it. For a while they just lay together, skin on skin and lips on lips.
"I do want to have sex," Remus said. "I want to, and we will when my stupid body can cope with it. You were probably wondering if it would ever happen."
"I told you there was no rush."
"Yeah, but you must of thought about it."
"Of course I have," Sirius said. He shuffled under the blanket, running a hand up Remus' chest so it brushed a nipple and ended up around his neck. "But for now this is enough."
"I did hear you when you mentioned moving in," Remus said. "And I'd love to, but I can't just yet."
Sirius blinked. "Okay."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I dunno, there's something about you that means everything you say is fine."
"I might have to take advantage of that."
Sirius nodded, mockingly serious. "Go ahead. I think it's because I love you."
Remus kissed him. "I love you too."