Summary: Elena tries to process the news that she and Damon may be sire-bonded. Elena-centric, slightly meta, post 4x07 one-shot.
A/N: Hey y'all. Meant to get this up before last night's episode, but since I'm a slacker when it comes to writing, I didn't finish it until today. So yeah, this disregards what happened in 4x08, but I think it's still relevant. I was trying to make sense of the sire bond, and thus this fic was born. Also, just my personal opinion, but I kind of think the sire bond is a weak plot twist and the writers are backing themselves into a corner. The sire bond is supposedly literal, but Elena has been able to disobey Damon and she doesn't do everything he says. It can only be broken by Damon completely cutting himself out of Elena's life? Why can't he just be all "Elena, I want you to think for yourself and make your own decisions based on what you want, not what I want"? See, problem solved. But I digress. On with the story. Enjoy!
Elena sat on the edge of Damon's bed, stunned, her fingers toying idly with the hem of Damon's black dress shirt that she wore. Her mind struggled to make sense of the conversation she had overheard between Stefan and Damon (which, of course she was going to overhear. She was a vampire now, as much as Stefan wished she wasn't – her hearing was kind of better than it used to be.) Her mind replayed the conversation again, Stefan's harsh accusations towards his brother ringing in her ears.
"She's sired to you, Damon … you knew, and you took full advantage. All the signs point to it - only being able to drink blood straight from the vein, killing Connor, agreeing with you at every turn. She's changed since becoming a vampire, and it's all because of you. It's your fault. You knew she would never want you otherwise, and you saw your opportunity and you took it!"
She cringed as she remembered Damon's next words, her insides twisting guiltily. "Is it so impossible that she could feel something for me?"
"It's impossible that she'd choose to be with you while knowing all the reasons you don't deserve her!" Stefan shot back.
Damon's silence had been louder than any angry retort he could have given his brother. Moments later, the door had slammed shut and she had heard the sounds of glasses clinking against each other as Damon poured himself a drink. He'd made no move to come upstairs. Elena figured that he knew she had heard and was giving her time to process, for which she was grateful. She needed to gather her thoughts before she talked with Damon so she didn't say something stupid and ruin whatever it was that had transpired between them the night before.
Elena felt her stomach roll again at the thought that her feelings for Damon weren't real, that they were the product of some bond that existed between them only because it was his blood that had turned her. She hated the idea that she had slept with Damon out of anything other than a deep need to be with him. Despite what Stefan might think, Elena knew Damon had no idea a sire bond existed between them. She knew he wouldn't have used it to take advantage of her and seduce her. He'd always been so adamant that things between them be real; there was just no way he would have been with her under false pretences of any sort. Besides, he certainly hadn't taken advantage of her last night – she'd been a more than willing participant in everything they had done.
Were you? A voice that sounded suspiciously like Stefan's whispered in the back of her mind. Or do you only think you were because the sire bond makes you feel loyal to Damon? How do you know your choices and actions are your own, Elena? How do you know it's real?
Elena threw herself back against the bed in frustration. Her jumbled and swirled thoughts were making her angry, and the emotion threatened to well up and overwhelm her. She took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to think everything through logically. Sire bonds were rare, but they did happen. When Tyler had been sired to Klaus, he had described it as an inescapable feeling of loyalty and gratitude. Klaus had freed him from the pain of having to transition into a wolf every full moon, and so Tyler felt compelled to do Klaus's bidding. Elena considered this. She supposed she felt loyalty to Damon because he was one of her closest friends, and she trusted him completely, even more than she trusted Stefan, and she was certainly grateful for how he'd been there for her both before and after she became a vampire. But she wasn't grateful to Damon for inadvertently turning her – she'd been ready to die that night on the bridge. Damon's blood hadn't saved her from pain – it had made her something she had never wanted to be.
As far as feeling obligated to do what Damon told her to do – she scrunched her eyes shut as she thought of her life after waking up as a vampire, the charges Stefan had hurled at his brother cycling through her mind. Stefan thought the reason she couldn't keep animal or bagged blood down was because Damon told her she could only drink from the vein. She remembered Damon saying something to that effect – that she was a vampire and was therefore meant to feed from humans, that she would be miserable if she tried to adhere to Stefan's animal diet. He'd been right – the animal blood had tasted disgusting, but he'd never expressly told her she couldn't drink it, that she could only drink straight from the human vein. In fact… Elena's eyes flew open as something occurred to her. When she'd called Damon to help her the day of the funerals for the Council members, when she'd been throwing up blood in the bathroom, Damon had brought her a blood bag and tried to get her to drink it, but she hadn't been able to keep it down. Surely, if she was sired to him, she would have been able to. Her being able to drink only human blood from the vein was just as likely some freaky doppelganger loophole as it was a symptom of her being sired.
