For Blaine, it was never about sex. He just wanted to feel close to someone. He wanted someone to make him feel again.
I was alright, but things got kinda heavy...
After a summer of cuddling, kissing, and promises that nothing would ever change, Blaine just wanted to hold onto the Kurt that he knew for just a little longer. The Kurt who was always there to be his support system and was always willing to lend a ear or a shoulder to cry on.
But after Kurt left for New York, things began to change.
First it was the apartment.
Sure, Blaine was happy that Kurt was getting a taste of independence, and that things with Rachel were going well. But everytime he mentioned the upcoming student council election, Kurt's words of reassurance seemed to fall short, and weren't as enthusiastic as he had hoped. Phone calls between the two were usually cut short with a "I'll call you right back in 10 minutes, love you! Bye!"
And it wasn't that he was unhappy about Kurt being away. At first. He knew that he couldn't force Kurt to stay with him in Ohio just because of his emotional needs. But after becoming student council president, he felt strange celebrating without his best friend. You brought me to life.
Then it was the internship.
He knew that Kurt wanted the Vogue internship more than anything, especially after not getting into NYADA. He remembered the hours on end they spent together, compiling photos of his more eccentric outfits and creating the website. Seeing Kurt look so determined, so fiercely concentrated to make sure that every detail was perfect was incredible, and Blaine admired his drive. So when he got the call in Spanish class that Kurt had gotten the internship, he gushed to everyone he knew. He was proud of his boyfriend, and was so happy for him. But he just wished that he could be there to celebrate with him.
Their meticulously scheduled 6 pm phone calls were pushed back to 10. Then 11. Then they just stopped happening, and Blaine felt himself getting worried. Then the texts began to arrive hours apart. Eventually, Kurt was answering his text messages maybe once a day, and he was lucky to even get the 'Good morning, sunshine!' text that Blaine had gotten so used to.
And then Eli came into the picture. My biggest mistake was meeting you.
Blaine met Eli during a particularly terrible night. He had received no answer to his texts or calls, and after driving around town to clear his head, he found himself at Scandals. Sure, Eli was no Kurt, but he offered the same emotional intimacy that he had once received from Kurt, who seemed to no longer care. Eli came on a little too strong for his taste, but he made for good company.
He kept his distance at first, not wanting to be a hypocrite after the whole Chandler ordeal. He told Eli about Kurt and how much he loved Kurt and how much he missed him, and even when Eli attempted to make a move, he pulled back.
A week later, he found himself making the biggest mistake of his life.
At the time, it seemed like the only way. After Kurt hung up with him to take a call - over gossip? Really? - he found himself answering Eli's tempting messages on Facebook. After being so consumed with loneliness and having no one to talk to, Eli was willing to listen. And when he just needed to be close to someone, Eli was more than willing to oblige.
He never meant for it to go that far. What have I done?
The second he left the boy's house, he found himself composing an excuse to give his parents so that he could make the trip to New York immediately. He was so overcome with guilt from what he had done - what have I done, oh God, Kurt will never forgive me - that he just needed to tell Kurt and see him face to face.
I didn't expect it to hurt this bad.
Seeing Kurt's face light up after surprising him nearly tore Blaine apart. The way Kurt looked at him at Callbacks when he called him the love of his life hurt more than anything. I can't sleep, let's run away and don't ever look back.
'Please stop pretending like there's nothing wrong.'
In that moment, he realized that things hadn't been okay for a while. For weeks, he had been clinging on to the Kurt - my Kurt - that he met that fateful day at Dalton Academy. His Kurt was changing, and Blaine found himself falling behind.
Maybe this was for the best. Maybe it was a long time coming. But he never thought that it would ever hurt this bad.