16 July, 2005: Previously this story was a songfic, I had posted on my other account: A Misunderstood Artistic Soul. I edited out most of the lyrics of the songtext, so now it's just a normal one-shot fic.
Title: Inside of me
Date: 26 June, 2005
Written by: AMAS
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, it's the rightful property of Kazaki Takashi.
Type: one-shot fic
Warnings: tissue alert, occ-ness, and uhm AN?
A/N: This story originates from said authoress being on a sugar high during the time she wrote said story. WHAT? Don't look at me like that. I'm weird, DEAL WITH IT:P
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A slight drizzle was falling down from the sky, when the figure of a tall man approached the iron gate.
Standing in front of it, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he stared through the bars at the landscape lying beyond the confines of the gate.
How long had it been, since he last came here.
His gaze was unmoving, his face features determined, his mouth a grim thin set line.
The aura that usually hung around him was firmly in place. If anything, it had considerably hardened over the last few months.
His chestnut hair was a bit dishevelled, matted to his fore-head, due to the rain.
His eyes were cold and emotionless, a stark contrast with how he was really feeling deep inside.
He wore his emotionless mask better then he ever did, to give people the false illusion that nothing was wrong with him.
But, in truth, everything was wrong, ever since he left.
Everybody had already moved on, but not him.
He could never move on. Not without him.
His life was a meaningless one, when he would not be by his side.
But he was gone, and he would never come back.
Never……..
This word had haunted him day and night.
Where was his light that had shown him the way?
Where was the fire that kept him going on?
Where was the smile that had lighted even the gloomiest of days?
Why did it have to be him? An innocent, pure soul, a person with a good and kind-hearted nature.
Why not him.
If anyone, it should have been him. …..
He, who had done everything wrong, was the one who was still alive today.
And yet, the one who had done everything right had paid with his life…
Why was life so unfair?
What did he do to deserve this torment, to be reminded each and every day that the one person that had meant the world to him was also taken away from him. Just like his parents were.
This aching he felt inside would never cease. It would continue to gnaw at his insides, eating him alive.
Why did he continue on? What was he trying to prove, and to whom? Was he trying to keep a promise to the person that meant everything to him?
Was he pushing on for him? But why bother, when the last person he wanted to push on for was gone.
But even though he knew this, he still kept going on. For what he could not determine, nor did he want to.
Gingerly, he lifted his hands, which left the confines of the pockets they were previously kept in, and placed them on the cold and smooth bars of the gate.
He stood still, hesitating, feeling the cold material drain his skin of its heat.
What was he waiting for? He knew he needed to proceed. He needed to visit the one place he hadn't dared to set foot in, for he knew what was there.
Something he couldn't come to terms with, or never tried. But he could no longer continue to run away from it.
Sooner or later he would have to face his fears.
He would have to see the horrible truth engraved in stone, and once and for all come to terms with his loss.
He also did this, because he knew the one he was grieving for, would not have wanted him to torment himself day and night.
His heart would break if he knew that he had tried to forget all about him, to try to erase the hurt, but not succeeding. But he knew no other way to deal with his emotions.
But every once in a while his carefully constructed façade would break, and all his bottled up emotions would come out into the open.
He feared what he would find beyond the confines of this gate. He didn't want to go. Like always he wanted to run away, forget whatever lay buried there.
But he could not, for his light, his heart lay buried there.
However, he pushed his strangling and suffocating emotions into the back of his mind, numbing his soul to any emotions, as he pushed open the doors of the gate.
The heavy, iron doors creaked open in an eerie way. The path lay open to him.
The eerie and fore boding air of the grave yard welcomed him.
Swallowing down a heavy lump in his throat, he proceeded through it.
Numb to feelings and touch, the rain continuing to pelt down on him, he wandered over the path towards his destination.
The gravel crunching underneath his boots, the wind swept up his hair. His emotionless, dull cobalt eyes were fixed on what lay dead ahead of him.
A sudden feeling of fear struck him, when he saw the something he had been trying to avoid for months in a row now.
What came to visit him in his dreams instead, reminding him time and time again in what he had failed to accomplish.