Elena sat up, emboldened. If she found one flaw in Stefan's theory, then there had to be others. Stefan thought that she killed Connor because Damon told her to. True, Damon had told her to kill the hunter if she got close enough in order to protect Jeremy, but had he unintentionally ordered her to do it? She thought back to those horrifying moments before she snapped Connor's neck. She tried to remember how she had felt in that moment. The hunter had stared up at her through feral eyes as he'd once again threatened her and Jeremy. Then he had shoved a stake into her stomach. All Elena could remember was fear for her brother's safety and pain and anger as the stake pierced her skin. Damon's words had been in the back of Elena's mind, but in the instant she grabbed Connor's neck and twisted, all she had been thinking of was protecting Jeremy and herself. She thought it had been her choice, but maybe she had been wrong.
A shudder ran through her at the thought that she had killed someone – murdered him – because she had been told to. She felt guilt and self-disgust for having taken a life, and even the idea that she'd had no choice in the matter didn't soothe her because, whether she'd killed him out of the sire bond or not, she had wanted Connor dead. Maybe Stefan was right. Maybe she had changed. Stefan thought she had changed because of Damon, because he forced her to, because he influenced her decisions. On that count, Elena thought he was wrong. She and Damon still argued all the time, and she'd disagreed with him numerous times since she'd turned.
Damon had wanted her to drink from the vein – she'd refused, even if her attempts hadn't been successful. Damon had tried to kill Matt – she'd stopped him. Damon had told her to compel and drink from that college student when they had gone on their research mission with Bonnie – she'd chosen not to after seeing the woman had a child. Damon had wanted her to have fun and drink from people at the Halloween party – she had, but she'd also been able to recognize that she didn't like how she was acting and stop. And when Damon told her that it was too dangerous to go after Connor, she had defied him and held a stake gun to his heart. Surely if she was sired to Damon, she wouldn't have been able to threaten him that way? And when Stefan had vervained Damon and taken his ring, why hadn't she attacked him? Hadn't Tyler been protective of Klaus?
Groaning in frustration, Elena scrubbed her hand across her face. They obviously needed to learn more about how sire bonds worked between vampires before determining if she was in fact sired to Damon, so why was Stefan acting like he was so certain she was? Did he really dislike her choices so much that this was the only explanation he could accept? Had she really changed that much? Yeah, she felt everything more intensely, and she was stronger and more capable than she'd been as a human, but she still did everything she could to protect those she cared about. She still tried to be good, even though it would be so much easier to give in to her darker desires. Stefan was so adamant that she was a different person, a lesser person, than she'd been as a human, but she was still herself, just… more. And Stefan really hadn't had a problem with her choices until…
Elena's thoughts came to a halt as the pieces came together and she realized just when Stefan's problem with her choices had arisen. It was only when the cracks in their relationship began to show, when Elena found herself struggling to trust him, when she found herself gravitating more and more towards Damon, that Stefan seemed to think something was wrong with her. He obviously thought that her distance from him and her growing closeness with Damon was due to the sire bond and not because of how Stefan had been treating her since her transition – coddling her, telling her she wasn't strong enough to handle what being a vampire really meant, lying to her about his dealings with Klaus and about wanting to sacrifice Jeremy's humanity so she could have hers again. He thought there was no way she wouldn't forgive him, wouldn't choose him, no way she'd choose Damon of her own free will. In his mind, something had to be messing with her ability to think rationally, and he'd clearly believed that something was the sire bond. From what she'd heard of the confrontation between the brothers, he had Damon believing it too.
Tears pooled in her eyes at the thought of Damon not believing her feelings for him were real, but underneath that, anger simmered. How could he doubt that what existed between them was real? They didn't even know if a sire bond existed, much less if it manufactured romantic feelings between the two vampires, and it wouldn't matter either way. If she was being honest with herself, for the first time in far too long, Elena could admit that her feelings for Damon far predated her becoming a vampire. On some level, they'd existed ever since she met him, compelled or not. She'd been entranced by the mysterious stranger in the middle of the road who'd known her so well, who'd wanted her to get everything she ever dreamed. She'd been just as entranced by the handsome man in the Salvatore parlor, the one who'd quirked his head at her before introducing himself, the one who'd pressed a kiss to her knuckles and declared it had been a pleasure to meet her. Their relationship had been filled with ups and downs, sure, but the fact remained that the feelings and attraction had always been there.
She thought of how he'd been the only one to see how miserable she was cheerleading, how he'd encouraged her to do what made her happy. She remembered how vulnerable he'd looked when she told him she was sorry about Katherine, his face telling her that no one had ever expressed sadness over his feelings before.
She thought of how he'd rescued her from a vampire one cool fall night, how he'd cradled her gently in his arms to check for injuries before whisking her off to Georgia. She thought of how he'd smiled at her as she'd drank and cut loose, how he gave her the freedom to remember the carefree girl she'd been before her parents had died and before her world was turned upside down by the supernatural. She remembered how scared she had been when she'd seen Lee threatening to set Damon on fire, how she knew she couldn't handle it if something happened to him, even back then.
