James Bond: The Minion
Sometimes it pays to be nice to the guys in the red shirts.
XoXoXoX
Somewhere deep inside the secret lair of the Big Bad
As far as jobs went, 007 reckoned he had it pretty good. A company car that could kill a tank, a watch that was a laser and a detonator and so many other things he'd forgotten about half of them, he travelled the world and he was fairly certain he'd seen everything and enjoyed all of it.
Well, most of it at least. Large Scandinavian women were right out.
So he really couldn't get why this red-shirted minion was being so helpful...
"Back up a moment here," Bond said, "Why are you even doing this?"
The Minion looked at the secret agent with a look of disbelief before replying, "The pay is terrible, the conditions are atrocious and the only reason I made Trusted Lieutenant is because I know when the boss man's angry enough to shoot someone and I don't want to be shot."
"That still doesn't explain it!" Bond said as he waved his gun, "Usually you guys just line up and I only have to shoot you!"
His voice jumped up an octave, "You're making this complicated!" The double-oh said, "Stop making this complicated!"
His unwanted helper sighed in response, "That death trap you escaped?" Said the minion in a tone that was reserved for discussing the weather, "Not only did I have to set it up, nearly losing limb and many things not suitable for mention in front of minors, but the Boss then thought it would be funny to turn the bloody thing on!"
Minion waved a hand in the air in exasperation, "I barely got out alive! He made me reset it and timed me for a second run!" He said in hysterics, "Then there's the time he started shooting at me because some group of idiots not even under my command didn't succeed in hitting you despite going through about two thousand rounds of ammo, the time he slept with my girlfriend, which was bad enough until you consider that I was sleeping with her at the time – I'm now single, thanks for asking – and then ordered me to sleep with him!"
"We all have to deal with hard times..." Bond said, looking forlornly at his handgun.
He so dearly wanted to get back to shooting. It was so much simpler.
"Then there's the health plan, which is a health plan in name only, the long hours of boredom sometimes broken up by being shot at by you secret agents, which many of us prefer because you actually shoot to kill but mostly disrupted by the higher ups shooting at us for sport, the higher ups making us do their work, the higher ups..."
"Okay, okay I get it!" Bond said in weary voice, "So why help me now?"
"Because I'm not paid enough to deal with MI-6, or because the boss is an ass, or maybe, just maybe, because he sent me four gigs of videos of him getting carnal with my ex-girlfriend just this morning," Minion deadpanned, "Take your pick; I've got a lot more."
"I feel guilty for some reason. Should I be feeling guilty?" Bond asked, scratching his head with his gun.
"Seeing as you also bagged my ex-girlfriend, yes." Was the deadpan reply, "How do you sleep at night?"
"Like a rock with a hot woman keeping me warm, why do you ask?"
Minion looked at Bond, then at the data pad, then at bond again before saying, "Do you want the passwords or not?"
"Would it help if I apologised?"
"Not really, the bitch was a shrew. Absolute wildcat in bed though."
"On that we are agreed." bond said with a finger raised.
"Anyway, all the passwords have been reset to Swordfish, capital S, because for some reason the boss never bothered to activate the fingerprint scanners he made me install on my weekend off, security room's three corridors down, tell the guy I sent you, armoury isn't kept locked because the gunny couldn't care less anymore for many of the same reasons." Minion said, taking a letter from his pocket, "And if you could deliver this to the boss-man before, during or after you get your murder on, I'd appreciate it."
And with that Minion did depart.
XoXoXoX
Bond really shouldn't have been surprised that the Minion slashed the tyres of every expensive car but his Aston Martin.
Or that the Minion had also siphoned the fuel of the Boss' car.
Or that the Minion had pointed out the double-oh was after their boss. The round of polite applause from the mooks, the garage door opening for him as his Aston was driven (with a new wheel to boot!) to him, trunk open to reveal the Boss being delivered, hog-tied by his fingers, his actual fingers, scared the Secret Agent out of his wits.
Really, his hasty exit was only partly because his target would rattle around in the trunk.
Maybe five percent of the reason, seven if he pushed it.
Guy must have been one hell of a dick to warrant that...