His promise……..to him…..
Without realising it, his feet moved on their own accord, moving towards the destination he was trying to avoid.
When it dawned on him, that he was standing right in front of his tomb stone, he was face to face with his inner demons. His walls started crumbling down right around him.
The wind picked up suddenly, carrying a long forgetting memory in its wake.
It made him remember.
"Nisama….." the wind whispered ever so softly. "Why did you leave me? You promised you would always be there for me when I needed you. But you forgot about me….YOU PROMISED.."
When he heard these words carried on the wind, reaching his ears, he was sure he was going insane.
His eyes wide open, familiar repressed memories replayed inside his head.
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His brother was sitting on a swing, and he was pushing him gently in the back, to make him go higher.
"Higher, oni-chan!" his younger brother cried out joyfully.
And that was exactly what he did, oblige to Mokuba's request.
The joyful laughter of his little brother ringing in his ears, made a smile appear on his face.
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"Ni-sama?" Mokuba called for his older brother.
"I'm in here, Mokuba" was his reply.
Moments later, Mokuba's head peeked around the corner, broad smile lighting up the room as soon as he would enter.
Seto, who had been stressed and aggravated about work, looked up to see his little brother's head peeking around the corner.
As soon as he saw his brother's playful smile, his mood brightened instantly.
A sly smirk appeared on his face. He knew that smile all to well.
"What are you up to, Mokuba?" he questioned him.
"Nothing much. I was just wondering if you would like to have a walk at the park with me." He answered, walking into the office, over to the window, to open the curtains, letting the sunlight stream in.
He motioned outside.
"It's a beautiful day…." He added thoughtfully.
"Mokuba…." He said, letting out an inaudible sigh, taking of his glasses, which he wore to protect his eyes, since he used the computer so much.
Mokuba was staring out of the window, back facing him, hands clasped behind his back.
A sad smile was playing on his lips.
"I understand….," He said, turning around, moving over to the spot Seto was at.
Hugging him from behind, Seto let out a sharp, surprised gasp. He definitely hadn't expected that.
"I guess I'll get back to my homework then…" Mokuba continued. "See you later, big brother." He waved at him, before making an attempt at leaving the office.
Having observed his brother's moves the entire time, he took another sceptical look at the pile of paperwork lying in front of him that still needed to be done.
He really should….but he decided not to.
Getting up from his chair, he called after his brother.
"Mokuba, wait!"
Mokuba turned around, to face his now standing brother.
"What is it?" his little brother asked, curious as to what Seto wanted to ask him.
"You're right. Let's go take that walk in the park."
"Really?" He said, mirth twinkling in his eyes.
"Yes, really…" He stated, emphasising on the last word.
That was all that was needed to make a bright smile paint itself onto Mokuba's face features.
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"Seto?" Mokuba broke the comfortable silence that had settled between the two of them, while they were sitting side by side on the grass.
"Yes?" his brother replied, leaning on his hands, staring up into his little brother's face." What is it?"
"We'll always be together, right?"
Arching an eye-brow at Mokuba's strange question, he said. "Of course we will."
"You promise?" Mokuba asked urgency in his voice.
Seto, picking up on this, smiled warmly at him, and ruffled his hair fondly.
Mokuba giggled.
"I promise that we'll always stay together, Mokuba. No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you. I'll always be there to protect you when you're in danger. I would never let anything bad happen to you. You know that, right?"
"I know…." Said Mokuba, giving his brother a hug.
He hugged him back.
"But to seal the promise you just made, we'll have to pinkie swear."
Stretching out his pinkie in front of Seto, he grinned mischievously.
"Alright…." Seto agreed, eyeing his brother suspiciously.
They both linked their pinkies together.
"Pinkie swear…." Seto whispered into the cool autumn air.
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All these images whirled though his mind at such a fast pace, that reeling with the aftershock, he fell down onto his knees in front of the tomb stone.
That last memory was the most overwhelming one. It contained an important fact. An important promise he had made, but wasn't able to keep.
He had failed Mokuba, had failed to keep his promise.