She thought of how she'd gone to see him after she and Stefan lied to him about the Grimoire, how she'd offered to let him compel her to prove she was telling the truth and how he'd silently shaken his head before re-clasping her necklace. He'd always wanted what was between them to be honest and real, not altered by outside forces.
She thought of how he'd stepped up and served as her escort at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, how he had looked at her with such steady eyes, how her entire body had tingled with awareness as they danced. He'd been so good with her, helping her get Stefan back under control, soothing her frayed nerves with his usual mix of sarcasm and sincerity. That had been when she consciously began to notice that he was getting under her skin and that she was powerless to stop it.
She thought of how Damon had fought tirelessly to protect her from the Originals who wanted her blood, how he'd risked his life to save her even when she hadn't wanted him to. She remembered the look in his eyes as he told her he loved her for the first time, the way he had gently kissed her forehead and stroked her cheek before he'd erased her memory. He'd tried so hard to do the right thing and be the better man, all for her.
She thought of how vulnerable and honest he'd been with her as he lay on what they thought was his deathbed, the way he'd apologized for all the ways he'd hurt her, the way he'd calmly resigned himself to his fate. In that moment, it hadn't mattered that he'd forced his blood on her because he hadn't wanted to lose her – what mattered was that he'd known it was wrong and tired to fix it, risking his life for her friends and doing everything he could to stall the sacrifice, even if it meant he died. She remembered how her heart had broken at the idea of facing a world without Damon in it, how she'd laid her head on his chest and clasped his hand with her own as salty tears streamed down her face. And she remembered the feel of his lips against her own, the gentle softness of their kiss as she tried to tell him without words that she understood, that she cared. She'd felt something even then.
She thought of how he'd been there for her as they spent an entire summer trying to rescue Stefan, how tirelessly he'd worked to bring Stefan back to them and what he'd risked to do it. He had been so patient with her, had done everything he could for her, had tried to shelter her from what his brother had become and done. He had respected the love she had for his brother, even when it hurt him to do so. He had respected and loved his brother, even when it hurt him to do so.
She thought of how he had kissed her, how he was so sure that their time would come, how understanding he'd been when she'd been confused and withdrawn, not wanting to betray Stefan. He'd loved her, even when she hurt and betrayed him, even when she messed with his heart due to her indecision and fear. She remembered the intense kisses they had shared outside a motel room in Denver, how Damon's touch had set her ablaze and threatened to consume her, how she had so desperately wanted to give in to the fire and passion that burned between them. After spending months staring at his lips, it had been heaven to finally feel them against her own, against the skin of her neck and chest. If Jeremy hadn't interrupted them, she probably would have let him take her right up against the pillar, consequences be damned. She had been so tired of fighting her feelings for Damon; she had just wanted to let herself feel them for once.
She thought of how steadfast and supportive he had been since her transition. She knew he would have saved her that night at the bridge, that he had wanted more than anything for her to have stayed alive - stayed human - because he knew how important it was to her. But he'd been the first one to accept that she was a vampire, the first one that had wanted her to be a vampire, not just masquerade as the human she no longer was. He was the only one to accept her as a vampire, to accept that she had changed, to not judge or criticize her for who she was. He had tried to ease her doubts about Stefan, had gone out of his way to tell her that Stefan was lying to her and working with Klaus to help her. He'd tried to salvage her and Stefan's relationship, even if it meant he had to watch the girl he loved be with his brother. He was the only one to accept and love her whether she was a vampire or not. He would always love her and support her because that's how he loved; unconditionally, expecting nothing in return.
After everything they'd been through, everything they'd overcome and survived, how could she not have feelings for him? Even more importantly, how could he doubt that she felt something for him that went beyond just friendship, something that had existed long before she stopped being human? Elena wiped away the tears that had leaked from her eyes. She may have fought with everything she had to deny and repress them, but it was so obvious they existed, and she was done fighting it. All it had done was cause pain and confusion and uncertainty, and she wanted it to stop.
Movement in the doorway drew Elena's attention and she looked up to find Damon leaning against the frame, staring at her with unfathomable emotion in his crystal blue eyes. Beneath the love, she could see a deep sadness and resignation. He'd believed Stefan, she realized, and thought that her feelings were the result of the sire bond. He was trying to erect walls, to block the pain, trying to shut her out before he got even more hurt. Elena squared her shoulders and tilted her chin defiantly. There was no way she was going to let him push her away.
Sired bond be damned. She had feelings for Damon Salvatore, she'd had them long before she became a vampire, and she wasn't giving up until he believed her. Everyone else could say and think what they like, but she knew the truth, knew it without doubt or reservation.
It was real.
Fin.