XoXoXoX
"So that's your report?" Q asked in disbelief.
"In a nutshell, yes." Bond replied with a grin.
"Did you have to mention the six ladies you slept with?" Q asked.
"Only six," Bond said in surprise, "I must be slipping..."
"Well the thing is there's this young man who says he knows you – something about a Swordfish?"
"How'd the Minion end up in MI6?" Bond asked incredulously.
"He snuck in, actually. His CV lists previous experience with improbably complex security systems." Q Replied with a wry grin.
"Death traps?" Bond asked in deadpan.
"Death traps." Q replied in equal deadpan.
"That hardly explains how he got hired, Q." Bond said with a stroke of the chin.
"He did patch a few holes in the security, and he's actually proven rather competent now he doesn't have higher ups that randomly shoot at him." Q said as Minion delivered him a cup of proper English, "Makes one hell of a brew to boot."
XoXoXoX
Moneypenny was rather surprised at this new Minion. Besides not minding being referred to as Minion number Q, or the high workload, or the sometimes irrelevant demands, she found him to be charming in his own way. And he had a cute bum. She was a woman and could ogle these fine posteriors, dang it!
"You know, if you want to ogle, you could just ask." Minion said, catching the sly woman by surprise, "Or we could go into the nearest cupboard and have some Wild Monkey Sex before Bond gets here."
Minion found himself pounced upon and dragged, with a declaration of intent and a yell of "Finally!" by Moneypenny as she did indeed drag him into the nearest cupboard for aforementioned Wild Monkey Sex.
XoXoXoX
"Minion," Bond said as he noted that Minion was at Moneypenny's desk, doing Moneypenny's work and for some reason imitating Moneypenny's flirtation, "Where's Moneypenny?"
"Well," Said Minion with a satisfied smirk, "It seems she got tired of waiting on you so she's sleeping off some rather carnal activities."
"You slept with her?" Bond asked in shock.
"I slept with her." Minion replied as his smirk grew wider, "And enjoyed cleaning that up."
"You slept with her?"
The secret agent looked close to tears.
"That's one way of putting it, yes." Minion said, "And I find my survival instincts tingling."
"You," Bond said, "Slept with the woman I have been trying to bed since I saw her."
"Indeed I did." Minion said, "Please don't go for the gun. The therapist said a relapse now would be such a problem."
"You slept with the woman I have been after for years." Bond said as he reached for his gun.
"Hello Q!" Minion chirped with a wave, "Is there something you need me to do away?"
"Bag Moneypenny did you?" Q asked, "Was she as good as I said she..."
Minion shook his head, eyes wide as he pointed to Bond.
"Oh. Oh my. All this time and you still haven't bagged Moneypenny?"
"You too?" Bond said, a single tear streaming down his face, "I thought we had something! We would flirt, M would distract! It was supposed to be my best lay ever!"
"Oh do grow up, Bond." Q said, "I got over her. Minion will get on top of her a few more times before he gets over her."
"And now I have the images!" Bond yelled as he collapsed onto the floor, "Oh god why?!"
"M got over her." Q said, "How are you, by the way?"
"Better than I've felt in years." M said as she glanced down to Bond, "How do you think she got the name Moneypenny, Bond?"
"She does accounts!" He cried, "It seemed so logical!"
M patted bond on the shoulder, "There there. I'm sure if you just ask nicely, Moneypenny wouldn't mind."
"But the Minion slept with her. He's a Minion!"
"Right here," Said Minion, "We have feelings you know. And names, but that's not important."
"You slept with her!"
The double-oh curled into a foetal position as Minion edged out of the room with, "I think one of the reactors needs scrubbing. I shall be done when Bond has left the building."
"Good idea." Q said, "Although M and I wouldn't mind a nice cup of English."
"Coming right up," Minion replied, "And the cameras caught all of it, by the way."
"The breakdown or the... ah..." M began.
"Yes." Was Minion's reply, "Yes."
The Minion/end
[A/N: I dunno where the Moneypenny thing came from, but Bond's bagged hundreds of women and has never bagged the one woman who quite clearly wants him.
I am one hell of a twisted individual.
I appreciate your reviews.
/AN]