"You promise?"
Promise…Promise…Promise….
The same words echoed inside his mind all over again.
"I promised to keep you safe. I promised I would be there for you when you needed me…." He whispered brokenly, all the pain, hurt, and regret pouring out.
"But when it came down to it, I wasn't there for you. If it wasn't because of my foolishness, you would still be alive!" He cried, clenching his fist, his eyes closed, trying to hold back the first tears from leaking down.
What he hadn't been able to do, he did it now. His body started to shake and convulse, enveloping his face inside his hands, he called out hoarsely. "Forgive me for breaking my promise to you Mokuba."
A few feet distance away stood a young boy, hidden inside the shade of the threes.
A solemn smile was on his face, his eyes softening at what he saw.
'I guess, I knew, you were trying to keep the hurt inside, Kaiba….But stuffing away your feelings for so long isn't the right course of action. But, then again, I guess we all deal with it another way. And you were trying to deal with it, in the only way you knew how to.'
Coming out from his hiding place, he walked over to the kneeling young brunet, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Thoroughly startling him, his eyes open wide in shock; he whipped his head around, only to find his arch nemesis looking down at him.
A sudden pang of shame washed over him. But it slipped away just as fast as it had come.
It didn't matter that his enemy saw him in a moment of weakness. Nothing mattered anymore, not since his brother had passed away.
Removing his gaze from the blond boy, he instead focussed on the engravings of the tombstone.
Reaching out a slender hand, he touched the cool, marble. Tracing his hand over the intricate carvings and the letters carved in stone that said:
Here lies Mokuba, beloved little brother of Seto Namura (1), the light in the darkness, the smile that lighted up the gloomiest of days.
Tracing his hand along the engravings of the poem, a single tear drop splattered against the surface of the tomb stone.
Katsuya read over the lyrics Seto touched with the tips of his fingers.
I will always have you, inside of me
Even though you're gone
Love still carries on
Love, inside of me
I will always feel you
You'll always be inside of my heart
I'll always have you inside of me
I will always have you Inside of me….
The words were heart warming, and it made memories resurface for the blond boy as well.
He decided to break the silence that had settled between the two of them. "It hurts, doesn't it?" His question was more like a statement.
Seto didn't respond. The tears continued falling down.
"Believe me, I know." He stated softly, eyes glazing over somewhat, before he shook it of.
his statement angered Seto greatly, snapping him out of his stupor, blood boiling. Pointing his finger at him, he screamed at him, in pure rage, venom laced into every word he threw out at the boy.
"HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HOPE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH?" He roared at him.
This caught Katsuya somewhat of-guard, but it was to be expected. His eyes narrowed somewhat. He didn't like the fact that Kaiba had disturbed the tranquillity of this place. This was a place of peace.
"Be quiet!" He hissed "This is a sanctuary of peace…Would you please give it the respect it deserves!"
"How dare you?" Seto snapped back, voice croaking.
"You are shaming the memory of my sister by doing what you just did…"
"Your sister…" He said, confusion flashing through his cobalt eyes briefly. "What are you talking about?"
Katsuya turned his head away, walking over to a tombstone that was settled under the shade of a three.
Confusion was replaced by understanding, as it dawned on him exactly what he meant.
"Yes, my sister…" Katsuya answered him, back turned on him, bending down, and placing a beautiful bouquet of pink roses on his little sister's grave.
He still held one bouquet of red roses in his hand as he stood up.
Seto was silent, not knowing what to say. He never knew Jou had a sister.
"Happy birthday, Shizuka…" he whispered in a gentle tone.
"Was she younger than you?" Seto asked, finally finding his misplaced ability to speak again.
"Yes, she was….and the only sibling I had…"
The next thing Seto said shocked Katsuya deeply. Kaiba actually apologised.
"I'm sorry…" He uttered.
"Don't be…." Jou brushed him off, dusting himself of, and straightening out his jacket.
"She died a few years back. I will never fully get over it. But now I'm at a point where I can finally give it a place in my heart…"
Seto was merely staring at him and what he still held in his hand.
