Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel comics or characters or movies, and am making no money off of this fic.
AN: Written for the October 3rd Whumptober prompt: insomnia.
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Survival by luvsanime02
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James 'Bucky' Barnes can't sleep. This is nothing new for him. His arm hurts, even though it's not there anymore. This is also nothing new. His arm hurts, and he's supposed to take medication for that, and sometimes he does, but mostly, he doesn't. Bucky hates taking any kind of medication now, or anything that dulls his senses or clouds his mind.
That's not really so surprising. It's not the same as being in the chair, nothing is, but painkillers come the closest, and Bucky went into a panic attack the first time that he was given some heavy painkillers. It's too easy to lose himself in that emptiness.
Sleeping is kind of a similar experience. That's not why Bucky can't sleep, though. Or, at least, he doesn't think that's the reason why. He's pretty sure that the cause is a mixture of whatever's messed up with his brain chemistry and good, old-fashioned restlessness.
He wonders if Steve ever sleeps soundly anymore. He used to. Then again, both of them used to be a lot of things. Not normal, no. Bucky, yes, he supposes, and he's alright with that, would give practically anything to go back and be a normal person again. Not Steve, though. Steve was never normal. That's what most people don't seem to realize about him. Steve was always Captain America. He just didn't gain the title until the war.
Bucky's not Steve, though, and he doesn't want to be him. Bucky fought his war, and he wants to be done with that now, with the fighting, but he keeps on getting called back in. He can't say no, because how else is he going to earn the right to keep on living? How else can he walk around and watch random people going about their lives and stop feeling like he's nothing but rotten detritus on the inside?
Sleep is overrated, except that Bucky would really like to fall asleep sometimes. He lies down and tries to shut off his brain, tries all of the breathing exercises, tries homeopathic options, and nothing works. He could lie there for eight hours, has done exactly that before, staying motionless, and nothing changes.
Insomnia is so much more than not being able to fall asleep quickly. It's this grinding in your bones and this fog in your mind, no matter how tired you are, and Bucky hates feeling this way, but he doesn't know how to make it go away.
Bucky beat HYRDA's programming by being a stubborn son of a bitch, in Clint Barton's words, and yet, he can't force his body to fall asleep when he wants it to. Pathetic, really, and very inconvenient. Bucky needs a new hobby or something to do on the nights when sleep just won't come.
Right. He'll get on that. Bucky has quite a few more important things to worry about than his lack of regular sleep. Insomnia won't kill him. So what if he's a little tired? He'll adjust. Humans can adjust to almost anything. Including torture. Bucky would know.
Lately, Bucky hasn't even tried to fight the insomnia. It's so much easier to just work around the problem. To find some way to use his weakness, and change it into something productive. Bucky's very good at not letting his weaknesses control him. Really, if he can't sleep, then Bucky has so much more time to do other things instead. Important things. Anything. To help others, to help Steve, to help himself. Bucky's not doing so well with that last one, but the other two kind of make up for it, in his mind.
No, insomnia isn't going to defeat Bucky Barnes, but that's not exactly the best handicap to manifest just when he's finally piecing himself back together again. He'll survive, though. Somehow, Bucky always does.
Whether he wants to, or not.