Katsuya, who noticed the penetrating gaze of Kaiba settled on him, steady and unwavering, turned around.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" He questioned him.
"For whom are the other flowers?"
"I….oh!" He stumbled over his own words, realising what Kaiba had been staring at. "They are….uhm…for Mokuba…" He said, feeling somewhat awkward.
He hadn't expected Kaiba to be here in the first place, when he came to visit his sister and …Mokuba as well.
Seto's eyes widened.
"Why?" He stammered
"Don't be so surprised, Kaiba..." He said. "Although you may not have noticed, Mokuba was my friend …" He continued, elaborating on the why of his "nemesis".
Walking over to the grave of the younger Kaiba, he placed the bouquet of red roses in front of it. Bending down on his knees, next to the elder Kaiba, he stared at the tombstone.
Cocking his head to the side, he said, looking at the person next to him.
"You know…Although the pain may be unbearable right now, it will lessen, believe me. You'll never get over it fully, but given time, you will find a place where he will always live on."
Touching the centre of his chest, he motioned "In your heart." And then he touched his fore head. "And in your memories…"
A small smile graced his face, as he stood up again.
Seto was left at a loss for words. He remembered something, which brought a smile to his face.
"You know, I always kept a picture of him on my nightstand. When I would wake up from a night mare, I would just have to take one look at his smiling face and everything would be alright again. "
"Funny, I did the exact same thing….and still do…"
"Same here…" Seto stated softly.
"I guess we have more in common than we thought, huh?"
They both could only chuckle at that.
"Yes, I guess we do…" Seto agreed, thoughtful look etched into his face.
"What are you thinking about?" Jou asked, curiosity imbedded into his voice.
"That when he…" He stopped right after that, hesitating to continue.
Jou was looking at him expectantly, tightening his jacket around him, since he was beginning to feel cold, his clothes getting damp from the rain.
"That when he what?" Jou urged him on.
"That, when I felt my world would crumble down around me, I would just think of his smile, and I would fly. "
"Losing a loved one is never easy. But even though it hurts to let go, your brother would have wanted you to move on, not wallow in your own misery. He would want you to be happy and remember the way he was, cherish the wonderful memories you have made together. I think that's what he would have wanted."
"I know I should, if only I could….." was Seto's enigmatic response, getting up from his sitting position, wiping away the remains of his spilt tears with the sleeve of his trench coat.
"In time you will be able to…"
"I hope so…." Seto whispered, as he bent down, brushing away the autumn leaves lying on the ground in front of his brother's grave.
Katsuya followed what he was doing, curious, but he decided not to comment on it.
Seto retrieved the duel monsters locket from around his neck, with the photo of his baby brother in it.
Opening it, he took one long last look at it, before he carefully laid it on the ground, covering it up with the leaves he had brushed aside before.
"For now I will bury my past, and just like you always wanted, I will start to focus on the future, and not stay with my head in the past. This is the present, and hear me now, Mokie…." He paused after this. "I will come back to retrieve this, when I'm ready, when I'm at the point that I've given your death a place in my heart…."
Standing up straight again, he brushed himself of.
The two boys exchanged meaningful looks.
"Let's go…" Katsuya was the first to speak up.
The other boy nodded.
Comfortable silence reigning between the two of them, they walked back over the gravel path, to the entrance of the grave yard.
Seto was the last to pass through it. Turning around, a genuine smile appeared on his face, as he looked up at the sky.
The dark clouds had moved, to make place for the first rays of sunlight. Sunlight that lighted up Seto's dark soul for the first time in a long while.
"After rain there will always come sun shine, Seto…."
"I will never forget you, Mokuba…."
You'll always be inside of my heart
Inside of me
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1. Namura is Seto's true family name, (or at least in this fic it is), before he got adopted by Mokuba. He hates Gazuboru, so I don't really think it would make sense for Mokuba to be called a kaiba as his last name. Ah well, that's just me!-
A/N:
Okies, that wraps up this story. Can you actually believe, I spend two days writing it. I don't really know if I like it or not. Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! It would be mucho appreciated!
ChaosMagicianGirl, signing out